Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
ANDY
I fucked up.
In the world of assholes, I was definitely up there right along with all the other douchebags, because what I did to Levi the other night was messed up and downright cruel.
I shouldn’t have been fooling around with him in the first place. He was my boss, and I lived in his house, and he was a he .
Kissing him when I really, really shouldn’t have was such a stupid move. So why did I enjoy it so much?
There was no hiding the reaction my body had to tasting Levi. If I’d thought he smelled good just sitting next to him, I hadn’t been anywhere prepared to have his scent consume me like he was trying to fill every single one of my pores.
I couldn’t have mistaken him for a woman, even if I wanted to. The way his body felt under mine, all sculpted to pure perfection. The sounds he made as I kissed along his supple skin, deep and throaty, especially when I nibbled on that collarbone that had been haunting my vision.
There was no doubt he was a man, so I couldn’t even use that excuse to explain why I’d been so turned on by him or why I was freaking out so much about this.
I had plenty of friends in New York who were gay, bi, and any other variation of the rainbow. Being anything but hetero was practically the norm in the big city, but I guessed I never thought I would be attracted to a man when I didn’t feel any particular way after that one kiss with my coworker.
But kissing Levi was on a whole other level than that awkward kiss had been. It was a kiss I melted into, craved more of, more of him. And as soon as I’d realized that, I pulled back. I had to.
It was a whole complexity of emotions that I had a hard time navigating, so I called up my best friend.
There were a couple of hours before I needed to head to the B&B to start the breakfast shift and Levi wasn’t home, so now was the perfect time to talk to someone to work out what I was going through.
Casey picked up on the first ring, despite it being early enough for the chickens not to be up yet. “Hey, man,” he answered, sounding too chipper for someone who’d just gotten up. Sometimes I wondered if the man ever slept. “How’s the small-town life treating you?”
I laughed. It was nice to hear his voice for the first time since I’d arrived. We weren’t the type of friends who kept up with our day-to-day life, but I knew Casey was someone I could count on the day he’d stood up for me against our manager back when I was bussing and Casey was waiting tables.
We’d only worked together for a year before he quit and got a degree in culinary arts, but we’d kept in touch and ended up getting closer than when we had worked together.
“It’s so slow here, but I’m starting to see the appeal in that.”
“Oh shit. Is our boy converting? Don’t tell me you’re leaving me and the big city behind to live in that farm town,” Casey joked.
“Fuck you. It may be a small town, but there’s no farming being done around these parts…at least I don’t think,” I said with a laugh.
Casey chuckled too. “So, what’s up? Did something happen?” he asked.
“Maybe I just wanted to call and see how my best friend’s been doing?” I retorted, though I knew he wouldn’t buy that bullshit, and I was proven right with his snort in reply.
We were never the type of friends to call to check up on each other. It was usually through text or we’d make plans to hang out.
I blew out a breath of air, knowing it was pointless to keep delaying, especially when I’d called Casey to talk about this. But the feelings were already confusing without saying them out loud, and I felt like if I did speak them aloud, it’d make them all too real.
So, I started with the facts that couldn’t be denied. “I kissed a guy.”
“No shit? Wow, good for you, man,” Casey replied with a laugh. I wasn’t afraid of telling him because I knew he wouldn’t judge me. Casey was a free-love type of guy and didn’t discriminate who he dated based on gender. “So I’m guessing if you’re calling me, that means you liked it a lot more than you thought you would, huh? More than that one time with the hot mustache dude?”
Mustache dude was the coworker I’d drunkenly kissed that one time and had told Casey about. He’d teased me about being so picky since hot mustache dude was a ‘solid ten’ in his words.
“Yeah, I did,” I answered. It felt almost relieving to admit it out loud for the first time. “I did. A lot.”
He replied with another lighthearted laugh. “ Congrats! Welcome to the rainbow,” he teased. “I’m guessing you like the guy, so what’s the issue? Wait, if he’s underage, and that’s why you’re all twisted up about this, then I don’t want to know. I don’t condone that shit.”
“What? Fuck, no! Levi’s my age, man. Do you really think I’d do something like that?” I said with horror.
“Just gotta make sure,” Casey replied, sounding light-hearted again. “So he’s legal, you’re legal…what’s the problem?”
