Chapter 19
The vote had barely ended before Theda's hands started shaking. She made it back to her wagon before anyone noticed. Setting her medicine satchel aside, she pressed both palms against the wagon box and stood there until the trembling eased.
A soft knock at the entrance of the wagon made her turn.
Della stood there, a sympathetic smile on her face.
"Well," Della said. “That was an interesting start to our day." Della leaned one shoulder against the wagon, folding her arms as she watched the camp. She didn't ask what was wrong. It was one of the things Theda appreciated most about her. After a moment, Theda spoke,
"Everything I know about Jem tells me he's a good man.
" She rubbed her thumb against the rim of the cup she grabbed from the wagon.
"I've watched him help people over and over again.
I've seen how he is with children." Her grip tightened slightly.
"But I can't stop thinking about what happened today.
" Della waited. "A man doesn't move like that because he got into a few fights growing up. "
"No," Della said quietly. "He doesn't."
Theda let out a breath. "So what does it mean? How can someone know how to do something like that and have no idea where it came from?" Theda thought of the many stories she'd heard about the Oregon Trail, and how dangerous it could be.
Jem wasn't dangerous, though.
"I don't know what it means." Della turned her head and studied her for a moment. "But I think I know what it means that you stood up for him."
Heat crept into Theda's face. She looked away.
"You're in love with him." Della smiled.
Theda stared out across the camp. A faint smile touched her mouth despite herself.
“ I…don't know what I am. I know I care about Jem.
We've spent a lot of time together, and I nursed him back to health.
But I don't know if I'm ready for everything that comes with a relationship, for one, with a man who doesn't remember who he was before. "
Della nodded, understanding on her features.
"Theda, I buried my husband out of nowhere.
One week, I was planning the rest of my life with him.
Next, I was choosing where to dig his grave.
" The humor faded from her expression. "You don't get guarantees.
" Della looked back toward the trail stretching west. "Not here.
Not anywhere. You may not feel ready, but perhaps your heart is ready and is trying to tell you something. "
Theda swallowed. There wasn't much to say after that. They stood together in companionable silence until the last of the trembling left her hands.
"I should go, but if you need anything at all, including staying over, let me know. I've missed you." Della smiled warmly.
Theda nodded.
“Thank you. I will.”
Leland found her an hour later while she was sorting supplies outside the wagon. She'd been expecting him. He must have been able to tell how she cared about Jem, and yet, he continued to try to cause problems whenever he could for Jem.
Leland stopped several feet away. Then, to her surprise, he removed his hat.
"I'm not here to argue." His tone was low and careful.
Theda looked up.
Leland’s jaw was tight, but the anger from earlier had faded. "All right." Leland turned the hat once in his hands. "What you said about Jem today came from a good place."
Theda waited.
"I'm not questioning your character. But your feelings for him are going to get you hurt. I don't know who that man is," Leland continued. " He doesn’t know either." His gaze held hers. "And that's the problem." Theda set down the bottle she was holding.
"You can't build a future on questions. Not to mention, what if you start to really care for Jem, and when he remembers who he is, it’s not someone you were expecting?”
For a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Leland drew a breath.
"When you're ready for a man who has nothing to hide, I'll still be here."
Theda felt a small ache somewhere beneath her ribs.
"Leland." She chose her words carefully. "I know you’re coming from a good place, and I also know that what you’re saying makes sense. But that doesn't mean I can change how I feel, or what I believe in.”
"I understand." Leland's tone told her that he didn't understand anything, but she couldn't call him back. Theda watched until he disappeared between the wagons before returning to her work.
The Crenshaw wagon sat close enough to the Calloways' that sounds carried easily between them. Theda was restacking jars of liniment when movement caught her eye. A head of light brown curls appeared around the rear corner of the Crenshaw wagon.
Caleb. The boy leaned farther around the edge, curiosity written plainly across his face as he peered at something hidden from her view.
Caleb gave a startled cry as someone hauled him out of sight.
Theda straightened. A moment later, Ansel Crenshaw appeared around the wagon, one hand wrapped firmly around his son's arm.
