Thayla
The whispers of the meadow grass blowing in the breeze block out the loud, unwanted thoughts blaring through my mind.
No matter how much I breathe or tangle the blades around my fingers and center myself, the emotional release that Seismet taught me with my Chaos will not work.
Something is blocking these fucking feelings from bursting out of me.
I swear to the gods my skin is about to rip apart.
My head whips to the side at the sound of a limb cracking, and my eyes widen. I had no doubt in my mind that one of, if not all of, my men were going to follow me.
That is not one of my men.
“Iric,” I say as he approaches and takes a seat in the grass beside me.
“Thayla. It’s a beautiful day today.”
I snort and stare at him like he’s lost his mind. He smirks as his eyes roam over the hot spring, but he doesn’t say anything else. My body squirms as I wait for his power to brush against my skin, and the longer we sit here in silence without it doing so, the more fidgety I grow.
“I didn’t steal the Goddess of Creation’s Binding because I knew you needed it. I did it because it felt like just a little piece of revenge I could get in that moment.”
Surprise takes shape over my face. That was legitimately the last thing I expected him to say.
“Well, you did a little of both, I suppose. I did need it, and you took something important from her.”
He grunts. “Not important enough. She’ll care more that her precious Attendants are gone than that thing. There’s no telling how long it’ll take her to realize it’s gone. Which yes, is a good thing for us overall, but I’m not satisfied with that.”
A quiet chuckle escapes me despite how serious his tone is.
“I never would’ve pegged you for someone who cares for revenge, Iric.”
“I probably never would’ve been someone who cared for it if not for her. She is my living nightmare. The emotion that festers rather than fades.”
That comment hits me square in the heart and my chest pinches.
“Do…you want to talk about it?”
He lets out a low laugh and arches his brow at me.
“Do you want to hear about it?”
“Yeah. I have no problem at all admitting I’m nosy as shit.”
He shakes his head, and like me, tangles the meadow grass around his fingers. I don’t push or pry as his eyes grow distant.
“I don’t know if you know this or if your Valtrue even knows this about her, but she’s obsessed with creating connections between people.”
My brows scrunch together. “Like romantic connections?”
He hums. “She’d forged a connection between the Attendants and would watch their behavior. Because of that connection, you’d basically skip over the whole getting to know each other, friends, dating, all that and jump straight into being in love.”
“Oh…oh gods, that’s fucked up. Did she—” I stop myself, instantly realizing that’s far too personal to just ask flat out.
“She tried with me, yes. My power wouldn’t allow the connection to solidify.
So she decided I would be the one who broke it down for her and tell her exactly what was wrong with the connections.
She could see they weren’t perfect. No matter how much I’d try to resist, my power would snatch the emotions out of the Attendants.
What it came down to was she was forcing together people who essentially had nothing in common and figuring it should just work because she said so. ”
I scoff. “Crazy bitch is obsessed with perfection.”
“That she is,” he agrees, nodding. “The more I tried to tell her it was never going to work because these people weren’t compatible, the more irate she’d grow. The more Attendants she’d force a connection with. Then, when she was dissatisfied with the connection, she’d rip it away.”
“But…that was a good thing, right? Then they weren’t forced to be connected anymore.”
His lips tighten into a fierce frown.
“Just because the connection was faked, doesn’t mean the emotions they experienced were.
Imagine one moment you feel a depth of love for someone that you can’t begin to explain.
You notice their smell, what their body language means, what they love, what they hate, how their laugh sounds, then the next, nothing.
You look at this person and feel the ghost of what had embedded itself in your heart, but now it’s just…
gone. Even those who were not compatible experienced this loss.
They felt what it would be like to be loved beyond measure, then it was taken away from them. ”
Oh gods. My heart.
The thought of losing my men like that tears across my chest and steals the air from my lungs.
That literally would be like if somehow, someway, my slivers of soul snapped out of them and back into me.
I’d feel like a shell…
“Shit. That’s why they all seemed so deprived of life. The love they had was literally sucked out of them.”
He nods.
“I did everything I could to help them behind her back. When she found out, she sent me to Hellveilious. Said since I cared so much about helping people work through their problems, I could help her son with his issues.”
