Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
RYDER
I heard his footsteps in the hall as I stared into the garden beyond the glass slider.
I heard him come into the kitchen.
I heard him stop.
I heard Ziggy bouncing around his legs like he always did.
But I couldn’t bring myself to turn around.
I couldn’t bring myself to face the man I’d begun to imagine I could have a future with.
I couldn’t believe what Phillip had said could be true.
That Thaddeus was capable of doing what Phillip so gleefully accused him of.
I wanted to believe that Phillip was simply trying to stir up shit between us.
But one look at the devastation written on Thaddeus’s face and I knew it was true.
How had I been so fucking gullible?
I knew he’d been hiding something. I knew it.
Naomi had seen it. She’d warned me to be careful. If Thaddeus hadn’t been upfront about himself regarding the apartment, what else might he be hiding?
Clearly, the fact that he actually owned the damn company I’d assumed he worked for. That and the fact the said company was bidding on a fucking Elosand contract.
That’s the part that was really screwing with my head. The company thing was a minor issue compared to the damn contract. Thaddeus had sat in front of a bulldozer for fuck’s sake.
An uncharitable thought sprang to mind, and the question was out before I could stop it. “Was it all part of a plan?” I spun to face him, fury ripping in my voice.
Thaddeus’s face drained of all colour and his eyes shot wide. “Wh-what do you mean?”
I steeled my nerves, determined not to allow his obvious distress to distract me from the truth.
I spoke slowly and deliberately. “Did you crash your car and land in my property as some kind of ruse to gather information for your little project? Were you worried the proposal might not get approved? Did you want to find out how determined I was to fight it and whether I could be enticed to back down?” And, oh shit.
Another thought made my blood run cold, and I advanced on him.
“Did the council pay you to come here and root around in my life? Were they looking for something they could use against me? Did they?” I ended on a shout.
“No! Jesus Christ, Ryder!” Thaddeus backed away, eyes brimming, head shaking. “No. Of course they fucking didn’t. What the hell? How could you even think that?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” I snapped. “Maybe because you’re bidding on a contract for a development that will destroy my fucking home. A home I shared with you for almost three weeks.” I drilled him with a glare. “Was the break-up part true, at least?”
Thaddeus jolted as if I’d slapped him, and I tried not to care. “Yes!” he declared, arms opening wide. “Of course it was true. It was all true. Everything I told you was true.”
I huffed disappointedly. “Except for the fact that you didn’t tell me everything, did you?
You conveniently omitted some key information, which you know damn well would’ve changed things between us.
” I swallowed around the growing lump in my throat as the conversation slid closer to what really mattered.
“Ryder, I—”
“You were staying in my home, Thaddeus,” I cut him off.
“You were sleeping in my bed. I trusted you. I cared about you. I let you in. And now I learn that every night we sat together on that damn sofa, you were writing code for something that was going to destroy the cottage? How could you do that? I thought we—” I stopped and dragged a hand over my face.
“You know what, it doesn’t matter. Whatever I thought, I was clearly wrong.
Maybe I have no right to feel this way. I didn’t ask the questions I should have, and we made no promises or talked about anything continuing beyond your time here.
But I suppose I was hoping . . .” I couldn’t finish, tears filling my eyes, the emotion finally getting to me.
“Ryder, please.” Thaddeus took a tentative step but I held up my hand.
“Don’t.”
He nodded, wiped the tears from his face, and said, “Can I say something now?”
I stepped back to lean against the glass, not sure I could hold myself up if there were any more confessions. “Go ahead.”
Thaddeus took a long, slow breath. “You’ve every right to be furious with me.”
I scoffed, “Ya think?”
Thaddeus wiped his eyes, swallowed hard, and I tried not to let how truly miserable he looked get to me, or wonder if his obvious distress might signal something important.
Every instinct in my body told me to take him in my arms. That maybe there was a good reason for what he’d done.
That maybe we would get through this. That maybe the whole thing wasn’t as fucked up as it felt.
