Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Nate
Two simple words, and they have so many damn emotions blooming inside me that I’m using the word “blooming” in my thoughts, for fuck’s sake.
“You really shouldn’t thank me, this is the least I can?—”
“This is more than anyone’s ever done for me,” Ru says simply, cutting me off and leaving me speechless for a moment.
I guess it’s not too difficult to imagine that. It’s way more than anyone’s ever done for me too, but I’ve never been in a relationship. And okay, we’re not in a relationship either, but I want us to be...
“I guessed you’d like fancy restaurants, and I thought it’d be a good way to impress you. At least long enough for you to hear my apology,” I admit.
“You guessed correctly.”
I beam at him. Couldn’t stop myself even if I wanted to.
It took some planning, a very special favor from Chase Knightly, and of course more cash than I ever thought to spend on a date, but looking at him now, I know he’s worth it.
He’s worth this and so much more.
I would’ve cooked the meal myself for the chance to have him looking at me like he is now—like I’m someone worth his time, like he stared at me that first night we hooked up once he was done rocking my world.
Aaaand it’s better if I don’t remember that night too much or my pants will get uncomfortably tight.
Instead, I decide to get my head back in the game. This might be the date Ru deserves, the least he deserves, but I have an apology to make, and I rehearsed it a million times with Noah, with Seth on FaceTime since apparently my romantic trials are the only thing in the universe that can make him smile these days, and since—brat or not—she has proven to be smarter than me on numerous occasions, with my sister.
I owe you not only an apology, but also an explanation. I remember the opening of my monologue and open my mouth to begin, but the waiter comes over right then with a bottle of Castillo Otero—an amazing Rioja I’d specifically requested—and pours us each a glass while he tells us the menu we’ll be served tonight.
“I’ll be back with the first entree in a few minutes,” he says quietly, then leaves quickly.
“I love this wine,” Ru says after tasting it, and spins the bottle carefully to look at the label.
“Me too,” I tell him, as I watch his interested expression. “I owe you not only an apology, but also an explanation,” I blurt before I’m ready.
But I guess my brain decided I am ready, and with that same interested expression now aimed at me—though darker this time—I know it’s time to face the music.
“I want to say, just right off the bat, that pretending I didn’t know who you were in front of my friends was cruel and nasty and simply not who I am at all. There are a lot of factors that lead me to feel so panicked that I reacted in that way that night, but it’s still unacceptable no matter all the baggage I have. So for that, I can only say I’m sorry, and I can promise to never do something like it again. It’s not who I am. It never has been. And I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my life.”
That bit of the speech comes out exactly as I planned, but when Ru’s face doesn’t react in any way, well... I basically go off the rails.
“I mean, I even regret it more than the time I got high on mushrooms in Bali and had the worst trip ever. I saw glasses melt, and the ocean was upside down, and I was talking to a whale and trying to convince it not to eat me, but it just kept poking me and saying how delicious I looked. I cried for seven days straight according to my friends and they almost took me to a psychiatric hospital. Then there was the time when I went to the zoo, and Seth dared me to?—”
“Nate.” Ru stops me with a touch of his hand. I mean, he spoke pretty loudly too, which has me wondering if he called my name before and I just didn’t hear? But his hand on mine...
How can just the feel of his skin warm up my whole body?
“Thanks for stopping me. That’s not what I rehearsed.” I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment. I really need to get back on track here or he’s never going to want to see me again. A weird choking sound from Ru has me opening my eyes fast, though. “What?” I demand, worried for a second because he’s doing a weird twisting thing with his mouth and— “Are you laughing at me?”
I think I might actually be offended... but then he bursts out laughing.
I’ve never heard or seen him laugh like this, and I simply can’t be mad at him. I can’t.
“The whale thought you were delicious, huh?” he asks, before bursting out another cackle.
“Oh, shush,” I grumble, and squeeze his hand. “It was a traumatic experience, Rupert,” I mock-scold him, but I give him time to settle back down.
“I bet it was,” he says at last, with his brilliant smile still on his face.
“Okay, so let me get back to my apology?—”
“The one you rehearsed,” he says softly, and now he looks more somber and... deep. I don’t know how to fucking describe it, but it makes me feel exposed and... uncomfortable.
“I wanted to get it right,” I defend myself, for no apparent reason.
“How many times did you rehearse it?” he questions, his voice low now, and though he still looks serious, I can see he’s amused.
I harrumph, something I don’t enjoy doing, but it comes out regardless.
“I didn’t count.” Maybe I do sound a bit offended.
“Who did you rehearse with?” he presses, and I have to sigh and lean back further in my chair.
“The waiter’s about to come out with the first course, Ru—Rupert,” I correct myself, since we’re not friends . “Can I just get through it?”
“Forget about the waiter. I want to hear all about the preparations before I get the end result.” He quirks one eyebrow and from the very little I know of him, I know he’s not going to let this go.
