Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
Sadie
J ax has texted me every day this week. And he texted me every day last week too.
I’m doing my best to respond, but this is uncharted territory for me. He’s not texting because he wants a hookup. He’s texting because he wants a relationship.
I don’t know where this came from, but all of a sudden, it’s as if he actually cares about me and this baby. He wants to know how big the baby is, and he wants to see ultrasound pictures.
We had our anatomy scan last week, right before Christmas, and I purposefully didn’t tell Jax about it. Somehow, I knew that if I told him, he’d want to go. But if he went, that would mean Luke couldn’t. And Luke has been at every appointment. It didn’t seem fair to suddenly push him out for someone else.
That someone else being the baby’s father, but still.
I don’t know where Luke and I are, and I don’t know what this is between us. He cares about me, and he cares about the baby. And I can tell that he’s torn. But at the same time, this is so confusing for me.
It’s like he’s acting like the father that’s going to leave as soon as the baby is born. The father that doesn’t love either of us enough to stay. At times, I’m so angry at him for this.
But do I really want him to stay?
Jax is the one that I should want. So why do I feel myself constantly reaching for Luke?
We are having a great little fling, and the sex is amazing, but… We can’t seriously be together, can we?
I’m staring down at my phone as Luke and I meander through the grocery store together. The text from Jax is staring back up at me.
Let me take you out for New Year’s.
My gut twists with guilt. I want to say yes. I should try to make this work. Instead, I pocket my phone without responding.
Luke picks up a box of the same granola he eats every morning and tosses it into the cart. I reach for a box of Captain Crunch and do the same.
“Well, hello there,” a warm, feminine voice says from behind us. Luke and I spin around in surprise to find the hot English professor coming up to greet us.
Shit .
“You two grocery shopping together?” she asks as she glances back and forth between us.
“Uh…” Luke stammers. “Actually, I’m renting out a room to Sadie,” he says quietly as he glances around to make sure no one else can hear.
“Yeah!” I chime in. “He had a room pop up and I was getting some very life-changing news,” I say, as I rub my stomach. “And he sort of swooped in to save the day.”
“Don’t worry,” the hot teacher says as she touches his arm. “Your secret is safe with me. There’s nothing wrong with living in the same building with your professor.”
When her eyes glance back over to me, I sense something devious in her expression. And it has me clamming up .
“It’s actually kind of sweet,” she says as she looks at him.
We make small talk for a moment about the holidays and the start of next semester in a week. She keeps touching his arm like she did in the library, and I busy myself by looking around at the cereal aisle like a child.
“Do you have plans for New Year’s?” she says quietly as if to have a conversation without me in it. “A few of us will be going out and I was wondering if you would like to join us?”
The way she says that makes me feel as if it’s not “us” that she would like him to join, but really him. I’m tensing some more.
“I really appreciate the invitation,” he says in that formal way that Luke talks.
“You’re more than welcome to join,” she says to me. “Although it will be a group of professors so we might be a little more boring than you’re used to.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I say casually. “I appreciate the invite, though. Luke, you should go. Sounds like fun.”
I can see his throat move as he swallows. “Thanks, I’ll think about it,” he stammers.
“Of course, just text me.”
“Will do,” he says.
She moves to leave, giving us both a polite wave. “You two have a good day,” she says before turning away. Her eyes cascade over my face for a moment too long.
She reminds me of a wolf or a fox using intimidation as a hunting tactic.
Luke and I don’t say anything for a while as if it’s not safe. It’s not until we get in the car that I turn to him and say, “You should go.”
He glances my way with his brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m saying that you should go out with her for New Year’s.”
“Why would I do that?” he asks.
“Because,” I reply, “for one, it would ease some suspicion off you and me. I can’t help but feel as if, if you don’ t go, she’s going to assume that you and I have more than a roommate relationship. But if you do go and, I don’t know, flirt with her a little, maybe even kiss her at midnight, then maybe she’ll be convinced that there’s nothing going on between us.”
His hand squeezes the steering wheel as if he’s uncomfortable. “I don’t want to go,” he says in that cool, demanding tone of his.
I cross my arms over my chest and turn away. He senses the change in my tone. When we get back home and unload the groceries, he keeps eyeing me as if to watch my behavior. It makes me feel like a petulant child, but right now I am being a petulant child because I’m frustrated and I’m angry and I’m not getting what I want.
Turning toward me, his demeanor changes as he takes on that dominant, disciplinarian tone. “Miss Green,” he says in warning, “why are you pouting?”
