44. Blake
BLAKE
I wake up with a moan, reaching back behind me, then spinning when I notice the bed is empty.
My gut twists into a sad, uncomfortable knot.
That empty mattress beside me is horrible and depressing and… when the fuck did Grady sneak out?
I must have been completely passed out, because I didn’t even hear him.
With a little huff, I tuck my wayward curls behind my ear and flop back down onto my pillow.
Of course he snuck out. Be logical about this. He wasn’t supposed to be there.
Grrr. My brain is right, and this is so annoying.
He belongs beside me. As we made love last night, I felt it. He felt it. I could tell by the look in his eyes after he came and gazed down at me like I was something special.
The tender kiss he gave me just before he lay down beside me and pulled me into his arms…
It was all so meant to be, which means he can’t go sneaking out in the middle of the night !
Throwing back the covers with a huff, I grab my pajamas off the floor and slip them back on. The wood is cold beneath my feet when I hit the bare floorboards in the hallway, and I rise to my tiptoes, sneaking down the hallway.
Glancing over my shoulder, I pause outside Grady’s room. I don’t want to risk knocking and alerting anyone to the fact that I’m here. Everyone should be asleep anyway. It’s like five in the morning.
With a wince, I ease the door open, my face bunching at the creak. Going still, I listen for any other movements in the house and don’t relax until three full beats of silence greet me.
Releasing my breath, I slip into Grady’s room and close his door, padding through the dark and slipping into his bed. It’s warm and delicious, his hot body working like an electric blanket, and I smile as I pull the covers around myself and snuggle up against him.
He’s still kind of sleepy and murmurs something unintelligible as I tuck myself into his back.
“Your feet are freezing, woman,” he complains.
“Sorry.” I giggle, sliding them up his leg until he snatches my thigh and keeps me in place.
He’s still half-asleep as he rolls me over and spoons me from behind. I lie in blissful drowsiness until I feel him tense behind me.
“What are you doing in my bed?”
Aw crap, he’s fully awake.
Glancing over my shoulder, I give him a sweet smile and innocently blink. “Good morning.”
He groans, rolling onto his back and whisper-barking, “Your brother is going to kill me. ”
I shuffle around, hiding my face in the crook of his neck before gently kissing that soft skin just beneath his morning whiskers.
“I’m serious, Blake. If any of the guys see you sneaking out of here…”
“You snuck out of my room,” I argue.
“At two in the morning when everyone was asleep.”
“Everyone is still asleep. It’s only five fifteen.”
“And everyone will be getting up for practice in like ten minutes. How are you planning on leaving without being spotted?”
My head pops up, and I stare at the doorway. “I’ll think of something. It’s all about timing. Why don’t I just wait in here until after you’ve left?”
He gives me a doubtful snort, and I whip a surprised look at him.
“What? I’ve been sneaking around all year. I’m good at this. And everyone will think I’m in my room. Seriously, stop making such a big deal and just let me snuggle.”
The way his eyebrows wrinkle tells me he doesn’t really want to hear that I’m an expert sneak, so I drop my head with a sigh, resting my forehead against his shoulder.
“Look…” His hand glides up my back, settling between my shoulder blades. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… maybe we should just come clean.”
An alarming terror I was not expecting jolts through me, and my head pops back off his body again. “What?”
He opens his mouth to reply but then ends up giving me a helpless shrug .
So I arch my eyebrow at him, silently demanding an explanation.
“I don’t know what else to do. The whole ‘this thing being over as soon as we got back’ isn’t gonna work for us. We couldn’t even go two hours.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “You know, it’s really your fault.”
“My fault?” His whispers increase just a little in volume, and I open my eyes in time to see him frowning at me.
“Yeah, well…” I draw a circle on his bare shoulder. “If you weren’t so divine, then it’d be easy just to let you go, but you had to be… be…”
“Be what?”
“Perfect.” I bulge my eyes at him. “Inside and out.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not perfect, Blake. Please don’t put that on me. I’m a shitty friend who went behind your brother’s back. That doesn’t make me perfect. Far from it.”
