Chapter 22
Fredrik
Stay.
Of all the things I wanted to tell her, that one word hovered on my lips, desperate to be released. I needed her to stay. The thought of her finishing that temporary job and sailing away was so painful that I had to push it out of my mind.
We barely knew each other, and getting this attached wasn’t going to end well for me. Jackson could sleep with someone and move on. I couldn’t, which was why I didn’t.
The aftereffects of the best sex of my life lingered, making it harder to see reality for what it was. She didn’t want to see it either, clinging to me like she was already saying goodbye, climbing on board that ship.
“My wife died,” I said.
Her eyes flipped open. “I figured.”
“But that’s not the whole story.”
She nodded, lips pressed together like she was holding back a flood of words. I stroked my thumb over them. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you, and you can ask all the questions. Whatever pops into that wild, beautiful head.” I tapped her temple, and her face relaxed a little.
“I’m so scared I’ll offend you.”
“Go ahead. It’s not the end of the world.”
I closed the sauna door, and we climbed onto the top bench.
I threw some water onto the stones, and she moaned, inhaling the hot steam with her eyes closed.
Maybe it took her back to her childhood.
I’d ruin her mood with my story, but I had to get it off my chest. She needed to know, even if I risked her running away for good.
“My wife didn’t like living here. We lived by the harbor back then, but she didn’t like Hideaway.
There wasn’t enough going on. She put a lot of effort into her clothes and hair and makeup, and there weren’t that many people to show it off to.
She was beautiful. I think she needed a bigger audience.
So we’d go to Bangor or farther. She loved the theater and figure skating. And shopping.”
“She bought those shoes!” Noelle clamped her mouth, looking mortified. “Ignore me.”
“You’re right. She bought me clothes and dressed me up.
I went along with it, but I never felt like myself.
Then my grandpa broke his leg, and I spent a lot of time taking care of him at his house.
My grandma had died a few years earlier, and he lives in a cabin outside town.
Elora hated going there, so she went out with friends while I hung out with my grandpa and his brother, Glenn, who used to own the bookstore.
He would come over to help, and we’d talk about books.
They were very different. My grandpa was a fisherman, just like my dad.
Between them, they’ve probably read two books, and they’re proud of it. ”
“Really? I thought you’d come from a long line of academics or aristocrats or something.”
I had to laugh. “Definitely not.”
“But this house… I thought it was a family place. I saw black-and-white photos of guys who totally look like your ancestors.”
She must have taken a thorough tour of my house while I slept. My heart skipped at the thought. She wanted to know me.
“It is a family place. It used to belong to my great-uncle Glenn. He was a reader and a businessman. He got wealthy but never married. There was a rumor he was gay, but he never came out, so I don’t know. He was private but very smart. We always talked about books.”
“What happened to him?”
“He died suddenly. He just fell down and never got up. I found him two days later.”
“That’s horrible!”
I nodded. “Glenn was old, but it happened so suddenly. Then I found out he’d left me this house and his bookstore.
I inherited everything. Until then, we’d been renting a two-bedroom apartment in town.
I worked for the family business, handling the books and assisting on fishing trips.
My dad expected me to take the reins. I went to college and got my useless English degree, to “get it out of my system,” like he said.
That’s where I met Elora. I think she had a romanticized idea of being a fisherman’s wife in a remote coastal town, but then the reality hit, and she wanted out. ”
“You go out for days, don’t you? For lobsters.”
“Yeah. It’s pretty brutal. To be fair, I didn’t want that life either. But I liked being back here. It’s home. And I had Glenn and his bookstore, and I spent my spare time there. I never thought I’d inherit it. It didn’t even cross my mind.”
“That’s wild! You have one person in town who gets you, and they suddenly die, and you inherit everything they owned.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “I’d rather have someone who gets me than all their stuff. Every time.”
“Me too,” she said, her voice breaking a little.
The heat was evaporating, so I ladled more water on the stones.