“The problem is, I don’t have time for this. The six months here are supposed to focus on advancing my career, making a name for myself. This is not the time to be discovering my sexuality and…and the guy’s my boss and I live with him.” My voice went quieter at the last part.
Casey barked out a laugh, and I could practically hear him shaking his head. “You never do things the easy way, do you?”
“My life started in hard mode. Figured I may as well keep it up,” I joked, but Casey didn’t laugh.
He was quiet for a moment before saying, “Andy, you know you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You can let yourself be happy. You deserve to be happy.”
His words settled in the silence. It wasn’t the first time he’d told me this, and I gave him the same answer as I always did. “I’ll be happy in my penthouse, drinking to all the awards I’ve won and reading about myself in those prestigious magazines.”
I didn’t need to be a mind reader to know that Casey was shaking his head again. “Well, obviously something has changed if you’re calling me about some person you had a fling with. How long have we known each other? And not once have you ever questioned being with someone. So I have to ask, why now? Why him?”
I thought about Casey’s question. It was true. I’d never been so conflicted about someone before. In the past, if I was interested in them, I’d go for it. And if being with them conflicted with my interest, then it was never a hardship to end things.
But with Levi…
Without realizing it, I’d started liking Levi a lot more than what was allowed for someone working for him. I’d gotten lost in him. That must be why it was so hard to let him go. And that was much too dangerous when I had a goal to reach.
I knew what I had to do, so I thanked Casey for clearing the fuzz in my head. He sounded skeptical when I told him I’d worked it out and made a snide comment, betting that I wouldn’t return to New York.
Well, fuck him very much. He wasn’t funny at all.
I had big dreams that didn’t align with the small-town life. White picket fence with a husband and two-point-five kids? That wasn’t anywhere in my future of a penthouse with the view and all the luxuries the city had to offer at my fingertips.
So even if I had hurt Levi by pretending that beautiful, delicious kiss hadn’t happened, it was for the best. We both needed to move on, and that was what I kept telling myself even a week later.
I focused back on plating the finished order and rang the bell for Julie to deliver the food. More people had stayed to have dinner at the B&B. I liked to think it was because of the reputation of my fantastic food.
It was cocky, but it was hard not to be when I was getting as many compliments for my food as I did. It wasn’t something I was used to back in the city, but it was very welcome.
Julie popped into the kitchen, long blond hair tied back in a neat bun, and a pearly white smile shot my way as she loaded her tray with the prepared plates and carried them away with a sway of her hips.
Julie was hot—exactly my type, in fact. But I couldn’t even enjoy the show she was putting on for me. My mind kept returning to the slim waist and tight abs of the man who had been pushed under me.
I waved my hand, thinking it might dispel images of a very sexy Levi lying under me. It didn’t. In fact, I almost thought my imagining of the man had become so intense that I’d somehow caused him to materialize in front of me. When I reached out to touch him, my hand was met with warm skin that had me jolting back.
“Sorry,” I said and tried to pretend like I hadn’t overreacted just now, because why not? I was apparently the king of pretending these days. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
I hadn’t really talked to him since that night, which wasn’t abnormal. He was a busy man, and even before kissing him, catching sight of him was a rarity. But in the period that I hadn’t seen him, he seemed to have gotten even more handsome. More glowy , if that was even possible.
Levi’s face was harder now, so unlike the openness I’d gotten used to since knowing him. My nails dug into my skin, hating that I’d been the one to do that to him.
His fingers curled around the base of the sweater he wore today. It wasn’t big like the one he’d worn that night, but fit him light a glove and accentuated his trim waist and curves.
I forced myself to look at his face instead of continuing to check him out. He looked good, if not a bit guarded, but good.
Now that he was here in front of me, I knew I couldn’t keep chickening out. He deserved a proper apology, and maybe I couldn’t explain why I acted the way I had, but an apology I could do. “Listen, I actually wanted to talk to you about?—”
Levi held his hand up, cutting off the rest of my words. I obediently shut my mouth. His plump bottom lip snagged under his teeth before loosening again. I tried forcing my eyes away from those delectable lips, I really did, but it was painfully obvious that I’d failed when Levi cleared his throat to catch my attention.
He had a brow raised and a hand on his hip. He obviously knew what I’d been staring at, but instead of accusing me of being the hypocrite I was, of wanting him but pushing him away, he said, “My friends and I are heading to the club tonight. If you’re free, do you want to come? As my wingman?”
