Ben - Just this once
I flinched.
That was true for me too.
Being with her, caring for her, it felt natural. I wasn’t tense or scared with her, but I couldn't cross that line. And it pained me that she seemed to desperately want me to.
“Why do you want romance so much?” I whispered in the dark.
“Why do you not?”
I laid there, turning over my thoughts, trying to figure out what to tell her.
“Is it me?” she croaked out, and the pain in her voice hurt to hear.
I shut my eyes. “No, Maggie.” Knowing that I had to tell her the truth to stop hurting her, I turned away from her warm body and stared up at the ceiling.
“My dad… He was in the FBI as well. When he died, my mother basically died too. She was walking around, sure, but she was a zombie, a ghost of her old self. Her soul was tethered to his, and without him…” I’d never told the whole story aloud before. Sure, Coleson and Conor had put pieces together, but I’d never said it straight out. “She couldn’t even stay and live for me. She put her romantic relationship before her own kid, and I just… I don’t want to repeat that kind of history. I don’t want to be so wrapped up in someone else that I destroy others. So, I need to stay away. It’s me.”
She was silent for a while. The only reason I knew she hadn’t fallen asleep was that she reached out and held my hand.
“You were only twelve,” she choked out.
Of all the things I said, I was surprised her brain went there. She didn’t ask more questions about my parents, she only cared about me. “Yeah, most people don't say only twelve.” I draped an arm over my forehead. “In that situation, I wished I was either younger or older.”
“Why?”
“I was in foster care for a couple months. No one wanted a twelve-year-old. And I was the youngest of the older kids. I was beaten up pretty bad a couple times by bigger teens.”
“Ben,” she choked out, gluing herself to my side with tears in her eyes, and it just about killed me.
“No, I don't want your pity, Maggie.” And I didn’t want her tears, either. I hated seeing her cry. I swallowed hard. “I ended up fine. I’m only telling you because I feel bad that I shit on romance. Some people shouldn't have romance, it’s too dangerous for them. Like my parents. Like me.”
“You’re not your parents,” she said softly.
I shrugged it off.
Because I could be.
I’d lose myself in her. For her.
I’d give everything up just to have her.
And that scared the shit out of me.
I think she could sense I was done talking about that specific part of the past, because then she asked, “How did you end up with Eileen?”
I snorted and rubbed a hand over my head. “I ran away and lived in Conor’s tree house for a couple days before Eileen found me. Conor was bringing food out to me, we were both scared shitless when she found out. We thought she’d scream at us.”
I could still picture the look on her face. The way her anger dissipated and she started crying and pulled me in for a hug. “She didn’t care how old I was. She wanted me.”
“That’s how it should be. Age doesn't matter. You were a child. You see how young all the kids I teach are? It’s crazy, you think you’re an adult in high school, but they're still so, so young. Every child deserves a loving home.”
We were both quiet for a while.
“What happened? Your last job? You said it went to shit.”
I groaned. “I hoped you forgot about that.”
“I didn’t. I could just tell you didn’t want to talk about it.”
She could read me back just as well as I could read her, and hearing that little fact confirmed made me feel off-balanced.
“Are you sure you want to hear?” I asked.
“If you want to talk about it.”
Maybe it’d be good to get it off my chest. To share the burden of my mistakes with someone else. Maybe after hearing, she’d stop wanting me. As bad as that would hurt me, it would be for the best. If someone was going to get hurt here, I’d much rather it be me.
“I was guarding a woman and her child.” My eyes went a little glassy. “I… I failed.” I dragged a hand down my face, trying to get the memory of that day to fade. “I won’t fail again. I won’t fail you Maggie, I promise.”
She squeezed my hand. “I know you won’t,” she said without an ounce of fear in her voice. “You said you won’t fail, and you don’t lie, right?”
How did she know exactly what I needed to hear to feel better?
“But…” she shivered next to me, “I might die of hypothermia. I feel like I’ll never be warm again.”
“Nah, I won’t let you.” I said with a laugh, grateful for the change in topic. “Use my body heat.”
She snorted and her green eyes sparkled with amusement in the dark. “That’s such a weird way to say cuddle , Ben.”
I smirked at her. “Fine, I guess we have to cuddle.”
“It’s okay, you don’t want to,” she said hesitantly. “I don’t want to get you sick.”
“Ha,” I blurted out. “I think we’re far past worrying about that now.”
She grimaced. “Sorry.”
I dropped a kiss on her shoulder and her breath hitched. “Nothing to be sorry about. And I want to.” Reaching out, I grabbed her hips and pulled her close so that her back was against my chest. I draped an arm over her stomach. “You never answered though,” I said groggily. It was late and the need to sleep was starting to crash into me.
“Huh?” she twisted her neck to peek at me.
“Why do you want romance so bad?”
“I just want…” She stopped herself. “I don’t want you to laugh at me when I say this,” she said firmly.
I rubbed down her legs and bit back a chuckle. “I won’t.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “The world is built for two, that’s just it.”
My eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t follow.”
“Just try to buy a ticket to something. It’s impossible to buy just one . Everything comes in pairs. And for some reason, I just got left behind. Always the single one. I watch these younger girls have someone love them and take care of them, and I just think, what did I do wrong? Why didn’t anyone want to love me like that? Why didn’t anyone choose me?”
“Maggie–”
“It’s true. And I sit here and question, why do they get someone to care about them and hold them at night? And I just get… no one. Just the whole bed, all to myself.” She sighed. “Sometimes I think it’s because I wanted it so badly that I strangled it.”
I snorted. “Like Curly and the rabbits?
She rolled around and faced my chest. “That’s terrible, Ben.”
“Sorry,” I smirked. “A kid begged me to give him practice Of Mice and Men quiz questions the other day, just stuck in my head.”
“I’m serious. I feel like the harder I’ve tried, the worse it’s gotten.”
“I don’t think that’s it,” I said slowly, trying to choose my words carefully.
She rolled her teary eyes. “What do you think, then?”
“I think…” I grabbed her hips and turned her around again, “you just haven’t met the right person yet.” And it’ll be a horrible day for me when you do. “Just keep digging,” I murmured.
It seemed she was done with the conversation, because she snuggled further into me. “You’re good at cuddling.”
I felt my lips tug up in a grin, despite my eyes being closed. “Yeah, yeah.” I knew I shouldn’t be in her bed, but I couldn’t help myself tonight. She needed me , I told myself, but I knew it was a flimsy excuse.
“This is just a one-time deal, Jinx,” I forced out, all the while knowing that the reminder was more for me than her.
She reached up and patted my cheek, almost like she was echoing my yeah, yeah.
And then I fell into the most comfortable sleep I’d had in years.