Chapter 29
Jake
The reindeer were trained for pulling sleighs, and we were ready to get on our way after we got them harnessed to ours.
All of us guys, Mark and John included, piled into the bright red Santa sleigh, and we set off to the Gersbach family Christmas tree farm to hunt for the perfect Christmas tree to cut down.
We were reenacting Over the River and Through the Woods, and honestly, it was cold as fuck out here; however, as with everything else we’d planned to the tune of a Christmas song, my discomfort was easily overlooked because of the discomfort my brother and Spence were experiencing.
The highlight was that my father-in-law and son were in spectacular spirits, which was driving my chipper mood—that and the fact that it was Christmas Eve, after all.
Collin and I sat in the front with John between us, and I had to hand it to Collin: he was pretty impressive in his skills for guiding reindeer.
He maneuvered this rig like he was back home driving his Lamborghini.
It did help that the man grew up around horses as a kid, so I supposed that must’ve transferred to his knowledge about directing a six-reindeer sleigh.
He also sat with the reindeer handlers for a solid few hours, getting tips on how to do this, so I couldn’t give him too much credit.
“How deep into this forest are we going?” Jim questioned as Collin held the reins and guided the reindeer deeper into the woods.
“Until we find the perfect tree, Jimmy,” I turned back and cheerfully proclaimed to my brother.
I smirked at Jim, Spencer, and Mark, all bundled up like snow bunnies, wearing beanies, scarves, and mittens, all crammed into the second row of the sleigh, trying to keep warm.
“I’m freezing my balls off,” Spencer complained.
“There’s hot cocoa that Mom packed, Uncle Spence,” John answered.
I ruffled the top of John’s beanie, finding happiness by seeing how exciting this was for him.
“And once we get this enormous tree, which you two will no doubt demand we cut down, how exactly do you plan on getting it back to the house?” Jim challenged, wholly unamused by our endeavor.
“We’ll tie it to the sleigh and pull it back to the house like they did back in the day,” I confidently returned.
“Don’t you think that the poor reindeer will be pushed to their limits, dragging five and a half men and a tree through the snow all the way back to the house?” Spencer asked, trying to catch us fucking something up.
“That’s what they have the tarp for,” my father-in-law stated.
“Tarp?” Jim asked, taking his arrogant tone down a notch since he was speaking to Ash’s dad, who was currently as jolly as Old Saint Nick.
“Yeah. When the boys asked me how we could get the tree back to the house, I mentioned that if we wrap it in a tarp, it will help it slide smoothly over the snow,” Mark proudly proclaimed.
“So, you knew about this, Mark?” Spencer added.
“He found out the same time you two did,” Collin said, cracking the reins like Santa, leading the sleigh through the starry night sky on Christmas Eve. “We just hadn’t worked out that detail until right before we left. When Jake and I discussed it, Mark offered invaluable advice.”
“And I said it would be too heavy for the reindeer,” John added.
“Yeah, you did,” I smiled down at my son. “Hey, Collin, why don’t we let this kid take the reins for a minute or two?”
“Why the hell not?” Collin agreed. “Now, hold tight to the reins. You don’t want to lose them, or we’ll really be in trouble,” he advised my giddy son.
“How do I make them go faster?” John questioned like a chip off the old block when it came to cranking up the speed.
“We’re at a decent speed. If we go any faster, we’ll be too cold to cut down a tree,” Uncle Jim said from the back seat, trying not to be a dick but being a dick, nonetheless.
“I’m nice and toasty,” I said, knowing the faster the sleigh went as it cut smoothly through the snowy forest, the more uncomfortable my brother and Spence would be.
“You okay with going a little faster, Grandpa?” I glanced back at Mark, not wanting to subject an innocent man to the bullshit I was happily putting my brother and Spence through.
“I’m great. This is a hoot,” Mark chuckled.
“Then, let’s get these reindeer in another gear,” Collin said, smiling at me and knowing that Jim and Spence were probably ready to murder us in our sleep.
“Just give the reins a little smack. You don’t want to hurt them; you just need to tell them you want a little more,” he instructed John while placing his hand around John’s shoulder to keep him focused and steady.
“Christ almighty,” Jim grumbled when John snapped the reins softly, and the reindeer jolted into a faster prance.
“Shall we sing a carol?” Collin asked, knowing it would antagonize the living hell out of Jim and Spencer.
“Dashing through the snow…” John busted out in an excited laugh.