Noelle fetched the bundle of birch branches from the changing room floor and heated it over the stove.
I took it from her and gently whacked her back with it.
She did the same for me, sending a shock wave down my spine. The smell transported me to the summer.
“The money made everything worse,” I continued. “Elora wanted to move. She wanted us to sell the bookstore and the house and buy a fancy apartment in Bangor, on Broadway. That last summer, we went to so many open houses.”
“Spencer had a place there! I can’t imagine you…”
“Neither could I.”
“So you found fault with everything?” she guessed.
Did she really know me that well? I nodded.
We sat for a while, breathing through the puff of hot steam. The piles of fresh snow behind the small window were starting to look more and more appealing.
“How did she die?”
The question jolted me. Not because it was insensitive, but because I hadn’t landed on an answer that felt true. “She had an aneurysm. It was sudden, just like Glenn. Except she was healthy.”
“I’m sorry.”
“We’d been fighting, and she ran off to Bangor. I thought she was seeing someone there, but I never found out. I accused her of cheating. I yelled at her, and she stormed out. And then I heard a crash. She’d lost consciousness and driven into the gate.”
“That’s awful! That’s like someone destroying a book you were reading.” She stared at the stove. “Like being in the middle of a story and you’re holding the only copy, and then poof! It’s gone, and you’ll never find out how it ends.”
I’d gotten condolences up the wazoo and heard every platitude under the sun, yet nobody had come close to voicing my pain. I hadn’t told them the whole story, either. You weren’t supposed to speak ill of the dead.
“That’s exactly how it feels.”
She placed her hand on my thigh. We were both covered in sweat now, our faces red from the hot air and steam. “Did you ever try to find out? About the cheating?”
“No. She died the perfect wife. What kind of monster takes that away from someone who can’t even defend themselves? And I might have been wrong.”
“Did anyone strange come to the funeral?”
A sad smile broke through my inner turmoil. “I didn’t notice anyone, but I wasn’t looking, either.”
Noelle huffed. “You deserve closure! People shouldn’t be allowed to die like that and leave all these questions behind. It’s not right.”
“How would you avoid that? You’d have to die immediately after writing a tell-all memoir.”
“But you shouldn’t have so many secrets!” She sounded so offended on my behalf that I almost laughed.
“People die and take things to their grave all the time.”
“But…”
I leaned my shoulder against hers, feeling lighter. “I’m sure this would be even harder on someone as curious as you.”
She buried her face in her hands. “I’m being a total ass right now. I’m sorry. My condolences! But I was expecting a sad story, not this… injustice.”
“It is a sad story,” I said. “About me.”
It was a sad story of how time had stopped for me.
How hard it was to try anything. To believe in anything.
How I’d become this shell of a man who hid from the world and all the extravagant things that reminded me of Elora.
She wasn’t here to dress me up and drag me outside, so I never left the house.
She wasn’t here to tell me how she thought we should spend the money, so I never spent a dime, except on renovations.
To honor Glenn by looking after his property.
But when it came to what I wanted, I couldn’t take action.
It felt as if my assets had been frozen because our fight was left unresolved.
“I caused it.” The words tumbled out like bubbles rising underwater. “I made her so upset that she burst a blood vessel. She was so angry.”
She frowned at me. “It’s like you’re desperate to take the blame.”
“It’s true. Anger can spike blood pressure, and that can cause an aneurysm.”
“What were you supposed to do? Let her carry on cheating because she might otherwise burst a blood vessel? Did you know she was at high risk?”
“No. Nobody did.”
She shook her head, staring at the sauna stove. “You can’t take the blame for that.”
“You have no idea what I’m able to blame myself for,” I muttered.
I was so hot now that sweat was dripping from my eyebrows.
“You feel like rolling in the snow?” I asked.
She followed me into the changing room. I cracked the door leading outside, making sure no one was in sight.
My evergreen hedge was tall and thick, blocking the view to the neighbors’ backyards, but there was a tiny chance someone, like my sister or Jackson, had come for a visit.