“I don’t want to do this right now,” I mutter as I turn away from him. He grabs my arm to pull me toward him. “Luke,” I say.
I purposefully address him as Luke instead of Dr. Goode to identify that I’m not in the mood to play.
“I’m serious,” I say, my tone biting. “You should go out with her.”
“What is this about?” he asks as his expression softens.
“What are we? What are we doing? You say that you want to spend New Year’s with me, and we have sex and we grocery shop together. And it’s like we have this relationship, but we’re not in a relationship.
“And you’re about to leave, and I’m about to have a baby, and everything we’re doing has this expiration date. And I don’t understand. I like it, but at the same time, I don’t like it. And?—”
“Okay, okay, okay, calm down,” he says, putting his hands on my arms. Immediately, I push him away.
“Don’t tell me to calm down.”
He looks remorseful as he drops his hands by his sides and steps away. “Sadie, there’s a reason that we are not in a relationship. And that’s because I can’t be in a relationship. I am not good at this. I don’t know how to tell you what you want to hear. I don’t know how to give you what you want. I cannot be the man that you want me to be. So, yes, we are just having fun.
“And I’ll be honest, I don’t know what we’re doing either, but I know that I like it. But if you don’t, then we can stop.”
I don’t want to stop.
But I don’t say it out loud. What is the point? He’s right. We have no future. Even if he wasn’t leaving, Luke doesn’t want a wife or a child. He can never give me what I want.
“I think you should go out with her,” I say, my tone defeated and exhausted.
“What about you?” he asks.
“I’ll be fine,” I reply.
None of this feels right. I hate the look on his face. The sadness in his mannerisms. I miss the us we were before this fight. This…indescribable, uncategorizable version of a relationship that isn’t labeled or serious, but just us .
With that, I walk away, and I feel his eyes on me as I go.
When the night of New Year’s Eve rolls around, I watch Luke get dressed. I smell his cologne wafting from his bedroom. And as much as it hurts, I know this is the right thing.
As he walks out into the living room in a pair of tight black pants and a gray button-down shirt, looking so good, I consider changing my mind on this entire thing. Maybe I should tell him to stay.
I bet if I asked him, he would. If I told him to curl up on the couch with me so we could watch a movie and eventually get each other off with our mouths, he would definitely take the bait.
But that’s not what either of us needs. What we need is some distance and some time to reflect on what it is we’re doing.
“Be safe,” I say as he grabs his keys from the dish by the door.
“Are you sure you’re okay just staying home?” he asks.
I give him a thumbs-up because I don’t trust my voice not to crack if I speak. He lets out a deep sigh as he turns and moves toward the door. I’m buried under blankets on the couch, deep into my one-thousandth watch of 10 Things I Hate About You , when I get a text message on my phone. It vibrates in my lap and I pick it up to see it’s from Jax.
I get that tiny little spark of excitement before I hit the button to open the text.
Come out with me tonight.
It’s not a request. It’s not an invitation. It’s a command. And as it turns out, I kind of like commands. Which makes me wonder that if I say no, will Jax put me over his knee and spank me?
The image is immediately repulsive, as if completely unnatural, and I don’t like it. So, I file that thought away before replying.
Well, where are you?
He types back immediately as the bubbles pop up on the screen, and a moment later, the message comes through.
Out with a couple of friends. It’s a pretty chill bar. Nothing like the club that night.
I don’t know if Jax could sense how much I disliked that club that night, but I appreciate the fact that he knows I didn’t like it.
I don’t want to impose if you’re out with your friends.
Which is true. I don’t want to go out with Jax if he’s going to give his attention to someone else. I want to go out with him to be with him, and I want his attention on me, and I don’t think that’s asking for too much.
He replies immediately again.
I lied. I’m here alone, and I just want to see you.
As I stare at those words, my stomach twisting with something I don’t recognize, I quickly type back.
I’m on my way. Send me your location.
In a rush, I get dressed and bolt out the door.
As I walk into the bar, which is obviously packed because it’s New Year’s Eve, I find Jax waving at me from a bar table at the back. I weave through the crowd to take the seat next to him, but before I can sit down, he hoists me into his arms. He squeezes me in a tight bear hug as he mumbles in my ear, “I’m so glad you came.”
After releasing me from the embrace, he looks down at my stomach and puts his hands over the small mound of my belly.
“Oh my god, look at how big you’re getting,” he says. I wince before he quickly corrects himself. “I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. You look beautiful.”
