Chapter 10
Azahara
The day was late as Azahara closed the journal. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed steadily. She couldn’t finish the entry; her mind was everywhere all at once. What did she want? It was something she wished to have answered, but with how clouded her mind was, no salvation would come.
Kaed was sitting on the couch; he had just returned from riding Moondancer and stretching her legs. She was sitting at the dining table while dinner was on the stove, but neither of them was hungry, it seemed.
“Done writing for the evening?” he asked, breaking the silence.
She placed the pencil on top of the journal and stared into the veins of the wooden table. “For now. Think I’m having writer’s block.” She dared a glance at him, and of course, he was staring at her.
“I’ve never asked, but what do you write about?” This wasn’t the most they had talked over the past week, but it was the most meaningful. Before, it was ‘How’s the weather’ and ‘What should we do for lunch’ or ‘Should we catch some fish for dinner.’
She stood, gliding her fingers across the table as she made her way to the living room. “My life,” she uttered, realizing the danger of answering his question truthfully. However, fatigue had taken its toll on her, leaving her with little mental capacity to fabricate a false answer.
Sitting down by the fire, she crossed her legs.
Her black tights stretched at the knees, and she adjusted her flowy red top as it buckled under her.
“Not sure who I’m writing to but myself.
I have no one to read them when I’m gone but,” she shrugged her shoulders, the fire warming her, “haven’t thought about that part too much. ”
The weather outside had only got increasingly colder. It was that time of the year when the winds shifted, and now they were coming from the year-round snow-topped mountains behind her home. The fire ran pretty much all day, which at least kept them busy getting wood and stoking it.
“Who knows, maybe someone will read them.” Looking over at Kaed, she noticed he had moved to the side of the couch that was closest to her. That made them only an arm’s reach apart.
“If you’d let me, I’d read them,” he said, a soft smile crossing his lips.
It made her smile, but the pull of her eyebrows saddened it. “As an Elf, you should outlive me. Maybe you could.” He visibly tensed.
She crossed her arms under her chest and leaned forward, huddling to stay warm. “What?” She dared ask.
“Thinking about a world without you in it, seems—” Her heart danced in her chest. “Dark.” She kept her expression neutral, although her heartbeat thrummed a song of betrayal.
“Death is inevitable. Especially for a human,” she sighed, “we have one of the shortest lifespans of any mortal that roams these realms.” A light chuckle accompanied her statement, “We cause the most chaos; it’s no wonder the gods cursed us with barely an eighty-year life.”
How she had wished her life had lasted only that long. To have had a normal life. To have had a husband, bear children, and die happily.
“Seems unfair,” Kaed said, and she sent him a questioning look. “How the gods pick and choose.”
There was no hiding her expression. It was apparent that was an under-exaggeration he was speaking of.
“They have a sick sense of view on us mortals,” she retorted.
“We only give to them, and what do they give us back?” This would be the first time Kaed would have seen her truly angry.
Her tone was unforgiving. “Children are dying of incurable diseases. Creatures put on this realm to destroy the weak and favor the strong. Wars fought over land and resources when they can be snapped into existence.”
“Gods can’t interfere in the mortal realm.”
“Can’t they?” There was a bitter edge to her tone. “They sure can take.”
Their people pray to them, worship them, give themselves to them. And in return, they give us drought, famine, pain, death…”
Kaed’s eyebrows furrowed. “What would you have them do?”
She leaned away from the fire, feeling warm enough suddenly. “I don’t want anything from them, but they shouldn’t take from us.”
She felt tears gathering at the corner of her eyes. They burned as she tried to hold back her emotions from flooding out in front of him.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” His voice was calm and gentle. She could see his hand move, itching to reach for her.
“You didn’t.” She moved one of her hands up and pressed the corners of her eyes to push back the tears.
“Seems as though I did. Come here.” Mother, please give me the strength.
Her heart was ready to run out of her throat.
The warmth in her body was so overwhelming that she was ready to strip her clothes off to get relief.
Her eyes widened as she stared at him, his hand extending towards her. “Please.”
Why she decided to take his hand at that moment would be one of her greatest mistakes.
