Chapter Thirteen
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A FTER THAT , she spent every day at his obstacle course. She would lift some weights, which she was dubious about being effective, considering she was only going to work with them for a week or so, and she only did a few reps at a time.
But he demonstrated the rope climb for her.
The first time he did it, she just about swallowed her tongue.
He was wearing shorts, which he at some point called Ranger Panties, and they were short .
She could see the edge of a scar on his left thigh, and she wanted to keep staring at it. Figure out exactly where it extended to. How bad it was, how deep.
But then she got distracted by the rest of his thighs. And the muscles.
And his butt.
He was so beautiful.
All of him.
When she was a girl, she had liked things like his square jaw, his blue eyes, the way his dark brown hair swooped gently away from his forehead. Now his hair was a bit too shaggy, and he had a beard.
And she liked it.
She appreciated things like his muscular thighs, and that they were a bit hairy.
He excited her in ways that were not juvenile.
Not at all.
He made her wish, just a little bit, that she knew more about sex.
And in fact, it made her want to educate herself, just a bit.
Which was what brought her to Quinn and Levi’s house later that day. She felt jittery and a little bit reluctant to reveal too much to her sister, but she and Quinn were close, and Quinn knew what it was like to get caught in Fia’s overprotective tractor beam.
She hadn’t liked it, and Rory had a feeling Quinn would take her side on this.
Not that she was going to have sex with Gideon. But she was maybe going to have sex. And looking at Gideon, and fixating on his thighs, had taught her that perhaps there were some things she maybe needed to get straight.
Not that she didn’t get sex, the mechanics of it and all.
It was just after her incident, she had been so embarrassed that she had avoided a lot of things that pertained to it.
“I was just about to make a sandwich,” said Quinn. “Do you want one?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I would love one. Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Quinn bustled for a second, and then turned, gripping the edge of the counter. “Does this have to do with Gideon?”
“How did you know?”
“Because, it was weird the way he showed up the other morning, and now I hear tell you’ve been over there every day since.”
“He’s helping me learn how to climb a rope.”
“He... What?” She looked at her with round confused eyes. “Is that a euphemism?”
“No, it’s not a euphemism . But I do have a date on Friday, and it is entirely possible that I will need knowledge beyond the euphemistic re: sex.”
“Rory...”
“I went with you to the bar. When we were considering maybe finding a guy. And I didn’t say anything to Fia. And I think that you owe me a courtesy.”
Quin looked defeated by this truth. “What courtesy? The sex talk?”
“I assume you and Levi have sex.”
Quinn went scarlet. “Yeah. A lot. But I don’t know that I want to...”
“ Please. I realize that I have ignored my own education. I went away to school, and some stuff happened, and I came back, because... Basically, I did try to kind of hook up with a guy and it blew up in my face, and I’ve never gotten over that. Because it just reminds me of all the other times in my life I haven’t been good enough. When I thought things were going to go a certain way and they didn’t, and I have to get over that. I’m moving to Boston. Who is going to want to have sex with a twenty-seven-year-old virgin? I ask you. I am on the shelf by any definition. I am a spinster. I am going to have to tell people that I’ve been a nun up until this point to make them think that at least I had a good reason. I wish I did. I wish I had a purity ring. Something that I could tell people that makes it sound like this was a choice and not an accident of my awkwardness.”
“Oh, Rory,” said Quinn. “I don’t... What do you need to know?”
“How bad does it hurt the first time?”
Quinn winced. “I mean, that depends.”
“On what?”
Quinn looked left, then right. “Dimensions.”
Rory blinked. “Like...a multiverse?”
“Not those dimensions. Physical dimensions.”
“Oh. Well. How big is—”
Quinn held up a hand, palm out. “No. One day I will be drunk enough to have that conversation, but I’m not drunk at all, and I am not telling you that.”
“Are we talking mini cucumber, eggplant...”
“ Nothing with the word mini in it, how about that.”
She thought about her future brother-in-law, who was handsome and tall, and it was probably a very good thing he was proportionate and not mini. “Good to know.”
“You know about sex,” Quinn said, exasperated. “I don’t understand why you’re acting like you need the talk.”
“You’re right. I do know about it. But everything I know feels textbook and clinical. Do you just... Do you just go for it? Or should you hang back or...”
“No guy is going to complain if you jump in with a blow job. Trust me. But you have to want to do it. You jump in because you’re enthusiastic. I don’t know who you’re going out with tomorrow, but it doesn’t sound to me like you want to have sex with them.”
She thought about Gideon’s thighs again. It certainly wasn’t the date with Mike that had gotten her worried about this.
“How do you know?” she asked.
“I know because if you wanted to have sex with the guy, then you wouldn’t be nervous like this. Because if it’s right, you know. Because when he kisses you, you don’t want to stop. Because passion overtakes everything. Better judgment and inexperience. That is the definition of enthusiastic consent. When your body is shouting yes and you don’t want to resist yourself. When your anxiety isn’t the most important thing. When the most important thing is having him. And if it’s not, don’t be with him.”
“I do so very much feel like I am letting down feminism in this world of sex positivity...”
“I don’t know. Sex positivity seems to be luring a lot of girls into crappy sex. They think they have to just because they went out with a guy. You don’t. Have sex with him because you can’t not. Because you think you’ll die if you don’t. But don’t have sex with anyone for any less than that.”
“That’s how it is with Levi?”