“In a one-horse open sleigh…” I laughed, not feeling so amused by the simplicity of life for too long.
I hadn’t thought about work, surgeries, or science all week. I’d been fully immersed in my plans to torture Jim and Spencer, and because I’d planned a Christmas-themed revenge plot, I was focused on the holiday more than I’d ever been.
Bringing in all these traditions and making everything we did relate to a Christmas song made this time memorable.
I was almost glad my brother and his idiot buddies tried their hand at fucking with me and Collin.
Because of their antics, I’d inadvertently become the King of Christmas, and I was thoroughly happy with that.
“Oh no,” John said when the sleigh unexpectedly dipped to one side while the reindeer continued at their fast pace.
“Here,” Collin said, taking the reins to stop them.
The sleigh dipped harder on my side, forcing me to grab the wooden rail to keep from falling out. Once Collin managed to stop the reindeer, we got out to check out the sleigh and quickly realized the snow went up to our knees.
“Snowshoes would’ve been something—”
“Relax, Jim,” I stopped his griping. “They’re behind you. I just didn’t think to strap them on before getting out to find out what happened.” I reached my hand up to him, “Give me a pair. They’re in that open area behind your seat.”
“Meh, I don’t know,” Jim said, eyeing me humorously. “Having you buried to your waist in the snow is something I find rather gratifying at the moment.”
“This is a sight I’ve been waiting to see all week,” Spence humorously added.
While Jim and Spence took joy in my predicament, Collin, Mark, and my son got the snowshoes from the back and placed them on to assess what happened with the sleigh.
“Goddammit. It looks like the runner broke loose,” Collin said.
“How did that happen?” I questioned, virtually stuck to my waist in the snow. “John wasn’t going that fast.”
“Well, we weren’t driving the sleigh on packed snow,” Mark offered. “So, it’s more of a chore for the reindeer.”
“Nice,” Spencer said. “Not only did you dipshits bring us out in unpacked snow, but you also made it more difficult for the poor reindeer.”
“Nice try, wise-ass,” I answered, still waiting for one of the assholes to give in and get me a set of damn snowshoes. “Reindeer are literally made for this shit.”
“Why because Santa uses them?” Jim mocked.
“Because their trainer told me so, dickwad,” I said. “These guys can pull up to three hundred pounds at an average speed of eight miles per hour. A single reindeer has been—”
“Whatever,” Jim cut me off. “I don’t need a lecture on reindeer facts. What I want to know is how we’re going to fix this problem while we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere?”
“It’s not going to be an easy fix,” Mark informed us. “We need to find a way to reattach the runner to the body of the sleigh, and from what I see, it’s going to need welding.”
“Fresh out of welding torches,” Collin said with a chuckle.
“Who’s got a phone?” Jim questioned.
This was when I knew Collin and I had bitten off more than we could chew.
“Yeah, about that…”
“Jacob?” my brother said in a commanding tone so deep that he sounded like our father.
“James?” I returned because, quite honestly, I had nothing else.
“Are you both going to sit here throwing around your government names, or are we going to devise a plan?” Mark questioned.
“The plan is this,” Collin said, looking back through the forest where there was nothing but our sled trail, which disappeared over the hillside we’d just come over. “Um—”
“Nothing like being broke down in the middle of the Alps on Christmas Eve with no one knowing where we are, and since both of you fuck-nuts have insisted we ditch our technology, we have no way to call for help,” Spencer added in a voice that matched Jim’s.
“What Christmas song do you boys have for us on this one?” Mark said, trying to douse the flames.
“I’ll be home for Christmas comes to my mind immediately,” Collin said, unaffected by our current state.
“Try again,” Jim smarted off. “Due to this unexpected turn of events, we most certainly will not be home for Christmas. Is there a song for that? Something about smartasses who get everyone stranded in the snow in the middle of nowhere with no rescue in sight?”
“Well, you wanted Jake and Collin to bring in Silent Night,” Mark chuckled at this inconvenient situation. “It looks like that’s about to become a reality.”
“That is very true,” Spencer added with a laugh.
Of course, Spencer wasn’t finding any of this humorous. His laugh was about Collin and me fucking up. Because of our hunger for revenge, Collin and I were responsible for being lost and stuck out here on Christmas Eve instead of happily bringing home the perfect Christmas tree in jolly spirits.
Goddammit. Why didn’t I just bring my fucking phone?