Apparently, my lack of communication occasionally led them to worry that I’d died, so they ventured over uninvited.
The backyard looked empty and quiet, covered in a shiny new layer of snow. I opened the door fully, and Noelle yelped behind me.
“Oh my God, it’s arctic. I’ve only ever gone from the sauna to the lake in the summer.”
“The trick is to be quick.” I drew a breath and summoned my courage. “Especially you, with your toes and fingers that turn white.”
It seemed, with her watching, I had a lot more courage. I launched myself into the nearest bank of snow, rolling over. The cold hit me like an electric shock, but I sat up, forcing a smile. “It’s actually refreshing.”
Standing in the doorway, naked, her skin glowing pink and her eyes huge, she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. “I’m a bit scared.”
I wasn’t feeling the cold quite yet, but I knew it was only a few seconds away. I stood, shaking off clumps of melting snow, and reached out my hand to her. She took it, and I pulled her closer, against my chest.
“You feel nice and cool,” she whispered, her breath erupting in clouds of steam. “Can I just roll around on you?”
“Sure.”
I was feeling the cold now, but I didn’t care. I could tell she wanted to be brave. I led us to another bank of snow.
“I’ll lie down first,” I said, trying to figure out the best way to ease her in, but she wasn’t having it.
“No, I have to just… take a leap.”
Noelle drew a breath, closed her eyes, and jumped. At first, she nearly disappeared into the snow, thrashing and squealing. It took me a moment to realize she wasn’t excited. She was panicking, struggling to get up. Without thinking, I jumped in, grabbed her by the waist, and yanked her up.
“That was awful,” she said, panting and shivering. “I feel like I’m dying.”
She clung to me as we walked back into the sauna. Her skin felt freezing against mine. How could anyone get so cold in such a short time?
“This thing you have… the way your fingers and toes looked last night. It’s pretty severe, isn’t it?” I asked, rubbing her back as we sat on the highest bench and threw more water onto the stones.
She sounded close to tears. “Yeah. It’s called Raynaud’s. It messes with the circulation in my hands and feet. I get cold easily, and it hurts so much. It feels like I’m being stabbed. My fingers and toes go white, and I have to spend a long time warming up.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry. And I don’t want to be a wuss.”
“You’re not. You’re incredibly brave.”
I would have never described being cold the way she did. Something dawned on me. “You must have been in a lot of pain last night?”
“That’s just what cold feels like. I think I’m more suited to warmer climates.” She tried to smile.
“No kidding.”
“But I like the sauna. Here I can finally get warm.”
I threw more water onto the stones and pulled her closer. It was stiflingly hot in the sauna now, but her skin still felt cold and clammy. “I promise I’ll never ask you to do that again.”
“It’s okay. I can take the pain.”
“But I don’t want to cause you pain. I want to heat the sauna and keep the fire going and make sure you’re okay, always.”
The words rushed out with more meaning than I’d intended, but I didn’t want to take them back. Instead, I held her tighter, hot steam burning my lungs.
I was falling for a woman whose body couldn’t even take the climate in the place I called home. It was like bringing home an exotic plant I had no idea how to care for. What if she wilted and died like every other plant I’d ever had?
“You grew up in Bangor, right?”
“It’s ironic, isn’t it? I should have been born in the Caribbean!” She rubbed her legs. “That’s one reason I loved working on the cruise ship. Everyone would be complaining about the heat, but I mostly enjoyed the lack of pain.”
“So… you’re going back?” I held my breath, feeling like the biggest fool.
Was I expecting her to change her plans because we’d seen each other naked? Because we’d had mind-blowing sex? And why was I assuming it had been mind-blowing for her? We’d both been in desperate need, I knew that. But it didn’t mean she was moving in for good.
She looked up, her eyes glowing with hope and sadness and something else. I couldn’t read them. I had to wait for the words.
So I waited, with my heart in my throat.