This is the lord I’m speaking to now, and I guess it’s a part of the man I’m crazy about, so even though it pains me, I pull my hand back from his and cross my arms over my chest, and I quirk a cocky eyebrow back at him.
“I rehearsed with Noah, Seth, and my sister.”
“Seth is?—”
“One of the guys who was with me in Australia,” I confirm before he can get the full question out.
“So he knows?—”
“He knew hours after the scene at the club. I told all of them the next morning, about everything that had happened between us, and then they spent all day helping me look for you in every hotel in Melbourne.” I recite the whole ordeal in a matter-of-fact tone. I know that if I let myself feel an ounce of the regret or mortification from that day, I’ll break, and I can’t.
This is an interrogation. This is the moment I owe him, where he can do and say whatever he wants, get all the answers he wants. And though I believe he has a lot more questions, he doesn’t get to ask them, because like I told him would happen, the waiter appears the next second.
He explains what the dishes are, I’m sure, but I couldn’t repeat a single word of it since I’m staring at Ru as if my life depends on it.
I mean, not to be dramatic, but at the moment it feels like it does.
I have a visceral need to know what he’s feeling, thinking, planning. It feels like I need to prepare to defend myself?—
And that’s not what I want to build between us. Not ever.
But the lord needs this, and I hope it’s just for now.
So when the waiter leaves, I look down and see a... kind of salad, I suppose. I think it has caviar, and maybe some type of fish. Anchovies? Who knows, but it doesn’t look like a warm dish, so we can take our damn time eating it.
“Any more questions, or can I get on with my speech?”
“You think it’ll work?” he throws back at me, and I have to sigh again.
“I don’t know how the fuck you expect me to know. What we shared in Australia was special to me. The sex was bomb, Rupert, and don’t try to deny it,” I warn and point a finger at him. He concedes with a nod. “It was fucking spectacular, that’s the truth, but it was talking to you about what himbos really are, seeing you all tired and grumpy that first night, it was hearing about how you also have an older sister who’s a know-it-all.” I shake my head and look away. “I know I don’t know all of you, but what I do know, I really fucking like . So I have no way of knowing if my apology will actually work. I hope it does. I hope I get the chance to explore this between us, to know even more about you. I hope I get the chance to date you and try to find out if all the feelings I already have for you are real.”
He’s silent for a long moment—the longest thirty seconds of my life—and his eyes don’t stray from mine for even a millisecond. Again, it feels like he can look into me, but this time I welcome the uncomfortable feeling.
“All right then,” he says at last, and so quietly I’m only sure I heard him correctly when he looks at me expectantly.
“Okay, here I go. The thing in the club.” I take a deep breath and remember where I left off and repeat the last bit. “I can promise to never do something like that again. It’s not who I am. It never has been, and I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my life. The baggage I’ve had all my life is pretty typical, I suppose. My father has always wanted me to be a carbon copy of him, at least I believed that when we were in Australia. He got married to my mom straight out of college and they started a family right away. He wanted me to do that, he said so. Settle down, get married, get a nine-to-five job, have babies. I’ve known for a long time that’s not what I want. Not only because I’m very gay, but because it’s just not me.
“So for a long time I’ve done everything in my power to avoid anything associated with my dad’s plan for me. It hadn’t been hard because I never met anyone I even remotely wanted to have a serious relationship with, but also because I did so much wild shit in college and grad school, I definitely didn’t have anyone banging on my door and asking me to work for them. But then I met you, and you went toe to toe with me. You were funny and sexy and sweet when you let yourself be, and I only wanted more of you. From that moment in the lobby I wanted you.
“When I woke up the next day and you weren’t there, I actually felt like I’d lost something I’d never get back, and that’s just insane, isn’t it? So I buried it. Deep. And I didn’t tell my friends about you, which was stupid but... I felt trapped before we went on our trip. I felt like I was getting a two-week reprieve from a life sentence and that everything after that trip would be hell. My friends all had jobs waiting for them. Normal, respectable jobs. And I thought I was going to lose them too. I felt like the slightest distraction from our trip would just mean less time with them—less meaningful time with them.
“But they knew I was full of shit the second I opened my mouth when you walked up to us in the club. They showed me how much of an idiot and an asshole I’d been. I didn’t lose them, of course, they’re probably blowing up my phone with texts right about now and we don’t know because I silenced the damn thing. It all just piled up to the point where I couldn’t see anything around me. I couldn’t understand, couldn’t process how you managed to get inside my brain so deeply, so quickly. So that’s the whole, very long story of why I panicked and acted like a grade-A dick.”
I take a very deep breath and look expectantly at Ru, waiting for him to tell me plainly that’s not enough, but his mouth is hanging open and he’s not looking at me like I’m a psycho or an idiot.
