Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
Scott
“I’ll have the paperwork sent over in the morning,” I say to James, a friend of mine who’s also a client. He hired me to do some legal work for his company. He called when I was in the storage room with Trina and asked if I could come to his office to go over changes to the documents we’ve been working on. I could’ve met with him later this week, but I did it today so I’d have an excuse to get away from Trina.
I couldn’t be around her. I was angry and taking it out on her. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it, but when I see something that reminds me of Megan, I can’t think straight. My emotions take over, and I feel this anger rising inside me. Anger over losing the girl I loved and the life we were supposed to have.
It was the sketches that set me off. Megan did them back when we were in college. I kept telling her my idea for inflatable furniture would never make any money. It’d already been done by companies that were bigger and had more experience. But Megan was certain I could make my idea work. She thought if she sketched out the designs for the products I wanted to make, my idea would feel more real, which would motivate me to keep going.
When she gave me the sketches, I was shocked. Megan was an art major so I wasn’t surprised by her drawing skills. What shocked me was how accurate she sketched the products I wanted to make. I’d described them to her, but in a rough way, not in any detail. Yet her sketches were exactly what I imagined. It’s like she went into my head and could see what I was envisioning. It proved how connected we were, on a level I still can’t explain.
Seeing those sketches, I loved Megan even more. She was determined to make me follow through on a dream I never thought would happen. She pushed me to start my company. To me, it was a side business, not something I thought would make enough money to live off of, so I continued down the path of being a lawyer and got a job at a law firm while also running the company. A few months into the job, Megan knew it wasn’t for me. I’m a free spirit. I like to make my own schedule. Be my own boss. She told me to quit and focus on growing the company, which I did, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The company took off and made me a very rich man. But I never would’ve done it if it weren’t for Megan. When she died, I decided I couldn’t keep the company. It was something we’d built together, and it didn’t seem right to continue it without her.
When Trina showed me that sketch in the storage room today, all those memories from the past came rushing back. Memories of being in college with Megan, graduating together, buying the house, asking her to marry me. That one piece of paper with a simple sketch is all it took to take me back there.
I didn’t want to tell Trina who did the sketches and I got angry when she kept asking. Even if I wanted to tell her, I couldn’t do it. Whenever I talk about Megan, I feel like I did when I lost her. The heartache. The pain. The anger that she’s gone. I feel those emotions just like I did back then. It’s like I’m reliving the most horrible time of my life.
That’s why I lost my temper today, but it doesn’t make it okay. Trina didn’t do anything wrong. All she did was ask some questions. But in that moment, seeing that sketch, I was lost in the past. I couldn’t find my way back to the present. My emotions were running high and I didn’t want to talk or answer her questions, or even be around her. I just wanted to get out of there.
“Hey, are you doing anything?” I ask Cole when he answers my call. It’s just after five and I’m back at my apartment.
“I’m watching TV. Why? What do you need?”
“Can you come down here? I need to talk.”
“About what?”
“Just get down here and I’ll tell you.”
A few minutes later, Cole walks in with a plate of cookies. “It’s a new recipe. Chocolate with mint chips. I made them for this girl I’m going out with who loves anything mint. I had some extras so I thought I’d share.”
“Thanks,” I say, pacing the floor. “Just put them in the kitchen.”
He goes over there and sets the plate on the counter. “What’s going on? Why are you wearing a suit? And why do you look like you want to punch someone?”
“The suit is because I just got back from a client meeting. And the only person I want to punch is myself.” I yank my tie off and toss it on the couch, still pacing the floor. “I really screwed up.”
He comes over to the couch and sits down. “You screwed up at your meeting?”
“No, with Trina. I lost it today when we were in the storage room. I yelled at her, and then I wouldn’t talk to her, and then I left. I just left her there, with no explanation. And now I feel like shit.”
“What the hell happened? You guys get in a fight?”
“No.” I sit down on the couch. “She brought up Megan.”
Cole’s eyes widen. “You told her about Megan?”
I shake my head. “She asked me about the sketches. The ones Megan did that pushed me to start the company.”
“I didn’t know you still had those.”
“I was going to toss them when I moved here, but I couldn’t do it. I still can’t.”
“Then don’t. You should keep them. They’re really good, and they’re what inspired you to start the company. If I were you, I’d frame some of them. Hang them in your office.”
“And be reminded of her daily?” I huff. “Yeah, I don’t think so. And it wasn’t the sketches that inspired me. It was the person who did them.” I rub my jaw, gazing at the floor. “God, I miss her. I miss her so much.”
“I know.” He moves over on the couch, closer to me. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “You could tell me what to do about Trina.”
“You could apologize. Say you were in a bad mood and didn’t mean to take it out on her.”
“But I wasn’t in a bad mood. I was in a great mood before she asked me about the sketches. She’s not going to believe that my mood changed that fast unless I explain why.”
“What’d she want to know about the sketches?”
“She thought I did them. I told her I didn’t, so she asked who did. That’s when I got angry. I said I didn’t know who did them, but she wouldn’t let it go. I told her to drop it and that I didn’t want to talk anymore. She got this sad look on her face, like she thought I was ending things between us. I should’ve told her it wasn’t true, but I didn’t. I was too caught up in the past. I was having all these memories of Megan going through my head and I couldn’t deal with Trina. I told her to hurry up and finish the storage room so we could be done with it. And then my client called and I left to go to the meeting.”
Cole shrugs. “Just talk to her and apologize for being a dick. Everyone has bad moments. She’ll understand.”
“Maybe, but then what?”
“What do you mean?”
“What the hell am I doing? I see her every day. She’s with me every night. We go out all the time. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I wasn’t even supposed to sleep with her and now she’s practically living with me. And yeah, I realize I’m the one who encouraged this, but it was never supposed to happen.”
