Chapter 45
WILDER
My eyes are heavy, and I’m dead on my feet from not sleeping in fuck knows how long.
But I can’t remember the last time I felt so at peace as I do right now, sitting across from Maisie, watching her shove french fries drowned in nacho cheese into her mouth.
She moans loudly around the mouthful, eyes shut like she’s savoring the best thing she’s ever tasted, and I chuckle.
Her eyes pop open, revealing those pretty baby blues, and she lifts a brow. “Are you judging me right now, Wilder?”
I laugh. “No, but I am trying to keep from getting hard in this shitty-ass diner while you’re making noises like that.”
Maisie’s cheeks stain bright pink, and she shakes her head. “You’re ridiculous. Eat one, and then you’ll understand.”
The last thing I expected was for her to run out into the parking lot after me at Jack’s earlier.
I didn’t expect the shit that stumbled out of my mouth to happen either, and I sure as fuck never planned to feel the things that I’m feeling. But it was all the truth, even if I have no damn idea how to handle it.
Complicated as fuck for someone like me, who doesn’t know how to regulate shit, how to communicate in a way that isn’t toxic.
But seeing her in Jack’s tonight and wishing I was the one beside her… I blew through whatever fucking invisible line there was drawn between us. And now, there’s no looking back.
It made me realize that even if she’s not mine fully, even if she never will be, I can’t stand the thought of her being with anyone else.
Sharing her with anyone.
Like I needed any further proof of how much of a selfish asshole I already knew I was.
So, when she asked me to take her somewhere for burgers… I did.
We drove forty minutes outside of the city to Big Easy, a diner that I remember visiting once when I was a kid. One of the only memories I have as a child with my mother that doesn’t make my stomach curdle.
I can’t remember why she took me here or why we were so far away from home. I was too young.
I just remember having a cheeseburger and it being the best thing I’d ever tasted in my entire fucking life, juicy and dripping with grease.
The french fries were so hot they put a blister on the top of my mouth, but I couldn’t stop eating them, no matter how hot they were.
I remember running my tongue over it for days after, even though it hurt.
And I remember begging my mother for a milkshake and how she told me that she wasn’t wasting any more of her money on me.
That it was bad enough she had to buy me food with money she didn’t have.
Jesus, I was all of fucking six years old.
One of the waitresses heard me begging, and I guess the shit that my mother was telling me, and felt sorry for me because the next thing I knew, she was sliding a chocolate shake with a huge dollop of whipped cream and two cherries sitting on top across the table to me.
I used to think that was the best day of my life.
When Maisie said she wanted me to take her somewhere, this is the place I thought of. Nowhere near campus, where no one we knew, at least anyone who gave a shit about health codes, would be.
The perfect place to blend in and not be noticed.
To be alone with Maisie, but in public, doing something normal.
And this feels like the most normal thing I’ve ever done.
“What’s your favorite movie?” she asks around another mouthful, yanking me back to the present.
I shrug. “No clue. I can’t tell you the last time I watched one.”
“Oh yeah. I forgot the whole no TV in your apartment thing. Which is still insane to me, but…” She twists her lips together. “We should go to a movie, then. Obviously not right now since it’s almost…” Her eyes flick down at her phone resting on the top of the table. “Midnight.”
Shit. No wonder I’m half-dead. I’ve been up for almost twenty-four hours at this point.
Reaching forward, I swipe one of her french fries before popping it into my mouth. “I’d make it about ten minutes into a movie right now. I’m fucking exhausted.”
Maisie’s eyes widen. “Wilder, let’s go home. Seriously, I can’t imagine how tired you must be after the game and traveling all weekend with the team.”
I shake my head. “I’m good. Not too tired to be with you, baby.” I give her a small grin and steal another french fry.
She smiles at that. Sweet and soft. Beautiful.
Then she slides out of the booth across from me and walks over, lowering herself onto the seat beside me, her hips wiggling to give herself space.
All while wearing that smile.
And I realize that it might be the best part of my life, seeing her smile.
“The best, huh?” she says, and my head is so wrapped up in her that I almost miss the fact that she’s talking about the french fries. “Told you so.”
“Yeah. They are. But… the shakes are better.”
“You’ve been here before?”
Reaching up, I run my hand along my jaw, along the too-long stubble that I haven’t bothered to shave in days now. There’s a knot in the pit of my stomach that pulls tight when I think of bringing Maisie into that fucked-up mess of my what my life was.
Is.
I don’t know how to give her anything that isn’t tainted because every single part of me is. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem.
Finally, I nod. “A long time ago. My…” I trail off, trying to force the words out of me. “My mother brought me here, a long time ago. I just remember the milkshakes.”
It’s not the entire truth, but it’s all I can give.