My fists clench into balls.
“He doesn’t have issues.”
“No, he doesn’t, but she doesn’t and won’t ever see it that way. I can’t promise you or them this is true, but I believe her obsession with forming these connections stemmed from them. I think she tried to forge a connection with them that would never take because his power kept killing it off.”
My mouth gapes open and a surprised puff of breath rips out of me.
“Holy shit, that would make a lot of sense.”
“I think that’s why she trapped them in her house and suppressed their power. Once they announced they were getting out of the agreement, she knew her time to figure this out was over.”
I’m at a loss for words and my head shakes in disbelief. Granted, I believe every one of his assumptions. It makes complete sense.
“Sometimes I really hate my power,” he whispers, and I slowly turn my face to his. “Although I know in my heart I’ve done good for people, the many times I failed others eat me alive.”
“I can’t imagine the weight you carry knowing the things you know about people.”
He shakes his head.
“I don’t carry the trauma of others. My power doesn’t allow that.
I absorb what comes off of people, then it’s gone.
There’s no judgment on my part, no holding on to it, or fixating on it later.
The weight I carry is my own. My power doesn’t affect my own emotions.
It can make them rawer, blunter, but that’s the extent of its help.
It really isn’t help. It makes it very hard to express myself in the way I actually mean to. ”
“So who do you talk to about your feelings?” I ask.
He laughs. Not in a funny way.
“No one.”
“Not even Yemi?”
“Especially not Yemi. I’m trying to get her to fall in love with me, not scare her away.”
Aww. That’s so freaking sweet.
“Why would you think you’re going to scare her away? She’s waiting for you to open up a little bit.”
“What sucks is I know that. Very well.” He sighs.
“I’m no different than you or anyone else, though, Thayla.
Sometimes, depending on the topic, it’s easier to talk to an outside source.
It eliminates the barrier embarrassment brings, like when you’re confiding in someone you want to impress or not disappoint.
“With Yemi, and I imagine with you and your Valtrue, there’s always going to be that layer. We care what they think. We care how they see us. Even when they tell us it won’t change anything, part of us is still going to measure our words. Hold pieces back. Soften the edges. So will they in return.”
I grunt my agreement and stare down at the ground. I can’t even attempt to lie to myself and say I don’t do that. Embarrassment and shame have always plagued me anytime I open up, and those feelings definitely keep me from being completely raw in some conversations.
“Well,” I say, clearing my throat. “I’m here if you want to talk. I’d never tell you anything Yemi told me, but I would listen and give you a little nudge in the right direction.”
He chuckles and shoots me a small smile.
“I appreciate that. Same goes for you.”
My stomach fills with nerves at the genuine look on his face. Sweat clings to my palms and the back of my neck as I work the courage up to get my mouth to work.
“Do…do you have some time now?”
His smile softens.
“I got all the time in the realm.”
I can’t get myself to return the gesture. The swelling in my throat and the involuntary tremor in my hands are holding me hostage.
“I don’t even know where to start,” I mutter.
“Well, let me start off by saying you’ve already conquered the hardest part.”
“What? Me asking to finally talk to you?”
“No. You’ve already brought some of the hardest things you’ve faced in life to the surface and have started healing those wounds on your own.
You’ve accepted and admitted you have an abandonment issue from your parents, followed by Meridamus.
You’ve broken down those trauma bonds you had from Mellcom’s and Jeremiah’s emotional and physical abuse.
You’ve always been quick to anger and you’re curbing that instinct.
“What happened this past week is bringing the deeply buried emotions that those things have tethers to, to the forefront and it’s overwhelming. Not because you don’t want to talk about it or face it, but because you’re worried about how admitting them is going to make you look and feel.”
“How in the realm could your power possibly tell you all of that? Or does everyone just tell you my shit behind my back?”
I tear my gaze from his and fight off the bite in my tone.
“My power presents itself to me in shades of colors across a being’s body.
They’re all distinct. They mean different things and will be placed in different places around a person.
Abandonment,” he says, slowly tracing his fingers in the air around my head, “presents itself in a shade of gray. Typically, the darker it is, the deeper the tether is to the beings who caused it. Usually parents.”