“So why’d you do it? Why’d you let it get this far if it isn’t what you wanted?”
“Because I like being with her. I miss her when she’s not around. I keep telling myself to stop spending so much time with her, but then I end up at her apartment or I ask her to come over.”
“You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be with her, but still keep her at a distance. This isn’t like you and Bridget. It isn’t just sex. You actually have feelings for Trina.”
“Yeah, so what am I going to do about it? She’s the first girl I’ve felt anything for since Megan. I didn’t expect this. I don’t know what to do.”
“You could start by telling her about Megan.”
I look at him like he’s crazy. “Why the hell would I do that?”
“Because she’s part of who you are. Not telling Trina about her, you’re keeping a huge part of yourself a secret.”
“That part of me is gone. I left it in California.”
“You tell yourself that, but it’s not true. You’re still the Scott I knew back then. You’re still the guy with the big dreams. The big heart. The guy who’s always trying to help someone. Just look at this building. You bought it so people would have a cheap place to live while they work on their business. You believe in their dreams as much as Megan believed in yours. That’s the part of you that’s her. And it’s still with you, still part of who you are.”
I lean back on the couch, rubbing my jaw. “I think I need to end it.”
“Are you talking about Trina?”
“Yeah. I can’t keep doing this. It’s not fair to her. We said we’d keep this casual, but we haven’t. We let ourselves get to the place we’re at now. It needs to end before it goes any farther.”
“Or you could stay with her. See where it goes.”
“Are you serious?” I let out a harsh laugh. “Did you forget what happened today? I saw one piece of paper with a drawing on it and completely lost it. I couldn’t even talk to Trina after that. You really think she wants a guy who can’t keep himself together when he’s reminded of his dead fiancé?”
“I think she would if you told her the truth.”
“I don’t need to, because I’m not getting involved with her. I’m not going through that again. Megan was the love of my life and she was taken from me. If you knew how that felt, you’d understand. You’d know why I’ve chosen to stay single.”
“I get that, but I also know how happy you were with Megan. And I know you could be that happy again if you let yourself.”
“Yeah, so let’s assume I did that. I fall in love with a girl, we get married, and then she dies. From some freak accident. Or an illness. Or a car crash.”
“That could happen to anyone. It could happen to me. But we’re still friends. You’re not cutting me out of your life because you’re afraid of losing me.”
“It’s different when it’s the woman you love. Megan was everything to me. She was my future. And then, in an instant, she was gone. And sure, maybe something like that would never happen again, but why risk it?”
“Because you could have the life you wanted with someone else. I know it won’t be the same as being with Megan, but—”
“No. Megan was it for me. I had one chance at that life and it’s over.”
“Scott, come on. You’re not even 30. You really want to spend the rest of your life alone?”
“I’m not alone. I have my friends. My family. A business to run. I like my life. I’m not missing out on anything.”
I hear someone walking down the hall, then a knock on the door. “Scott? It’s Trina.”
“Shit,” I mutter.
“Guess I’ll be going,” Cole says, getting up.
Trina knocks again. “Scott? Are you home?”
“Be right there!” I call out.
“You sure you want to do this?” Cole asks.
“I have to. It’s gone on long enough.”
Cole walks to the door and opens it. “Hey, Trina.”
“Oh, hi, Cole. I didn’t know you were here. I can come back later.”
“No, stay. I was just leaving.” He goes past her out the door.
“Come on in,” I say, getting up from the couch.
Trina walks into my apartment and shuts the door. The energy between us feels off, like the spark we had has fizzled out and all that remains is a heaviness in the air. It’s almost like she knows what I’m about to say.
I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I can’t keep this going. I want to, but I can’t. It’s not right.
“Hey, about earlier,” I say. “Sorry about taking off like that. One of my clients wanted to go over some documents and he didn’t want to wait until later this week.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I got everything done. I mean, I think I did. You’ll have to go check for yourself, but I think it’s done.”
“That’s great. Thanks for finishing it up.”
She nods.
“You want to sit down?” I ask.
“I can’t stay long. I just want to say something.”
“Yeah, me too.” I walk up to her. “But why don’t we sit down?” I reach for her hand, but she pulls it back.
She looks down, then back up at me. “Scott, I think we should stop doing this.”
“Doing what?” I ask, but I think I already know the answer.
“This… whatever it is we’re doing.”
She’s ending this? I wasn’t expecting that. But I guess it’s good we’re both deciding this rather than just me.
“I was about to say the same thing,” I tell her.
“You were?” she asks, a sad look in her eyes.
Was she thinking I’d fight to keep this going? Maybe she was hoping for that, but I can’t do it. It’s best for both of us if it ends.
“We said we’d keep this casual,” I say. “And I think we can agree it’s become more than that.”
“It has for me. I know I said that wouldn’t happen but—”
“You don’t have to explain. I get it. It happened to me too.”
“It did?” she asks, sounding surprised.
I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t want her thinking I have feelings for her or that I’ve changed my mind about relationships.
“It was turning into what Bridget and I had,” I say. “A friends with benefits situation.”
I feel like shit for saying that. It’s not even close to the truth. What I feel for Trina is so much more than I ever felt for Bridget. But I can’t let her know that.
“Yeah, I guess it was,” Trina says, biting her lip. She glances back at the door. “That’s really all I wanted to say. I’m going to go.”
“Yeah, okay,” I say, needing her to go before I tell her how I really feel. How I want to keep this going, but can’t.
She goes out the door, back to her apartment. And that’s it. It’s over. The one chance I had to fall in love again is over.
But it’s for the best. For me, but also for Trina. She’ll find another guy. A guy who can actually be with her. As for me? I’m better off alone.