Chapter 34 #3
I’d laugh if my chest wasn’t so tight. Yanami didn’t spare a second to ask if she could proclaim me dead, but now she’s asking me for something I have no right to give. Yanami must hear something in my silence because her right hand curls into a fist, and she continues.
“Your full name will be etched in gold at the base of your statue. We can change your features for Mare’s safety or–”
“Don’t include my name. Keep my face covered or change it entirely. It doesn’t matter to me.” I cut in. Yanami’s voice echoes in my head. I don’t know if I can ever love you again. I know the girl I fell in love with. I know the girl is kind, moral, and clever.
Who does Yanami know me as?
Someone who only cares about her name etched in gold. Someone who is okay with being memorialized next to her dead best friend, side by side, golden forever.
We are both dead at this point.
Yanami is the only one who made it out of this, barely alive with a chasm in her chest, but she’s here, standing and breathing. The image of the girl standing in front of Yanami, protective stance and outstretched arm, flashes in my mind. She was protecting a miracle.
I search Yanami’s face and see confusion mixed with…
I shake my head and force myself to answer the real question. “Yes, to the statue of Suyai. If anyone deserves it, it’s her,” my voice drops to a whisper by the end. I stare at my hands on my lap.
“She died fighting, a warrior to her last breath.”
The lie shocks me out of my paralysis. I can’t help but scowl. I can accept her lies with the distance of projections, but not face-to-face. “Don’t–”
“She died valiantly. She’s the strongest fighter I’ve ever seen.”
“I know!” It’s not me who screams. It’s Mare, standing at the door, his little hands squeezing a bag until his knuckles pale from the force. “Susu is the strongest hero in history.” His voice dwindles until he’s muttering. “She is. Susu is.”
It hits me all at once. Yanami is changing reality into something we can all live with.
That’s why Mare can call her Nami and hug me so tight.
In this reality, Yanami and I had nothing to do with Suyai’s death because Suyai fought like the heroes Mare has always looked up to. She fought like a soldier.
I stare at Yanami’s panicked eyes and give a subtle nod. The tension drains from her immediately.
Until Mare talks again.
“Rei, you’ll train me right? That’s why we’re leaving, so you can train me and we can get the Aya Runa together and finish what Suyai started.”
This time, it’s me looking at Yanami with panicked eyes.
Something about the tender way Mare said that, like a prayer, scares me.
His voice was soft, but his eyes… his eyes are filled with conviction and unfiltered rage.
Is that what I always looked like? Determined but guided by a single flawed belief?
“Mare, you know that’s not what I told you. She’s here to keep you safe and–”
“We’ll train together, Mare,” I say, unable to handle the growing puddle under Mare’s eyes. I regret it, of course, I regret it. But what else could I do when Mare’s face scrunches up, and all I see is pain. Is rage better than this? I don’t know. I don’t have Suyai to tell me.
Then Mare looks at me and smiles.
I’m smiling back before I can correct my words. I hear a deep sigh at my side and turn to see Yanami shaking her head. Her hands are back to fists, and I truly wonder if she would punch me if she had a chance. For a moment, I want to give her that chance, to get even on the pain I’ve doled out.
Then she is so far away, stepping further and further out of reach. Once mine, the beautiful Yanami, never to be mine again.
I swallow back my tears as Mare jumps into my arms once again. I suggest we rest more before we head out, but he declines.
Yanami kisses his forehead goodbye, holding onto him with visible love.
She leads us to the gates, surprising every guard and putting them on edge.
The protective girl is nowhere to be found, and that makes me irrationally angry.
Yanami needs someone here who has her back. She needs what I can’t give her.
She waves more guards off. She’s much less formal on palace grounds than she seems to the public.
I destroy the part of me that wishes I knew this Yanami, the Inka Yanami.
The Yanami who holds onto Mare like he’s something precious but is incapable of touching me.
The doors close behind us, and there’s no one outside to see the sunset reflect off the silver staff on my back.
Curfew is back on. Yanami gave me a royal guard’s headdress to exclude me from it.
I’ll have to put it on only a few blocks west.
I hold tight to Mare’s hand, walking us away from the palace, away from Lima.
We’re going to the sand dunes. There’s an oasis there. Isolated but still bustling. Different from anywhere we’ve lived before. Untouched by her memory.
No coastal waters, no mountain weather, and no cliffs for Mare to climb and fall off of.
“You ready, kori?” I ask, softly, terrified, not ready to hear his answer.
“Excited, R,” he says, smile small but unwavering.