That everything would work itself out if we just talked it through.
The trouble was, I wasn’t convinced that it would.
For whatever reason, Thaddeus hadn’t been truthful when it really started to matter.
Forget about the first week. Forget about that one hook-up, which had felt anything but a hook-up.
Those didn’t matter. But after the swim.
After we started sleeping and living together like we really meant something to each other. Then it mattered.
“I should’ve told you a lot sooner,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper, the look in those beautiful tawny eyes pleading for me to just give him a chance.
“I don’t have an excuse, and I wouldn’t patronise you by offering one.
I could’ve told you on that first day and every day since.
Yes, I’m an emotional mess. And yes, I’m a coward.
But you invited me into your home and I should’ve come clean right then.
I’m not sure that even I fully understand why I didn’t, but I’ll try and explain. ”
“Knock yourself out.” I drew a shuddering breath and waited.
Looking more than a little unsteady on his feet, Thaddeus moved to the sofa and perched on its arm.
A few seconds passed before he began again.
“Driving up here that night was nothing more than a fluke. In the middle of the storm, my chaotic brain saw a road name I recognised, and I decided to head there. I was looking for a quiet spot to sleep in my car. That’s it.
There was nothing nefarious. No lies. Nothing. ”
“Except for the part where you didn’t tell me why you recognised the road,” I pointed out.
“Yeah. Except for that,” Thaddeus admitted, his cheeks a fiery red.
“Initially, I didn’t tell you about the company or the apartment because I didn’t expect to be here more than a night or two.
Not to mention, I was embarrassed that a grown man, with everything going for him and a ton of options at his disposal, had simply run away when life got hard.
It was easier to let you think I couldn’t go back because I either had nowhere to stay or no job to return to.
I might not have actually said those words, but that’s no excuse. ”
I tried not to feel sympathy, but it was hard. I shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, then gave up completely and collapsed in the armchair opposite him.
“I couldn’t work with Phillip again,” Thaddeus continued in a dull monotone.
“And I seriously doubted he’d agree to leave.
That left me to either buy him out for a no doubt exorbitant price, which kind of felt like rewarding him for his fuckery, or sell my share in the company, which I really didn’t want to do.
And I believed I needed the contract with Elosand to achieve either of the objectives. ”
“Believed?” I picked up on his use of past tense. “As in, you don’t now?”
Thaddeus shrugged, his gaze sliding to his lap where he picked at a thread on his jeans.
“Let’s just say, the longer I stayed, the less important the money became.
Not because I don’t need it, but because I refuse to sell my soul for it.
” He looked up, directly into my eyes. “I stopped working on that bid almost a week ago, Ryder. I couldn’t do it anymore.
I just hadn’t figured out how to tell you everything without losing you. ”
For a second, my heart leapt in my chest.
Thaddeus’s eyes glittered in the light, his cheeks damp.
He wiped them dry. “I really, really don’t want to lose you.
I know it’s crazy after such a short time together, but I really like you, Ryder, and that’s what’s been stopping me from telling you.
I knew I’d made a huge mistake in not owning up sooner, but then we started being .
. . well . . . more . . . and I was terrified of fucking that up. ”
“But you did anyway,” I reminded him.
He sighed. “Yeah, I know. This last week has been the best week of my life. I’m not the same guy who slept in your shed.
You, this cottage, the river, all of it has changed me.
I had my lawyer send the buyout offer to Phillip because I’d decided to sell and do something different with my skills.
That’s why Phillip was here, to complain about the figure I’d quoted him.
I’m done, Ryder. Done with it all. And I was going to tell you everything tonight. ”
Silence filled the room, but Thaddeus didn’t look away. His gaze was fixed on mine, his expression earnest, pleading. He desperately wanted me to believe him, and the truth was, I wanted that too.
I wanted to afford him the benefit of the doubt.
I wanted the chance to see if we truly had something to build on.
I wanted it so fucking much, I could barely stand it.
But that persistent niggle of doubt lingered in my chest, holding me back.