Brushing my thumb across his bottom lip, I give him a sad smile. “Compared to me, you’re perfect. I’m the shitty sister who’s been lying to her brother, the horrible daughter who’s been lying to her parents. I’m…” I shake my head as well.
Cupping my face, he holds me steady, his face becoming clearer by the second as I adjust to the darkness in his room. “Let’s end this charade. Let’s just come out with the truth and face the consequences.”
Consequences?
He makes it sound like this simple thing.
Consequences!
One word. Four syllables .
And it’s the most terrifying sound in all the world.
Fear clutches me, but worse than it’s ever clutched me before. It’s like there’s this vise around my throat, choking me, flattening my chest.
The air in my lungs is turning into toxic gas. I can’t inhale.
Why can’t I inhale?
I start scratching at my collarbone, whimpering as I claw at my pajama top.
This charade has been keeping me sane, and now he’s telling me to just shed it.
Shed it and face the consequences.
“Hey. Hey, it’s okay.” Grady notices my sudden surge of panic, but his calm voice can’t cut through the haze clouding my vision.
I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe?
This tightness in my chest is unbearable. It’s like there’s a concrete cinder block squishing my lungs into pancakes.
“Blake, look at me.” Grady quickly shifts, freeing his arm from around my side and taking my face in both his hands. “Blake,” he whispers, his voice urgent as he tries to cut through whatever the hell I’m going battling.
What is this?
I’ve never had this before.
Is it a panic attack?
Why is everything so blurry?
How can I go from calmly lying beside him to this!
“Bee. Baby.” He’s still calling to me, his calloused thumbs rubbing my cheeks. “Breathe. Just breathe. Inhale. You can do it.”
A short burst of air rushes into me .
“Good. And again.”
I suck in a little more, my vision starting to clear.
“And again. Breathe again. You can do it.”
“I… I…” Shaking my head, I try to speak, but?—
“Breathe.” He leans in close, saying it with such authority that I have no choice but to take a full breath.
It hits my lungs and I blink, my eyes glassing over as he comes into full focus. “What’s happening to me?”
“You’re having a panic attack, but you’re going to be okay.” His voice is so smooth and even, so calm and steady. I cling to it, to him, my hands reaching for his solid arms.
Clutching his wrists, I hold on and whimper.
“Keep breathing,” he instructs me, and I do. I take a breath and then another until finally… slowly… I return to myself.
My skin feels clammy and hot, my heart racing erratically, but that sensation is starting to ebb. I can breathe again. Loosening the pincer grip on his wrists, I run my hands down his arms but can’t let go.
Not just yet.
That sucked.
Holy shit, that sucked so bad.
“Hey,” Grady whispers.
My eyes dart to his. “Why did that just happen?”
“I don’t know.” His voice is low and gravelly, his expression pained. “We were talking about telling your family the truth.”
He’s saying it carefully, like he’s worried he might trigger me all over again.
But I’ve been wrestling with this for months. Why the sudden attack now ?
Because it’s so close. It’s so near. If you want to be with Grady, you can’t hide from this anymore. You have no way out but the truth, and that scares the shit out of you!
Closing my eyes, I suck in a shaky breath, my entire body shuddering.
“Blake, you told me, and you survived it just fine.”
I keep my eyes shut, unwilling to look at him, even though he’s trying to encourage me.
“Your family loves you.”
“You don’t understand.” My voice is soft and raspy. “They’ll be so let down.”
“It’ll be worse if they find out another way. It has to come from you.”
“I can’t,” I whimper, shuddering again as I relive that horrible moment as the word consequences bounced inside my brain. “Don’t make me do it, Grady. Please.”
Curling my arms around his shoulders, I cling to his solid body, feeling weak and pathetic. But I don’t know what else to do.
I thought I was stronger than this, but I’m obviously not.
I can live in a lie. I’ve been doing it most of my life.
The truth is too big and terrifying.
I can’t face what’s waiting for me on the other side of these horrible conversations.
I just can’t do it!