“Every time. I didn’t even like him. Or I wasn’t supposed to. But he overwhelmed me. He made me question all these things about myself, the way that I saw the world. What I thought was important. He taught me things about myself that I never could’ve learned on my own. I think that I did the same for him. We fit each other. Physically and emotionally. And when passion clicked with that, it was like I couldn’t even imagine not being with him. I wanted to throw all caution to the wind. I even absolutely and completely risked Fia’s rage.”
“We need to get our spinster aunt a man,” mused Rory.
Quinn chuckled. “I mean, agreed, but you’re going to Boston.”
She marinated on that. “I am going to Boston.”
“I’ll finish your sandwich now,” Quinn said.
It was turkey and mayo, which felt sort of inglorious after that sex conversation.
“Gideon is as hot as ever, isn’t he?” Quinn said.
“I don’t have a date with Gideon tomorrow,” she said.
“Why not, Rory?”
The question scraped her out. Made her chest feel sore and hollow.
“Well, I’m leaving, first of all.”
“Also true in context with whoever the guy you’re going out with is.”
“I guess. Except that guy is just that guy. And Gideon is Gideon. And he’s different. And it would be different.” She looked down at her sandwich.
“What are you doing exactly?”
“I’m trying to prove that I’m not the same person I was.”
“To who? And why? I love you. I have always loved you just the way you are. You are such a great and loyal sister. And you’re fun and you’re quirky. And I love hearing you talk about books, and movies, and your opinions on things. And I like the way you dress. And I don’t understand why you’ve let other people decide those things are bad.”
“You’re telling me you don’t have any insecurities?”
“Of course I do. But it never occurred to me not to be with the guy that I wanted because of them.”
“Like you said. It was undeniable, right?”
“Yes.”
“You were swept up?” She took a big bite of her sandwich.
“Yes.”
“There’s no sweeping up happening. He’s... He’s a mess. He’s a disaster cowboy. He is absolutely and completely not available. And even if he were, I’m leaving. And I guess that is the point. I don’t think he’s the kind of guy I could leave lightly. I’ve had feelings for him since I was in middle school.”
“You cannot have sex with another guy while you have feelings for Gideon.”
She stared at the turkey and mayo. It was very normal. This conversation wasn’t. “I’m going to have to. Because I’m going to have feelings for Gideon for the rest of my life. I just have always had them. And when I saw him standing there, I tried to pretend that I didn’t. And he was so different, he is so different. What the years have done to him is so cruel, and I still think he’s so beautiful. And he is so kind to me. He’s just always listened. That doesn’t equal attraction. I think I’m like a sister to him. And on top of that, Lydia is my best friend.”
She wished she could stuff those words back in. Not just so she could go back and have her sister not hear them, but so she wouldn’t have to sit there with them, either. They were too real. Too desperately true.
“Do you think Lydia would be mad?” Quinn asked.
She took another bite of her sandwich.
“No,” she said, considering. “But honestly, it’s just so far-fetched I can’t even wrap my head around what Lydia might or might not be. Anyway,” Rory continued. “I just wanted to ask some questions. Or maybe I just wanted to feel like I wasn’t by myself. Crazy. Because I feel very alone. You’re all with somebody, except Fia. But I don’t get the feeling that Fia is unaware of the realities of what happens between men and women.”
“No,” said Quinn. “I don’t think so. I have a feeling that Fia isn’t all that naive. But maybe that’s not the best thing.”
Rory nodded because she did feel like that was a deep truth.
“Do you ever wonder if she and Landry didn’t actually have a big breakup?” Quinn asked.
Rory frowned. “Oh. I... No, I hadn’t.”
“I didn’t, until recently. Until Levi. I thought that her hostility with Landry could only mean one thing. And now I’m not so sure. Because it doesn’t seem like a fun tension.”
“I figured he broke her heart.”
“It just seems like more than that to me. I figured they had sex in high school. Or didn’t. And they wanted it but it...seems way deeper than that.”
She didn’t know what to do now that this new thought had been introduced to her. Because she had to admit, it made her wonder.
But how could Fia keep that entirely to herself? The rest of them couldn’t keep any secrets.
She kept having to reevaluate things. Recast them. And it was making her wonder if her take on the world and herself was entirely accurate. Oh, she knew that her feelings were real enough. They always had been.
But she had to wonder if she put a little bit too much stock in the opinions of others.
Even while thinking she didn’t.
“Just promise me something, Rory,” said Quinn, as Rory finished her sandwich.
“What’s that?”
“Promise me that you’re not going to have sex just to have sex. Because I just feel like you’re rushing to something because you’re afraid of what you actually want.”
“I’m fine,” she said.
She shoved the last bite of sandwich in her mouth and stood up, hugging her sister. “You don’t need to worry about me. If I have sex with the wrong guy, I’ll get over it.”
“Yeah, all right. But is there a reason you’re planning to?”
“Maybe I want something bigger than passion. I need to prove something to myself.”
“Okay, Rory. I can appreciate that.”
“Anyway, my list only says kiss . So don’t worry. I can get a kiss and still make my goal.”
“There really is a list?” Quinn asked.
“Maybe.”
“Oh, Rory. You are a delightful little weirdo.”
The way Quinn said that made her feel not quite so bad. Made her feel like perhaps it was all okay. To be weird. She’d had the epiphany the other day that she was good with small groups.
But she would really like to be good with a crowd.
Do you? Or is it just how you imagine it would feel to be good with a crowd?
Well. Whatever.
She drove home, thinking about passion, and Jenga towers, and Gideon Payne’s thighs.
Somewhere in there, she felt like she could find the truth. She just wasn’t quite sure of all the particulars.