16. Ethan
Ethan
“You should have seen it, Mom. It was just so…God, it was gorgeous. I’m so happy I went.”
My feet are up on the coffee table at Colt’s as I talk to my mom on the phone. Fresh back from the trip to Belize, they’re now talking about Greece because Mom can take a contract that pays for their airfare.
“So no more fear of tent camping?”
“Well, yes, but with Colt, it was different. I’m glad I went.”
“How are you doing with that? When you last emailed, you said you’d moved into his place and seemed happy, but now that I hear your voice, I’m not sure.”
With a sigh, I lean my head back on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Mom has always been my rock and reads me better than anyone…until I met Colt, that is.
“Funny thing,” I begin, and clear my throat. “I am happy, Mom. I’ve made friends with townspeople, and I went to a paint class not knowing Colt was the teacher.”
“He teaches painting? That’s amazing. I didn’t know he was an artist.”
“Well, he’s not really. He likes to paint and teach people, even if he thinks he’s not good. I think he’s incredible.”
I think he’s more than incredible, but as each day passes that brings me closer to the end of my contract, I find it harder to share that with him.
“Ethan, you’ve always been a man with a plan. You never sat still for too long. Remember when you worked at the newspaper? You were never happy with just the scraps they assigned to you. It was always what’s next and what’s bigger. What are you thinking, son?”
“Well, the thing is…I don’t have a plan, Mom. Not a solid one, but I’ve been thinking about what I can do to stay here or close to here.”
“You can get a remote contract that wouldn’t require you to move. That’s easy for you. I can send you a list of places looking for marketing help.”
“I don’t want to do that anymore. The marketing all the time thing, I mean.”
There’s a pause before my mom speaks again.
“You love marketing…. don’t you?”
The question I knew she’d ask and the question I’ve been asking myself recently.
“Maybe at one point I did. I don’t hate it, but since I’ve been here, there’s something I used to love that I’ve rediscovered.” Drawing a breath, I voice what I’ve been thinking. “I miss photography. Not for advertising, but for capturing moments.”
“You want to be a photographer in a tiny mountain town? Are you sure that’s wise, Ethan?”
A small laugh escapes, and I look around the cozy living room of Colt’s apartment.
I’ve helped him unpack and settle in. I’ve worked at his kitchen table or on this sofa almost every day while he works at the ranch.
Sometimes I join him on trail rides and fishing trips.
I still maintain all the ranch media and do my job well, but the most work-related joy I’ve had in years is when I’m combing through photos of a group who gave me permission to document their experience.
Sharing images with those people and hearing their excitement brings me back to the simple time of photographing an old orange in the kitchen fruit bowl.
“Not exactly. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I’m going to ask the ranch if, when my contract is up, they’d consider keeping me on part-time or even commission-based. I’d offer photography to the guests at the ranch. It would be mutually beneficial.”
“It’s risky. What does Colt think of this?”
“I haven’t told him. I don’t want to until I crunch some numbers and see if I can make this work.”
“Your dad will tell you it’s foolish, you know.”
“I know.”
Not because he doesn’t believe in me or care, but because Dad always thinks of financial security and is used to long-distance relationships.
I don’t think I’m built like that, though.
My parents might be happy living most of their time apart, but I don’t want that.
I want late-night talks over pizza and morning coffee with sleep-mussed hair.
I want paint nights on random Wednesdays, and I want to live with my entire soul.
I don’t want to mark days on a calendar and count down for my next kiss.
I want it all, every day. If there’s one thing Colt has taught me, it’s that tomorrow is a gift, and you never know when it might vanish. I don’t want to waste a single tomorrow.
“This is what I want, Mom. Colt understands, and I think he wants me here, too.”
“I want you happy, Ethan. If Colt is as good as you say he is, then I support you.”
“Thanks, Mom. Enough about me. Tell me about this Greece adventure and if you’ll end up going.”
My mom chatters away, explaining the logistics of it all, and I can tell it excites her. This is her life and what she loves, but it’s definitely not mine. I want a place to call home. A comfortable place I’ll always have to seek shelter in. Not a phone call, but a physical place. With a person.
Colt is my home.
Now I just need to make it happen.
Colt holds the door open at the Saloon, and I enter ahead of him.
It’s another cheeseburger date night, but this one is different. As we slide into our seats, I glance at the mechanical bull in the corner.
“I’m doing it tonight. I’m riding that bull.”
Colt just smiles like he always does because I’ve said this before and never followed through.
“Uh-huh. Maybe if you say it enough times, you’ll actually do it.”
Laurel, the main server at Saddle Up, arrives and glances between us.
“Is tonight the night? That T-shirt isn’t gonna win itself, you know.”
Colt laughs and orders his usual. “He says tonight is the night, but we’ll see.”
After my usual order of an amazing cheeseburger with provolone and whatever beer they’re promoting tonight, I lean back and study Colt.
“Do you think I’m afraid to ride the bull?”
“Not really. I think you need to build your courage to do it, is all.”
Laurel returns with our beers, and Colt brings his to his lips. I watch his throat bob as he swallows before tasting mine.
“Courage can be a lot of things. Maybe it’s riding a bull, or maybe it’s something a little more life-altering.”
Colt hasn’t brought up my leaving for several weeks, but I know it’s on his mind.
I don’t have my details ironed out yet. Jesse wasn’t opposed to my idea, but asked for time to consider my suggestion and get back to me.
My savings are decent. One positive thing about my last relationship, if that’s what you want to call it, is that he paid for everything.
I banked most of my earnings from that time, and they’ll definitely come in handy now.
