Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EVA
My eyes were puffy and the circles beneath them blue. Splotchy cheeks and pale lips weren’t a good look for me. This wasn’t exactly how I’d hoped to start my new year, crying through the midnight hours and barely sleeping. But at least I could nap on the plane.
I stretched a hair tie around my wrist, then took one last look in the mirror. Yep, I looked like crap. The last time I’d looked this awful had been years ago. This was the face I’d worn for weeks after moving to New York.
It was like the heartache was so immense that it couldn’t stay inside. It blanched my skin. It hollowed my cheeks. It sat like a chimney of bricks upon my shoulders.
Tobias’s ultimatum rang through my mind. It made it hard to see straight because the worst part was...
He was right.
I was clinging to a foolish hope that my life wouldn’t have to change. But nothing about my life was normal. I couldn’t drag a baby around with me from city to city. I couldn’t keep my job and be a mother .
He was right. I knew he was right. I’d known it for a week.
Yet last night, even after all those words, he hadn’t asked me to stay. He wanted the baby. Just not me.
I swiped at my cheeks, sniffling the sting out of my nose. Then I steeled my spine, pulled on my coat and collected my suitcase. No, I couldn’t work forever, at least not in the same capacity. But I wasn’t quitting today. I wasn’t quitting tomorrow.
I’d go to London, give myself time to mourn the loss of my career, then formulate an exit plan. It was time to update my résumé.
With my suitcase dragging behind me, I looped my backpack strap over a shoulder and left Tobias’s guest bedroom behind. Would he turn it into the baby’s nursery?
I clenched my jaw to keep the emotion from bubbling free as I marched down the hallway.
The scent of coffee greeted me in the kitchen. Tobias stood at the sink, his back to me as he stared out the window overlooking his backyard.
Would he put a swing set out there? Or maybe a playhouse? Would he make this home a child’s paradise so that I had no chance of competing?
Tobias turned, his eyes darted to my bags. “I’ll help you load up.”
“I can do it.” I raised my chin. “Thanks for letting me crash here this week. I stripped the bed. Towels are in the hamper.”
He nodded. “Appreciate it.”
My heart hammered three beats for every step toward the front door. I twisted the knob, but before I could step outside, my suitcase was tugged free from my hand.
Tobias stood there, so close I could smell his cologne. I drew it in, holding it for a long moment, then exhaled.
He followed close behind as I walked into the cold, my breath billowing in a white cloud as I crossed the clean sidewalk. He must have shoveled while I’d been in the shower. He’d also cleaned the snow from my car.
I hit the button for the trunk, stepping aside so he could load my suitcase. Then I tossed in my backpack and met his gaze.
Those blue eyes were like sapphires, glittering in the morning sun. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Call me.”
“I will.”
He studied me, the dark circles and dull skin, his forehead furrowing. “Eva, I?—”
“Don’t.” My voice trembled. “Please don’t. I need to get going.”
And I was hanging on by a thread. I couldn’t fight with him, not again.
“All right.” He moved, shifting out of my way so we wouldn’t touch as I brushed past him and hurried for the driver’s side door.
I slid inside, the cold from the seat seeping through my jeans.
Tobias braced his hands on the roof, bending as I inserted the key into the ignition. “I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, what I said last night, I’m sorry.”
The tears threatened, so I simply nodded and turned the key. “Goodbye, Tobias.”
His hands fell to his sides and he stepped away. “Goodbye, Eva.”
Another miserable farewell.
I didn’t let myself look at him as I reversed out of the driveway. I didn’t let myself glance in the rearview mirror as my tires crunched on the fresh snow of his lane. I didn’t let myself think that there’d been regret on his face as he’d said goodbye .
This week had been an epic clusterfuck, from that stupid song to last night’s fight.
I should have stayed in my empty condo. We should have maintained boundaries. Too much time had passed for us to be jumping into bed together. He might know me better than anyone, but that didn’t mean I was the same young woman I’d been in college.
We’d drifted apart. We’d become different people.
And now, we’d have to figure out a way to become parents.
The miles to the airport passed in a blur. My focus was nonexistent, but there was a plus side to moving and traveling so often. I maneuvered the airport with mechanical ease, checking my baggage and navigating security. Most of the chairs outside the gate were full, but I found an empty seat next to a window.
There was an older couple seated across from me. I met the woman’s gaze and it was so full of pity that I winced. Okay, maybe I looked worse than crap. The flight attendants would probably ask if I was all right.
I forced a tight smile at the woman, then twisted sideways in the seat, folding my legs toward my chest so I could look outside.
The ground crew was busy loading suitcases onto a conveyor belt. One man in a neon vest was waving two orange wands. Mom had taught us years ago how pilots navigated runway lines and markers.
What airport would she be flying to today? Did she ever feel sad coming to this airport? Because I did. Every single time.
I stared at the workers, keeping my eyes aimed through the glass as the tears began to fall.
This was just so goddamn familiar. This was just like the day I’d left for New York.
I was in a blue, vinyl chair again. I was crying at the Bozeman airport again. I was staring at a Boeing 737 with a heart torn to confetti.
My hand found my belly. I pressed it close, squeezing shut my eyes.
Was I making a huge mistake? Would I regret this decision?
Before New York, there hadn’t been a scrap of hesitation in my mind. Yes, I’d been devastated and broken about Tobias, but when the gate agent had called my row, I’d stood tall, dried my face and walked down the sky bridge.
Today’s doubts were paralyzing. They kept me pinned to my chair, even as my name was called. Even as the plane taxied down the runway.
Even as it took flight without me.