Chapter 46
MAISIE
Despite the fact that my uterus currently feels like it’s trying to fight its way out of my body, I texted Lennon for an emergency girls’ day because apparently, overthinking doesn’t stop even when you’re dying.
Yes, there is a stupid amount of hormones raging through my body right now, making me more emotional than I normally am.
But it doesn’t change anything.
I’d still be feeling the way I am right now without it. It just… amplifies things. I think?
Hence, the reason I desperately needed my best friend more than I think I ever have before.
Lennon and I are in my bed, facing each other, covered in my favorite fluffy, soft blanket that feels safe. Secure.
Comforting.
A heating pad currently searing through the skin on my belly as I fight the worst case of cramps ever.
Sebastian’s snoring softly between our feet.
It’s exactly what I needed, and I didn’t realize how much I needed it until I feel the hot sting of tears welling in my eyes.
“Oh, Mais. What’s going on? Why are you crying?” Len murmurs as she scoots in closer, throwing her arm over me.
There’s something spiritual about being this close with your best friend when you’re an emotional, hormonal wreck and leaning all your weight on her, knowing that she can carry the weight.
My tears are falling freely now, the salty drops coating my cheeks, and a quiet sob bubbles out of me. I’m not even sad. I’m just… I’m overwhelmed.
“I think… I think I love Wilder.” It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.
Lennon’s lips pull into a soft smile, her eyes softening. “And that’s a bad thing?”
“No,” I blurt, then shake my head. “Yes? God, I don’t even know right now. I’m scared, Lennon.”
“It’s okay to be scared. Love is the scariest thing in the world sometimes.” Her thumb sweeps along my back gently. “But it’s also the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world. And you deserve that feeling, babe.”
I nod.
I do.
I know that I do.
“Tell me why you’re afraid.”
My throat feels tight as I sniffle, looking over at her through the blur of my tears.
“Because I don’t know if Wilder will ever feel the same about me, Lennon.
He… He told me from the start that this was just hooking up, and I stupidly agreed because I had no clue that I would end up feeling this way. ”
She nods, encouraging me to continue.
“And I just… I’m terrified that I’m the one who’s fallen, like the stupid, naive, inexperienced young girl who lives with her head in the clouds.
I don’t think Wilder wants to love anyone.
Especially not a college girl he’s sneaking around with.
Not that it would help with the fact that he can’t love me out loud, even if he did. ”
Lennon’s brow pinches. “Hey, first of all, don’t reduce yourself to that. You are brilliant, Maisie. The most beautiful person I’ve ever known, inside and out. You’re kind and generous, and your heart is so beautiful.”
Another sob bursts out of me, and I squeeze my eyes shut. God, I really do feel silly right now. I’m not even crying because I’m sad; I’m crying because I’m experiencing so many emotions that my soft heart doesn’t understand which to process first.
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I will hype you anytime you need to hear it, babe. You know that. “
I exhale shakily. “My entire life, I’ve wanted to fall in love.
I spent my teenage years with my head buried in a book, reading about the most beautiful, epic romances.
I’ve read a thousand different stories of people falling in love, about meeting their soulmates because the universe—no, because fate tethered them together.
And you know what I love about love? About the books I read?
It’s the overpowering reciprocation.” I swallow.
“It’s about not only loving someone wholly, completely, with every fiber of your being, but being loved the same way back. ”
I didn’t mean all of this to come spilling out of me the way that it is, but it’s like now that the door has been opened, all of my worries and fears and hopes are just pouring out, and I can’t stop them.
“Len, what if I’ve fallen in love with Wilder… and he’ll never love me back? What if this is my own all-consuming, once-in-a-lifetime romance, and… it’ll never truly be mine? I’m terrified to love someone who might not ever feel the same.”
“Would it change the way that you feel? If Wilder couldn’t give you the same that you give him, would it make you love him any less?” Lennon asks softly, her bright green eyes flickering with empathy.
I know the answer even before she finishes asking the question.
My heart would be broken from taking the beating of a lifetime, but my love for him, those little pieces he’s given me, would still be woven into the bruised and battered organ.
It would still be his.
Even though I haven’t given an answer, she adds, “Love isn’t a choice.
It’s not a decision. It’s not something you can turn off and just walk away from.
I understand being afraid, Mais. But what if Wilder does feel the same?
What if all of those unexpected emotions and feelings that you’re experiencing…
he is too? Even if love isn’t something he wanted or planned for.
He won’t be able to turn it off or walk away, just like you couldn’t. ”
It makes sense.
Everything that she’s saying, I want to hold on to, believe in it the way I have in every love story I’ve ever read.
It’s just harder when there’s something real at stake.
And it’s the most important part of you.
“It just feels like sometimes I can’t get through these walls he’s built.
They’re impenetrable. It seems like a lifetime of pushing everyone as far out as he can.
But then there’s the smallest crack, a tiny fissure in the concrete that plants hope in me, and every time it spreads, that hope grows.
Every time he gives me a piece, I tuck it away. ”
The night he was sick. The other night at Jack’s. The diner after.
All the precious pieces that showed me there’s so much more to Wilder than I ever imagined. But…
“What if he’s too closed off, Lennon? What if I can’t ever get through? What if he doesn’t want me to?”
She sighs, and understanding moves over her face, softening the furrow between her brow. “You know, this is like someone I know too.”
I’m confused for only a moment until her brows lift, and then I realize who she’s talking about.
Saint.
“Speaking from experience… Sometimes the only way they have to protect themselves is to shut everyone and everything out. It’s the only defense they have from a life that’s done nothing but hurt them.
And it’s not that they don’t want to love or to be loved; it’s that they don’t think they deserve it. ”
My heart twists when I think of Wilder, and I wonder if that’s the way that he feels. Does he not think he’s worthy of love?
What’s hurt him so badly? Or who? Was it his mother? Is that why he grew up in the system?
“I love him, Len,” I say, my tears finally drying and something fierce blooming inside of me and replacing my worries. “Even though it’s scary, and I might get my heart broken. Even if he doesn’t feel the same.”
She drops her forehead against mine and quietly breathes with me as the thoughts scatter in my brain.
“You’re the bravest, most determined girl I’ve ever met, and love is meant to make you stronger, stronger than you’ve ever been before. Maybe this is the way your story’s been written, Mais. Maybe instead of being saved by the hero, you’re the one doing the saving.”
I can’t help but wonder if I’m strong enough to withstand the battle for Wilder’s heart.
To face whatever is holding it hostage within those walls surrounding it.