7. Friday, May 11, 2012
FRIDAY, MAY 11, 2012
T he Galapagos Islands were one hour ahead of Pacific Time, and Julia knew Kevin usually got into town every Friday around four o’clock. From his hotel room there, he Skyped with the kids every Saturday.
But this Friday, she waited until five o’clock Galapagos Time to give him a chance to settle in, and then she placed the call.
“Hey.” Since their divorce, his tone was always flat and neutral when he picked up her calls.
“Hey. How’s it going?”
“Fine. Just getting ready to grab dinner. What’s up?”
He knew she never called on Fridays unless she had some urgent business with either their lawyers or their kids. “Um, well… do you have a few minutes, or would you rather eat first?”
“That bad, huh?” he said drily.
Julia gave an awkward laugh. “I hope not.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“There’s something I need to tell you before you talk to the kids tomorrow.”
“What did Paige do this time?”
Again, she coughed out a nervous laugh. “It’s not about Paige. Well – I guess it i s, kind of; but it’s not anything she’s done. She’s doing pretty well, actually. I think Clio and the school are really helping,” she added.
“So what’s up?” Still all business.
She drew a deep breath for courage. “What I’m about to tell you changes nothing for the worse, where you and the kids are concerned. And I really hope it changes nothing between us, in terms of co-parenting. At least, from my perspective, it doesn’t.” Then she winced at how condescending and patronizing it sounded, coming out of her mouth. It had sounded so good in her head while rehearsing it, over and over, all day long.
Kevin’s slightly sharper tone confirmed her fears as he replied, “Sure, Julia, but I think you should just say what you called to say. No need to soften any blows, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m used to it by now.”
She ignored his passive-aggressive jab, as well as the twinge of annoyance it triggered. “What I wanted to tell you is, William and I are in a relationship.”
Silence.
Julia squeezed her eyes shut, grimacing in actual, physical pain as she waited for the other shoe to drop. In fact, she waited so long that she glanced at her phone screen, worried that the call had dropped. “Are you there?”
“I assume you mean the William, right?” His voice was calm. Deadly calm. The calm before a storm.
“Yes.”
Another silence. “And I assume the only reason you needed to tell me this before I talk to the kids tomorrow is because they’ve already met him.”
“Yes, but that happened by accident.”
He gave a single, rueful laugh. “How does something like that happen by accident?”
Julia cringed. “What I mean is, I didn’t plan for them to meet that way.”
“What way?” She didn’t miss the slight uptick of agitation in his tone. He didn’t have to say anything – she knew he was imagining that they had cau ght Julia and William in bed together. Just as Paige had, six years ago.
After Julia and Kevin reconciled, Paige came to him one day, asking why Mommy didn’t want her to know that Daddy had come home. That’s how it all came out – while Kevin was still missing in Brazil, Paige had stumbled upon Julia and William in bed together. In the darkness, Paige assumed that her father had finally come home. Julia tried to somehow convince Paige that it wasn’t her father, without admitting to what Paige had really seen.
When Kevin heard the story from Paige, it strained things between him and Julia irreparably.
Despite the jab of defensiveness in her chest, Julia understood his anger – she really did. Besides serving as the nail in the coffin of her marriage, the whole incident hurt and confused Paige, and damaged her trust in her parents. If Julia had been stronger – if she had been able to resist the tiny sliver of comfort and joy William offered during a time when darkness swallowed her whole; or even if she had just found a way to be honest with Paige about what she saw – maybe she could have headed off at least some of Paige’s suffering.
It was one of her greatest mistakes in life, and her greatest regret as a parent. It had taken Julia six years of therapy to stop self-flagellating, if only to free up enough headspace to make things right for Paige.
But these days, if Julia lacked anything in the self-flagellation department, Kevin supplied the difference. It took all her internal strength to pull herself together and explain as calmly as possible how the kids managed to meet William by accident .
When she finished, Kevin spat out, “So let me guess: Robert already knows that William is his real dad.”
“No, of course not.”
“But William knows about Robert,” he continued, his tone still strained.
“Yes, but–”
“And you couldn’t have just asked to meet him somewhere else? Maybe another day, or another time? You had to actually invite him into the house, with our kids? ”
She cringed. “I know, but I wasn’t thinking clearly in that moment. I was shocked, and overwhelmed.”
Kevin scoffed. “Is that something you do? Let random people come into your house with the kids when you’re shocked and overwhelmed?”
In spite of herself, Julia’s brows pinched and her fingernails dug into her palms, but she was determined not to dignify that with a reply.
“I’m sure William was shocked, too,” Kevin persisted, “when he discovered we had been keeping his son from him all these years. I’m sure he has no feelings about that whatsoever.”
She forced her tone to remain placid. “Kevin, you have all the rights, where Robert is concerned. William knows that, and he gets it, and he agrees that’s what’s best for Robert.”
