Chapter 19
Nineteen
ARIA
“Who were you as a teenager?”
I looked up from the soup and sandwich I’d thrown together for a late lunch to find North studying me curiously.
It had been an emotional morning, and North had taken a walk on the beach for some fresh air.
I’d stayed back, to give him time to think, and so I could work through the emails piling up in my inbox.
I also spoke with Lachlan to update him on the situation after Jock called to tell me that a few paps had arrived at the gates.
There weren’t as many as the first time because apparently, the paparazzi were only interested in you if the world was hating on you.
I couldn’t lie to my boss, especially since security already knew, so I told him North was with me. “It might be difficult for me to ask him to leave if this is a problem for you,” I told Lachlan. Thankfully, Lachlan was perfectly understanding.
“It’s nobody’s damn business why North is at your place.
It’s complicated for you because your social circle includes the people in this industry.
I know this isn’t in character for you and I know you won’t make a habit of it, so I can only assume you and North have become friends. That’s not my business.”
Friends.
What an inadequate word for whatever we were.
By the time North returned, I’d cleared the work that was a priority, glad for the distraction.
And I couldn’t think about the awful email I’d received this morning.
Clearly, someone out there wanted to hurt me, and there were a few people it could be, but they weren’t worth my energy.
I’d wanted to focus on making sure North was okay without overthinking why his welfare was so important to me.
So we chatted as I put together lunch. I updated him on the security situation, and he curled a lip in distaste at the mention of the media.
Then we settled in to eat, which brought us to now and North’s out-of-left-field question.
“What do you mean, who was I as a teenager?”
“Well, I was the kid burying his trauma with drive. I wanted out of my tiny part of the world and I wanted to make something of my life. So I didn’t focus on what I didn’t have.
I focused on what I wanted. We didn’t really have cliques at school, anyway, but I guess you could say I was the guy who was friends with everyone.
Academics, theater kids, the athletic kids, the rich kids, the not-so-rich kids.
And I did every extracurricular thing under the sun, so I didn’t have to think about anything but school. ”
While there was an intensity to North beneath his cocky charm and humor (it especially came through in his acting work), I actually couldn’t imagine him as that driven type A student he’d described.
“Um … well, I was academic.” I shrugged.
“I liked school. And I was on the swim team. Montana, my high school boyfriend, was a linebacker for the school football team, so between my dad being Wesley Howard and Montana being a jock, I was just accepted as one of the popular kids. But I wasn’t a cheerleader or the prom queen or anything like that.
I was more reserved, not shy, but not overly gregarious.
Mamma is such a flamboyant character, loud and attention-seeking, that I think I deliberately wanted to be the opposite. ”
North frowned in thought. “Did she embarrass you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I mean, it embarrassed me that guys I went to school with had the hots for her and always wanted to hang out at my place, hoping to see her in a bikini. She wasn’t around enough for the opportunity, thank God.
I think it was more that everything always had to be—has to be,” I corrected, “about her. I love my mother, and there is goodness in her, kindness and empathy, and I know she loves me and Allegra. But she can be self-involved. When I was a kid, everywhere we went, it was all about Mamma. As I got older, that was uncomfortable for me. We’d go to a family gathering to celebrate my aunt’s birthday or to a friend’s party to celebrate their anniversary, and Mamma would make sure she was the center of attention.
She’d do an unscheduled speech that turned into an Italian serenade or a solo dance.
All that energy and beauty … people are drawn to her.
Everyone else just fades into the background.
“For my eleventh birthday, I’d asked to spend the whole day with my father.
Just me and him. That year he’d been gone a lot and I missed him.
Allegra was nine months old, and when Dad was home, he obviously wanted to spend a lot of time with Ally.
I don’t know if wanting my dad’s time hurt my mother’s feelings, but she had a meltdown the morning Dad and I were supposed to leave for our daddy-daughter day out.
Dad ended up canceling to take care of Mamma, and our date never happened.
“At my sweet-sixteen party, she got drunk because she was depressed that she was old enough to have a sixteen-year-old and she made a speech in front of all my school friends about it, complimenting me with one hand and reminding everyone how I didn’t inherit her rocking bod with the other.
Dad was furious. Hauled her out of there and gave her hell.
He’s always hated the way she talks about my physical appearance, and it was one of the biggest fights they ever had.
Mamma got hysterically upset and blamed me for my dad’s reaction.
Montana and I left the party. My own birthday party.
” I released a surprised huff. Where had that vent come from?
“Anyway … I guess that’s the reason I tried to be the opposite of her. ”
North scowled. “No offense, princess, but your mother sounds exhausting. I’ve never met her, but I’ve seen her on talk shows, and she’s a big personality. However, that sounds like more than a big personality. That sounds like narcissism.”
Defensive at his harshness, I glowered. “She’s not a narcissist. She’s just self-involved.”
He held up a hand. “I meant no offense, and I’m just mad on your behalf.”
My prickliness relented. “It’s fine. I … just … my parents weren’t perfect, but no parent is. And at least I didn’t lose mine.” I gave him an empathetic look.