Although she couldn’t tell the future, she knew that allowing her heart to guide her instead of her head was the stupidest thing she could do.
Yet, here she was, doing just the opposite.
When their hands touched, it felt like all the darkness in the world disappeared.
The sun coming out from behind a cloudy sky that hadn’t been seen in decades.
That was always how it was when they touched. Even in the briefest encounters, walking past one another on the stairway, brushing up against each other in the kitchen, or riding together on Moondancer. That fire brought her to life and made all her worries vanish.
He guided her not to sit beside him, but to settle on his lap. She slid down his leg, realizing that while the couch was a comfortable size for her, it was too short for him. If he sat forward, his knees would be pressed against his chest.
“Kaed…” His hand snaked over her legs and pulled her closer. There, with her shoulder against his chest, he leaned his head against her. She didn’t know what to do with her arms, but instinctively one of them moved around his neck, and the other just rested on her stomach.
“Don’t...” he said, his hand that had pulled her to him now wrapped around her waist, resting on her hip.
It was hard for her, but she closed her eyes and said nothing. Her heart was leaping, trying to escape the cage it was being held in, and her breathless gasps resonated loudly in the silence.
After a few moments, she gave in and leaned her head onto his. She immediately felt him relax.
“Do you feel better?” His voice was silvery in the quiet.
“I do.” A mere whisper. “Thank you.”
He hummed. “No need.” When his head moved, she lifted hers from his and watched him catch her gaze. “Don’t pull away…”
She felt that same fear drip down her back. Her lips pressed together in a fine line as she instinctively felt the urge to do exactly the opposite.
“Elf are very poetic, so this may seem like an odd question for a human, but not for me.” She relaxed a little, her heart rate still high. “What’s the biggest and supposedly craziest lie you have ever told?”
With a questioning expression, he chuckled and continued, “Elf have a strong aptitude for the truth. We are called the truth seekers, after all. I suspect it’s why you are incredibly careful with how you respond to me.”
An audible exhale escaped her throat. Of course, he could tell... Wait, did he ask my age? She thought, not breaking her gaze from him. His hand tightened around her leg, and she nervously chewed on her bottom lip.
He waited expectantly. It wasn’t like she could go anywhere. “You won’t like my answer.”
“To be honest, I haven’t liked many answers you have given me this week.” She scowled at him, wanting to punch him in the chest. “I still want it, nevertheless.”
She didn’t have to think about it. There were several lies, most notably her age.
That one she had lied about the most for almost five hundred years.
It would be the easiest, yet most complicated, answer to give him.
It would cause a spiral with no end, and she would drown in it before being able to come back up for air.
Then, there was the one she gave him. “That I’m happy.”
Kaed stayed expressionless, obviously not taking that as the whole answer and waiting expectantly. “I’ve not been happy for a long time. While not many people ask whether I am or not because I alienate myself, I tend to tell and convince myself that I am happy daily. Which, in truth, is a lie.”
He studied her eyes and her stoic face. “Until…” Shut up, Azahara shut up. Shut up. Shut up. His hand crept up her back, the feeling sending bumps up her arm and across her shoulders. The butterflies in her stomach caused a tightness at its core she’d never felt before.
“Until?” His voice was breathless, and she wanted to take it for herself.
“You,” she said, his hand at the back of her neck, and she licked her drying lips.
“When I saw you at the barn, I felt happiness for the first time in what feels like an eternity. That feeling of truly being happy. Even though I was suffering, there was light in the darkness.” She was whispering as his fingers laced into her hair.
“I’ve not seen that light in so many years. ”
Her trembling hand moved to his chest; the other hand stayed behind his head but now gripped his hair like he did to her.
“Like…”
“The sun after a long winter.” He finished her sentence. “Not in the dead of summer when everything is hot. When the clouds haven’t parted in months.”
She felt the strength to deny him slipping away, and when he lifted her into his arms, their chests pressed together, she knew all hope was lost. Her legs were now on either side of his, with nothing between them but their clothes and the rapid beat of their hearts, the tension between them becoming almost unbearable.
“Kaed…” Her tone was breathy.
