Chapter 33 Inexorable
I don’t dream.
Instead, it’s a deep, dark sleep filled with a web of emotions that form into sharp, dangerous shapes. Ones which awake me suddenly. And when I do, one emotion engulfs all others.
Mortification.
I relive the moment with Julien. The way I’d just allowed him to kiss me, how I’d almost begged for him to continue, forced him.
Then Sai, the things he’d already done to me, the things I’d allowed and pleaded with him to continue.
And now, the realisation that I wanted it, all of it, to happen again.
That those memories made me feel a shame like no other but also a deep, dangerous desire I didn’t know how to control.
I pull myself out of the bed. The room is now lit by a brilliant, golden light which warms my cool skin as I pace the floor. Running hands through my hair, I aggressively pull out the ponytail I’d slept in before redoing it even higher and tighter.
I try to calm myself, try to remind myself how the first few weeks at 'The Inferno' were. The fights and arguments which occurred due to me, inflamed because of me. The sobs and worry I’d created, the passing looks of heat from August… but it was nothing like this.
This was something more.
Much more.
Something I wasn’t sure was due to a ‘recalibration period’ that empaths went through when living somewhere new. It was something Alexis and I researched together after August had destroyed yet another door.
But I had to believe it, I had to believe in something... Something to confirm I wasn’t going crazy, that my mind was still my own, that I could control myself around these men even if I really, really , didn’t want to.
I needed access to the internet. I needed to remind myself how I managed this the last time and quickly put it into action. Other than distance, which I knew would be impossible with some more than others, I was at a loss .
As if to prove my point, I feel the slight buzz of air just before Sai appears.
Sunlight caresses him like he’s a being of the light. The way it paints him in a golden glow, how it makes his eyes gleam, is truly unfair. I try to pretend his presence doesn’t affect me, but when he smiles, his wild markings glowing a soft blue within this light, my heart races.
“Did you miss me, Red?” He grins, dimples on display, as he makes his way towards me. He’s wearing his enforcer uniform, all black and tight and... My gaze eagerly drags over him, I tell myself I can’t help it, and he’s soon standing before me. “I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”
His eyes, the colour of ice sapphires in this light, study my face, watching each minuscule expression as I stand in silence.
My power is hungrily blooming, sensing him the second he entered and attempting to latch onto him. But I pull it back. I remind myself to stay in control.
“Can I have access to the internet?” I ask, keeping my expression relaxed. Even though my heart is racing as Sai’s gaze keeps dipping to my mouth.
My question makes his brow quirk. “Why?”
“I need to research something.” I try to keep my voice level whilst battling the nervous fluttering within me.
His frown deepens, he steps forwards. “What?”
I hold my ground, I keep my coils tightly bound. “Empath things.”
He takes several, slow, calculated steps and tilts his head. With each step my coils hum with the need to connect, to reach out, but I hold them back. It’s almost painful.
Now much closer, his eyes flicker over my face in search of answers. He raises his hand. “Has something—”
But just as his fingers are about to skim my cheek, I step back.
He pauses, hand midair.
Then his entire demeanour changes.
His irises erupt with spikes of black, darkening his gaze and his markings dim. Somehow, even the golden light previously flooding the room dissolves as the air becomes electrified.
Gone is the light-hearted, teasing, aggravating Sai. This was someone else.
“What did Julien do?” All pleasantries are removed and the echo coating his voice makes my coils tighten .
“Julien has nothing to do with this.” I lie. I try to sound indifferent but I cautiously study his markings as they begin to erratically pulse.
I take another step back.
The room darkens further.
Sai’s infected gaze is narrowed, predatory, glowering at the empty space between us. At the distance I’d just increased.
“This.” His lips are pulled into a snarl as he points at the space dividing us. He cants his head again but now it isn’t sweet or flirtatious, it’s the movement of a predator daring me to respond, threatening me to listen. “We’re not doing this.”
I swallow. “I think…” Did the air suddenly become thicker? Why is it so much harder to breathe? I’m terrified he’s about to move closer but he doesn’t. Instead, he hangs onto my barely muttered words, urging me with his silence, daring me to say the next few words.“I think we need some space.”
His intimidating gaze never strays. I wet my lips. My heart pounds.
When his power rushes over me, generating a deep hum throughout my bones, I fight the urge to submit. I tense my body while my instincts battle one another, wanting me to sigh in pleasure and recoil in terror. I do neither. I stand still as his crackling tendrils try desperately to connect with mine.
His fury slices into the air.
