Chapter Ten
Karina
“My relationship with Austin started slowly. I know it’s wrong—” Elodie sat on the edge of the massage bed in my workroom with her legs dangling over the edge.
We were both between clients and had about twenty minutes until our next ones.
“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. This was the last thing I thought would happen.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me. I’m not judging your character.”
“I don’t know where to start.” She sighed, worry etching her beautiful face.
“You know you don’t need to explain or defend yourself to me, El. I only need to know what I can do to help you, both of you.”
I put my hand on her shoulder, and she squeezed it gently with her own.
“I can’t believe I didn’t realize what was going on. I always say how perceptive I am but looking back, even at the camping trip, it was so obvious. But . . .” I tried to bring my thoughts back to the issue at hand. “This isn’t about me, the important decision you need to make is what do you want? Do you want to try to make things work with your husband or be with my brother?” The sentence felt so ridiculous that I lit another candle to try to make myself feel a little calmer.
I had spent the last forty minutes moving things around on my shelves and making sure my new mood light from Walmart worked effectively. It cast either pastel or stormy colors on the ceilings and walls. I was definitely in a stormy mood, so I set it to that.
“I know what I want, but I don’t want to ruin Austin’s life. This is bigger than what I want, and he’s leaving soon, so I can’t expect him to change his whole life. And I’m having a baby. Phillip’s baby.” She pressed her hand against her round belly. In tumultuous moments like this it was somehow easy to forget that soon there would be another person, a newborn baby, here to add to the equation.
“I’m sure my brother doesn’t see this as life ruining. He’s not the most responsible person.”
Elodie winced at my words. I wasn’t helping but was trying.
“But even though I was blind, I can tell he is different with you.” I explained, “I’ve never seen him take care of anyone but himself, but he’s been trying with you.” I put my hands in my hair, pulling the rubber band out and redoing my ponytail to distract myself. “This is coming out wrong, I’m sorry. You should ask Austin what he wants before assuming you’ll be ruining anything for him.”
“This is such a mess that I didn’t mean to make. Je n’arrive pas à me décider. Maybe I should go back to my parents? Maybe they were right the whole time.”
I stayed quiet while she processed her emotions in real time. She went back and forth from French to English. I couldn’t relate to her stress level and I didn’t have a solution to offer her, so it was best to let her vent.
“I can’t be with Phillip anymore. For so many reasons. Not only because I had an affair and betrayed him.” She looked around the small room, her eyes landing on the cloudy ceiling. “But I love someone else. Not just an affair, I love Austin more than I knew was possible. I have never felt so much for anyone, except my child.”
Austin was so lucky to be loved by someone with a heart like Elodie’s. I wanted to say that, but she continued.
“I’m never going to feel safe with Phillip again. If he even wants to stay married, that is. I don’t know if my baby will be safe here either.” Her shoulders shook.
I reached for her hand and squeezed it. I couldn’t imagine the complexity of what she was feeling, trying to tie right and wrong together, trying to balance what she “should” do and what she wanted to do.
“Would you be happy if you went back to France? Is that really viable?” I asked her, doubting that she would make that choice.
“I’m not going to be happy anyway. I will never be happy, Karina. I need to accept that.” She whispered under her breath, “Je ne me sens plus chez moi en France.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“I’m no longer at home there, I feel so much more at home with you.”
“I love having you. You know that. But what makes you say that you’ll never be happy? You’re so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Sure, you’re going to struggle, we all do. That’s our rite of passage as human beings, but what on earth makes you so sure that you’ll never be happy again?”
“Because, Karina, I know how it feels to be in love now, and to be loved. Now that it’s been taken from me, I’ll only know the bitterness of regret and remorse. This is the punishment I must accept for the actions of my heart,” she explained, sadness overcasting her words.
I was speechless for once, not knowing what to say or how to react. I also now knew how it felt to be loved and to love another, and if that was taken away from me suddenly, without warning, I would feel the same. I usually had some sort of advice, something to add or offer, but I was blank.
“Is it awful that I wish I would have had a little bit more time? Just another week, another day, or even another hour with Austin, in that bubble of happiness? That’s all I keep thinking. I know it’s wrong, but I was so happy. For the first time in my life I felt like I wasn’t lost anymore. Like I was capable of being happy and a good mom, like I wasn’t completely crazy for moving here. It felt like things made sense, and now I’m scared again and miserable and can’t believe I’m bringing a baby into this situation. I never thought I was a bad person, but I am.”
I moved to hug her, petting her soft hair with one of my hands. Her stomach, as full as ever, pressed between us. “You are not a bad person, Elodie. Life is complicated and uncontrollable. I know your guilt is crushing you right now, but you are not a bad person.”
“I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Thank you for being here for me.” She hugged me tighter and I felt the warmth of tears touch my neck.
