45. Grady
GRADY
It’s been three days since Blake’s panic attack, and I still can’t stop thinking about it.
Holy shit, that was intense.
Seeing her lose it on my bed, that terrified look on her face when she thought she couldn’t breathe…
I’ve never watched anyone succumb to a panic attack before, and it was horrible, made a million times worse by the fact that I really care about this woman, and watching her suffer fucking killed me.
I want to help her, but how do I convince her to come clean?
Sure, telling her family the truth is going to be really hard, but once it’s out there, she can start moving on. Part of her issue is that she’s held out for so long that the problem feels too big. But it won’t start getting better until she does the right thing.
Same goes for you, man. You need to talk to Wily.
But I need a green light from Blake before I do that. It’s her secret, too, and I won’t send her into a spiral just to clear my conscience. But we can’t keep sneaking around either. Which is why I’ve been resisting every instinct in my body and trying to stay clear of her.
When I walked past her bedroom door last night, I didn’t sneak in the way I wanted to.
Sleeping without her sucks, but thankfully football training has been intense, so I come home totally shattered.
We’ve barely interacted, as I’ve been so busy with this truncated training schedule and catching up on homework that I haven’t had time to see anyone. And Blake’s been out of sight every time I’ve gotten home.
Wily’s complaining about her being a study whore, and I wanted to punch him for using that word in reference to her. It was only a joke, but it still got my back up. She’s no whore. And the fact that I couldn’t warn him of that killed me as well.
But she’s not my girlfriend.
She’s my teammate’s little sister, the girl I had a fling with in the forest. The one I can’t stop thinking about.
Dammit.
When I get home tonight, I’m gonna have to talk to her. We can’t keep going like this. I miss her. Part of me just wants to take her and disappear back into the wild. She was so happy and carefree there. No pressure, no demands. She could just be herself. We both could, and I want that back.
I want to see her unchecked smile, not that measured shit she pulls out around Wily and everybody else. I want to hear her laughing, see her dancing, watch her face when she’s overcome with awe or wonder .
Man, has Wily ever seen that side of her? Has she ever let anyone in?
Or has that privilege been mine alone?
The thought forms a quick lump in my throat.
Yeah, we really can’t keep going like this.
I gotta come clean. I have to convince her to come clean…
if she’ll let me talk to her. She’s kind of been hiding away since she lost it on my bed.
I hated that I had to get up and leave her for football practice.
I have no idea how long she stayed in my room after I left the house, but she was back in hers by the time I got home, and she barely looked at me over dinner.
Is she embarrassed about the panic attack?
She doesn’t need to be. The fact that she can fall apart around me is a compliment in some ways. She trusts me enough to be her raw and real self. That’s a huge privilege.
I want to honor that and respect her.
But I have to convince her to stop sitting on all these lies. She’ll never be truly free—neither of us will—until the truth comes out.
But which truth should she spill first?
Which one is less scary for her?
Telling her brother about me… or the shit she got up to in Chicago… or the roofie scare… or the liquor store incident?
Shit, she’s got a lot to confess.
I know which one I’d prefer, but I’m not gonna be a selfish prick about it.
“Hey.” Carson snaps his fingers in front of my face. “You need me to drive, man?”
Coming to with a quick blink, I notice that the crosswalk I paused for is now clear. Accelerating over the zebra stripes, I ignore Carson’s frown, clenching my jaw and refusing to engage.
But he won’t let me get away with it.
“You good, man? You seem… off.”
“I’m fine.”
He snickers. “Soooo freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.”
“What?” I glance at him.
“ The Italian Job . You know. The movie? I’m fine? But fine actually means… ach…” He flicks a hand through the air. “Don’t worry about it.” He shakes his head and mutters something about needing Nylah.
I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about, so I keep my mouth shut. I’m not really in the mood to engage. The coaches ran us hard at practice, and I was into it, because I need to burn off this angst, but it’s also made me sore and… okay, I’m grumpy.
Better get my shit together before we reach Football Frat, because I have to talk to Blake today. I just have to.
Carson rests his foot up on my dash. I fucking hate it when he does that, but I don’t want to get into it with him, so I grip the wheel and pick up speed. We make it home a couple of minutes later, and I slam out of the Jeep, stalking for the front door.
“Dude, what’s got your panties in a twist?” Zander laughs at me as he hops out of his SUV and spots me on the lawn.
“Nothing!” I bark, taking the stairs two at a time.
I can sense the guys looking at each other, trying to figure what’s up with me now .
Hopefully they assume it’s got something to do with Teah so I don’t have to tell them what’s really going on.
They’ll all find out soon enough, but Wily has to be the first to know. It’s the only way that’s fair.
“I’ve already told you this!” Blake’s raised voice hits me the second I open the door.
Dumping my bag and kicking off my shoes, I don’t even think. I bolt down to the kitchen, my muscles coiled tight as I listen to her distress.
“Why do you keep pushing this?”
“Because you told us you were going back to Chicago after spring break. Classes start again tomorrow. Why aren’t you on a plane?” Wily’s towering over her, holding out his phone like he’s recording this shit.
What the fuck is he doing?
