Chapter Fourteen
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
H E NEEDED A break from Rory. Some time to get his head on straight, and he wasn’t going to get it. Between the rope-climbing training and the upcoming hike, his world was pretty Rory-centric at the moment.
And you’re solving that by...taking her shopping?
Okay. Maybe he needed a break, but he was pretty consciously not taking one.
They were heading out to Mapleton to go to the outdoor store so they could find everything they needed.
That in and of itself would be kind of a trip.
She had her date tomorrow night. Fine.
Then the day after that they would go on the hike, and that would probably keep her from hooking up with that guy.
Gideon didn’t like the look of him.
If Rory had never been on a date before...
Well, that didn’t mean anything much about her sexual experience, he supposed.
She had to be twenty-seven. The idea that she might not have been with anybody seemed pretty ludicrous.
He got out of the car and walked up to the front door. Back when he’d picked her up from school, he never got inside. She had raced out the minute he pulled in, and that had been it. They’d driven away for school. But he figured since this wasn’t that kind of thing now, he might go to the door.
His footsteps seemed a little bit too heavy on the front steps. He felt like he was surrounded by metaphors he didn’t want to explore. So he didn’t. He just knocked on the door.
Fia answered. She was pretty; he’d noticed that the other day. Hell, he’d noticed it back then.
They were about the same age, and he’d seen her around town often enough. She was maybe a year behind in school but hadn’t gone to the high school in Mapleton.
“Hi, Gideon,” she said. “More time with Rory today?”
This must be what it was like to pick a girl up for a date and be confronted by an overprotective father.
He didn’t know because every father he’d ever dealt with had been thrilled to have him picking up their daughter.
Fia was clearly suspicious .
“Yeah. I’m taking her on a hike up to Grizzly Peak. So we’re going to get outfitted.”
“I heard that.” She was looking at him and there was a glint in her eye that was slightly feral. “It’s an overnight hike.”
“It is. This is what I’m planning on doing for my business. So we’re getting some practice in. Same kind of thing we’ve been doing out at the ranch this past week.”
Her eyes went narrow. “I just want to know what your intentions are with my sister.”
He felt like a bomb had detonated in his stomach—and he didn’t use that metaphor lightly, because he knew what it felt like when a bomb detonated.
“I intend to take her on a hike.”
And that was the truth. His intentions were not, nor would they be, to do anything about the burning attraction in his gut. Because that was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
“Okay. Rory is very sweet . And I feel protective of her. Because she has gotten this far without...without... Just please don’t hurt my sister.”
He thought of Rory’s beautiful freckled face. Her upturned nose and wide hazel eyes. That glorious red hair that made his fingers itch to touch it.
That smile that felt like it was for him.
The him he was now.
“I would never do anything to hurt anybody on purpose. But I am kind of a mess. The thing is, though, I know that. So. You can rest assured in that.”
“ Rest is a strong word,” she said.
“Whatever helps you,” he said.
“Fia,” came a very stern-sounding voice that he wouldn’t normally have associated with Rory.
“What?” Fia asked.
“Don’t be mean.”
“I’m not mean,” said Fia.
“Why don’t you go pick a fight with Landry?”
Fia looked flustered, and then stepped away, and Rory went past her. “I’m ready.”
“All right.”
“I promise to have her back by dark,” he said, trying to give Fia a convincing smile.
Instead she just looked exasperated.
“What was that?” Rory asked.
“I was being charming,” he said.
“Yeah, I should’ve warned you. My sister doesn’t find men all that charming.”
“Who’s Landry?”
“Landry King? He’s the son of one of the big families. They have some kind of history, but none of us know exactly what it is.”
“How can you keep secrets like that in a place this size?”
“Well, my sister is intimidating. So anyone who knows anything isn’t going to spill. She’s also very private. Fia has had to carry a lot. Since my parents left, she had to finish raising us. I don’t think it was the most comfortable thing on earth. She’s amazing. But it’s too much for one person. She shouldn’t have had to do all of that.”
“Yeah. That’s not fair.”
“It’s not.”
“I had such good parents,” he said when they got into his truck.
“I’m sorry about your dad,” she said. “Your parents really were wonderful. Are wonderful.”
“I was off doing my own thing. Chasing glory. And... I dunno. Sometimes I regret that. But I was away.”
“I think people make regrets out of anything they can when they lose somebody.”
He stared at her. “What gives you that idea?”
“I don’t know. All I feel is a wall of regret over things I didn’t do. I feel like Fia regrets Landry. Something she did do. I just think that whether you do the thing or you don’t, whether you were here or you weren’t, you find ways to second-guess your life. Especially when you find yourself unhappy with where you’re at.”
