Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THADDEUS
What the fuck was that?
With my face buried against Ryder’s fiery skin, my emotions unravelled faster than I could scrabble the threads together, my brain clinging to his words and constant reassurance. His belief in me. That I’d be okay. That I’d get through this.
In thirty minutes, Ryder had managed to flip my world on its axis, and I was struggling to find a foothold, still feeling the sexy brush of his short beard over my lips and everything south . . . way south. The press of his hot tongue inside me. The way his cock filled me.
The way he . . . looked at me.
The way I felt when he did.
Jesus Christ. Good sex was one thing, and I’d had my share.
But that? What we’d done together. That was a whole lot more than just good sex.
That was . . . fuck. I didn’t even know what that was or, worse yet, the implications.
The word “spectacular” came to mind, along with “terrifying”, “confusing”, and “what the fucking hell?”
I’d been with Judd for three years, and sex between us had been good, sometimes even great.
But I wasn’t sure I’d ever had quite so much fun or felt as weirdly in sync as I did with Ryder.
I felt more like me. I felt free. There was no hit list of prescribed highlights that needed ticking off, as I’d so often felt with Judd.
It was a list that remained a mystery to me even after three years of fucking him.
With Judd, great sex happened when I somehow managed to ace that list, which wasn’t very often.
And as for what I might want? What a joke.
I barely knew what I wanted myself, let alone ask Judd for it.
I was too busy trying to give him what I thought he wanted.
I’d always considered him far more experienced in bed, which left me feeling somewhat less than. An adequate lover, but not much more.
Was that why Judd had gone to Phillip’s bed? Did Phillip give him what I couldn’t? Was my mother right after all?
The thought unsettled me in ways I wasn’t ready for because it also begged the question of how Ryder could undo me in ways Judd never had.
I’d known Judd for three years. I’d known Ryder for four days.
It was crazy thinking. I’d loved Judd, or I thought I had.
It hadn’t felt like a lie. Not at the time.
But if I hadn’t loved him, then I’d been a complete and utter fool and deserved everything that happened.
I swallowed hard. No. Not everything.
Judd had professed to love me too, and yet he’d fucked around on me.
Hurt me deeply. He didn’t get a free pass for that.
But maybe he’d been lying to himself as well.
Or maybe, like me, he’d been settling for something that ticked most of his boxes, but not the really important one.
For Judd, those boxes would’ve been security, attention, money, and a comfortable life.
Shallow? Maybe. But were they any shallower than my reasons—my mother’s approval, for Chrissakes. Who the fuck does that?
“Hey, hey, hey.” Ryder rolled onto his side, forcing me to face him.
I hadn’t felt the tears rolling again, but his neck was wet with them.
He took the corner of the sheet and dabbed at my lip. It came away stained with blood and he shot me an apologetic look. “Too much mouth stuff.” He threw my earlier words back at me.
I pressed the sheet corner back to my lip, murmuring, “You won’t hear me complaining.”
Ryder chuckled, his blue eyes looked almost like ink in the lengthening shadows, his expression worried. “Talk to me, yeah? I might not have any answers, but I can listen.”
I hesitated. I wasn’t one for baring my soul, particularly the nitty-gritty stuff, and I barely knew Ryder. But maybe that was a good thing because he didn’t know me either. I could look as weak and pathetic as I felt, and when I left, I’d never have to see him again.
I was speaking before I knew it. “Phillip was my best friend from when we were kids,” I ground out, tucking my head so Ryder couldn’t see the fresh flood of tears.
He closed his arm around my back and pressed his lips to my hair.
“We did everything together, even lost our virginity on the same night at a Tripweasel concert when we were fifteen.” I paused, then clarified, “To different guys.”
Ryder chuffed.
I blew out a sigh and played with the curls of hair on his chest. “Phillip was there for me when my parents divorced and life got really fucked up. He knew about Dad’s affairs and how much I hated what it did to my mother and me.
He knew, and yet he still went and did that to me.
He threw our friendship away like it meant nothing.