"I told you to stay away from there." Caleb stumbled as Ansel pulled him forward. "Papa, I was just…"
"I don't care." The sharpness of the reply cut the boy off immediately. Ansel's grip tightened. Caleb's eyes widened. For a moment, his face crumpled. But he didn't cry. Instead, he lowered his head and quietly walked away in search of his mother.
Theda frowned. After everything Jem did for the Crenshaw family, she'd expected a little more friendliness. Instead, Ansel was as cold and judgmental as everyone else after the whole altercation, and it seemed that it bled over to her as well by association.
She was surprised to see Verity Crenshaw headed over to her a little later in the afternoon, holding her wrist, a bright red burn on it.
“Good afternoon,” Verity said shyly. “I… was hoping you could take a look at this for me.” She held her wrist out. Theda didn’t hesitate.
"Of course. Come sit down." She patted one of the crates and went to get her supplies. Verity sat in silence for a long minute. Theda cleaned the irritated skin and worked a thin layer of calendula salve over the reddened patches while Verity sat quietly on an overturned crate.
"How's everyone holding up?" Theda asked.
"Fine." Verity shrugged.
Theda continued smoothing in the salve. A few moments passed.
"Ansel hasn't been sleeping much." Theda kept her attention on the wrist. "Lots of people aren't."
"He hasn't been sleeping inside." Something in Verity's tone made Theda glance up briefly. "He spends most nights outside now. He wouldn't let me wash the trunk lining with the rest of the laundry last week."
Theda's fingers paused briefly. "Said he'd take care of it himself." A small silence settled between them. "He still hasn't." Theda finished wrapping the bandage. "There." She tied it off. "Keep it clean and out of the sun for a few days."
Verity looked down at her wrist. Then up again. For a moment, she appeared almost surprised by her own words. "Thank you. I’m so sorry about what happened with Jem earlier.
“He was just trying to help. I think we've all gotten to know him, and that he is well-intended. I don't know why everyone turned on him so easily."
Theda studied her.
"Thank you for apologizing. I do understand why people are hesitant. I'm hesitant myself." Theda remembered how she noticed Jem's toned muscles and the way that he looked like he came from somewhere where he worked hard.
Had she overlooked something?
"I don't know why Ansel is so anxious and paranoid these days, but he is, and I think he's taking that out on you and Jem. I just wanted you to know that you won't get that treatment from me."
Theda smiled and patted the woman's arm.
"Thank you, Verity. I don't know Jem either, but I do believe he's good inside. It may be difficult, but we may all have to overlook whoever he was before and accept he's trying to be a part of this wagon train, and our company now."
Verity nodded and met Theda's gaze.
"If you need anything at all, please tell me.
" She stood abruptly and left. Theda remained seated for several seconds after she was gone.
She kept turning the interaction over and over in her head, till she decided to go to the one person she knew would have an idea of what to do.
Phineas. She found Phineas near the lead wagon, inspecting a hitch chain.
His expression was deep in thought, and he didn't hear her walk up.
She cleared her throat to get his attention, then said what she’d been thinking the whole walk over.
"Something's wrong with Ansel Crenshaw." She'd thought that it was odd to see Ans el act so strangely. But talking with Verity and getting confirmation, it was exactly what they needed, so they could figure out what was going on.
Phineas glanced over his shoulder.
"What's wrong?"
"I think Ansel is hiding something. Starting with the fact that he has no reason to be angry with Jem, and that he was rude to him this morning.
Then he didn't want Caleb around my wagon.
I have seen him be very worried about this chest he carries around.
" Theda shook her head. "Don't you think it sounds strange? " She paused to take a deep breath
By the time she finished, Phineas had straightened completely. "Theda, every man on this trail gets short-tempered now and then. I don't think it means that he is hiding something. You said yourself, Verity didn't seem frightened."
"No." Theda folded her arms. "She seemed careful, and she seemed worried."
That seemed to make Phineas pause.
"I'll keep an eye on him."
It isn’t enough.
“Maybe you should talk to him. Maybe you should find out what he is so worried about.” Theda hated to tell her brother how to do his job, but she felt strongly about it.