Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
The library door swung open, making Katherine jump and nearly drop the old map in her hands. She turned around, her heart fluttering hopefully. Her entire body deflated when she saw that it was one of the councilmen.
It had been nearly two weeks since Lady Agnes had passed. The funeral had been beautiful, and Katherine had found herself wishing she’d met the woman earlier. Each story she’d heard made her understand why Liam was so broken.
“Did ye need me?” Katherine asked the man, placing the map on the table in front of her.
“Nay,” he replied, walking to a shelf and plucking a ledger free. “Laird MacDougal has been lookin’ for ye.”
“He has?” Katherine said, sitting up straighter.
She hadn’t seen him since the night that Lady Agnes died.
After her funeral, Liam left the castle.
Even though he’d been back for several days, he still hadn’t dined in the great hall, nor had he visited their shared chambers.
“Is it relatin’ to Agnes’s lessons? I’ve been goin’ through the library to put together plans for our sessions. ”
The man seemed unimpressed, almost as if he didn’t believe that Agnes’ education was something that should be taken so seriously. Apparently refraining from scoffing, he said, “Nay, he didnae inform me of what he needed from ye.”
Keeping a smile on her face despite the way his demeanor grated on her nerves, Katherine said, “I can go meet him now. Do ye ken where he is?”
“He will come to ye,” the man said, turning around to leave the room without giving her a second glance. “But he does seem pleased with yer work with his daughter. An educated lady is a valuable asset.”
“Aye,” she said loud enough for him to hear as he retreated.
Once she was left alone with the silence, she refocused on the map.
Although Liam had refused to let her and Agnes go to the sea, Agnes remained very interested in it.
Katherine had made an effort to gather as much information about the ocean surrounding them as she could, but there was very little material available.
Knowing she would see Liam again made it almost impossible to concentrate on the map in front of her. She pushed it aside and picked up a book instead. However, as she skimmed the pages, memories of the way he had kissed her flooded back.
It was like he was hungry, starving for her, and underneath it all had been some secret he was willing to resort to vitriol to protect.
She tasted his anger. She tasted the sadness that went so much further than the loss of his grandmother.
She tasted the bitterness of the restraint he held onto so tightly.
She sighed, closed the cover, and tapped her fingers against the sturdy leather binding.
After a moment, she reached for her quill, inkpot, and parchment.
Trying to quiet her racing mind, she drew circles starting in the corner.
She’d nearly filled half the page when the library door swung open again.
This time, she sensed Liam’s presence before she looked away from the inked lines. He stood there, watching her with his arms crossed over his chest. His expression was unreadable, the line between his eyebrows deeper than she’d ever seen it before.
“Liam,” she said, breathy and almost disbelieving. It didn’t look like his time away had eased anything; in fact, he looked as if he’d become even stonier. “I didnae ken when ye’d be back.”
“Inheritance matters have been settled,” he told her, carefully keeping his distance. His gaze was guarded, his eyes showing her nothing but a competent, unfeeling leader. “The only affairs that are left to handle must be taken care of from me study.”
“It must be nice to be home,” Katherine said kindly.
Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, she realized she had misjudged the situation. He seemed to shut himself off even more. The curve of his mouth grew sharper, and for a moment, Katherine thought he would walk away.
“Agnes was glad to see me,” he said finally, apparently deeming his daughter a safe subject.
“Aye, she missed ye,” Katherine said enthusiastically. She turned in her seat, sitting up a little straighter. “And she did so well with her lessons.”
“I kent she’d be in good hands,” he said though she could tell that he was reluctant to speak it aloud.
Katherine practically glowed knowing that he trusted her with the person she knew was the most important to him. It was hard to keep herself from vibrating out of her skin at the praise. She wondered if the thought had crossed his mind, and the confirmation made her chest feel intoxicatingly light.
“I’m glad that I am able to teach her and spend time with her,” she said, tempering her tone. “But I kent she was wishin’ ye were here too.”
“I have given her permission to practice her letters in me study as I deal with the paperwork that’s accumulated,” he said, his gaze drifting to the scribbles in front of her. “But I will have everythin’ sorted out by the end of the day.”
“Right,” Katherine said, tilting her head.