“Azahara.” He whispered her name, his voice husky with desire. He hadn’t yet closed the mere inches their lips were from one another, and she opened her eyes to see him looking at her.
“You shouldn’t,” she whispered, the heat hotter than the fire blazing beside them.
“Tell me why.” The grip on her hair tightened, and she let out a gasp. She felt his chest rumble with an almost feral need.
“I’m-I’m not what you want.” Her lips parted, and he looked at them and then back into her eyes.
“How can you tell me what I want?”
“I’m not what you need. I will only hurt you.” He didn’t release her, and she didn’t want him to. Even if she knew, deep down, she needed to stop what they were doing.
“I told you, Red,” he whispered, and she sucked in a deep breath. “I can tell when someone is lying to me. You know damn well that is wrong.” She couldn’t fathom how they could grow closer, yet he somehow made it happen.
Their noses brushed against each other’s, and he leaned his forehead against hers. “Tell me the truth, and I will leave.”
Tears flowed freely down her cheeks, and her composure crumbled. “I’m scared,” she confessed, her trembling lips struggling to form the words. “I don’t want you to leave, but I also don’t want to be selfish with your life.”
She made an attempt to pull away, a hint of desperation in her movements. Kaed allowed her some space but refused to let her go. His eyes bore into hers, filled with a silent plea. “Please, don’t push me away,” he begged, his voice tinged with vulnerability.
She reluctantly released her hold on him, placing both hands on his chest, creating a barrier to keep them apart.
As if she believed her arms could form an impenetrable wall to halt his advances.
But in the blink of an eye, he moved with such swiftness that she had no time to react, let alone stop him.
He loomed above her, his golden hair tucked behind his ears and cascading like a shimmering curtain. Her eyes widened, and her chest heaved with uneven breaths, a mixture of anticipation and trepidation swirling in her gaze.
“Do you want me?”
She closed her eyes and cursed the goddess. It was the one question she knew would not matter if she lied. He would know her truth. She wanted to escape this beautiful place she was in because it couldn’t last long. Nothing good ever lasted long for her.
Feeling him on top of her made her body crave his attention. He had one of his knees between her legs and his hand on either side of her head. His muscular frame completely overtook her, and she wanted it more than air in her lungs.
She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “Yes.” Her voice barely a whisper.
His entire body relaxed as if he had been holding a boulder on his back, protecting her from its weight. She brought her hand up to his cheek and brushed away the sweat that had trickled down his eyebrow.
Then, there was nothing between them.
His mouth pressed against hers, and she let out a moan from deep in her chest. It had felt like all the tension in her stomach released all at once as her body fell over the precipice it had been holding onto.
They simultaneously turned their heads, deepening the kiss. He tasted like she imagined the sun to be. The smell of spring rain coating the fresh green grass. He was light, while she was the darkness.
Her arms encircled his neck, and he swiftly lifted her from behind, deftly flipping them around. Now, she lay atop him, his head propped up on the armrest of the couch. He refused to let her part her lips from his, and she pondered whether he feared she would vanish if he released her.
His hands slowly but meticulously trailed up her sides, and she felt his hand brush against her breast. Immediately, her nipples stiffened, and she moaned.
Not realizing she hadn’t taken a breath, she pulled away and inhaled a large gulp of air. Drinking it as if she wouldn’t get more soon.
She leaned back, her legs straddling him. While she had been sitting on his lap, she paid extra mind to ignore his growing arousal in his pants.
Biting at her swollen lip, Kaed rolled his eyes back and groaned. “Every time you do that, I get jealous. I want to be the one biting it.” Those butterflies turned into bees in her lower abdomen. The warmth between her thighs increased, and she knew he could tell.
Happiness is an odd thing. It can be there one moment and stripped away quicker than blowing out the flame of a candle.
“You know I’m a jealous god.” All the air left her, and she felt her heart stop beating.
Her eyes darted above Kaed, and there he stood—Goddrick, a blade in his hand.
He clicked his tongue. “You are mine, little mouse.”
The downward slice of his blade was so quick that she couldn’t comprehend what had happened until the blood spewed upward and across her face.
She screamed.
What have I done…