No, he’s looking at me like he understands.
“That,” he says eventually, and shakes his head as if he needs it to clear it. “That was a lot.”
“I know,” I say sympathetically.
“You really rehearsed all that? And memorized it?”
I really don’t like how stuck he is on that—it’s embarrassing—but he doesn’t look bothered by it, more... happy?
“Yes, but I might’ve improvised a bit.” The simple truth seems to unlock something for him.
“All right then.” He nods once, then looks down and grabs the fork next to his plate. “Then let’s get this date started.”
The way he says it, the way he looks up at me from beneath his lashes as he takes the first bite... I’ve never felt relief like this.
So for the next two hours, we talk.
I tell him about the conversation with my father that changed everything, and the hunt for a masters in the UK. I tell him about my friends.
He shares less, but does tell me about his flat in London and the small place he has here, though he rarely uses it since it’s so close to his parents’. He moves on from that topic quickly, and I let him, because then he moves on to tell me about Carter and Gabriel and the boarding school he went to growing up.
I laugh at the antics they pulled in their teenage years, and I sympathize when he tells me about his friend Jenna who has a new girlfriend she can’t be seen with in public. An idea for our next date—if he agrees—blooms in my mind at that, but I keep quiet and try to take every second in, to the fullest.
When dinner is over and we’re just behind the doors that lead to the driveway where the limo is waiting to take him back to his place, I know it’s time to put myself out there again.
I step closer, until our chests are almost touching, and I cup his cheek, searching his eyes. I see desire and need, the same as when we were on the other side of the world, but this time there’s something else. Something that gives me the courage to close the space between us and kiss him gently.
His lips part right away, and his hands come up to my waist, gripping the fabric of my shirt tightly. The kiss grows and heats up faster than I’ve ever experienced and I want to take him right there. I want to press him against the wall and get him off just like he did to me on that yacht, but that memory is all I need to get slammed back to the present.
“Ru,” I whisper, sounding as tortured as I feel. “I want us to wait.” I need to get the words out quickly, before I think twice. “Last time we had mostly sex. I want more with you. I want?—”
“I think that’s wise,” he says, and my guess is he’s trying to sound composed but the panting breaths give him away.
“Will you go out with me again, though?” I plead. He winces, and tilts his head in a way I recognize. “It’ll be as discreet as tonight,” I promise.
I know that I have to earn the right to his past. I have to let him disclose whatever he wants whenever he wants and not a second before. It seems like someone’s looking out for me, though, because he smiles at me, melts me with it, and nods.
“Yes. Just let me know when and where and I’ll be there.”
* * *
It’s only nine days later that I explain the plan to a reluctant Ru.
“But Nate,” he starts, and I shut him up with a finger pressed against his lips.
“Noah, Carter, Jenna, and Alice are all down there waiting for us.”
“Can a punt even hold that many people?” he demands, looking skeptically at the river Cherwell.
“I was assured it can,” I tell him calmly, then take his bicep in my arm and put a little force into my pull. “Come on, it’ll be fun,” I cajole, and though he doesn’t look convinced, he doesn’t resist or protest until we’ve spent two minutes on the seriously tiny boat.
Noah... bless his heart.
Even sitting down he can’t keep his balance, and he just slides off the damn thing. I’m too stunned to react at first, but everyone else shouts and moves around so the boat doesn’t overbalance and take us all down with him. But Noah—who was the one who gave me the damn date idea—doesn’t even look surprised when he surfaces. He just starts swimming after us and actually tries to climb back in until the sweet man who’s guiding us shouts at him to swim to the bank of the river.
It’s a disaster.
And not even fifteen minutes into the hour-long activity we all have tears of laughter streaming down our faces when, looking like a drowned rat, Noah climbs back into the little punt and sits next to a bent over Carter.
I look at Ru in that moment and mentally pat myself on the back when I see how relaxed and happy he seems. The lord persona is nowhere to be found right now, and his playful side comes out for the rest of the boat ride.
After a simple pub meal filled with more stories and laughter, I get another secret, hot-as-fuck kiss from Ru in the back alley, and then I have to wait for another week to see him.
He goes back to London to work, and I get back to studying for the math camp I signed up for before classes start in a month.
I see Noah every day, and like he’s been from the start when he told me Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons was the fanciest and most exclusive restaurant around here, he’s invaluable for my date planning. He helps me convince a very nice man to let me use his secluded field—which has an amazing view of the sunset—for my third date with Ru.
It’s priceless, seeing Ru’s face when we get to the farm and I tell him we have to walk for a bit. He looks crestfallen and like I just deeply offended him, but again, with a bit of cajoling he follows me.
It’s even better when we get to the open-air theatre I set up for him. The awe in his face, the pure emotion I can practically feel pouring out of his skin... I’m pretty sure that’s the moment when I first actively love him.