“That’s almost profound,” he said.
“Maybe it’s being in the front seat of a car with you. Reminds me of when I used to give my unsolicited opinion all the time.”
“Yeah, you did do that.”
He pulled out of the driveway and headed down the dirt road that would take them to the main highway.
“It was the only place I ever did that. Other than with your sister. I guess in some ways you two are the only people I’ve ever really said everything to.”
“Why me?” It suddenly seemed essential to know that. Why she had found it easy to talk to him. Why him? Because she had never idolized him. Not like everybody else. She had never treated him like he was more than human. So what was it about him that made her want to talk to him? Because maybe that thing was still in him. Because none of the hero stuff was. None of the legend stuff was. Maybe there was something he could grab onto.
“I just liked you,” she said, looking out the window.
“Because I was great at football?”
“I don’t care about football.”
“Oh. Was it the track, then?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
He looked at her, and at the same time she turned to face him. “It might’ve been your blue eyes. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this before, but they’re very...” She cleared her throat. “Well, they’re very blue. That was in the poem, Gideon, you really shouldn’t be surprised.”
That felt like a sucker punch, and for the life of him, he couldn’t say why. A lot of women commented on the color of his eyes. Or they used to. Now it was serial-killer vibes, Daddy . But at the end of the day, being found handsome initially wasn’t foreign to him. Rory thinking his eyes were very blue—well, that was something else.
He supposed his eyes were still blue. So maybe that was it. He did still have that.
They drove on in silence for a while.
“Where are your mom and dad now?” Gideon asked her.
“Didn’t Lydia ever mention it?”
“No.”
“They had a hideous divorce. My dad was having an affair. And he left under a cloud of smoke. My mom hung on for another three years, and then she left, too. She went to Hawaii. She’s living her best life over there, enjoying the sunshine in the ocean. I went to visit her once. It’s beautiful. I get why she’s there. She lives in this little community with a bunch of other retired people and they do art and go swimming in the ocean every day, and I didn’t ask questions about the different rotation of people that I saw leaving her house early in the morning in the same clothes they came in the night before.”
“Sounds like she’s having the time of her life.”
“And why not? As much as his leaving affected me, as much as it made me feel like I couldn’t trust anything, I know that it was worse for her. He was her husband. The father of her kids. She gave so much to him, and to this place. She wasn’t a Sullivan by blood. She had moved here from California, and she missed the ocean. The warm ocean, not the Oregon coast. I think she felt like she devoted her life and gave up so much, and then he just ended up leaving. Treating it all so cheaply. She doesn’t like coming back. I can’t blame her.”
“No. Of course not. But it must’ve been hard to have somebody you love leave like that.”
“I admire it, too. It’s the thing that I wasn’t able to do. I tried. I failed. I understand that you regret not being here with your dad. But I don’t think you can afford to put your dreams on hold for anybody. My parents decided to leave. At least I know I didn’t stay because of them, only to have them go.”
“He was proud of me. That’s what Lydia says. He was never sorry I wasn’t there because he believed in what I was out doing.”
“Of course. That’s really... I get it. I get it.”
“Doesn’t mean I don’t question it.”
“There’s always a question to ask, but sometimes it’s just endless. I ask all the time what would’ve happened if I’d stayed at school, but I can’t get an answer to that. There is no answer to that. I can’t know. I’m just here now, trying to make a different choice. That’s why I’m trying to do this. So that I don’t have any more what-ifs. But I’ll probably still find more.”
“Yeah. Well. I want to believe in fate. Because that means it was predestined or something for me to avoid dying in that bomb blast, but not to avoid the injuries that I got. What happened after.”
“I don’t know, can’t it be somewhere in between? Maybe you’re here for a reason. Maybe all that other stuff is just evil. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to happen, but you’re still here for a reason. Can’t it be both?”
He laughed, his chest feeling full of broken glass, but somehow he felt lighter, too. Like he’d finally said some things he needed to say. Even if there was no real answer to it. “Well, since no one has answers to anything that makes any more sense to me, I don’t see why it can’t be both.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just guessing. But I have to believe there’s something out there for me. In Boston, I guess.”
“Yeah. I guess so. Hey. My ex-wife found another thing she was meant for.”
“You mentioned that. That she’s getting married.”
He nodded. He had forgotten he’d said that to her. Which worried him a little. He didn’t think he had too many memory problems, but he would’ve thought he’d remember telling her that. So maybe he had more than he thought. That was the issue with memory problems. It was hard to know if you had them because if you had no close relationships, there was no one around to tell you what you forgot.
