Chapter 30
Thirty
Lucas
I ’m fuming, and I have absolutely no right to be.
She’s out with him again . But what did I expect? For her to sit at home alone while I was on a date with another woman? Although I don’t know if I would call what Laura and I were doing tonight a date.
The more I get to know Dr. Hanson, the more I realize she’s competitive, arrogant, and a bit self-absorbed. She constantly tried to one-up me on everything I said. She used every opportunity she had to talk about Sadie, and not in a nice way. She clearly doesn’t approve of our relationship. And I know deep down she senses it’s more than just Sadie living with me.
But I think because of her competitive nature, she’s trying to steal me from her. It’s not flattering, and I don’t like it.
Now, the four of us are sitting at a bar-top table on New Year’s Eve, and I can’t take my eyes off Sadie.
“So, Jax, what do you do?” Laura asks from beside me. Sadie stiffens as Jax smiles widely.
“I’m actually an adult film star,” he says.
I can see Laura’s jaw drop in my periphery as Sadie takes a sip of her little red drink, her eyes averted to the side.
“Interesting,” Laura replies.
“Yeah,” Jax says smugly. “I’m actually on FanVids at the moment, but I was just telling Sadie that I’m hoping to move to directed productions soon.”
The table grows silent as we all avoid eye contact.
“It’s okay,” Jax says, trying to break the tension. “I know it’s kind of a unique job, but I like it.”
“That’s great. Congratulations,” Laura says. “And what about you, Miss Green?” she says, turning toward Sadie.
“Oh, she owns a sex club,” Jax says, and I wince inwardly as Sadie slaps his arm.
“I don’t own a club. I manage a club.”
“But you want to open one someday,” I say, my eyes focused on her. “Isn’t that right?”
As our gazes meet, the connection fiery and intense, she nods. “Yes, that is why I’m getting a business degree. Because someday I’d like to start my own.”
“That is incredible,” Laura says.
“And you’re both professors,” Jax replies.
“Yes,” I mutter in response.
“And Sadie here is one of Dr. Goode’s star pupils,” Laura says, and I breathe out a breath of frustration.
I need another drink.
By some miracle, the waitress happens to walk by, and I tap her on the arm to order two shots of Jameson and two beers.
“Oh, I don’t like beer,” Laura says, but I quickly shake my head.
“Oh, those are both for me.”
This gets a laugh from the table. Jax puts in his order, as does Laura, while Sadie continues to sip on her nonalcoholic drink.
“Is that true?” Jax asks. “Is Sadie one of your students?”
“Actually, yes,” I reply confidently. “She is. She’s probably the brightest student I’ve ever had.” I make sure to look her in the eye as I say this.
“Stop it,” she replies, rolling her eyes.
“I’m being serious,” I say. “Her writing is intelligent and thought-provoking. It’s as if she takes the topic that I assign and completely flips it inside out. She thinks like no one else I know. She’s changed my mind on literary topics so many times now I’ve lost count. And it’s not just how well she writes, but it’s also how interesting and creative her writing is. Everything she does is so…refreshing.”
Laura is smirking beside me as Jax’s jaw hangs open. But it’s Sadie’s expression that I’m focused on. The softness in her eyes, the warmth in her expression. She loves being praised, and I’m not just doing it to make her feel better. Every word I just said is true. She’s brilliant and fearless, and I don’t think she knows that. But God, I wish she did. And if I have to, I’ll spend the rest of my life telling her until she finally gets it.
“Damn,” Jax says. “I’m having a baby with a genius.”
“I am not a genius,” Sadie snaps back.
“Yes, you are,” I mumble.
“You know,” Laura says on my side, “I believe that the grant we were talking about would apply to minor degrees. You know, it’s not too late to make business a major and English a minor. It would qualify you for that grant.”
“I’m not applying for that grant,” Sadie says, averting her gaze. I drop the subject, not wanting to pressure her too much, especially in front of everybody else, but Laura has a great point.
As the table falls into casual conversation and we’ve all guzzled down our drinks far too quickly, we order another. Suddenly, everyone seems to be feeling lighter and more comfortable.
Jax and Laura are having a side conversation next to us as Sadie and I sit together, staring at each other in silence. I wonder if she can feel how much more chemistry she and I have than her and Jax or me and Laura. I wonder if everyone can tell. Is it just the unspoken thing that nobody is acknowledging ?
“So wait, you two live together, and he’s your professor? Is that allowed?” Jax asks.
“Technically, I don’t even know,” Sadie says. “But honestly, he’s a terrible roommate anyway.”
“Excuse me?” I reply, gawking at her in surprise. “ I’m the terrible roommate?”
“Yes,” she boasts. “He is so picky about where you put your shoes after you take them off. So I purposely just kick them in the corner just to piss him off.”
“I knew it!” The table breaks out in laughter as Sadie rolls her eyes.
“You can’t have dirty dishes in the sink overnight,” she continues. “You have to wash them immediately after you use them or load them in the dishwasher. And as soon as the dishwasher is done cleaning, you have to empty it immediately.”
“You’re joking,” Laura says as we all laugh again.
“What? I like to keep a clean house,” I argue.
