Chapter 23
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THADDEUS
“Are you going to tell me what this is all about, or have I walked out on my date night with Lily only to be kept in the dark?” JB shadowed me into my apartment. “Because let me be clear, she’s not happy.”
I couldn’t answer him, struck silent by exactly how much had changed since the last time I’d left my apartment after my life had been turned upside down.
Since that day, I’d discovered things about myself I wasn’t proud of and some that I was.
I’d found I had more courage than I’d thought possible.
I’d met a man and fallen for him, maybe even begun to fall in love with him. And I’d fucked that up as well.
Was I feeling a tad sorry for myself? You bet your arse I was.
“Thad!” JB shook my shoulder. “Talk to me. What the hell were you doing all the way up there in that godforsaken forest? You hate the outdoors. You don’t even own a decent pair of walking boots, for fuck’s sake.”
I dropped my briefcase on the floor, collapsed into the nearest chair, and took a long look around. The apartment still reeked of Judd, who’d been responsible for almost all the interior design choices, even if I’d paid for them.
JB was right, of course. At least he was right about the Thad he’d known a few weeks ago. There was a lot of that guy still around, but there’d been some crucial changes as well.
“Grab a beer and get comfortable,” I told him. “It’s a long story.”
An hour later, JB was staring at me like I’d lost my freaking mind.
“You have got to be joking me,” he said, slowly shaking his head.
“Holy shit, Thad. You leave the city as New Zealand’s answer to Bill Gates and return three weeks later as some kind of environmental avenger?
” His face broke into a huge grin. “I fucking love it. Man, that deserves another beer or six.” He pushed out of his chair and headed for the kitchen.
I watched him go, a smile creeping over my face. “Glad you can find the humour in my tragedy,” I shot back. “Did you miss the part where I met a really nice guy and fucked the whole thing up?”
JB returned with a beer in each hand and handed me one. “I heard you. To be honest, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t fucked it up.” He slumped in his chair and held his bottle out for me to toast.
“And what exactly are we celebrating?” I asked, clinking bottles.
“Your possible salvation.” JB took a long guzzle of beer and fell back in his chair. He studied me over the bottle in his hands and said, “This could be the making of you.”
I groaned and flipped him off. “Your sympathetic bedside manner could do with a little work.”
He pressed the toe of his shoe to mine. “I’m sorry, but Jesus Christ, Thad, you’ve had your head up your arse the entire time I’ve known you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Did you miss the sympathy part of my last comment?”
He ignored me, his expression turning serious. “Look, I’m sorry about what happened, but if it’s made you rethink a few critical areas of your life, then I for one believe that’s a good thing.”
I sighed and took another swallow of beer. “Go on. Educate me. You’re going to anyway, so what the hell. Hit a man while he’s down, right?”
“Fucking drama queen,” he scolded. “But you know I’m right. The fact that I’m here in your apartment having this conversation with you, and not with Judd or Phillip, says everything I need to know about how good this could be for you. What the hell were you thinking, moving in with pasty face?”
I choked on my beer, spitting a mouthful down my shirt. I brushed at the wet patch, grumbling, “Pasty face? Really?”
JB harrumphed. “Judd’s a fucking idiot. Lily and I never understood what you saw in him other than he love-bombed you those first six months until you couldn’t think straight.”
I gave a derisive snort. “Yeah, well, that didn’t last long, did it?”
“It shouldn’t have lasted at all,” JB pressed, sounding angrier by the second. “He cut you off from me and you fucking let him. I’m still smarting about that, by the way, but that’s a conversation for another time.”
“Please,” I agreed. “I don’t have the energy for more self-flagellation. Just add it to the list.”
JB’s expression softened. “I’m sorry. But you were never going to be happy with Judd, and almost everyone saw it, except you.
He loved your success, your money, your looks, the freedom you gave him, and the fact that he could lead you around by your nose, because most of the time it was stuck to a screen and you had no idea what was happening around you. ”
I winced. “Gee, tell me what you really think.”
JB arched a brow.
“Fine,” I grumbled. “Go on.”
JB eyed me for a moment, then continued.
“Judd was dicking around on you with your best friend, who, by the way, is a top-class arsehole, for five months, Thad. Five months. Now, I’m not saying that you should’ve known, only that maybe you’d have picked up the odd clue if you’d been paying more attention and not laser-focused on your work to the exclusion of everything else.
You moved Judd in with you like he was the puzzle piece you were looking for to make your mum happy.
Then you left him to it and returned to your work like your mission was done. Tell me I’m wrong.”
I couldn’t, of course. I’d come to that same conclusion, and it wasn’t pretty.
“Yeah, I thought so.” JB sighed and twirled his bottle on the arm of the chair. “You know that I love your mum, right?”
I did know that, even if my mother wasn’t as fond of JB as she’d been of Phillip and Judd. Maybe that said a lot for her ability to read a man’s character. JB’s forthright manner played a role. He didn’t shower her with flattery like the other two had.
“If this is the part where you remind me that I can’t take responsibility for my mother’s ongoing disappointment, you needn’t bother. That ship sailed a long while ago.”