I trusted him. The only fucking person I did trust, to be honest.” I choked on the words and Ryder’s hold on me tightened, his fingers trailing fire over my skin.
“And Judd?” Ryder pressed gently. “It sounds like Phillip’s betrayal might’ve hit harder.”
I checked the sheet to find my lip had stopped bleeding.
I pushed it aside and sank against Ryder’s warmth.
“I think you’re right, and I’ve been wondering about that.
The idea of Phillip doing what he did to me, with Judd, who wasn’t just my boyfriend but a work colleague as well?
It does my fucking head in. I’m not sure that my trust in people will fully recover.
I hope so. But as for Judd?” I paused a beat and chose my words carefully.
“Some part of me always feared that Judd might tire of having his wings clipped. I considered myself lucky that he even looked at me, let alone loved me. We’re so different.
He’s like this colourful bird-of-paradise, at his best in a roomful of people where he’s the centre of attention.
I’m more like a blackbird. Like that one in your garden.
Hopping around in the undergrowth and happy to be ignored. Just going about my business.”
Ryder snort-laughed. “Believe me, you’re no blackbird. Not that there’s anything wrong with blackbirds, per se, but I see you more as a—” The bedroom fell silent for a moment as he thought. “—a kingfisher. Yes, that’s perfect.”
“A kingfisher?” I looked up in disbelief. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’m serious,” he insisted.
“Kingfishers are highly skilled, and they have exceptional vision. They study the water for a long time before zeroing in on their prey and diving expertly to catch it. They’re beautifully coloured and eye-catching, just like you.
” He pressed his lips to my forehead, and I felt a rush of heat to my cheeks.
“But for them, that pretty plumage isn’t all about attention and display.
They’re quite often solitary and very territorial.
They live in a wide variety of habitats, and although they can fly, they’re swift and nimble beneath the water as well.
They survive by utilising two completely different environments. ”
He finished as if on an exclamation mark, and I couldn’t hide my smile.
Ryder saw me as a kingfisher? My mind was busy conjuring images to match his words.
I’d always loved kingfishers; they were one of the few birds I could name.
The idea that Ryder likened me to one was mind-blowing, even if it was also utterly preposterous.
But when I studied his face, I didn’t find humour in those blue eyes.
He was serious, and I had no idea what to do with that.
“I—um—” I started, then stopped. “Do you—” I started and stopped again, because, seriously, what in the hell did you say to something like that?
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.” A crimson tide was steadily climbing Ryder’s throat.
“I just thought you should know that people don’t see you like you see yourself.
Or at least, I don’t see you like that. Not even close.
You need to have a little more faith in yourself, Thaddeus.
The fact that Phillip turned out to be a jerk is pretty fucking disappointing, I get that.
But that failure isn’t on you. It says nothing about who you are as a person, other than Phillip didn’t deserve you as a friend.
There’ll be others who deserve your friendship, and they shouldn’t bear the burden of his fuckup. ”
I rested my chin on his chest and stared up at him. “Like you?”
He smiled sweetly and kissed my forehead.
“Yeah, like me. And if Judd wasn’t one hundred per cent on board with the future you’d planned together, you can’t force it on someone.
Ask me how I know?” His mouth quirked up in a wry smile.
“It was his responsibility to tell you, not go fuck your best friend.”
He was right, of course, but it was still nice to hear the words.
I lost myself in those beautiful blue eyes and tried to understand why Ryder seemed to care so much.
It was no skin off his nose what I thought of myself, and his words shouldn’t have meant as much to me as they did for exactly the same reason.
But they did mean something. And Ryder meant something.
And for the first time since my world had blown up, I didn’t feel as gut-wrenchingly lonely and pathetic as I had.
And I wondered if maybe Ryder was right about something else.
In just a few days, I’d done shit I would never have dreamed of.
I had more in me than I’d given myself credit for.
I might actually come out of this mess okay, after all.
If that wasn’t a fucking miracle, then I didn’t know what was.
Ryder had given that to me, and all I’d given him were a bunch of half-truths and selective omissions.