“It’s ridiculous,” Sadie laughs.
“Me? What about the fact that you are constantly singing, even if there’s no music playing, just constantly humming a tune or singing a song for no reason in every room of my house at all hours?” I reply with a smile.
Suddenly Sadie is grinning from ear to ear as she tries to hide her smile. But I continue on.
“Whatever, you listen to boring music,” she argues playfully.
“Jazz is not boring,” I say.
“Well, you have a drawer in your kitchen just for takeout menus. Like seriously, they’re all on the internet now. Why do you need those?”
“Well, you dance while you eat,” I say, with a grin on my face. She throws her head back and laughs.
“How does that make me a bad roommate? That’s not annoying. It’s adorable,” she says.
It is adorable .
But I don’t say it out loud .
“Okay, so she’s not the worst roommate,” I say, glancing up at the two other people at our table. Laura and Jax have both lost their wide smiles, and they’re sort of staring at us as if they can tell something that we can’t.
I realize all of a sudden that I’m a little drunk, and the music feels louder. The bar is ridiculously crowded, and while Jax and Laura break off in their own conversation again, I find myself reaching for Sadie to pull her toward the dance floor. She grinds her feet into the floor to stop me.
“We can’t,” she says under her breath.
“Why not?” I ask.
“Because you’re here with someone else, and so am I,” she says.
“Then let’s leave them,” I mutter under my breath.
She rolls her eyes. “Luke, stop it.”
“You don’t want to dance with me?” I reply.
“No,” she replies, pressing a finger against my chest. “I do want to dance with you. That’s the problem. I want to dance with you, and I want to kiss you at midnight, and I want you to take me home, and I want to have loud, wild sex, and then I want to sleep in your bed, and I want you to hold me all night.”
“I will do all of those things,” I reply.
“Even kiss me at midnight?” she whispers.
“Yeah,” I reply, even though I’m drunk, and we both know it, and promises made when intoxicated aren’t really promises at all. She seems to stare at my face for a moment, her eyes drifting down to my lips before back up to my eyes. And I think she’s going to kiss me, but she shakes her head instead.
“No, Lucas, we can’t keep doing this.”
With that, she lets go of my fingers and moves toward Jax, who is still talking to Laura. If I wasn’t so numb from the alcohol, I’m quite certain this would hurt a lot.
Then, a few moments later, when the countdown begins, she’s staring at me. The crowd around us is raucous and loud, moving like they’re stuck in slow motion .
I hear every number of the countdown like a shot. And when the clock strikes midnight, everyone shouts, “Happy New Year.”
I watch with an ache in my heart as she turns her head from me and looks up at Jax. He leans down and presses his lips to hers.
I can’t tear my eyes away.
“Happy New Year,” a soft voice whispers in my ear. I turn my head to find Laura standing next to me. She slings her arms around my neck and kisses me hard on the lips.
I am a coward. I’m nothing more than an asshole with commitment issues. I have been dragging Sadie around for months. Then I dragged this woman out tonight and convinced her, for a moment, that there could be a future between us.
But the truth is, I have a future with no one.
This is just what I do. I break hearts. I have no consideration for other people’s feelings or emotions. I bring people close to me long enough to let them believe a lie, and then I tear it all away. I’ve never realized it until now when I’m about to break the most important heart of all.
“Happy New Year,” I mutter sadly.
“You want to get out of here?” Laura whispers in my ear.
I couldn’t leave with her if I tried. Even if I had my brain convinced that sleeping with someone else would be a good idea, there’s no chance I could get my body on board with that.
Sadie has ruined me. There’s no one else I want to touch, no one else I want to see naked and waiting for me, no one else I want to make moan and whimper and cry sounds of pleasure.
“I’m sorry, but I’m a little too drunk,” I say, which is a cop-out excuse. “I think I’m going to grab a cab home.”
“I understand.” Laura nods. “Well, I had fun tonight.”
“Yeah, me too,” I say.
“Congratulations again on getting into the Stratford Project. Maybe if we convince Sadie to change her major, she’ll be my student in the future.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I say with a fake chuckle.
As I turn toward Sadie, my heart nearly stops in my chest. I grow cold as I watch Jax continue to kiss her. It’s not a New Year’s kiss. His tongue is in her mouth. His lips are on hers. His hands are roaming her side and her back. His body is pressed against hers, and their heads are tilted, their mouths never breaking apart as they devour each other.
Suddenly, I feel as if I’m going to be sick. I mutter a clumsy goodbye to Laura as I bolt for the door, sucking in cold, fresh air once I’m outside.
This is what she wanted all along. She wants him because he is right for her. He’s the father of her child. He’s not leaving or putting his job before her.
I should be happy for her. And yet, I’m stumbling into a cab by myself instead. Not even the alcohol is strong enough to dull the shattering pain of my heart.
I stare out the window of the cab on my way home, trying to convince myself that this shouldn’t hurt. I shouldn’t be in any pain. That kiss means nothing. She means nothing. She’s a student, a roommate, a friend, a fling even. I don’t have feelings for her, and I’m certainly not falling in love with her.
I keep trying to convince myself, but of course, none of it rings true.