He regarded me with a level stare. “But has it, Thad? Has it really? Because if that’s true, then I’m wondering why the hell you’re back in this same place .
. . again. Wasn’t your desperation to make her proud part of why you ran away to start with?
So you didn’t have to face her? You still haven’t told her yet, have you?
” he pressed. “About Phillip, I mean. And I bet you haven’t told her about selling the company either. ”
Heat raced into my cheeks, and I couldn’t hold his gaze. “No. Not yet.”
JB sighed, regarding me like a wayward child.
“Yeah, I thought not. She called me the day before yesterday, when she couldn’t get anything from Phillip about where you’d gone.
It got me wondering why she’d be calling Phillip after what he’d done, until it hit me that you still hadn’t told her. Damn, Thad.”
“I know. I know.” I leaned forward and put my empty bottle on the coffee table. “It’s one of the first things I plan to do. You’ll be pleased to know there’s a list.”
“It better be a long one, because this whole fuckup has given you a chance to make some long-needed changes in your life and with the people close to you, including me. Don’t fucking screw it up.” He ended with a glare that pinned me to my seat.
“I won’t,” I promised.
JB rolled his eyes and got to his feet. When I joined him, I was pulled into a bear hug that took my breath away. When he finally let me go, he stepped back but kept his hands on my shoulders.
“I haven’t said anything about this guy you met—” JB’s gaze fixed on mine like he was willing me to pay attention.
“—but anyone who can do this to you in just a few weeks, who has you being honest with yourself for the first time in maybe fucking forever, that man isn’t someone you should just walk away from.
Not even if he pushed you away. The reasons he did that have to include how he feels about you.
He cares enough for you to hurt him. And you sure care about him, that’s for certain.
I’ve never seen you like this over a guy. ”
I couldn’t argue with that.
“So do what you can to unfuck this whole situation and then try and talk to him again.” He left his hands on my shoulders, waiting until I eventually nodded.
“Good boy.” He gave my cheek a couple of light slaps.
“And my work here is done. If I make it home before ten along with some of the best Thai takeout in Wellington, then Lily might actually invite me back into our bed.”
I thanked him once again for dropping everything to come and get me, and when he was gone, I stood like a zombie in the middle of my living room, hating everything I saw.
Memories of Judd were ingrained in every last piece of overpriced, uncomfortable furniture.
The place reeked of affluence, not home.
Home was a small cottage in the middle of a forest with faded, mismatched furnishings, unruly chickens, a dog called Ziggy, and a man who smelled of bacon and made my heart sing.
Just the thought made me want to call Ryder and beg to be forgiven.
Which I wasn’t about to do. For all that I hated how things had ended between us, I knew there were things I needed to do before attempting to contact Ryder was in any way feasible.
Ryder had been right to call a halt to things between us.
If he hadn’t, I wasn’t sure I would’ve felt determined enough to do what I was about to.
The gutted grief that had me in its grip was a necessary reminder of why things needed to change.
Why I needed to change. Whether I could actually do it was yet to be seen.
In the meantime, I didn’t deserve Ryder’s belief in me.
And more than anything, I wanted to. I wanted to be the man that he saw, and I was determined to make that happen.
Only then could I ask him to reconsider.
Still standing in the middle of the room, I thought about Phillip and almost smiled.
He would get the shock of his life when he opened the email I’d asked my lawyer to send.
It officially withdrew the previous contract buyout price and replaced it with a much higher one.
Much higher. After what Phillip had said at the cottage, I was over any lingering sense of obligation for what he’d contributed to the company.
He could get fucked, for all I cared. The issue might’ve been of my own making, but Phillip had cost me any chance to make it right with Ryder on my own terms.
And then there was my mother. God help me.
But dealing with all of that was all going to have to wait until I could actually breathe again without crying.
Until I’d put flesh on the kernel of an idea I’d had to try and redeem myself in Ryder’s eyes.
I’d thought about almost nothing else on the long drive back to Wellington, in between beating myself up and listening to JB’s godawful techno playlist.
I didn’t expect it to miraculously change anything between us, but I hoped it might at least let him see that I’d been serious about the changes I’d told him I wanted to make.
Only time would tell. In the meantime, I had a to-do list to begin ticking off, and cleaning the slate was an excellent way to start.
I scrolled up my Rolling Stones playlist, which I hadn’t listened to for years because Judd hated it, and cranked up the volume.
Then I grabbed my super-duper chef’s knife from the kitchen I barely used and set about shredding every piece of furnishing in the apartment that I could trace back to Judd, including the artwork he’d bought at some pretentious gallery on my credit card.
I left the bed untouched since it had come from my old flat but trashed ninety per cent of the linen cupboard, which hadn’t. I threw every 1,000 thread-count sheet and pillow slip into a pile by the front door and jumped on them like a crazy man.
To finish, I took photos of everything I’d done, sent them to Judd, and then blocked his number.
Exhausted, empty inside, and sweating like a pig, I slid to the floor, stopped fighting back the tears, and ugly cried to the accompaniment of The Rolling Stones singing, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”
No fucking kidding.