“I’m always going to be here for you. No matter what. You’re not alone and never will be, this will take a bit to figure out, but I’ll be here every step of the way,” I promised her. “ Je t’aime . That’s how you say it right?”
Elodie laughed. “Yes, that’s perfect. Je t’aime toi aussi .”
I closed my stinging eyes, finding myself wishing that she and my brother could run away together and raise the baby and live happily ever after. I knew that was so far from reality, that there was no possible way this could end well, but still I daydreamed about it for a moment. When I thought about the futures of Elodie, my brother, Kael, and Phillips, I had a pit in my stomach. Whether it was my anxiety or not, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was only the beginning of something bigger, something really bad, for all of us.
We closed our shift with three more clients, an unusually busy day, but we both needed the distraction, to say the least. I smiled down at my phone, staring at the selfies Kael had sent me throughout the day. I felt silly holding my phone up and giggling at my reflection on the screen. After ten attempts, I made a silly face and sent it before I could change my mind.
He responded immediately:
Wow, my first selfie from you. I’m honored.
Shush, I’m trying.
As I said, I’m honored. How was work? Are you home yet?
I looked around the messy lobby. I still needed to vacuum, wipe the counters down, move my bedding from the washer to the dryer, wait for it to dry, restock and fold the towels, do the bookkeeping for the day, check the schedule for the next day, and shut down the computer. I would be at the spa for at least another hour and a half minimum, and it was already eight. My eyes burned and I yawned while I responded to his text.
I have to clean up. Elodie’s gone home.
Do you want help?
No, you’re already so busy. I appreciate you offering, but I’m going to put my phone away and do it all as fast as I can. I’ll text you when I’m home, okay?
He didn’t respond as fast as he had been, so I put my distracting phone away and got to work. As I was wiping the front glass with a towel, I nearly jumped out of my skin when someone appeared through the little dots of cleaner I’d sprayed. My heart rate dropped when I realized it was Kael. I quickly unlocked the door and let him in.
“What are you doing here? I said I didn’t need help,” I said, though I was so damn glad to see him.
“No.” He kissed my forehead, hugging me with one arm, and then kissed the top of my head. “You said you didn’t want help, not that you didn’t need it.”
“You’re annoying.” I smiled, hugging him tighter.
“Thank you.” He laughed, his chest gently shaking against my body.
Kael took the towel from my hand and gently turned my shoulders toward the hall that led to the treatment rooms. “You take that side, and I got this side. Deal?” he offered, his beautiful face and warm voice rushing over me.
I nodded as he locked the door, deciding that instead of arguing with him or trying to do it all myself, I would accept his help without a fight, for once. We finished all the closing duties in less than thirty minutes and the shop had never been cleaner or more organized.
“Two is always better than one,” he said as he wound up the cord on the vacuum.
“You must be so exhausted.” I pointed to the paint, dirt, and unrecognizable matter covering his clothes.
He was dressed in a black T-shirt and sweats, but they were so covered in stuff that they looked like a designer outfit that was made to look that way.
“So do you,” he countered. “How’s Elodie feeling?”
“Her feet are really swollen, and I couldn’t stand the idea of her being on them any longer today. Plus Austin is at my house, so I figured I would give them some time.”
Kael rolled the vacuum past me and I followed him down the hall to put it back in the closet.
“He’s been practically withering away at my place the last few days without seeing her.”
“Are we accomplices in this whole thing? Like we both know this is wrong, but we’re basically aiding and abetting an affair.” I leaned against the wall.
“It’s not so black and white,” he said.
“I never thought I would be okay with an affair, under any circumstance, but I feel so bad for them. Phillips, too, to a point, but honestly, I hate him, so I don’t feel that bad for him. But does that make me just as guilty?”
Kael stepped toward me, cupping my face with his hands. “You’re not guilty of anything. They’re adults and they make their own choices. As people who care about them, all we can do is hope for the best and mind our business.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “You make it sound so easy. Mind my business, as if I’m capable of that.”
His espresso-colored eyes shone at me, humor in them despite the intensity of the topic. “You’re capable . . . when you’re distracted.” The air between us shifted and chills ran over me as he put his arms on either side of me, practically pinning me against the wall.
“Distraction sounds nice.” I gulped.
“It does.” His mouth moved to my chin, slowly kissing across my jawline.
He lifted me up, my thighs wrapped around his waist, and we moved into my treatment room, never breaking at the mouth. His kiss was wild, more desperate than expected, but I mimicked it, letting my built-up longing crackle and burst between us as he laid me on the bed. I never in a million years would have imagined myself as the type to do something like this at my workplace, but my house and Kael’s were full, and we both deserved the distraction, the connection that would drown out the rest of the world.