“Yeah, because he has no other option. If he did–”
“Neither of us wants to interfere with your relationship with Robert. You’re his dad, Kevin, and he needs you in his life. The last thing any of us wants is to hurt Robert.” He had no immediate response to this, so she gently added, “You’ll still have every bit as much time with him as you ever did. And like I said earlier, you have all the legal rights.”
“So now what?” demanded Kevin. “How are we supposed to explain this to Robert? Or are we just going to keep hiding the truth from him for the rest of his life?”
“No.”
“So what, then? Does William get to be ‘Dad Two’ now? Or no – I bet he gets ‘Dad One’ status, and I’m number two, right?”
She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath through her nose so she wouldn’t raise her voice against his petulance. “You’re still Daddy to Robert, and you always will be. But Clio has some ideas about how we can all work together to make this as smooth as possible for Robert. To start with, she’d like to give you a call and talk with you. Would that be okay?”
He gave a huff. “Why not? Just know I’ll be consulting my own people, too.”
“I understand.”
“Good.” Another long silence followed. Then he let out yet another heavy sigh, but this one was longer – softer. Like sadness. “I guess I always knew this would happen… you and William, I mean. ”
She hummed, wondering how he could know a thing like that; but she was afraid to poke the bear by asking.
“I’m just surprised it took seven whole months. I figured he’d be back in your bed as soon as the ink was dry on our divorce. From the very beginning, I knew I was your honorable mention. He was always the grand prize.”
Julia clamped her lips together, even as her hackles rose.
“You’re a walking Crystal Gayle song, Julia,” he persisted. “You talk in your sleep.”
At least his tone wasn’t dickish anymore. In fact, it was just the opposite. It was almost… compassionate.
Another long silence followed before he quietly continued. “The first time you came to me – you know, in the hotel room, after your grandmother died… I had wanted that for so long. Aside from the day Paige was born, I still count that as the best day of my life. And then you came to me again and told me that perfect day had made us parents.”
At his confession, the floor dropped out from underneath her. Tears pricked Julia’s eyes as a tidal wave of sadness, remorse, and compassion nearly drowned her. That was not at all what she had expected him to say.
“Kevin…”
She felt like the worst person on the planet because she had never been able to reciprocate the love he felt for her – at least, not to the same degree. And it hadn’t been for lack of trying. She had desperately tried to convince herself that she was over William after her attempt at reconciliation – the letter she sent him in Alaska – came back marked, “Return to Sender.”
She had sent it in December of 1996, after learning he had gone to work on the crab boats. Her abject terror for his safety drove home just how far she was from being over him. But when her letter came back, she assumed he didn’t want to hear from her anymore.
In retrospect, Julia knew now that she had been depressed. The uncles and grandmother who had truly raised her were gone. She still woke up a few nights a week with William’s name on her lips. Neither Santa Barbara nor the marine biology field turned out as expected, her GPA was in free-fall, and every grad school she applied to rejected her.
So when her grandmother passed away in March of 1996, Kevin drove her all the way from Santa Barbara and accompanied her to the funeral. Kevin had comforted her so sweetly, and she needed comfort then, more than anything else. Which is why she came back with him to his hotel room, even though she hadn’t been on the pill in over two years.
When she missed a period and started vomiting a month after Gran’s funeral, it was all too easy. Kevin was already her best friend in Santa Barbara. They were both marine biology students, they both loved aquariums, and they both grew up Catholic in the Bay Area. Julia didn’t feel the spark for Kevin that she had for William, but with a foundation like theirs, she figured it was only a matter of time. So she walked the stage in June to accept her diploma, and then a week later she walked to the altar to accept Kevin’s ring.
But she still kept William’s modest diamond in that shoebox, along with the mermaid necklace he had given her. And all the therapy and couple’s counseling in the world couldn’t transform Kevin into someone who spoke her love languages – who soothed her spirit or sent it rocketing into the cosmos.
And now, all she could think to offer him was a pathetic, “I’m sorry.”
“Not nearly as sorry as I am for failing you and Paige. I’m the one who ran away when the going got tough. But at the same time…” She listened to his uneven breathing as he grappled for words. “The couples’ counselor taught us to use I-statements, so I’m going to use my I-statements now.”
Julia gave a short, joyless laugh and waited, her stomach sour with dread.
“The first time I heard you say his name in your sleep, I wanted to die,” he continued. “I wish I could say I’m being melodramatic, but there were only two things that stopped me then, and every time since then. One was Paige. And the other was the hope that maybe one day, I would be enough for you. But every time I heard you say his name, or I watched you close your eyes and knew you were thinking of him, my heart died a little more. So I may seem angry, Julia, and I guess I am. But at the root of it all is this love I once had.”
The tears poured down Julia’s cheeks now. But once again, all she could think to say was, “I’m so sorry, Kevin.”
And then her heart cracked open a little more to hear him sniffing on the other end of the line – to hear his voice break as he said, “I’ll talk to Clio, and I’ll do the right thing for the kids. I love both of them, equally.”
“I know you do.” And she really did.