Levi shifted on his feet, looking both nervous and another emotion that I couldn’t grasp. Meanwhile, the ground felt unsteady under me.
Being Levi’s wingman was the last thing I wanted to do right now, but I couldn’t very well refuse him without a good reason when I’d said I’d help him. I was enough of a jerk already without going back on my word.
So I held my tongue—and my feelings—and nodded. Levi replied with a casual “Good,” before leaving me alone in the kitchen. The room was still warm from the oven, but the chill still crept under my skin.
I threw myself into cooking, finishing up the orders for the night, then scrubbed every pot and pan until they were sparkling to try to get my mind off of tonight, but it was useless.
Images of Levi’s sexy body grinding up against someone else’s on the dance floor left me feeling a tiny bit confused and a whole lot hollow. I didn’t want him to go to the club tonight, nor did I want to be his wingman.
Maybe this would be a good thing. It wasn’t like anything could happen between Levi and me. We needed to keep a strict, professional relationship, and okay, that might have veered a little bit off track, but I was sure we could salvage this. And the first step was to be the damn best wingman the world had ever seen.
That was the plan I’d been so determined to follow, but all my perseverance flew out the window when I returned home to find Levi already dressed for a night out.
If I thought the pants he wore on our date were tight, they had nothing on the leather ones he wore tonight. They were practically a second skin on his long legs. And his top—if it could even be called that—was a black, sparkly mesh material that left nothing to the imagination.
His chest was hairless with just the hint of an expanse of delicious skin. Each hard ridge of his defined abs was out for the world to admire. And those tight brown nips peeking through his shirt had my mouth feeling both dry and watery at the same time.
Levi caught me staring—of course he did. I wasn’t being subtle about it. And like earlier, he didn’t comment on it, though a part of me wished he did. Maybe if he had, I could have convinced him to change into something less revealing.
A winter parka would be perfect, in my opinion.
Better yet, I’d convince him going out was a terrible idea altogether and that it would be much better to stay in and finish watching the movie about his favorite spooky family. Instead, I kept quiet.
“Austin and Jim will be here to pick us up soon. You better get ready,” he said in that same tone of careful indifference.
I hated how closed off he was right now. It was so different from the animated Levi I’d gotten used to. Whether it was when he was delighted or even pissed off at me, it was better than this solid barrier he’d put up between us.
I made a quick sound of confirmation, then escaped to my bathroom to take the hottest shower of my life, hoping the water could burn away some of the ache that had settled around the edge of my heart.
I didn’t feel any better after the shower and numbly dressed in a pair of jeans and a button-up I thought were good enough for tonight. I left the top two buttons undone, copying the way Levi had it the night we went out to dinner, but it didn’t look the same on me.
Pushing my hand through my hair, I let my bangs fall and styled them until they framed my face. This was as good as it was getting, so I spritzed on somecologne and exited my room.
Levi was sitting on the couch playing on his phone when I came out. He looked up when I entered, standing as he slid his phone into his pocket
I was shocked to learn those skin-tight pants even had pockets.
“You look, um, you look good,” he rasped out.
His compliment re-lit the fire in my soul. I stood a bit straighter, smiling a real smile for the first time in what felt like forever.
“Thanks,” I replied. “You too. You look…”
Mouthwatering. Bewitching. So damn beautiful I don’t want anyone else’s eyes on you .
“…stunning,” was what I ended up saying. It seemed the least incriminating of the adjectives that floated around in the front of my mind when I looked at him.
Levi’s gaze fell to the floor, and a sweet-looking pink crawled up his neck as he murmured a soft ‘ Thanks .’ His hands played with the loose thread at the base of that mesh shirt.
I wondered if I pulled on it, and kept pulling, would it unravel the entire shirt until he was forced to change into something else?
Though before I could get an answer to that question, the sound of a car horn jolted the both of us out of the moment.
“That must be Austin and Jim. You ready?” Levi asked. I wanted to tell him I wasn’t but nodded instead. We shrugged into our jackets by the door and headed to the truck parked outside .
Jim and Austin greeted me warmly, like they hadn’t been told about what had happened between Levi and me. I was honestly surprised Levi hadn’t bitched about me to his friends. I would have completely deserved it, and the fact he hadn’t showed, once again, the kind of person Levi was. The kind of person I’d hurt.
And that made me hate myself just a little bit more than I already did.