Thayla #2
My fingers run through the loose strands around my face as if I can wipe the fucking gray from it. Of course, that shit doesn’t work and my stomach cramps.
“Between my power, what I’ve learned, and yes, overheard, I can piece it together. I swear to you, though, no one, not Yemi or your Valtrue, is running around telling your business. Sometimes things are just spoken about in passing and I can put it together on my own.”
That adds up, unfortunately. Those two days I was basically with his Valtrue nonstop, there’s no telling the shit that came out of my mouth that I didn’t pay attention to.
I take a deep breath, centering the defensive desire to lash out. It’s my go-to coping mechanism, but that’s obviously not going to work on him.
I don’t really want to do that if I’m honest.
I’m just scared about how this is going to feel.
“So exactly how does this work? Your powers will pull the emotion from me and I’ll just talk about it?”
“My power will wrap around the emotion and guide it forward. You can talk about it or I can ask questions. The more honest you are from the start, the less abrasive the emotions that rise will be. If you can find it in yourself to just be open, you’ll be surprised how easy it goes. No sobbing or power erupting out.”
A small snort escapes me despite myself.
“I think I’d just like to blab it out, and you cut in where need be, if that’s okay.”
“That’s perfect.”
My fingers release the meadow grass as I pivot my body until I’m facing him fully, and he mimics me. I stare into his eyes, warring with myself once more, before finally solidifying my decision.
I need this.
I can admit to myself that I do.
At my nod, his power presses against my skin, and I command mine to let him in.
It’s gentle, not invasive like I thought it’d be. It’s almost tender enough to cause my eyes to well with tears.
“I appreciate you acknowledging and saying that overcoming what I have so far was the hard part, but I just disagree. This feels like the hardest part. Talking through what’s sitting on my chest feels like I’m stripping away the last piece of…”
I let out a shaky breath as my gaze drops to the space between us.
“Your armor,” he murmurs.
“Yeah. My armor.” My deep breath fills my lungs, and I force myself to glance back at him.
“I’m strong because I’ve had to be. When I got here, my armor—my protection—was firmly in place and since then, it’s been chipped away little by little.
It’s hard to describe, but I feel like I started off really strong, then I had to learn to be vulnerable, which broke something down inside of me.
Now I have to figure out how to build it and a different kind of strength back up. Does that make sense?”
He nods.
“That’s exactly what you’re doing. Not everyone, fortunately, goes through something that shoves them into survival strength.
Some get to go through life and build up their will and strength over time, with ease.
You were not one of those lucky people. While they were learning to be vulnerable, open with their emotions, trusting, and seeing life through prettier lenses, you were surviving.
Now you’ve had to learn everything they did a long time ago. ”
“Now I have to learn how to hold on to that strength,” I mutter.
“Thayla, your strength’s never going to change.
Even right now in this moment, if you work through that last line of defense you have around you, your strength is here to stay.
It’s just a different kind. It’s the kind where your first instinct isn’t to protect yourself, but the people you love.
It’s the kind where you know and trust the people surrounding you enough to allow them to help you without thinking their help comes with ulterior motives.
It’s the kind where the old Thayla, the one who lived in Oddian, is dead, and this Thayla has risen in her place. ”
My throat clogs, and I clear it multiple times.
“That’s what scares me,” I whisper. “Who is this Thayla?”
He gives me a soft, easy smile.
“Well, let’s find out. Work through the things and people who shaped old Thayla.”
I blow out a breath and bring my knees to my chest.
“To start…Mellcom and Jeremiah,” I huff.
“Mellcom was my—I thought he was—my person. Literally my whole life. The more I look back, the more I realize he’s always been this way.
Always telling me how to train, to dress, to carry myself, how to speak and when not to speak.
I always marked it up as him being protective and him looking out for my best interest.”
I scoff quietly as my fingers curl against my thighs.
“He knew me. Not just surface-level shit. He knew how my brain worked, what I needed, how I’d react to things. He knew what I’d been through with my parents, how I felt about being left, and he still chose to betray me. Multiple times.”
The words settle inside my chest heavier than I expected.
“It wasn’t even just the betrayal. It was how easily he did it. Entering me into the Veiling was one thing. But kidnapping—”
I cut my words off abruptly and swallow down the fury that rages to the surface.
