Chapter 28 #2
“I may have sent him a note, but he came on his own. See how much in love he is with you?”
I huffed out a breath and marched down to the sitting room, leaving the door open for propriety’s sake.
Mr. Welton was smiling as he slid to the floor on his knees. “Miss Robbins, won’t you please reconsider my proposal to adore you all the days of your life? Please say you will marry me.”
I stared hard at him. “What is going on with you and Mrs. Drake?”
A look flitted across his face as he averted his eyes, his smile all but gone. “Wha—what? She is my mother’s friend, nothing more.”
“Tell me, or so help me, I shall—”
“Very well. I was so in love with you that I asked for her help in seeking your hand. But that is all. I swear, there was nothing more than that between us. You must believe me.”
“Did you promise her something for her help?” That would make sense, as she’d been so bent on me marrying him. “Did you give her money?”
“No, no.”
I put my hands on my hips and glared down at him, feeling almost like a mother scolding a child.
He made my mental image seem even more real as he looked sheepish and said, “Very well. You are much too clever, Miss Robbins. You have found me out.” He paused a moment to take a deep breath and let it out.
“I did offer her money if she was able to help me secure your acceptance of my proposal, and I told her she could have the cottage at my estate, as my mother’s friend, when I came into my inheritance.
But it was only because I loved you so dearly, Miss Robbins. ”
Or at least loved my money dearly.
“Won’t you please say yes, Miss Robbins, and make me the happiest man in England?”
I pressed my hand to my forehead and took a few deep breaths, praying silently, Lord God, help me.
“You do know that I no longer have a fortune, do you not? Did Mrs. Drake tell you that?”
“She told me you were planning to give it to your uncle’s daughter, but you don’t need to do that.
Marry me and I will have my solicitors take her to court.
I am sure that you will get to keep most, if not all, of the money.
” He leaned forward, an earnest look on his face.
“Let me guide you in this, Miss Robbins. I can help.”
I made a mighty effort not to roll my eyes heavenward and said, “I am flattered by your attentions, Mr. Welton, and I thank you for your offer, but I must decline. Please do not ask me again. Good day.”
And with that, I left the room to his sputtering behind me, “B-but, w-wait. Miss Robbins?”
I tried to go back to packing but ended up in my room, my forehead against the closed door, whispering, “God, please help me. Give me peace and wisdom. Please.”
A gentle knock came at my door. I was just able to take a step back before a servant opened the door.
“Miss Robbins, forgive me.” She looked startled, either because I was standing so close to the door, or because of the look on my face. “Lady Derringer is here to see you.”
I didn’t want to talk to Lady Derringer.
I wanted to go to bed and hide my face. I would go back to Mrs. Southey and beg for my old teaching position and realize that adventures and experiences in the big world were not the pleasant things I had imagined them to be.
I needed to be content in Milford with the lot God had given me.
But first I needed to ensure that Joshua and Sarah were taken care of.
I walked as regally as I could down the stairs to the sitting room.
“My dear.” Lady Derringer looked at me with so much sympathy that tears sprung to my eyes.
I forced myself to think only about the most polite words of greeting, and soon the tears stopped threatening.
“I’m so sorry all this has happened this way,” Lady Derringer said. “My nephew wished to come himself and talk with you, but . . . well, I could offer excuses, but that is for him to—”
“Let us not speak of him, if you don’t mind. Please, won’t you tell me what you have planned for Joshua and Sarah’s care?”
“Yes, of course.” She paused a moment. “Do you remember you spoke to me of an orphans’ home where street children could go to school and be cared for?
Well, why don’t you remain in London and help start that very home?
You can use part of the fifty thousand pounds. You could be the home’s director.”
She waited expectantly.
“I would like to help start a home for orphans,” I said slowly, “but I intend to return the money to Lord Brookhaven, its rightful owner.”
Lady Derringer smiled. “I am so glad to hear you say that you will help with the orphans’ home.”