He stared at her for a moment then cleared his throat. “Lady Agnes had hoped that the two of us would have a ceilidh to celebrate our union. We didnae have the chance to do it while she was here, but I would like to honor her wish. This has already been decided.”
Katherine studied his face, searching for any sign of where his mind was.
He was still watching her, seemingly disconnected from his declaration.
She couldn’t help but wonder if he thought about the kisses they’d shared or if he had allowed himself to grieve.
Even though she’d caught glimpses of what he was hiding beneath the surface, she didn’t have the full picture.
“That sounds lovely,” she said, carefully keeping her tone light.
“I willnae be doin’ anythin’ but fulfilling’ me duty of attendin’,” Liam replied, clipped. “I will be there, and I will finish plannin’ the day. I will present ye publicly as me wife, but I willnae be doin’ anythin’ more.”
Frustration, tempered by unease, bubbled in her gut. This should have been exciting, yet she was still being kept at arm’s length. He was already refusing to indulge in something as trivial as the ceilidh.
“Ye’ve nae done any grievin’ while ye were away,” she said, picking each word carefully to keep his rage from exploding once more. “Ye spent all of yer time ignorin’ everythin’.”
“I wasnae ignorin’ anythin’,” he growled, his voice taking on a dangerous edge. “I already told ye that I was handlin’ the details relatin’ to the inheritance. I couldnae ignore the reality of what happened.”
“That’s nae what I meant,” Katherine murmured, slowly rising from her chair.
She didn’t approach him, respecting the distance that he’d put between them even though she longed to run to him and demand he really tell her what was going on in his head.
“I meant the way that ye’re feelin’. Nae the situation. ”
“Ye’re makin’ assumptions,” he said flatly. The anger was there, but he was holding it close to his chest. “Ye have nae idea what I was thinkin’ nor what I was doin’.”
“Ye are so guarded,” she muttered. “Do ye nae remember the kisses we shared? Or are ye pretendin’ that they didnae happen?”
His jaw tightened, and he took a step closer. Then, like he was physically restraining himself from coming closer, he dropped his arms to his sides, his hands balling into fists. “I didnae forget. But both times were lapses of judgment on me part. It willnae happen again. I willnae allow it.”
The way he said it dug under Katherine’s skin. It was almost as if he didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. Frowning, she settled her palm against the solid wood table.
“Ye trust me with Agnes,” she said slowly, her eyes tracing the lines of her splayed fingers, “but ye daenae trust me with yerself.”
“The only thing that matters is that I trust ye with Agnes,” he said. When she looked at him once more, he was closer. Her body stiffened, but she refused to let him see her fear. “It doesnae matter whether or nae I trust meself around ye.”
“Liam—”
“Agnes is the only thing that matters,” he said, cutting her off.
“I’m doin’ me best to honor me grandmother’s wishes.
So we will have the ceilidh, and I will spend me life protectin’ me daughter.
” He paused, his eyes boring into her. “And, for Agnes’s sake, I will keep ye safe.
It isnae for me. It is for me grandmother and me daughter.
Anythin’ that happens between me and ye is solely for her benefit. Anythin’ else was a lapse of judgment.”
He turned around suddenly, leaving the library without saying another word. Katherine stood, leaning against the table as her mind raced through everything he’d said, analyzing each change in his expression. She couldn’t understand any of it.
Sitting down slowly, she exhaled a long breath. Although she knew she wouldn’t be able to focus, she worried she might chase after him. She hadn’t realized how much she longed for his closeness until now. If she provoked him, he could grab her again and hold her close. He might kiss her once more.
But he said that the kisses didnae mean anythin’. I should believe him when he tells me somethin’, aye?
She didn’t know if she could, though. In his most explosive moments, she was sure she saw what he truly felt. And it wasn’t that their physical encounters hadn’t meant something.
* * *
I kent she was bold, but I didnae think she’d be so damned persistent.
Liam stomped through the corridors, searching for his daughter. He’d seen her briefly when he arrived earlier in the day, but he’d been pulled into a meeting with his council almost as soon as he stepped over the threshold. Now, he had to find out where she was passing her time.