“It’s okay. I know what you meant. And yeah, it’s getting kind of big.”
“Shit, how much longer do we have?” he asks.
The word “we” in that sentence sends a chill down my spine. “Well, about halfway, actually,” I say. “About four and a half months to go.”
“God, it feels like forever,” he says as he takes a seat at the table. He lifts a brown bottle of beer to his lips as he waits for my response.
“Yeah,” I reply on a sigh. “Actually, it feels like it’s flying by. Four and a half months doesn’t feel long enough.”
“Are you nervous?” he asks.
“Um,” I reply, “not really. I’m actually kind of excited.”
“Yeah, me too,” he says. “Fuck, I’ve never been around kids. I haven’t seen a baby in I don’t even know how long.” He laughs .
I chuckle awkwardly. “I’m sure a lot of it will come naturally.”
“For you, maybe,” he says. A few minutes later, a waitress comes by to bring me some water. I order a Shirley Temple and Jax and I struggle our way through some pretty awkward small talk.
During the entire encounter, I can’t stop thinking about Luke. I’m wondering where he is. Is he with her? Will he kiss her at midnight? Will he come home to me? He wouldn’t bring her home, but would he go to her house?
This is just how badly he’s gotten into my head. I’m here with Jax, the man of my dreams, the guy I crushed so hard over for months, and whose baby I’m about to have by some miracle. And I can’t stop thinking about my grumpy, possessive English teacher.
What on earth have I gotten myself into?
Jax tells me all about how he’s trying to expand his business from FanVids to “real porn,” as he calls it. But he doesn’t want to be written off as some porn star. He wants to be next level .
Although I don’t really understand anything that he’s saying, I do my best. I try to write off the fact that some of his comments are a little problematic by telling myself that he just doesn’t know any better and he means well. But the way he talks about sex work is sort of demeaning and disappointing.
He continues to get drunk while I am painfully sober. And it’s only ten thirty. I start to make a plan for how I’m going to sneak my way out of this date before twelve because there’s no chance I’ll be here at the stroke of midnight.
When I get up from our table to go use the bathroom, it’s on my way back that I hear a very familiar voice from near the bar. I stop in my tracks as I stare at the tall, blonde, beautiful woman with her hand resting on Luke’s arm. He says something that makes her laugh, so she throws her head back and cackles loudly.
I watch her nails dig into the gray fabric of his shirt as she squeezes his arm. Everything in me tenses when he smiles at her. The way they’re standing so close, the way they’re looking at each other, the way she leans in to hear what he’s saying—it all stabs relentlessly at my heart.
I need to get out of here.
It’s the first thought in my head. I can’t be here to witness this. I’d rather be home.
The old me would have used this as fuel to throw myself at Jax. I’d make sure Luke was around to watch me kissing Jax at midnight. I’d make sure that he saw me just to make him feel the way he’s making me feel right now.
But I’m not out for revenge. Right now, I’m just trying to breathe through how painful this feels.
Then the tall blonde looks right at me. Quickly, I avert my gaze and make my way over to Jax.
Except there are two girls sitting in my seat. They are sharing my one barstool with their two tiny asses. They’re young and beautiful, and they’re flirting with him. Oohing and aahing over his muscles and his dimples and his bright smile and how tall he is.
“Sadie,” a voice from behind me gets my attention as I turn to find Luke staring at me.
Immediately, I try to discern which version of Luke I’m getting right now. Is it my friend who often shows concern and can laugh with me? Or is it the stern, broody professor who likes to find reasons to discipline me?
“What are you doing here?” he asks. And the inflection in his tone tells me that it’s the former, but I’m not exactly sure which one I was hoping for.
Maybe I wanted the Dominant to bend me over this barstool and spank me to make me feel better.
I point behind me, where Jax is still talking to the two young women. “He invited me out for a drink,” I say. “I had no idea you were here.”
He glances behind me to see Jax, and I watch his expression change. His brow furrows, his mouth tenses, his jaw clicks.
The tall blonde comes up behind Luke, resting her hand on his shoulder almost possessively, and I resist the urge to lash out and bite her.
“Oh, hey,” Jax says as if he just noticed I’m giving my attention to someone else. His hand rests on my hip, and he tugs me toward him so the four of us are all just staring at each other. The two girls are gone, so Jax casually invites Luke and the hot English teacher, whose name I still don’t know, to join us.
I grimace internally.
This is going to be a disaster.