Chapter 31
Sadie
After running a couple of blocks, I slow to a walk farther up Water Street.
I hate lies. Was I so desperate? Yeah, I guess I was.
I can still pull up the feeling now. But perhaps I could have come clean, asked them to test my skills, then worked my way up to a full programmer role.
I wonder when Jane told him. When he went to help her?
My cheeks burn. That’s why he was a bit odd last night and this morning; he knew he was meeting with Jo and Priya to work out their legal position. Christ.
My throat tightens. James was avoiding me, wasn’t he?
Not only have I lied at work, but I’ve also told Jane he tried to jump off their roof.
Something he told no one, and particularly not her.
I wormed my way into his life and his trust, thinking I was his friend and then more, and I’ve taken his faith in me and scorched it to the ground, right after another woman did the exact same thing. He must be cursing my name.
Well, I can’t stay in Des’s apartment now.
James is far too nice to ask me to leave.
He’ll be measured, reassuring, and understanding.
Maybe he’ll even help me find another job, one more suited to someone with no qualifications.
He’s that kind of guy. But there’ll be no relationship, no more bike rides or cozy nights watching the baking show.
The queen falls to her knees in the dirt next to her knight, the wound in her chest gaping and bleeding. His face is cold and gray, still in death.
As I cut across the cobbles and past the huge development that’s taking up the block down from the apartment, I gaze up the street. Someone is sitting on the doorstep of Des’s building. I slow down. As I draw closer, I recognize the patterned shirt.
“Mom?”
Her head jerks up.
“What are you doing here?” I look at my watch. “Why aren’t you at work?”
A tatty duffel bag like my own is resting beside her on the stoop.
I glance at the doors behind her.
“That chatty fella in there tried to persuade me to sit in the lobby, but it’s all too fancy in there for me.” She waves a hand behind her, then squints up at me in the afternoon sunshine. “I left Jake,” she says.
My heart takes off like a rabbit out of a trap. I sink next to her on the step and pull her into a hug. “Jesus, Mom, are you okay?”
She huffs into my ear, and I lean back, smiling.
“Been with him a long time. But when he did that to you ...” She trails off.
“I swear to God, Mom, you made the right decision.”
“If you can fight for a better life,” she says, “then maybe I can, too.”
Well … I’m not exactly a shining example, am I? But I can’t tell her that right now. “Of course you can, Mom. I can help.”
Though I won’t have my paycheck anymore, and if they decide to prosecute me, I could be in a terrible position. A shiver runs down my spine.
Mom nods. “I wondered if I could stay with you for a few days until I can find somewhere to live. I could have gone to CeCe’s, but you know how packed her place is. Do you think that nice man of yours would mind? I could cook and clean for you both?”
Her face wrinkles up in stress, and I’ve seen that expression on her face a thousand times when money was short or I was struggling with homework from school. James isn’t really my guy, is he? And I’m going to have to move out … Fuck, this is such a mess.
“I’ve been asking Jake to leave, but he kept arguing, and then he outright refused, and I thought: Why stay here? This place is a dump. Why don’t you leave? You can go and live with Sadie.”
Oh, Christ. I glance up at the red brick towering behind her.
“There might be a problem with you staying here, Mom.” I swallow. “There’s actually an issue with me living here.”
Her eyebrows rise. “What do you mean?”
I look away down the street. “I lied on my job application to Williams Security. I told them I had a degree from City University. I don’t know why I did it.” My stomach is in my boots. She’ll hate this. I hate this. I’ve let her down. I’ve let myself down.
“Oh, Sadie,” she says, and I can’t bear to look at her face.
“I’m sorry, Mom. You taught me to be better than that.
Something just took hold of me when I got to that question on the form.
I applied for so many jobs, and I never even got one interview.
I know it’s stupid, but I wanted to see if I had that piece of paper, whether it would make a difference.
And it did. I got an interview right away. ”
Her lips disappear into a thin line and she studies her feet. And her disapproval is like a huge stone in my gut.
“They’ve found out now, so I’m expecting to be fired. Maybe worse.”
She blinks back toward me. “Are you in trouble?”
“It’s possible. I don’t know yet.”
She flaps her hands. I don’t think my mom has disobeyed a rule in her life. “You need to speak to them, say you’re sorry, try to make it right before they take any action against you … Oh my, oh my.”
I pull her into another hug. “I know how bad it is, Mom. I’ll apologize. I’ll talk to them. I’ll straighten it out.”
I’m relieved when she hugs me back, nodding.
“But I can’t stay in this apartment now, clearly.” I sigh as I glance up at the building. “I feel like a leech.”
She pulls back, running a hand over her face. “They’ve been very kind to you. Most employers are not like that.”
I’ve done enough minimum-wage jobs to understand that. You’d think that would help me make smarter choices.
“That night that Jake touched me, I got a bed in a hostel. We could go there for a couple of nights until we can find somewhere to live if you like.”
My mom’s face falls. “You stayed in a hostel? You told me you were staying with a friend!”
This keeps getting worse and worse. But she barrels on.
“How are we going to afford an apartment, Sadie? Rent is at least two and a half grand a month, and that’s almost all of what I make after taxes, and you don’t even know if you still have a job! I got no deposit, neither.”
That’s all true. I struggled to find a computing role without any formal qualifications, but I could aim a bit lower and work my way up.
Working downtown has made me realize there are a lot of opportunities in New York.
I can do tech—maybe not straight out of the gate at a graduate level, but something related that doesn’t require a degree …
And my mom, too. I could help her look for an admin job.
“If we’re both earning, we can afford somewhere, Mom. I’m sure of it. We’ll go over the figures tonight.” I squeeze her hand. “You’re the master at managing a tight budget.”
She gives me a half smile, but the worried creases are still carved in her face.
I grab her bag, and we leave it in reception with Darius as we head upstairs.
When we step through the door, she presses her hands to her cheeks looking around with big eyes.
I have to persuade her to sit on the couch, and she perches on the edge like a bird on a wire.
As I’m throwing things into my backpack, Mr. Karen appears and blinks at me sleepily in the doorway of my room, so I pick him up and bury my face in his fur.
“Okay, buddy. I hope I see you again sometime,” I mumble as he purrs loudly in my ear.
I fill a suitcase with books and a few extra clothes.
I can’t take all my books, clearly. I have no idea if James will ever forgive me, or even whether he’ll be able to talk to me if Williams Security decides to prosecute, but he’s a nice enough guy to get them back to me somehow, I think.
My stomach gives a strange little wobble.
I like him so much, and he’s probably never going to speak to me again.
My hand stills on a copy of The Way of Kings.
James loves this book—it’s the one that convinced him that fantasy wasn’t so bad.
I move through to his room and scan over the neatly made bed and my heart aches.
Being with James was like being wrapped in a warm blanket; the first time I’d met someone who saw beyond all my quietness to who I really am.
I can hardly swallow past the lump in my throat.
I place the book on the nightstand and hurry back to my room.
I can’t be here when James comes back from work; that would be incredibly difficult for both of us. I need to spend tonight figuring out how best to apologize to him in person, then go into the office tomorrow and face the reality of this whole disaster.