Chapter 8 #3
Thaddeus gaped. “Sweden? You’re shitting me.”
“Nope.” I fought the lump back down my throat.
“If I’d had the balls to follow my gut and raise the issue with him earlier, we might’ve parted on better terms. He called me from the airport two weeks later, before he flew out.
It was the first time I’d heard from him since he left.
He apologised, kind of, but I was still too angry to even try and understand.
” I hesitated, remembering all the good times we’d shared.
“It might sound crazy, but I still miss him . . . as a friend, if nothing else.” The truth of my words hit like a punch to my chest. I’d spent seven years hating James for blowing up our lives, and it was the first time I’d admitted aloud how much I actually missed him.
Thaddeus reached over and squeezed my hand.
“If he wasn’t happy living up here, then he had a responsibility to tell you.
You’re not a mind reader, Ryder. Maybe you didn’t want your suspicions confirmed, but ultimately, his decision was on him, not you.
And this from an expert in the art of conflict avoidance.
I hate it. I ran too, remember? So, I kind of understand what drove him.
That’s why I’m here, after all. I don’t want to face what’s waiting for me back in Wellington.
All the snide comments and sideways looks .
. . and my mother.” He groaned. “God help me, my mother.”
I considered him for a moment. “But you sat in front of a freaking bulldozer this morning. That’s hardly conflict avoidance.”
Thaddeus practically beamed. “Yeah, I did, didn’t I?
” His smile faded. “But there’s facing down a bulldozer, and then there’s my mother.
” He released my hand and fell back on his chair.
“I love that woman to bits, but she lives her life terrified of shadows. My being gay raises old fears rooted in the stigma and violence she witnessed as a kid growing up in Serbia. It was a fear that never quite left either of my parents. She’s convinced that I won’t be safe from the homophobic world until I’m coupled up.
That way, someone else can take care of me, and she doesn’t have to worry.
Like I’m not enough of a man to take care of myself. ”
I groaned because the story wasn’t new. Thaddeus wasn’t the first slightly built gay kid to suffer those assumptions. For some people, gay and weak were synonymous. But hearing it from your own mother had to be hard.
“Thaddeus Grey doesn’t sound very Serbian,” I observed.
Thaddeus chuckled. “It’s not. My parents, especially my mum, were pretty big on blending in and hiding your differences.
Before I was born, Dad changed our last name from Sivak to Grey.
It’s not an exact translation at all, but he figured it was close enough.
Then my mother named me the most English name she could come up with.
Her reading slash English group was ploughing through Mortal Engines at the time. ”
I laughed, but then added in a more serious tone, “It’s actually pretty sad they felt they couldn’t be who they truly were.”
Thaddeus shrugged. “I’m not sure if things have changed that much, to be honest. I love our Serbian heritage, and I’ve thought about changing my last name back, but I’m nervous about Mum’s reaction.
I don’t want to upset her. People always fear what they don’t know, right?
Just like Mum thinking I need someone to take care of me. ”
I sympathised. “You hear that enough, and you can begin to believe it. It fucks with your head.”
Thaddeus blinked, his eyes suspiciously shiny in the pool of light streaming from the family room. “Yeah, it does.” He took a slug of beer and stared out at the dark garden.
I asked, “What did your dad think about you being gay?”
Thaddeus said nothing for a moment, then, “To be honest, I really don’t know.
He wasn’t exactly faithful to my mother in Serbia or New Zealand.
They divorced when I was twelve, just before I came out.
He moved to the UK with a new family and pretty much dropped out of my life.
My mother never remarried. Instead, she dedicated herself to raising me.
” The last part was said with meaning, followed by a world-weary sigh.
I studied his profile and wished I could see those beautiful eyes. “I imagine that was pretty intense at times, with it just being the two of you. A lot of expectations.”
Thaddeus snorted. “Ya think? My one act of defiance was to ditch university halfway through and start writing my own software. As part of a research project, I’d been working on a large-scale irrigation monitoring programme that could cut agricultural water consumption and waste by up to thirty per cent.
One of the large tech companies got wind of it and offered me a contract.
I’d never enjoyed university as much as working on my own projects, so I was more than happy to leave.
