Chapter 34
Thirty-Four
Lucas
I t wasn’t fucking in our classroom.
And it wasn’t me jacking off in the library.
It wasn’t me spanking her over the desk.
It was fucking carpooling.
That’s what tipped off the dean’s office to our inappropriate relationship. Carpooling.
Sadie sits beside me in the chair of the office as we stare at a photo of us getting out of a car together in the student parking lot.
At the moment, my mind is frazzled, and I’m thinking of all of the things this fucking ruins. My job, my eligibility into the program, and Sadie’s education. I can practically feel her fear radiating from her skin. I want to reach over and hold her hand, touch her back, hug her against me, and tell her everything is going to be okay.
“Dr. Goode, do you understand that this footage of you and one of your students was found on our security cameras? You understand that any physical and intimate relationship with your student is strictly forbidden at this university, don’t you? ”
“I understand,” I reply flatly.
“I’m asking you now,” he says, placing his hands on his desk. “Has there been an intimate and physical relationship between you and Miss Green?”
“No, sir,” I answer emphatically, staring him in the eye. To my left, I feel Sadie’s gaze shoot my way. He turns toward her.
“Ms. Green, has there been an intimate and physical relationship between you and Dr. Goode?”
She swallows and hesitates, her lips parting, and I watch.
“You understand you’ll be questioned separately, but considering the nature of these accusations, I thought it best to bring you both in. I’m asking you both to be honest, but as you know, this could jeopardize your position here at the university.”
“I understand,” I mutter.
“Ms. Green, have you had an intimate relationship with Dr. Goode?” I watch the light die from her eyes as she stares at the floor.
“No, sir,” she says.
“And I understand that you are currently pregnant?” he asks, his eyes glancing uncomfortably down to her stomach.
Softly, she nods as if she’s ashamed, and it makes my blood boil.
“Then I assume this child is not Dr. Goode’s?”
How could he accuse her of secretly carrying her professor’s baby? The audacity.
“Correct,” I say before she has a chance to respond. “It’s not mine.”
Sadie’s shoulders slump away from her ears as she stares at the floor.
“Is that true, Ms. Green?”
“Will you please leave her alone?” I argue. “She’s done nothing wrong.”
She nods despondently anyway.
I can’t help but feel as if I’m doing something wrong, but I’m trying to save her education and my career. Why do I feel like shit doing it?
That’s not a lie; the baby isn’t mine, and all we have to do is deny that we’ve had sex, and we’ll be fine.
“I simply give Sadie a ride sometimes to campus. She’s a family friend of ours, so we know each other from outside the classroom,” I explain.
“I understand,” the dean replies with a nod. “Ms. Green, do you have anything to add to this?”
She glances up from the floor and stares at his face a moment before turning toward me. Her gaze is piercing, and I feel it deep in my core.
“No,” she replies without tearing her eyes away, making me feel about three inches tall.
And suddenly, I realize it. I’m a coward.
“Well, I’m relieved,” the dean says as he sits back in his chair. “Dr. Goode, the university is very proud to have you on staff and thrilled about the work you’ll be doing with the Stratford Project later this year. We would hate to lose you, so we appreciate your honesty in this matter.
“And, Ms. Green, I apologize for having to bring you in and putting you in this situation. Please accept my sincerest apologies.”
Sadie nods softly before standing from her chair and bolting toward the door. It takes everything in me not to rush after her. Instead, I stand up and shake the dean’s hand before saying my goodbyes and leaving his office.
Sadie is practically running. I have another class to attend today, but I need to see her first. I need to speak to her.
“Sadie, wait,” I call when we reach the parking lot. She doesn’t turn back. She doesn’t respond. She’s just marching angrily toward her car.
“Miss Green, stop!” I shout, but she doesn’t listen. She gets to her car and tears open the door, and when she turns back to get in, I notice the tears streaking across her face .
“Sadie,” I call with alarm.
Before she can slam the door on me, I grab it to keep it open.
“Leave me alone, Luke,” she cries.
“What’s wrong? Everything worked out fine. We got out of it.”
“Oh, yes. Thank God for you, right? Thank God you still have your job.” Her tone is laced with bitterness and rage.
“What?” I reply in shock.
“Since I know that is the most important thing to you, right, Luke?”
“Sadie,” I say, “I need my job.”
She bursts out of the car and stands chest to chest with me as she shouts.
“This isn’t about needing your job, and you know it. This is about you thinking that you need your job. Because it is the most important thing in the world to you, right? It is the number one priority. Your job, your work, this program, how special it’ll be, how you were made for this, and so much more, right? I was a fool for ever thinking that I could be one of your priorities ranked anywhere near the top. You’re right, Luke. You lied to the dean, and you told him I meant nothing to you, and that was exactly what you had to do to keep your job.
“But you know, it made me realize something. It made me realize that I will never be everything to you. I will always come in second. I will always be the runner-up, and I deserve so much more. You can’t even deny it because you know that it’s true.”
I’m staring at her dumbly, my mouth hanging open with no response. Probably because she’s right.
“You think this is what I wanted? I told you I didn’t want to be in a relationship, Sadie. I told you I couldn’t be the man you needed,” I argue, which was the wrong thing to say. She throws up her arms and rolls her eyes.
“No, Luke, I get it. You’ve told me before. You never wanted me. You never meant to fall in love with me. Being so in love with me is just a huge problem for you, right? Well, how about this? How about I just make this so much easier for you? I won’t be a problem anymore. How about that?”
“Sadie, please,” I beg. The panic building inside me has me suddenly not caring that we’re in a public place and people are watching. Suddenly, I don’t give a shit about that. “That’s not what I meant,” I say.
“I don’t care what you meant, Luke. You didn’t mean any of it, right? You didn’t mean to fall in love. You didn’t mean for this to happen. You just wanted to work and fuck and go to England and be in your stupid project, right? You were never gonna put me first. You were never gonna sacrifice your work or this program for me. Meanwhile, here I am, in love with you, ready to give you everything. But all you were going to give me was a sliver.”
“Sadie, stop,” I say, feeling frantic and desperate. The words coming from her mouth terrify me.
“You tell me that I deserve so much more, but you were never going to give me everything, were you?” Her voice cracks and I have no response as the words trail, unfinished. “But this is what you do, Luke. You don’t realize this power you have. You let women fall in love with you just so you can run away and break our hearts. You did try to warn me.”
“Sadie,” I whisper pleadingly, “I’ll give you everything. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah?” she asks, more tears streaming down her face. “Okay, prove it. Prove you’ll give me everything.”
But I don’t move. I can’t. I’m a coward.
“It’s fine, Luke. It’s okay to be married to your job. It’s okay to want more from your life than raising someone else’s baby. But next time you take in someone, offering to help make their life better, do not let that person fall in love with you. Do not do to somebody else what you’ve done to me.”
“Can we please just talk about this when I get home?” I ask, reaching for her as she pulls away.
“I won’t be there, Luke.”
“What?” I ask .
“I’m moving out. This is over.”
“Stop being so rash. This is ridiculous,” I say.
“Is it? You’re leaving anyway, right? What difference does it make? Why not just tear this Band-Aid off now before you’re not just breaking my heart?” As she touches her stomach, she adds, “And his too.”
I stand numbly as she climbs into her car and slams the door. Even as she pulls away and speeds out of the parking lot, I can’t move. I feel paralyzed. I feel numb.
And I realize…this is what heartbreak feels like.