North sighed. “You don’t have to accept their failings just because some people grew up without parents.”
“Actually, I do,” I disagreed. “I don’t want to live my life resenting them for the mistakes they made.
Mamma is trying to be there for us in a way she didn’t back when I was a kid, and maybe it’s too late for me, but I appreciate she wants to try.
” I laughed humorlessly. “How did we get into this? Let’s change the subject. ”
“Okay.” North pushed his empty plate aside and leaned forward. “Let’s go really deep.”
I braced myself.
“What’s your favorite movie?”
Relieved, I rolled my eyes with a laugh. “You can’t ask a director’s daughter that question. There are too many choices.”
“Tell me just one.”
I considered it. “I can tell you my favorite movie that I’ve only watched once because it hurt too much to watch again, or I could tell you my favorite comfort movie that I watch all the time.”
“Tell me both.”
“Greedy.”
He gave me that sexy, boyish smile. “You know it.”
“Ang Lee’s Lust, Caution. When I was dating Preston, he insisted I had to see this movie, so we streamed it, and I couldn’t talk for an hour after it.
I didn’t want to cry in front of Preston, so I sat there”—I gestured to my throat—“choking on these sobs. And I got up in the middle of the night and locked myself in his bathroom and cried in secret hours after we’d watched it. ”
North searched my face. “Why didn’t you want to cry in front of him?”
Pain flared in my chest at the reminder of the man I’d thought I loved but whom I looked back on and realized I’d hidden so much of myself from. “I didn’t know it then, but I know why now.” I shrugged unhappily. “He didn’t make me feel safe. Not even safe enough to cry in front of.”
North lowered his eyes. “Jesus Christ, Aria … why did you put up with that?”
I stiffened. “Because I thought I loved him.”
At my tone, North met my gaze again. “I didn’t mean that as an attack. I just wish … you deserve so much better.”
“I ignored the warning signs, so it’s as much my fault as his.” I shrugged. “What’s your favorite movie?”
He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but in the end, he just grinned and said, “The movie I tell the press is The Deer Hunter. The real answer is Toy Story.”
Just like that, the tension broke between us as I burst into laughter.
Hours later, as we lay naked in bed on our stomachs facing each other, I watched North’s drowsy expression as I caressed his back lightly with my fingertips. Despite the emotional upheaval of the day, I’d kept him distracted.
We talked more about my life growing up in Malibu and his life growing up in Scotland. We shared our food likes and dislikes, talked about books and TV shows and music. Conversation was easy and fluid.
I wasn’t going to overanalyze just how easy it was.
Or how good it felt when North took me to bed and spent hours loving my body.
I thought he was almost asleep, so it surprised me when he suddenly asked, “Do you think you made the right decision coming to Scotland after what Lucas and Caitlyn did?”
Part of me wondered what made him think of them, but I didn’t want to dwell on that either. I didn’t want to imagine that North thought of me beyond our casual sex arrangement. Because it didn’t feel casual.
Today it had felt the opposite of casual.
“At first, I wasn’t sure,” I replied quietly, wanting to push back the momentary flicker of panic.
“I didn’t know anyone. I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas, anyway, and nothing seemed to have changed except my location.
But one Sunday, I went on a hike to see some of the area for myself.
It was a beautiful summer’s day, and I’d been following this footpath through the woods when something flashed up ahead, off the beaten path.
So I followed and found myself in a field.
A field of purple heather.” My mind drifted to that day.
“There was no one else there. The air was the freshest I’d ever breathed, and the birds were chirping, bees buzzing.
The sun was perfect on my skin. I lay down among the heather and everything just stopped.
Lucas disappeared from my head. Mamma wasn’t there to give unsolicited advice.
I wasn’t worrying about Allegra. People weren’t demanding things from me.
And I could hear myself for the first time in what felt like forever. ”
North’s eyes were open now, staring intently into mine. “And what did you hear yourself say?”
“That I was lost,” I whispered. “But maybe here was where I could find myself again. So I stayed in Scotland, hoping that I would.”
North reached out to brush his thumb over my lower lip. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you stayed.”
My throat thickened with unwanted emotion, and I hurried to swerve from what he might or might not say regarding our … whatever we were. “What about you?” I blurted out. “Have you ever been somewhere and just known that’s where you were supposed to be?”
Thankfully, North went with it. He released my lip, but only to caress my arm with the back of his fingers.
His gaze followed his touch as he told me, “The first time I went on stage. Nothing had ever felt so right before. I knew from that very moment that’s where I was meant to be. Acting is in my blood.”
Dismay filled me. But I shoved it back to be a good friend to him. “This whole experience hasn’t made you want to walk away from it?”
He shook his head grimly.
“Then don’t. If it means that much to you, then don’t.
Someone changed things today, North, and you have to put aside why, or your anger at why, and be selfish for once.
See it as an opportunity. If you want your life back, it’s time you made a public statement and told the world what happened in your words, on your terms.”
He looked at me so long and so intensely, I didn’t know how he would react to my advice. However, finally, North nodded. “I think you’re right.”