Maisie leans into my side, giving me a sense of security that she doesn’t even realize that I need right now.
Grounding me in the present so the past doesn’t swallow me whole.
“Can I ask you something?”
A weight presses down on my chest, but I nod anyway. “Yeah.”
“When you told me about the group home and how it’s really hard for you. That means you were in foster care?” she asks softly, tentatively.
I knew the question would come eventually; it was just a matter of when.
The door was opened; it was simply when she was going to walk through it and ask the right things.
Before I can put together some version of the truth, our waitress returns with a pitcher.
“Here you go, sweetheart,” Doris, I read from her name tag, tells Maisie with a smile, refilling her cup for the third time, voice rough and hoarse, likely from years of yelling out orders over a counter and a cigarette break every hour.
She looks like she’s probably been a part of this place as long as it’s stood here.
Her bleached hair is stiff from hairspray piled onto the top of her hair, the makeup on her face thick and cakey, bright red lipstick smeared at the corners. “I love me some sweet tea too.”
Maisie gives her a bright, warm smile that has her blue eyes shining. “It’s my favorite, and I think this one might be the best I’ve ever had. Could we order a chocolate milkshake too? With extra whip cream? Thank you so much, Doris. You’ve been so wonderful.”
Doris waves her hand through the air. “Oh, honey, please, it’s my job. I’ll put that shake in and bring it over soon as it’s ready. Let me know if y’all need anything else in the meantime.”
She’s gone in a cloud of cheap perfume, and I look down at the girl tucked against my side in this old, shitty little diner, whose warmth and kindness spills onto everyone she meets.
A literal ray of goddamn sunshine.
It never ceases to blow my mind that someone can be so fucking good all the time.
To be so full of pure light that they bleed it out.
That’s who Maisie is.
And she’s given me pieces of herself, not expecting anything in return. Not a single damn thing.
That’s the reason the words tumble out of my mouth before I give myself a chance to push them or her away.
“I spent the majority of my childhood in foster care.”
I watch her eyes soften, melting for me. Not with pity, I don’t think. I don’t know. Something maybe even worse. Something I refuse to even acknowledge.
“Your mom, she…”
I shake my head when she trails off, but I don’t elaborate. I can’t.
“I was in the group home until I aged out. That’s where I met Camila.
She’s the only family I have. I haven’t been back since.
It’s not a place that holds good memories for me, but I’m going to do it.
” Even though the thought makes panic claw at my throat, my air restricted from my lungs. “For the kids.”
Maisie whispers thickly, “That’s very selfless of you, Wilder.”
I resist the urge to scoff at the sentiment. Instead, a hum vibrates in my throat, the only response I have to give.
And then I feel her soft hand sliding over the top of mine, threading our fingers together tightly.
The most quiet reassurance, like she knows that I’m ready to run and that any more words might be too much. Too hard.
Too far.
Doris returns a few quiet minutes later with the milkshake, sliding it across the table toward us.
My gaze settles on the glass in front of me, the same one from when I was a kid, and unease weighs heavily in my gut.
It’s just a fucking milkshake.
Chocolate in a goddamn glass.
But it’s a relic from the past I keep trying to bury. I didn’t expect it to affect me this way. A faraway memory that I never think of anymore, I guess, until it’s staring me in the face and demanding to be heard.
“Ugh, I love whipped cream. I could eat the entire bottle of it,” Maisie says as she leans forward and drags the tip of her yellow-painted finger through the massive dollop and then brings it to her mouth.
I focus on her. On watching her wrap her lips around her finger and groaning.
On the warmth of her body next to me.
She repeats the motion, but this time, she turns to me. “Want some?”
I’m shaking my head because I’m not even going to touch that thing, but then she grins, a mischievous sparkle shining in the depths of her eyes as she smears it all over my lips and chin, wherever she can manage on my face.
I freeze, my eyes widening when she lets out a sweet little giggle, one that I feel like it’s something physical and not just a sound.
It loosens my limbs, calming me, grounding me once again.
Maisie doesn’t reach for a napkin. No, she tilts her chin toward me and licks across my lips, gathering all of her mess onto her tongue.
Only then do I move, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me.
“That was dirty, Sunshine. My bad girl,” I murmur before dragging my mouth back and forth along her face. Her cheeks, her forehead. Her lips. Wherever the hell I can reach, making sure that she’s covered in whipped cream too.
She never stops giggling or fighting to push me away, and fuck, I’m smiling too now.
Somehow, I’ve got a smile so big on my face that my cheeks start to hurt.
That’s when I realize that after tonight… this is the memory that I’m going to remember about this place. Maisie covered in whipped cream, her eyes bright with happiness, her smile a testament to the fact that I’m what made her happy.
She’s what I’ll think of.
Rewriting my past one memory at a time.