It turned out to be a big success, but my mother didn’t talk to me for six months. ”
I leaned forward in my chair and patted his knee. “Well, I think it was an incredibly brave thing to do, leaving the system and trusting your instincts. You obviously have the skills.”
His gaze flicked to my hand still resting on his knee, then back out to the garden. “Either that or I was stupid. The jury is currently out on that one, all things considered.”
“You don’t know that yet,” I argued. “You’re young and clearly talented. If you did it once, you can do it again. It’s important not to doubt yourself into some kind of paralysis. Ask me how I know.”
Thaddeus huffed softly, but his gaze remained fixed on the garden, his shoulders tense.
“But even if I solve the job issue, it won’t help things with my mother.
She’s going to hate all of this, but especially the fact that I’m back single again.
That far surpasses anything else. I called her this morning, and her first response to Judd cheating on me was to ask what I’d done that Judd felt the need to find solace elsewhere. ”
I blinked. “Oh. My. God. Truly?”
“Truly.” He gave a world-weary sigh and finally looked over. “I know she loves me and that she doesn’t mean or realise how it comes across, but I’m so fucking tired of feeling like a disappointment to her.” The pain in his expression said everything.
I thought about everything he’d said. “Is that what you meant when you said your feelings for Judd were complicated?”
He groaned, and his body seemed to cave in on itself.
“It’s so embarrassing. A grown man should know what he’s feeling, right?
But I can’t say for certain how much of what I felt for Judd was genuinely love and how much was me feeling that this was a man I really, really liked, and that my mother did too—a massive bonus.
And that maybe if we worked hard enough, we could make things work.
Then Mum would be proud of me and my life would be perfect.
” He grimaced, hearing his own words. “Yeah, it doesn’t sound convincing at all, does it? ”
I held up my hands. “Hey, I think I just proved that I’m not exactly a guru in the relationship stakes myself.
And it’s not embarrassing. Hearts are fucking complicated things.
No one truly understands them. No one. And nothing in life happens in a vacuum, love and relationships included.
I thought James was the real thing, but whatever he felt for me—and I do think he loved me—it couldn’t survive living out here.
My sisters are always trying to set me up on dates, but I refuse to cave to their machinations.
Like your mother, they also say they only want me to be happy. ”
Thaddeus held up his bottle. “Cheers to meddling families.”
I laughed and clinked my bottle to his. “Cheers. So, did you come to any decisions on your next move after your big day of thinking?”
Thaddeus pulled a disgruntled face. “Well, since my fairy godmother is MIA, and I left Dorothy’s red shoes at home, I suppose I’ll head back to Wellington and face the music. Go see my mother, God help me. Sort out my life. Ignore the pitying looks from my friends.”
I didn’t envy him. “Yep, been there, done that, and it totally sucks.”
He gave me a wry smile. “Any tips?”
I thought back to how it felt when James left. “Stock up on tequila, do your crying at home or with your best mate, then find a warm body who is happy to be your distraction.”
He chuckled. “Obviously not you.”
I caught his gaze and held it. “They’ll be queuing just for the opportunity, believe me.”
He went still, his expression unreadable bar a slight shimmer to his eyes. He glanced down, then back up. “I think you’ve forgotten the socially challenged part of who I am.”
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t. You’re a smart, funny, good-looking guy. Any man who doesn’t see that in the first five minutes of being in your company isn’t worth the effort. Just be yourself. There’s an awful lot to like in that.”
The crease between his eyebrows deepened. “Who the hell are you, Ryder Nelson? Who says that kind of shit to someone they barely know?”
I opened my hands. “No one, that’s who. Just a struggling landscape gardener with a sad romantic past and a few life lessons learned along the way.”
“Mmm.” Thaddeus studied me intently. “First off, a lot of people have a sad romantic something in their background and still manage to be arseholes. Second, you are very definitely not a no one. You are perhaps the least no one I have ever met. A no one who is very much a someone.”
I stared at him, not sure how to respond to that. Thaddeus might’ve asked me who I was, but it was he who was the real mystery here. “I . . . thank you . . . I think. Just telling it how it is.”
“That there’s a lot to like about me?” Thaddeus grunted, unimpressed. “Pretty sure there’s one or two people ready to argue that point right about now.”