Chapter 25
Noelle
Icrawled out of the cupboard, feeling like a fool.
There was nothing going on between us?
My brain knew he was protecting our privacy, but my heart whined in protest. Did he have to say it with that much gusto? The craziest thing was that I already liked his mom. She sounded fun.
Bracing my sore back, I tiptoed out of the kitchen. I would have loved this floor plan as a kid because it allowed you to run laps around it. If Fredrik kept his mom in the renovated downstairs bathroom, I could sneak around the other way and go upstairs.
I remembered the stairs being a bit squeaky, so I climbed them, hugging the wall and holding my breath until I made it to the farthest bedroom upstairs.
Holy shit, it was cold! I was starting to agree with Fredrik’s mom.
He really needed to turn on some heaters.
The house was too large to stay warm with one fireplace.
After a moment of hopping around and rubbing my arms to keep warm, I heard the front door close, then Fredrik’s footsteps on the stairs.
“She’s gone,” he informed me from the doorway. “Come down and sit by the fire.”
I followed him back to the living room and sat on the floor by the fire. He joined me, his knee touching mine.
“I locked the door, by the way,” he said. “In case someone else decides to barge in.”
“It’s okay. Your mom sounds nice.”
He looked surprised. “Oh. Yeah, she’s nice, but not great with boundaries. I’m sorry she dragged you into it.”
“I thought it was cute! She wants us to hook up.”
“Hook up?” He looked amused. “If she knew what was happening here, she’d be planning a wedding.”
His words took the air out of my lungs, and I fought to push down the immediate panic.
This wasn’t the Alford family. This wasn’t Spencer.
It wouldn’t go like that. This time, I’d listen to myself and stay in control.
I’d enjoy every minute of this extended harbor stay, but I was just visiting. And if I was just visiting, I was safe.
“I feel like I shouldn’t have said the word wedding,” he said glumly. “Please ignore it. Ignore my family.”
I stared into the flames, letting the warmth of the fire seep in. I had to lighten up. I’d seduced him, and we’d had a good time. Why was I making this into more than it was? We could have a fun holiday fling and leave it at that.
I got up. “Should we make lunch?”
I searched his kitchen for anything to cook with and found some eggs, powdered milk and a bag of flour.
“Pancakes or crepes?” I asked.
“You can make both?” He’d joined me at the kitchen island, and his gaze followed my every move.
“Of course! I like crepes with butter and cinnamon.”
“I think I have cinnamon. Does it go bad?”
I shrugged. “Don’t think so, if it’s in a sealed bag.”
“Use whatever you can find.” He gestured to the kitchen. “Maybe I’ll go out and split the rest of the firewood. I got a couple of felled trees from my grandpa’s property last week.” He nodded at the back door.
“Sure, go ahead!”
I felt a little more relaxed without him hanging around.
Without all the hot topics I wasn’t ready to touch.
We were playing house. His kitchen was so lovely and spacious.
A little low on baking supplies and dishes, but I could easily fix that.
As I mixed batter and heated his frying pan, I daydreamed about all the ways I could improve the space.
How I could make it homier. More colorful. More functional.
Stop. It’s not your kitchen.
“Smells amazing!” he called from the door as I was setting the table.
My heart swelled at the praise and the sheer domestic bliss, with the sweet smell of butter and cinnamon saturating the air. How amazing it would be to live like this with someone like him. Someone who looked at me like that, eyes soft with adoration.
Fredrik took off his winter coat and approached me, his arms outstretched. My brain rang little warning bells, but my body was faster, crashing into the warmth of his chest. He was so solid, holding me tight like nothing could get to me.
“You know what I’ve always wanted to do?” I pulled away with a cheeky smile. “The jump!”
“What’s that?”
“You know… running into someone’s arms, and they catch you in a spin. Like in The Notebook or Dirty Dancing or maybe it’s more of a koala hold because I’m not much of a dancer. And I might be too heavy.”
“No, you’re not. Let’s go.”
He took a step back and spread his arms, his mouth pulling into a lopsided smile.
I backed all the way to the far wall, then ran and jumped into his arms, wrapping my legs around his body.
He caught me in a kiss, holding me off the floor, spinning us around until I felt dizzy, and the kiss dissolved into laughter.
“You’re really playing into my housewife fantasy right now,” I said, giggling into his chest as he lowered my feet to the floor.
“I thought it was my fantasy.” His voice was thick.
“Can we play house for the day and not talk about the future?” I asked, my face still nuzzled into his shirt, my every nerve soothed by his steady heartbeat.
I wasn’t asking him. I was asking myself. Could I, for once, suppress that part of my brain that sputtered dangerous, half-cooked thoughts and enjoy the moment? Especially as we were on borrowed time.
“Okay.” His voice held a hint of sadness as he stroked my hair, placing a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s play house.”
We ate and cleaned up, then got dressed and pushed the snow off his property, getting so sweaty that we had to shower again.
Two hours later, we were snuggled up on his couch, watching The Pelican Brief.
“I can’t believe you have a VHS player,” I said when the movie stopped for an ad break. An actual ad break from fifteen years ago, featuring Cadbury’s drumming gorilla ad. “And I can’t believe you’ve recorded this off the TV.”