“Yeah. I guess she figured she could get back on track with a husband who could still be the thing she needed.”
“That’s not marriage.”
“Have you been married, Rory?”
“No. As you know, I have never even been on a date.”
“Then how do you know what marriage is?”
“I dunno, but I think it has to be more than somebody existing to be the fulfillment of your fantasy. It has to be a little bit more about reality.” She looked stricken for a second, and then looked away. “Sorry. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
But those words stuck with him. Because hadn’t he always been a fantasy? For himself, for other people. The idea of him so much more compelling than who he actually was. He has lived in that space for a long time. It was just that he wasn’t able to do it anymore. And that was some shit.
They switched to lighter conversation, her current favorite book series about witches in a small town, and it reminded him so much of the past. So much of a simpler time in life. He wasn’t a reader, he was never going to be no matter how many times she recommended a book to him, but it didn’t matter. He just liked to hear her talk about it. He liked her enthusiasm for something he didn’t care about. That he didn’t relate to. He liked that she was a little bit mystifying.
When they pulled into the outdoor store parking lot, he got out his list and handed it to her. “All right. You can be the cruise director.”
“That sounds like a lot of work.”
“I think you’re up to the task.”
“I can pay for—”
“No. I’m paying. I’m setting up an outdoor excursion business, so I ought to foot the bill because I can use the equipment. And I can use the experience. So even if it’s for you personally, let me buy it.”
“I don’t want to—”
“I’m not strapped, I promise. I got a decent amount of money from the US government and permanent disability. Not that it’s a whole lot, but the ranch will make money, and I also am about to come into some proceeds from the sale of my house. So it’s all good.”
They walked inside and he grabbed the cart. There were animal mounts everywhere. A bear standing up in the entryway, elk and deer with big racks, and a few little black bears that looked like they’d have only been a threat to a garbage can. It was funny, because that kind of thing had given Cassidy the willies, but it was white noise to him. Every outdoor store in the state of Oregon had much the same look. It was white noise to Rory, too.
She barely even blinked when she went over to a section that had camping lanterns and a taxidermic squirrel was sitting on top of the shelf, staring at them both. Said squirrel had a tiny lantern in its hand.
They got sleeping bags, a tent and all kinds of things that they could carry in backpacks.
Some cooking utensils and some rations.
“I’m having PTSD,” said Rory. And then she pulled a face. “I’m sorry. That was distasteful.”
“I think it’s kind of valid to use that in context with something you experienced in high school.”
“No. It was insensitive. I’m sorry.”
“It might’ve been offensive to some people, Rory, but not to me. Believe me, I’m not so protective of that label or experience that it bothers me.”
“Okay,” she said slowly.
“Don’t worry.” She was very clearly worried. “It’s more important to me that you talk to me like a normal person than start being all careful.”
A lot of people talked to him like that. Careful like that.
Cassidy had been an interesting mix. She was often very careful, and then it had dissolved. And there had been careful, careful, careful , cruel. And once she had gotten cruel, she’d gone all in. He understood. She’d been trying to find something to reach him. To change him. He did get that. He just didn’t want to think about it anymore, so he didn’t.
They finished walking through the store and checked out, and if the price tag made his eyes water a little bit, he did a decent job not showing it. At least there was one benefit to his emotions being buried. He could keep the heavier ones under wraps if need be.
They walked out of the store laden with bags. He took the ones Rory was holding, and their fingers brushed. Her eyes widened just a fraction and met his.
And he felt like everything slowed. That happened to him sometimes. Usually because of something bad. But this wasn’t bad.
The feeling lodged in his chest—it wasn’t panic.
It was something sweet and warm. Something he wanted to save. Something he wanted to hang on to.
She wasn’t looking at him like he was a hero. She was just looking at him.
She wasn’t afraid. She wasn’t starstruck.
Her hands were like silk.
How long had it been since he touched anything soft? Everything had been hard these last few years. Absolutely everything.
And Fia knew that. It’s why she warned you off. Because if all you want is to rest your head on someone soft for a while, it cannot be with Rory Sullivan.
Yeah. He knew that.
“So. The date is Friday.”
Rory blinked. “The date... Oh, yes. And then Saturday we’ll head out on the trip.”
“I hope you have a good time, Rory.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do if you’re not there to shout termite at me.”
“I never had to say it at Smokey’s.”
“No. You didn’t.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“I hope so.”