I want to alter it, but I don’t dare let my coils touch him. I watch his tongue run over his canines whilst he shakes his head.
Displeasure, anger, frustration rolls from him in thick waves.
“The last time we were alone, I had you pinned against that wall.” He nods his head to it. “On the edge of an orgasm. And now .” His voice practically burns my skin, the darkness of it, of him , rumbles the room like thunder. “Now, this .”
“That was a mistake.”
I knew I shouldn’t have said it.
It was the wrong time. The wrong words.
Sai’s eyes and markings become completely colourless. His voice becomes even lower as he repeats, “A mistake.”
Crackles erupt in the air and blinding sparks ignite before being consumed by the dark again .
“Sai, just listen.” I almost shout the words in my desperation to calm him. Not because I’m afraid of him, no, but because I hate the emotion I feel seeping from him. It makes my chest ache and breathing stutter.
Rejection .
His gaze continues to study me in that pernicious way, but the crackles pause at my words.
I place a hand to my chest. “I can’t control my emotions. These things... what’s happened between us, between you and Julien, they wouldn’t be happening if I was in control. It isn’t right, it isn’t—”
“It wasn’t a mistake.” I can barely see him through the shadows he’s created. But his words are crystal clear. “Tell me what Julien did.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Sai is clearly unimpressed by my answer. His head tilts the other way, assessing me once more, waiting for me to break.
I swallow again, my throat feels dry, my chest unbearably tight and my power shudders around me.
“He kissed me, again,” I admit, unable to handle the silence or the glare of his piercing gaze, even in the darkness. But it’s not enough. “But I—”
This time, when he prowls towards me, I’m unable to move. I never even had a chance. His electrified tendrils wrap around me tightly, holding me.
The action should be terrifying, I should feel trapped. But I don’t.
“What else.” His irises are now suffocated by darkness, there’s barely a glimpse of blue.
I feel my own darkness shiver in response, shimmering beneath my skin.
“Tell me what he did so I can fix this. Tell me what he did that has you pulling away from me. Tell me .” His voice has softened into almost a plea. I feel his tendrils brush all over me, soothing me, easing me, coaxing me to answer.
“It’s me,” I murmur, my voice quiet, eyes tracing the ground. So unlike myself.
But so is Sai, this isn’t a version of him I was familiar with. A dark, commanding, dominating presence that makes me feel… nervous. Excited. Intrigued.
“What’s happened with us, what has happened with Julien, it’s all me.” No longer trapped by his gaze, I try to explain. “It’s what happens when you spend time with an empath. I’m amplifying emotions, I’m making you feel things that—”
When his fingers grip my chin, I instantly stop.
My entire body hums, my darkness settles, my muscles unclench. The pleasant feeling rushes through me so quickly I gasp before helplessly falling further into his touch.
My hands land upon his chest piece and I wish I could burn through it to his skin.
His gaze locks with mine, flickers of blue reappearing as he tugs my chin a little higher to ensure all I can see is him.
“You think you’re manipulating us?” His eyes narrow as he searches my face, his tone filled with disbelief.
“This isn’t normal, Sai.” I level my gaze with his. My voice is filled with a sadness I wasn’t aware I felt until this very moment. “That first night, when you healed me, we were drunk on our power. Yesterday, our emotions were just so high. My power had just returned and seeing you again after thinking I…I was so...”
I shake my head then close my eyes as I deliver my final words. “I’m so sorry.”
His fingers drop from my chin.
I’m preparing to face him again, to see his face now he knows the truth. That I’m making them behave this way, every touch has been manipulated by me.
But then his other hand slips behind my back and I’m dragged into him. My eyes fly open and I push against his chest in panic, his eyes are entwined with vibrant blues but they’re still narrowed.
“You think you took advantage of us?” His incredulous tone would make me shrink back if his hand wasn’t holding me against him. “That’s why you’re pulling away? You think we don’t want this? That this is all you?”
I can’t look at him. Instead, I stare at my hands which press firmly against him, pathetically trying to put space between us. I could use my power, if I wanted. But I don’t.
“Look at me.” He’s cups my jaw with his hand so gently. I try to pull my face away but he holds me firmly. “ No . I can do this all night. Now, look at me, Red.”
I sigh and slowly peer up at him. His gaze has softened somewhat but there’s still a darkness lingering.
“I wanted you the first night I saw you.” Now my brows furrow. “When you glared at us with those garnet eyes. The way you stood, the way you talked, the way you moved like you owned everything and everyone in that club. Fuck, I’d never wanted anyone that badly before.” He chuckles slightly in remembrance and the sound heats my entire body.