“He kidnapped her knowing how easily that’d draw me out.
Then he completely flipped the switch to saying our brother-sister act is getting old and I’m meant to be his.
What the actual fuck? Seriously. What the fuck did the Goddess of Seduction feed him to make him see me like that after everything? ”
A bitter laugh slips out of me, and I throw my hands up.
“It makes you feel like your whole life, everything you went through with him, the bad and good, was all for nothing,” Iric says.
“Yes, exactly. It was a big waste of fucking time. I should’ve…I should’ve left. I should’ve grown the damn courage, packed my shit and left. I didn’t, though, and every single shitty thing he’s ever done has never cost him a thing.”
“No,” Iric agrees easily. “It all cost you.”
I nod once, sharp. “Yeah.”
Silence stretches for a moment as I gather myself.
“And Jeremiah…he’s a whole different kind of fucked up.”
My chest tightens immediately, and I drag in a breath that doesn’t quite fill my lungs.
“I have admitted what he did to me,” I say quietly. “But I haven’t allowed myself to be honest about it, and hearing someone else’s story here lately has made it incredibly hard to ignore my reality.”
My fingers press harder into my skin and I bite my cheek until I taste blood.
“That day I was tied to the post and he had sex with me, I didn’t want it.
At all. I was bloodied, in so much pain I couldn’t think straight, but I allowed it to happen.
I didn’t have much of a choice with chains around my wrists, but I told myself, this is how you survive.
This is how you get them to back off. You have survival sex whenever possible to curb his attitude.
I’d get Mellcom to take it easier on me through him. I—”
I close my eyes while my truth hangs there, waiting for me to admit.
“I still chose him. Over and over again,” I whisper. “I learned him. Learned what would set him off, what would calm him down, how to…exist around him without making things worse.”
My throat burns.
“I made it normal,” I say. “I made his actions normal. I made him normal. He’s the one who grew tired of sneaking into my room or me in his.
It was like one day, he saw how pathetic my attempt to manipulate him was and just decided he’d teach me what real pain and manipulation looked like. And now he’s just gone.”
My voice hollows and silence settles around us once again for a fleeting second.
“I should be relieved—I am relieved—but it doesn’t feel…”
“Finished,” Iric supplies, and I breathe.
“Yes. It doesn’t feel finished.” A tear slips down my cheek, and I swipe at it impatiently.
“It feels like he got off so easily. I mean, he had to die. He cut a little girl’s throat.
He was going to die no matter what after that, and I had decided to be the one to do it.
I’m thankful my men did it for me now, but it still feels like he got the easy way out while I have to fight through and figure this shit out. ”
“You have to heal the damage he caused, and that’s not fair.”
“It isn’t.” My jaw tightens and I pick at my cuticles.
“Up until lately, I’ve been cautious with men who love and literally fucking worship me, because I couldn’t get that fucker completely out of my head.
I let him have too much space in my insecurities.
I look at myself now and keep thinking about how long I stayed with him.
With Mellcom. How much I adjusted. How far I bent just to make it work.
I’d never put up with that now, but it still fucking taunts me. ”
My voice softens, almost lost.
“It’s so easy to make excuses for why I stayed.
Because it was easier than leaving. Because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
Because I didn’t have anything of my own and couldn’t make it alone.
But the truth…” My voice tightens and my breath shudders.
“The imitation room pulled the truth from me. I believed I deserved everything that was happening to me because that’s all I was worth.
That’s what I allowed myself to be worthy of. ”
“You’re ashamed of yourself,” Iric says. Not harsh or heavily, just…finishing the truth I wouldn’t say out loud
“Yes. I felt it a little back then, but not nearly what I feel now. Now, I know so many truths that if I had known them back then, I would’ve done so many things differently.”
“And that’s where your mindset change about your parents has come from. It’s why you’re looking at Laney the way you are.”
I squeeze my eyes shut as his power coats me in warmth and steadiness.
“She’s now in a position you were in. Vulnerable, dependent, looking to the people around her to decide what happens next. You’re trying to include her in every decision and overcompensate for what she’s lost.”
“And now I’m letting her go,” I mumble.
“You’re making sure she’s safe,” he corrects.