Fredrik laughed. “I know. When Uncle Glenn gave me this player, everyone else was updating from DVD to Blu-ray. My parents had thrown out their VHS player a long time ago, but I kept my tapes. Everyone thought I was nuts.”
“You like well-worn things,” I said matter-of-factly. “I get it. A tape that’s been used many times has these little imperfections.” I pointed at the distortion on the edge of the image. “No two copies are the same. Each has its own unique damage. Like a signature.”
He shook his head, looking at me all soft and funny. “You make it sound a lot better than my high school classmates. But you’re right. I think that’s what makes us truly unique. The damages we take. It’s a lovely way of looking at the trauma and hang-ups.”
“Are you still hung up on Elora?” The question slipped out, and I tensed. This was exactly what I was not supposed to talk about. The heavy stuff.
Fredrik didn’t seem tense. He leaned back, arms behind his head. “No. I mean, she’s gone. There’s nothing to hang on to. But I still couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else. Not until I met you.”
My heart did a little flip and a jump. This was my fault. I’d opened the door to a conversation I couldn’t handle. “We’ve only just met.”
He sat up, paused the movie, and took my hands in his.
My heart pounded so loudly I could barely hear his soft voice.
“You woke me from a coma. I was existing, not living. I saw no future ahead of me. You’ve changed everything, Noelle.
This isn’t a fling for me. It’s not an affair or a bit of fun.
Maybe it is that for you?” His eyes glossed.
“You’ve satisfied your curiosity. But for me, this is huge. ”
My throat clogged up with tears, too. I’d end up hurting him so much. I’d end up hurting myself. “It is huge! I wasn’t expecting or planning or… I don’t know what to do with this. I love being here with you. I love everything about today. But I’m scared.”
His grip on my hands tightened. “What can we not conquer? When you find someone who makes you feel alive, you do anything, right?”
Panic joined the swelling sensations in my chest. I wanted to give him everything. But I’d end up giving him the other side of me, too. The weird looks and the rumors. All the unfinished business. The shame.
“Do you really want the whole town knowing about us, though?”
Doing anything in public wasn’t his thing. Maybe that was our common ground.
His eyes glazed with defiance. “You don’t want to be seen with me?”
“Of course I do! But I thought it might be nice to keep this between us, at least for a little while before we let the whole town in. It’s a bit overwhelming, and I still don’t know what my future holds. I don’t have a job here beyond the holidays, and I don’t—”
“You can stay if you want to! Stay with me. It’s not a problem.”
His gaze was boring holes into me. I looked away. “I can’t mooch off you for everything! I can’t be a charity case. I dropped out of college. Working on the cruise lines is the only real job experience I have. I’m good at it. When I’m out there, I’m safe and relaxed and not worrying…”
He dropped my hands and stood, his tone sharper. “Do you really like it that much? Being constantly on the move and wearing the same uniform every day? I’ve seen you get excited about so many things here. Either you’re lying to yourself or you’re lying to me!”
“About what?” I asked in a small voice.
“I think you want to stay and build a home. Be known. Be loved. Wear your outrageous colors and do your crafts. Be yourself.”
I don’t deserve that.
I wanted everything he described so badly my heart ached, but that nagging voice was like a pin that pricked my ballooning dreams. I couldn’t fall in love like nothing had happened. I’d already failed at it and hurt everyone.
I pulled my knees to my chest, gazing up at his looming height. “I can be myself on the ship. My home fits into a suitcase. I’m fine.”
His eyes filled with disappointment. “You’re still lying.”
“Spencer is looking for me,” I countered. “If he wants revenge, I don’t want you or anyone else caught in the crosshairs.”
At least that was true.
“I don’t care if he shows up! I’m not scared of him. You’ve built this guy into some demigod and live your life around avoiding him. That’s never going to work. You need to confront him. Get it over with. We can drive there right now!”
He pulled his car keys out of his pocket and looked at me expectantly, like he’d suggested a fun road trip.
“What?” My heart thumped so hard that I felt dizzy.
He was right, yet I knew with deep certainty that I couldn’t do it. Not yet. I hadn’t just humiliated Spencer. I’d humiliated my own family. Everyone.
If I went back…
“I can’t, Fredrik. I’m sorry,” I finally said, hugging my legs so tightly it hurt.
He groaned, sagging back onto the couch, fingers rubbing his forehead. “Okay. Okay.”
We sat there for a moment, catching our breath and trying to see a way forward.
Finally, he stood. “Get your coat. I’ll drive you back to the store.”
“You’re kicking me out?” Tears ran down my cheeks.
I’d lost him. I hadn’t been brave enough. And now the perfect day was over.
“I can’t get involved with someone who’s not available. I’m not looking for a hookup. If I was, I’d go to Bangor with Jackson or something. I can’t…” I saw the pain in his eyes.
I forced myself up from the couch. “Thank you for rescuing me. Thank you for the sauna. For playing house. I’ll never forget you.”
Then I gathered my things and followed him to the door, my legs shaking so much I could barely walk.