“Julien was the same. It was the moment you refused to drop your gaze, even before we knew how strong you were. Even before we knew about your darkness. Even before the calling. We wanted you then and we want you now.”
My mind tries to compute everything he’s said but his is touch upon my face, burning my back, which makes it extremely hard to focus. But he allows the silence. He never lets go of me as I take in the words, take in what they reveal.
The feelings were already there. Whatever those feelings were. They wanted this before the ‘calling’, before they healed me, before they became my enforcers.
They already wanted me.
“But you were such dicks to me,” I murmur, half in thought.
He lowers himself, making our eyes align. I note his small smirk and the tension holding my body eases slightly. “But you kinda liked it, right?”
I scowl at him, all my worry and fear melting away. “Oh yes, I really enjoyed when you nearly let Julien bite me.”
“You would have liked it—”
“And when you tricked me into letting our powers connect.”
“I was helping you with the pain.”
I level him with a hard stare. He just grins.
“What about when you blackmailed me so I couldn’t touch myself?”
He bites his lip and scrunches his nose at me. It’s adorable and I will never tell him. “I’ll admit, that was petty of me.”
“You think?” A coil of my power knocks into him, as though reiterating the point. Then I sigh.
The relief from knowing I hadn’t forced them into this is quickly overshadowed by the realisation that we were doing this willingly .
“ We need to stop.” I’m impressed by how stern my voice is, how I manage to keep our eyes locked, I even add a quick nod.
Even when his small smile makes my stomach swirl, I maintain my facade.
Even when he says, “We’re not stopping.”
I frown but he simply smirks and his hand slides up my spine .
My power hums at the contact, enjoying his soft touch, feeling his fingers slowly reach the nape of my neck before threading them through the base of my ponytail. Gripping me there.
“It’s not right,” I utter, breathless.
A current of heat rushes through me and I gasp, I can’t stop it. He pulls me to him even harder, allowing me to feel everything .
“But it feels right,” he whispers, and what a deadly sound it is. Our noses skim, his markings flare. “Go on, deny it. Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me this is wrong.”
I open my mouth but before I can say a single word, he brushes my lips with his. It’s a slow, sensual movement, we never truly kiss as he moves his lips over mine again and again. Holding me still, caressing my lips with his mouth.
Then he pulls away.
I would look away, if I could. But I don’t think I can move. Actually, I don’t dare move. More splinters of bright blue have returned to his eyes and I just can’t stop looking at him, admiring him. I’m utterly enamoured by every aspect of him.
“Was this our first argument?” He teases in a low, quiet voice, brushing his thumb over my lower lip. “Do we get to make up now?”
I glance at his lips. The ones that were just touching me. It would be so easy to reach them, to push up on my toes, to brush my mouth against his and... but I hold still, and so does he.
“If you think I’m going to kiss you, after everything I’ve just said, you really are insane,” I breathe.
The irony of my words is abundantly clear as my hazy gaze sweeps from his entrancing eyes, to his sinful mouth.
When he smiles again, I forget how to breathe. More pieces of blue fracture through the darkness as he keeps me pinned to him.
“But you’re thinking about it.”
I glare at him, refusing to confirm his words even when we both knew they were true.
“Should we play a little game, Red?” The lightness of his voice has returned. The teasing quality I’d once found annoying now making my skin blush with expectation. My skin hums again. “Let’s see who breaks first. ”
He doesn’t need to expand, the implication of his game is clear enough when he lets go of my hair and runs his fingers gently over my cheek before dropping them.
“We shouldn’t do this,” I say whilst trying to ignore how much I want his hands back on me.
“The winner gets a favour.”
I frown slightly. “A favour? So, anything?”
His eyes practically glow. His markings blare and they warm my entire body.
That small smirk turns into a full, salacious, grin. “My, my, Red. I was going to set some ground rules but if that’s what you think the prize should be, I’m more than happy to play it your way.”
Suddenly, he steps away from me and my coils flicker in protest. His smile tells me he knows exactly how I’m feeling and I cross my arms over my chest instead, trying but failing to replicate his warmth.
With one final heated look, one which caresses my entire body and leaves my skin humming with need, he turns towards the door. “Come on, I promised the guys I’d give you a tour.”
He leaves without waiting to see if I follow.
I stare up at the ceiling and take a deep breath, quietly telling myself that Sai’s game means nothing. How these feelings of need and desire were easy to ignore. They were simply amplified because I was an empath.
That was it.
This would be fine.