Colt bites at his lip. “Um, about that. I was thinking about…” He clears his throat and drops his gaze to the table. “I’ve been pretty obvious, I think, letting you know how much you’ve changed my life. At least I hope I have.”
“Not always obvious, but I know.” Colt isn’t big on words, and I think that’s one of his best qualities. Just because he hasn’t spoken the words doesn’t mean I don’t feel them in everything he does for me.
He nods and takes another drink. “I’ve been thinking about you. About life and stuff.” His warm gaze meets mine, and in that very moment, I know I’m riding the damn bull tonight, and with more certainty, I know I’m head over heels in love with this man.
“Sounds serious,” I tease, and when he doesn’t laugh or smile back, my heart sinks. “Colt?”
“I know you’re a city guy, and I’ve been trying to find something I could do in a city. Even if it’s like…in the winter when the ranch is slow or something. I’ve not been successful with that yet, but I want you to know I’m trying.”
My mouth drops open. “How come you’ve never said anything?”
Laurel arrives at that moment and places our burgers in front of us. “Bull starts after happy hour. I hope to see your name, Ethan.” She winks and leaves as fast as she arrived, and Colt’s soft smile returns.
“You’re not the only one needing courage, Ethan. Eat your burger.”
“You’d actually leave here? For me?”
Colt keeps his gaze on the table and adds ketchup to the bottom of his burger. It’s never the top because he doesn’t think ketchup should touch cheese.
He clears his throat, and it’s then I notice I’ve been holding my breath waiting for his answer, because what if I show all my cards and he’s not as invested as me?
“I think I’d do just about anything you need me to do, Ethan.” He takes a bite of his burger, and even though I’m hungry, it’s hard to eat when I feel like we’re on the edge of something big.
Colt loves cheeseburgers, though, and it seems his appetite isn’t affected like mine until he finally sets his down with a sigh.
“Maybe it’s the wrong place and time to tell you this, but since I met you, I’ve realized a lot of things.
” Colt reaches across the table with his palm up and a small smile.
After sliding my hand into his, he continues.
“My life is adequate, comfortable, and fulfilling. All good things, but it’s you who makes it extraordinary. Do you remember the first time we met? You asked me what I think makes a cowboy.”
“Yes. I remember. I teased you that you didn’t wear a cowboy hat, and you actually thought about the question. I liked that about you.”
“Liked what?”
“That you really thought about the answer and didn’t just roll off some canned answer to me.”
Colt smiles and dips his head. “I often overthink, but your question made me think about the answer more than I ever have before. A cowboy protects what’s in their care and often sacrifices their comfort to ensure that happens.
That’s just how it is, you know? We’re not just guides on a trail ride.
We’re stewards of the animals and people in our care. ”
Colt exhales and finally brings his gaze to mine. “Of all the people I’ve met and guided, you’re the first one who really made me see that’s what we do. It’s what I do.”
“I noticed. You’re always very attentive to everything around you. I thought it was just you avoiding conversation at first.” We both laugh softly, and Colt squeezes my hand.
“It probably was most times, but Ethan…I’d sacrifice my comfortable life and push a little out of my zone because I’m in love with you.
I think I have been for a while and didn’t realize it until I found myself on my laptop searching job sites and wondering how I could be with you somewhere other than here. ”
“Colt…”
My mouth goes dry, along with my words.
“I understand if that’s too much for you to hear, but it’s true. I don’t want to wake up without you one day, when there can be a solution if I step out of my town. Your work is in the city, and I can’t expect you to just forget all about that and park yourself here.”
“Fuck…this is…” I swallow hard and let his words sink in.
“I might have already found a solution to stay.” Colt’s lips part with a surprised huff.
“I didn’t want to say anything in case it didn’t work out.
You leaving never felt like an option. I don’t want to wake up without you either, Colt.
I love you too. So much it scares me sometimes because I’m thinking of riding a mechanical bull to impress you. ”
Colt laughs and removes his hand from mine. “Let’s eat. Then we clearly need to talk more, but not until you ride the bull.”
“Ha! I did it!”
Colt grabs the T-shirt from my hand and laughs. It’s just a mass-produced shirt with the saloon logo and ‘I rode the bull at Saddle Up Saloon, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’ across the front. It might be just a shirt, but to me it means so much.
“Are you gonna wear it at the ranch tomorrow?”
“I don’t mind bragging.”
I’m still smiling that I did it, and it wasn’t too scary. Definitely harder than I thought it would be, but I stayed on. The best part wasn’t getting the T-shirt, though. It was when Colt swooped me into his arms and planted the biggest kiss on me in front of the entire bar.
After grabbing our coats, we head outside to Colt’s truck. On this late summer night, the chill in the air reminds me how little time I have left here if my plan doesn’t come together.
The streets of Chance are quiet at this hour; the businesses closed up hours ago. The lights flicker on a few store signs as we drive through town. When the sign for the city park comes closer, I nudge Colt.
“Can we stop at the park and skip rocks?”
Colt glances my way before slowing and making the turn.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Not yet.”
Without another word, Colt parks and takes my hand as we walk through the darkened path until we stand on the riverbank. The moon isn’t as bright as the last time we were here, but it’s enough. Colt hunts for rocks, and instead of skipping them himself, he places them in my coat pockets.
“You’re not skipping any?”
He shakes his head. “You’re the one with all the thoughts tonight. I’ll fill your pockets with stones, and you can skip as long as you want. I’ll wait.”
I’ll wait.
Next to I love you earlier, it’s probably the best phrase to pass through his lips tonight.