Chapter 16 #8
Despite the wobble in my voice, the trembling of my lips, and the thickness in my throat, I get all of that out without shedding a single tear.
I keep facing forward, staring at Daniel, whose gaze is flicking from me to what’s going on behind me.
I can only imagine that Jim will be crying, Ash will be pouring them both a drink, but I’m not going to look.
Instead, I carry on with what happened that night.
“I stood at Jimmie’s front door with a wine bottle in each hand and my forehead pressed to the door.
I thought I would hear footsteps when someone came to open it, but I was so lost in my thoughts, going over what had just happened with Cam, that I missed them.
The door opened, I fell forward, and where I landed was home,” I say quietly.
“I knew instantly whose chest I was pressed against, whose arms were around me. I knew whose face was buried into my neck and was breathing me in. He brought us down to the floor. He held on to me; I held on to my wine.”
A ripple of laughter fills the room.
“We sat on the floor in Jimmie and Len’s hallway, and for the first time in four years—or as Sean pointed out, four years and eleven days—we had a conversation.”
I’m not going to tell the world my mum kept the letters from me because I don’t want my children or the public to think badly of her. Now I’m a parent myself, I understand her actions better, but I think I would still handle things differently than she did.
“There’d been a lot of miscommunication.
We discovered outside influences had been at play in keeping us apart.
But, at the end of the day, it basically came down to me not being willing, or maybe able, to listen to his side of the story and choosing to cut him out of my life.
It literally took five or ten minutes of sitting in Jim’s hallway for me to see things differently.
If I’d have done that four years earlier, we wouldn’t have spent those years apart. ”
“But then you wouldn’t have met Cam,” Dan says with his head tilted to the side.
“Wouldn’t I? How do you know that? Because I don’t. I might’ve divorced Sean and still ended up with Cam. No one can say with certainty.”
“So, that was it? You fall through the door, into the arms of your first love, and you’re instantly back together?”
“Pretty much.” I nod. “We spent most of the rest of the night talking, and it was like those four years had never happened. I know people will listen to this and watch the film and be like, and just like that, after all those years, you’re just instantly back together, but, yeah, we were.
I know no one else will understand it, but it felt right.
To us, we were exactly where we were meant to be.
We didn’t need anyone back then to understand, and I don’t need that now. ”
“And Cam?” Daniel asks.
“Cam was fucked,” my husband says beside me.
“I called him because I knew he’d be worried and told him we needed to talk.
I can’t remember if I told him I’d stayed at Jim’s, but he wanted to come and get me even though he needed to be at the airport in an hour.
I told him to go to his meeting, and we’d talk when he got home the following Monday.
That way, I’d have a chance to get my head around everything… or just delay the inevitable.
“That night, we all went out for dinner: me, Sean, Jimmie, Len, and Marley. It was like the old days, the five of us together at our favourite Indian restaurant. We sat and chatted, had a few drinks, and a few laughs. The boys weren’t rock stars.
I mean, obviously, they were, but that night, it was just us—a bunch of mates catching up.
My brothers, my bestie, me and Sean. That was, until we tried to leave. ”
Cam nudges my arm.
I look up at him, and he smiles, but I’m not sure how genuine it is. Both my stomach and heart free-fall.
“Don’t overthink this, but I’m gonna fuck off and leave you to it for a bit,” he says quietly as he starts to take off his mic. One of the runners moves in and helps him with it.
“You okay?” I ask, trying to hide the panic in my voice.
“Told you not to overthink it. I’m fine. You just don’t need me for this. I’ll be back when you do.”
His hand slides to the back of my neck, and he pulls my face towards his and kisses me. “I love you. You need anything?” he asks with his forehead against mine.
“Only you,” I tell him.
“Right here, baby. I’ll always have your back,” he replies while delivering another quick kiss.
I can’t decide right now if I want to kiss him, fuck him, or cry. I do none of those things. Instead, I turn back to face Daniel, who’s been watching our whole exchange.
“What happened when you tried to leave?” he asks.
“Someone had called the press—told them the boys were in the restaurant. It was a shitshow.”
“Fuck me, yeah, I’d forgotten about that,” Marley says. “Didn’t you get knocked to the floor, Jim?”
I don’t hear Jimmie’s response because I’m watching as Tanya, who was introduced to us yesterday as one of Daniel’s research team, steps in and says something in his ear. He nods, and my mind instantly goes to all the things a research assistant might uncover.
“How about all of you come down here and join us?” Daniel calls out. “You’re all a part of this. Would be great to have your input.”
It’s only then, I realise I’m holding my breath.
I release a long exhale as relief washes over me.
I don’t know what I was expecting, but I’m glad it’s this.
I smile up at Lennon when he sits down next to me on the sofa, only to be quickly turfed out by Jim.
Ashley sits on the other side while Len and Marley sit in front of them on the floor.
Rightly or wrongly, right at this very moment, I miss Sean.