Blake looks so small beside him, her cheeks pale, her eyes wide and a little wild.
I try to catch her attention behind Wily’s back, waving my hand at her.
She darts me a quick look, her headshake subtle but oh so clear.
I am not allowed to say a fucking word.
Dammit!
I’m here. She should just do it now. I’ll support her, protect her as best I can.
I make a move to enter the kitchen fully, but she bulges her eyes at me, then glances at the screen, putting on a smile.
“I really don’t want to argue about this.” Her voice is sweet but strained. “Why won’t you all let this go?”
My eyebrows dip together, and it’s not until I hear a female voice coming out of the phone that I suddenly realize she and Wily are talking to somebody else.
“Blake, we can’t let this go.” It’s her mom. “You’re not sticking to your plan, and we’re confused. Concerned. We know you’ve found college a breeze this year, but that doesn’t mean you can just slack off. You should be aiming for top grades in every single subject.”
Blake closes her eyes, looking sick for a second, and I wish I could step forward and defend her, explain the situation for her, but I doubt that’s gonna fly.
I’m nobody to this family, and I can’t go blurting that I’m more than just an acquaintance to Blake.
If they knew what we got up to in the forest, I can only imagine what her parents would say… let alone Wily.
Shit, this is bad.
“If you don’t get your butt back to Chicago, I’m driving up to Nolan and will take you to the airport myself.” Her dad’s voice comes out of the phone, and Blake’s eyes ping open—wide and bright and etched with fear.
Part of me wills her to say it, to just shout out the truth and be done with it all.
But she bites her lips together, refusing to look at me when I try to stare her down. I know she can sense my gaze on her, but she won’t connect because she already knows what I’m going to try and convey.
Her muscles coil tight as she crosses her arms, her fingers digging in just above her elbows, like she’s holding her slender little body together.
She’s so fine-boned. Like a fragile bird.
But I know how strong she can be. She was so tough in the forest, never complained about aching muscles. She just soldiered on.
But right now ?
She looks on the verge of breaking, and I’m starting to worry that she’ll have another panic attack.
Dropping my gaze, I lean against the doorframe and clench my jaw. I should walk away and give them some privacy, but like hell I’m moving right now. I’m gonna be here if she needs me.
“Come on, Blakey.” Wily gives her shoulder a little nudge with his fist.
She sways on her feet, glaring up at her brother. I’m wondering if the dynamic is usually them against the olds, but he’s siding with her parents right now, and she’s feeling pretty alone over this whole thing.
“Would you guys stop ganging up on me!” She flicks her arms wide. “I have a plan here.”
“What plan?” her mother demands. “Explain it to us.”
She huffs, and I can only imagine how fast her pulse must be racing right now. “Can’t you just trust me?”
“You should be back in Chicago, Blake.” Her dad’s voice is firm. “Your finals are going to be here before you know it, and Wily doesn’t need you anymore. Enough is enough!”
She flinches, her expression crumpling for a second before she pulls it back into line.
Wily steps forward with a softer approach. “Hey…” He rests his big hand on her delicate shoulder. “Is there something else stopping you from going? Is everything okay in Chicago?”
She shakes him off, her eyes darting across to mine. I silently beg her to spill. This is the moment. This is?—
“Of course it is,” she lies. “Chicago’s great.
I just…” With a little shrug, she gives her brother a half smile, then looks at the phone screen.
Her smile is growing mo re plastic by the second, and my insides coil.
“I’ve just been enjoying hanging out in Nolan.
Believe it or not, I actually like spending time with this shithead.
” She points her thumb at Wily while her father booms with laughter and her mother groans.
“Language, Blake!”
Her dad laughs over top of her mother’s reprimand, like he couldn’t be prouder that his children are more than just siblings… they’re friends.
I can’t see all of Wily’s face from where I’m standing, but I bet he’s grinning—that smile he gets when he talks about his sister. He really does adore her… and he’s gonna be gutted when he finds out the truth.
“Because I’ve been able to do both,” Blake goes on to explain, “I just figured I’d stay here for as long as I could.”
“I think it’s safe to say that your time’s up, sweetheart.” Her dad’s tone leaves no room for argument.
“I know, Daddy.” She puts on her good-girl smile just for him.
“Now, we’ve let you have your fun over spring break,” her mother starts saying. “We let you go off and be in the wild.”
Let her?
She’s nineteen, for fuck’s sake. She doesn’t need anyone’s permission.
“And we’re glad you had so much fun. But it’s time to get back into the swing of things. You have classes to ace, exams to get top marks on. You really need to get back to reality.”
Blake’s lips tremble as she forces them into yet another fake smile. “You’re right. I’ll go up and start looking at flights now. ”
“That’s my girl,” her dad says while my shoulders slump.
Shit. She bailed.
Shaking my head with a frown, I quietly turn and walk away. Looks like the truth is gonna have to wait for another day.
I mean, what the fuck does she honestly think she’s gonna do? Fly back to Chicago and live out of a hotel again, wasting her days pretending to go to school?
She’s just made things harder for herself, and I don’t know if I can get her out of this hole she keeps digging. I want to help her so badly, but I can’t if she won’t let me.