Out of habit, he started to walk toward Lady Agnes’ room where his daughter had spent hours sitting with her great-grandmother. When he reached the end of her hall, his body jerked to a stop. A low breath hissed through his teeth.
The week that he spent away should have quieted the noise in his head, and he supposed, it did. While he handled the division of property, he truly couldn’t avoid thinking about his grandmother’s death. It wasn’t the ghost of her presence that stopped him.
It was her final request.
Scrubbing a hand over his face, he turned around and walked over to the nearest window, looking out over the grounds as he steadied his breathing.
Just as she had at every turn he took and every decision he made, Katherine walked into his mind.
He felt her lips against his, the way that her chest had risen and fallen when he pulled her close.
“I cannae allow meself to lose control again,” he said, scanning the grounds. Laughter floated in through the window, accompanied by the muted murmur of conversation. “I willnae allow it.”
But still, the memories of Katherine’s defiance, of how she’d followed him to his chambers, remained vivid. Her bravery was admirable. Even when he had crowded her space and pulled her head back hard enough to make her hiss, she hadn’t run away. She had stood her ground and refused to give in.
Dangerous. Everythin’ about her is dangerous.
Before his thoughts could spiral further, he spotted Agnes sitting in the grass. She was playing with a doll, the book of tales sitting on the ground beside her. Keeping his mind solidly on her, he made his way through the castle and into the courtyard.
A few of his men nodded at him as he passed, but he didn’t acknowledge them. If he let his mind drift away from Agnes’s blazing red hair blowing in the breeze, he’d start thinking about Katherine again. She was the one who had provided support for Agnes while he was gone.
“Agnes,” Liam grunted when he was close enough to be heard.
Agnes slowly lifted her head and set her doll aside. She blinked at him twice before a small smile appeared on her face.
“Father,” she said, starting to stand up.
Liam stopped her, putting a strong hand on her shoulder. With a gentle touch that felt foreign to him, he guided her back to the ground. Then, in an action that surprised him as much as it surprised her, he sat next to her.
“Are ye well?” she asked, calm and steady, so unlike how he felt himself.
“Aye,” he said, taking in her stern expression.
When Agnes was smaller, he was sure that she’d grow into the spitting image of her mother.
Every time he looked at the wee lass, it was as if he was seeing a ghost. But now, he saw that she was something new entirely.
She might have shared features with her mother, but she had his hair and his intensity.
And something that was uniquely her own.
“How have ye been handlin’ yerself?” he asked, finally looking away from her. The wind rustled through the tall grass, and in the pasture, he noticed a groom was breaking in a young mare. “I ken I left quickly after the funeral rites.”
“I am nae sad,” Agnes said, cutting right to the heart of the matter.
“I do miss seein’ Grandmother durin’ the day and practicin’ me readin’ with her, but she hasnae left me.
I see her in me dreams. We walk together, and we laugh.
” She pulled her knees up to her chest. “In me dreams, her hip doesnae hurt her. We ran through the rain last night.”
His chest tightened at her maturity. She was so young, yet she seemed to understand the world in a way he never had. Though she’d suffered the same loss, she easily accepted what had threatened to drive him mad.
“Ach, of course, she’s visitin’ ye,” Liam said, reaching over to tuck a strand of her windblown hair behind her ear. She stared at him but didn’t pull away. “She’s lookin’ out for ye. Makin’ sure ye’re taken care of.”
“If ye’d let her, she’d visit ye as well,” Agnes said simply.
Shaking his head, he made an incredulous sound. That sounded like something Katherine would tell him, delivered with the same cadence she would use. He wasn’t sure if Agnes had learned it from her or if the two of them were truly that alike.
He realized then that no matter how hard he attempted to keep his distance from Katherine, there would never be any escaping her. If it wasn’t her voice or her eyes or her relentless warmth, it would be her words coming from his child’s mouth. It wasn’t something that he could control.
She’s a permanent part of me life now.
“I am goin’ to me study, aye?” he said, rising to his feet. He offered Agnes his hand, squeezing it when she allowed him to help her to her feet. “Perhaps when I finish with me paperwork, ye can read to me.”
The grin he earned in return was so bright it nearly blinded him.