I sighed. “I believe that some orphanages require children like Sarah and Joshua to have wealthy sponsors and to go through an application process. I would not want our home to require the children to have sponsors. I don’t want to turn anyone away who needs a home.”
“I also would not want to turn anyone away. But there is something I’ve been thinking about.” She frowned a little before continuing. “I’m not sure we’ll be able to house boys and girls together. Most homes separate them. And if we don’t wish to turn anyone away, we will need a large place.”
“I hadn’t thought about that.” I sighed again. This was to be a bigger undertaking than I’d originally thought.
“No need to worry. We will work out such details. But in the meantime, keep all your servants, and your guests are very welcome to stay as long as they’d like. It will take time to set everything up for the children, but we will certainly need servants.”
She talked some more about possible donors for us to call on, some information we would need to provide for a permit, and I listened, but painful thoughts arose.
What would become of me? What would happen to my dream of being loved, of having a husband and children, a family of my own? Would I go my whole life without someone to love me?
I couldn’t think like that. I’d immerse myself in this work of helping orphaned children, and that would be my joy and purpose. I’d forget about Lord Brookhaven.
I’d been so wrong about my fortune. In the beginning I’d thought it was supposed to help me feel powerful, in control of my future. I’d thought the dancing and the socializing would bring me what I wanted most, a chance at happiness, an opportunity to find love and have a family.
But I’d been wrong, for the best thing it had brought me was a chance to make a difference in Joshua and Sarah’s lives. I couldn’t think about the fact that what I really wanted was to be a family with them, to take care of them myself, in my home.
And what was Lord Brookhaven’s role to be in all of this? But I wouldn’t think about him.
For now, I would follow Lady Derringer’s advice, keep the money, keep my servants, and focus on starting a home for orphans.
I would pour out my love on the children.
It was enough. I could have a purpose in helping children grow up strong because they knew someone loved them.
But eventually I’d have to return to Mrs. Southey’s school.
Hattie decided to stay an extra day, but Millicent seemed eager to go.
The next morning, she said very little as I walked with her to the waiting carriage.
“I’m so sorry for how things turned out,” I said.
Millicent only looked grave and said nothing.
She’d barely said a word to me since I told her that the fortune had not come from an uncle but from Lord Brookhaven.
I’d since regretted telling her that. I wanted to believe the best about her, but something told me that she wouldn’t be discreet and would tell people what Lord Brookhaven had done.
It was the sort of thing that would ruin my reputation, but that hardly mattered now, since I’d no longer be available for balls and assemblies and parties, and I’d eventually return to Milford.
“Have a safe trip home,” I said. “Thank you for accepting my invitation. I very much enjoyed your company.”
Millicent finally looked back at me as she climbed into the carriage and sat down. “Thank you for your hospitality.” She shut the door herself, and I lost sight of her face as the carriage rolled away.
My heart sank, my worst fears confirmed.
Hattie came to stand beside me, and she squeezed my arm.
Thank you, God, for Hattie. She’d been sympathetic, but I could see the horror in her eyes, the same horror and confusion I felt. But I set aside my own feelings and said, “I am truly sorry, Hattie, that you’re having to cut your visit to London short.”
“You don’t need to keep apologizing. Besides, it is not your fault. But perhaps you can stay and run the orphanage.”
“Yes, perhaps.”
Dear, sweet Hattie. If only I could be as unencumbered with desires and selfish ambitions as Hattie seemed to be. If only I could have been content to teach at Mrs. Southey’s school and not have advertised to be a governess, I wouldn’t be feeling this pain in my heart right now.
It only took a moment to realize that I wasn’t sorry I’d accepted the offer to become a governess for Lord Brookhaven.
Though it had led to this pain and confusion, I wasn’t sorry I’d met him.
I’d seen a glimpse of his soul during our talks.
I’d seen true feeling and warmth and sincerity, and it had meant more to me than almost anything else.
Now I would focus on helping others, Joshua and Sarah and all the other children whom God would allow me to help. Just as that verse in Scripture said, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.”
Was this the work God had prepared for me? Or was I only grasping for something to make myself feel better?