“Would you mind... Would you mind stopping at this boutique down at the end of the street? I don’t need you to go with me, I just...”
“I’ll go with you.”
Her eyes looked vaguely pleading then.
“Oh, you meant you didn’t want me to go with you.”
“No,” she said. “No. Yes. I don’t... I’m a little embarrassed. But I was borrowing Fia’s dress the other night, and I don’t want to do that this time. I want to have something of my own to wear.”
“Sure,” he said. “That’s completely fair.”
“If you want to, you can tell me if it’s good. You’re a man.”
“Yeah,” he said, his tone flat. “I am.”
“I have terrible fashion sense.”
He looked at the loose, flowing dress she was wearing. He would never have called her fashion sense terrible.
She looked like a little relic, maybe, but he thought it was pretty.
“All right, let’s go. You don’t need to be embarrassed.”
“I can’t help it. I’m probably going to be.”
“I mean, I can’t stop you from being embarrassed if you want to be.”
“I’m always embarrassed.”
They drove down to the end of the street, past all the little shops and restaurants, and through the town’s one traffic light.
They pulled over at the curb, and Rory scampered out of the truck.
He followed her in but hung back by the door while she bit her lip and looked around at all the different clothes.
“Can I help?” A woman was working behind the counter who looked a few years younger than Rory.
“Yes please,” said Rory.
That was how Rory found herself in a dressing room with an endless array of dresses being thrust her way.
Gideon stayed in his position.
And that was when the torture started.
She came out in a tight black velvet dress that made the heat in his blood something more pronounced and harder to deny.
Then there was something light and wispy that he was sure he could see the silhouette of her legs through.
She tried on a green dress that skimmed her curves loosely but looked elegant.
He was basic, though, so he liked that black velvet one that hugged her curves.
He had never been a man with a particular type. He liked women.
Appreciated softer, more dramatic curves, and a muscular, athletic frame. Enjoyed pint-sized bottle rockets and tall Amazons.
Rory’s curves were compact but lovely. She was short, but something about her proportions made her legs look long.
She even had freckles on her shoulders, and he found that sexier than he had a right to.
“She’ll take them all,” he said.
“Gideon,” she said. “You can’t do that.”
“If your boyfriend wants to pay, let him,” said the woman.
“Thanks,” he said, and the lady treated him to a little bit of open, frank admiration.
There. He was getting better responses from people all the time.
Rory looked scowly about it, but he took the dresses from her and took them up to pay.
Unlike the camping equipment, he didn’t mind the price tag.
Because Rory looked so—
She was beautiful. Like a window into something new and fresh. She wasn’t a window into something he’d had before, something he ached to reclaim.
She was like a promise of springtime.
And she was going to be wearing these for another man.
Well. He lost himself there for a second.
He paid, and the dresses were folded up in tissue paper and put into an elegant paper bag.
Rory took hold of the handles and carried the bag out in front of her as they walked back to the truck.
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“They all looked great on you.”
“Thank you,” she said. “But...”
“But what?”
“It’s just too much.”
“Why? Why shouldn’t somebody do something nice for you?”
“Why, though? Why are you doing it?”
“What do you mean why?”
“Because unless we were related, or you were my best friend, no one has ever done anything nice for me for nothing. They’d just lure me into a closet so they can trick me into thinking they were going to kiss me, and then pour beer on me.”
He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “You have to tell me what that means.”
She sighed heavily, and stared at a point just past him.
“When I was at college, there was a guy, and I was at a party. And he said that he wanted to make out. And I wanted to make out with him. Even though I was afraid. And I agreed to go into the closet and wait for him. He left me in there alone for almost an hour. And when I came out, there were guys waiting outside and they poured cups of beer on me. And everybody laughed.”
“What?” He stared at her, completely unable to believe that was true. What asshole would do something like that? What a... What a fucking idiot.
Rory had been waiting there to kiss him, and he...
It was unfathomable to him.
“I can’t even believe that,” he said.
“Well, unfortunately, it’s true. And it happened. It’s just... It’s not the first time that I’ve experienced bullying like that, and I’m sorry, it’s just hard for me to believe sometimes that somebody is just being nice.”
He took a step toward her, and he felt something feral and fierce rise up inside him. “Rory, if I said I was going to kiss you, I would fucking kiss you. And if I ever run into the bastard who did that to you, I’d kill him.”
He felt like he’d said too much. Given away too much. Been too much of the dark thing inside him.
But he hadn’t been able to help it.
She looked stunned. Terrified.
Great.
He took a step back. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
The entire ride home was silent.