A voice that questioned exactly what sort of relationship could be built on such a precarious foundation of half-truths.
If Thaddeus could run scared about being honest with something so important, what else might send him running?
And when it came down to it, Thaddeus was a city boy, after all.
There was no way I could survive in his world, so he’d need to want to live in mine.
I could risk opening my heart only to find the same problem slap me in the face as had happened with James.
Hell, even my internet connection was dodgy at times.
How on earth would a screen jockey cope with that?
We were different in so many ways. Maybe too many.
Maybe this had been a good thing.
Maybe I’d needed to take a step back.
I stood and wiped my hands down the front of my jeans. Thaddeus’s hot eyes followed my every move. When I looked up and locked eyes, his gutted expression told me he knew exactly what was coming.
I tried not to let it affect me, but my fucking heart was breaking as I said, “I can’t simply ignore what you did, even if I truly, truly want to.
Your lack of honesty about your involvement in something you knew damn well would rip my heart out completely baffles me.
You knew, and yet you kept working on it, under my roof and in my bed, even if only for a short time.
You say that you stopped, and I believe you. ” I hesitated. “I think.”
The impact of my uncertainty was hard to miss in Thaddeus’s eyes. He looked devastated.
I forced myself to continue. “But I can’t simply pretend it doesn’t matter, and that’s the problem. I’m not sure where that leaves us, but for now, I think you should go.”
Thaddeus’s whole body caved inward around itself, and he sucked in a loud gulp of air. “I’m sorry, Ryder. I totally get it, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
I instinctively leaned forward to drag him into my arms, desperate to comfort him. To comfort myself. I hated seeing him like this. Hated feeling like I did. Hated every fucking thing that had brought us to this moment.
But I held fast to my resolve and took a deep breath.
“I’m going to work in the greenhouse. I’ll give you enough time to organise a ride to pick you up.
With the resources you so clearly have, I’m sure that won’t be a problem.
” It was a cheap jab, and I regretted it the moment it left my lips.
I walked to the bifold door, opened it, and passed through.
Then I turned to Thaddeus for one last look.
“Take care of yourself, Thaddeus,” I said, meaning every word. “Regardless of everything that’s happened, I don’t regret a second of getting to know you. Believe in that man who faced down a bulldozer because that’s the true Thaddeus. That’s the Thaddeus I know. That’s the one I fell for.”
I drank in the sight of him one last time and then called Ziggy to heel. I imagined Thaddeus watching me go. Imagined him running after me, asking for another chance and knowing damn well that I would give it if he did. I really fucking would. My resolve was hanging by a thread.
But Thaddeus didn’t follow.
He didn’t beg.
He let me go.
And I had to respect him for that.
I made it through the gardens and into the glasshouse before finally coming apart. I bundled a worried Ziggy into my arms and consoled myself with his concerned attention. I had zero intention of working. I crumpled on the dusty floor and let the tears flow.
It took almost an hour for the sound of a vehicle to break through the quiet. A minute or so later, a car door slammed and the vehicle left again. Safe to return, I slunk back to the cottage and stood in the silence of the living room, feeling lost.
A muffled bang startled me from my misery.
I followed the sound and discovered four beer bottles in the freezer, two of which had exploded.
Thaddeus must’ve put them there to cool.
Something to go with the dinner he’d prepared, the casserole currently congealing on the cold cooktop.
I stared at the forsaken dinner for a long minute before closing the freezer door and emptying the food into the trash.
That done, I walked through the empty house with my stomach in my throat. Our—my bedroom was immaculate. Bed made. Clothes tidied away. New towels in the en suite. It was like Thaddeus had never been there. Never slept there. Never made love to me there.
In the guest room, I found the clothes I’d loaned him folded in a neat pile on the bed. The note on top read,
Ryder,
Thank you for everything. I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was all my fault.
Thaddeus.
I read and reread the note until the words blurred on the page. I grabbed a T-shirt from the top of the pile, pressed it to my nose, and sank to my knees.