Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
Sadie
I t doesn’t take me long to pack up my things. I didn’t bring much, but as I glance around the house with my bags at my feet, I realize how much I accumulated. Memories. Lessons. Love.
These are the things I wish I could leave behind, but they’re coming with me whether I like it or not.
While I’m packing, my anger subsides and is replaced with grief. I’m not angry at Lucas for lying to the dean and protecting his career. It was never about that. It was about always putting his career first, and that isn’t his fault—it’s mine.
Because I knew. He did try to warn me. He made it clear from the start that he would never have a wife or family because he would always put his work first. I was just the fool who thought I could change him. I thought I could be the exception.
As it turns out, neither of us have changed at all—he’s still Dr. Goode and I’m still the fool who finds love in all the wrong places. Idiotic Miss Green.
When the door flies open, I scream and turn to find Lucas frantically rushing in. He’s disheveled and worked up, his eyes wide with shock as he marches toward me with his hands up in surrender.
“Sadie, please,” he begs, his gaze flashing downward toward the bags at my feet. “Don’t be so impulsive. We can work this out.”
“How, Luke? You’re moving to England and I’m having a baby. We both have bigger priorities than each other.”
“That’s not true,” he argues.
“Yes, it is,” I reply. “It was a fling, Luke.”
“No, it wasn’t,” he barks as if I’ve just offended him. Stepping toward me, he takes my hands and stares into my eyes. I’ve never seen him look so scared and broken. He’s always Mr. Composed and Confident.
And for a moment, I consider listening. I could just nod my head and agree that we could work it out even though I know that we won’t. I could let him put his arms around me and kiss me and it would feel so, so good, but for how long? Until May, when I’m laboring alone, and he’s off in another country living his dreams?
I pull my hands away and take a step back. My eyes are raw with tears as I stare at him.
“I asked you to help me get my life together. To help me make better decisions, and you did exactly what you were supposed to.”
His shoulders melt downward, the look on his face despondent and grief-stricken. Because he knows I’m right.
This is the right decision, and for once, I’m the one making it.
“I have to go,” I whisper.
“Where?” he asks. “Let me at least get you a place. I’ll find you somewhere to rent, and I’ll pay.”
I shake my head. “I need to do this on my own.”
Picking up my bag, I sling it over my shoulder and walk toward the door. I feel Lucas’s eyes on me the entire way, but I fight the urge to turn around. I’m afraid if I look back, I’ll never leave.
My mother is taking my return with more sympathy and compassion than I expected. I really thought I was going to return to a whole lot more I told you so than I did.
Instead, she wrapped her arms around me and just let me cry into her shoulder. Then she brought me into the kitchen and sat me at the table to make my favorite comfort food—grilled cheese and tomato soup straight from the can.
“You ready to talk about it?” she asks as she takes a seat at the table across from me.
“I told you,” I reply. “Luke and I just didn’t get along. We’re too different to live together.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday, Sadie. It was more than living together.”
I glance up from my soup as I stare at her in surprise. Before I can respond, she continues.
“I saw the way he looked at you at Thanksgiving. If you really were just friends, he wanted to be far more.”
Looking back down, I swallow the emotion building in my throat. “Well, unfortunately, he doesn’t have room in his life for anything more than friends. He wasn’t willing to put me above his work.”
“So you left him?” She sounds surprised, and I’m ready to defend my actions and explain why I wouldn’t settle for less when a smile splits across her face.
Hesitantly, I nod. “Yeah. I didn’t want to be second best.”
My mom reaches over and places her hand on mine. “That’s my girl.”
I stare at her, stunned for a moment. “You’re not disappointed?”
“Disappointed? Honey, I’m proud . You should be the top priority.”
At that, I can’t help but scoff and pull my hand away .
“What?” she asks.
I can’t bear to look her in the eye as I mindlessly stir my soup. “It’s just…” The words get caught in my throat, unable to come out. So I have to force myself to say what I’ve always wanted to say. “You and Dad always put Jonah first. I always felt like second best.”
My mother gasps. “Sadie June Green, is that really what you think?”
“It’s how I felt,” I reply, looking into her eyes.
“Honey, I’m so sorry we made you feel that way.” Tears well in her eyes as she reaches a hand toward me again. “You were never second best to anyone. You were our first baby. Our beautiful, headstrong, funny little girl. And when your brother came along, we loved you both equally. I’m sorry if sometimes it felt like we celebrated Jonah’s accomplishments more. That was wrong of us. The worst thing about parents is that we’re people too.
“You’ll learn this soon, but we mess up sometimes. We do the wrong thing, and most of the time we don’t know it was the wrong thing until it’s too late. We try not to mess our kids up, and in some way, we always fail. But no matter what, we always love. That’s the easy part.”
A tear slips over my lips as my hand goes to my stomach. She seems to notice because she grabs a tissue from the table and brings it to me, crouching down in front of me. As she wipes my tears, she places a kiss on my forehead.
“I’m so sorry, Sadie. I couldn’t be more proud of who you’ve become. And I know you’re going to be such a fantastic mother.”
I wrap my arms around my mom’s neck and hug her tight. She squeezes me back and it feels like the first real hug we’ve had since I was a kid.
After lunch, I go into my room and lie on my bed. But it doesn’t feel like mine anymore.
As I lie here, I think about what my mom said. There are probably a lot of ways I’m going to mess this up, but one thing is for sure. This baby will never doubt my love a day in his life.