Maggie - Every Damn Time
Later that night, I tiptoed out of the room for water– of all things. I snorted as I reached for it in the fridge and Ben lifted his head from the papers to give me a sympathetic smile. He and Coleson had worked through dinner, pouring over papers and video evidence while whispering to each other in hushed tones. But now Ben sat at the table alone.
“Where’s Coleson?”
He jerked his thumb to the living room where he was passed out on the couch.
“He looks comfy.” I laughed at the way his big body was curled up with a blanket in the fetal position.
“Yeah, big baby,” Ben murmured.
I took in a deep breath and settled my gaze back on Ben. His dark five-oh-clock shadow was coming in, and I really hoped he’d forgo shaving again. He scrubbed at his head in a move of tired frustration. He looked lost… sad.
“They didn’t drug me to get me fired, did they?” I asked lamely.
Leaning back in his chair to regard me, he sucked in his top lip– his thinking face– then slowly shook his head.
“They want to kill me.” I sucked in a deep breath at hearing myself say it aloud.
“You already knew that, Maggie,” he said gently.
A shiver ran through my body. “Yeah, I know, but after today, it… It just feels more real.”
“I’m going to protect you,” he said forcefully. His face screwed up like he wanted to say more, but he was having a hard time.
“I know,” I said quietly, walking over to place a water bottle in front of him.
His entire body looked tense, like he was braced for a blow. “You believe me?”
“Yes.” I lightly trailed a hand over his shoulders and his eyes fell closed. I came to stand right next to him and one of his arms wrapped around my waist. I was glad to give him the reassurance he so desperately seemed to need at that moment. I easily moved onto his lap, straddling him, then leaned my head against his chest and held him. He let out a deep breath and the tension seemed to slowly seep from him. I smoothed a hand over his buzzed head and continued to hold him. I’d hold him for as long as he needed.
I’m not sure how long we’d stayed like that when I finally said, “Come to bed with me.”
The tension flew right back into his body and I immediately regretted opening my mouth.
“I…” He looked pained, as if he was torn between wanting to go with me and staying here to work more. He finally shook his head, his eyes on the papers in front of him. “I shouldn’t, Maggie.”
Feeling the sting of rejection, I scrambled off him. I chastised myself as I moved toward the hall to my room.
His voice came out ragged, like it was drug over coals. “That was a one-time thing. I need to keep my head. I need to focus.”
“I get it.” I crossed my arms over my chest, holding my own damn self so I wouldn’t cry. “That was stupid of me to say, never mind.”
“Maggie, no, I–” He cut himself off.
Glancing over my shoulder, he was holding his head, like it pained him to stop talking.
“It’s okay,” I said quietly, not wanting him to beat himself up. “Goodnight, Ben.”
His throat bobbed with a swallow. “Goodnight, Mags,” came his raspy reply.
Like the universe knew what happened, my phone dinged with an incoming text as soon as I stepped over the threshold into my bedroom.
Ethan.
Seeing his name on my phone made me want to groan and toss it away from me. I didn't want his time or attention. I didn’t want anything from him.
I just wanted Ben.
But he just made it clear that we wouldn’t be happening.
So I had to settle, right? And it was good if the guy maybe liked me more than I liked him, right? Maybe that’s what everyone did. They just continued going out with whoever continued to ask them out? And maybe feelings would eventually grow?
I threw myself on my bed and felt the tears spring to my eyes. Why was this so fucking hard? Why was it always so extreme and uneven for me? The person I literally loved didn’t want me, the person I loathed did. So what was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to be alone anymore.
And then, the worst thought imaginable popped in my head: What if… What if the way I thought about Dr. Whitaker was the way Ben thought about me ?
What if Ben wanted to groan and toss me aside but he couldn’t because it was his job to stick with me? What if spending time with me was forced and stilted for him ?
But that couldn’t be… could it? I was just overthinking this… I know what I felt between us. I know what I saw. What his sister claimed to see as well. The stolen glances. The way he dropped a kiss on my head when he thought I was fully asleep. The way he said, I notice you .
He did want me. He just wouldn’t let himself have me.
I felt an urgency to fix this– even though I had no clue how– because we were in a race against time in more ways than one…
I’d been counting down the days until the trial since this whole thing started, wanting it to get here as quickly as possible. Because that meant I was truly safe. That meant I’d be fine. But now… Now I had a feeling I’d never be fine ever again if I didn’t have Ben.
Now I wanted more time.
________
By the next morning, I still hadn’t responded to Ethan yet, and it felt like my phone was burning a hole in my pocket. I typed out multiple messages just to delete each one before sending… I didn’t know what to even say to him– if I should force myself to go, if I should turn him down, how I’d go about turning him down– and honestly, I just needed another girl’s perspective.
As soon as the lunch bell rang, I made an excuse to Ben to run to the break room for a coffee, but really, I just needed to talk with Kelly– alone.
I bolted to her as soon as I spotted her blonde head near the coffee machine. “I need quick advice.”
She laughed. “Happy Monday to you, too, girly.”
“Sorry, I just…” I slapped my phone on the counter. “I need help.”
Realizing I was serious, her face sobered. “Okay, what’s wrong?”
“Ben.”
She threw her head back, laughing. “I knew it! I fully knew it! There’s way too much chemistry between y’all for something to not happen. Did you guys hook up? Was it amazing?” Her eyes brightened. “I mean, his body … Girl! You need to tell me everything.”
“No!” I looked around us to make sure no one else had entered the teacher’s lounge. This was so not appropriate to be talking about here. “We haven’t even kissed,” I quietly hissed.
She pouted her lip out in disappointment. “Dang it. Ya know the football kid named Johnny? He’s one of the seniors who volunteers to read aloud to the little ones every week and he told me he saw you guys almost kissing!”
I smacked my forehead. “Why are the kids gossiping about us? Why don’t they gossip about each other?!”
She snickered. “So, you didn’t kiss or you did?”
“We’ve almost kissed, like, a couple times. And I like him, okay? Like, a lot.” I sounded so pathetic. I swallowed hard. “I’ve never liked anyone to this level before and I didn’t even know I could still feel this way about someone. But he’s not going to cross any lines with me. And this other guy– who is perfectly good on paper– asked me out again. But in person we just, we don’t click. We disagree on a lot and he’s very pompous and I don’t want to go out with him, but… But I can’t go out with Ben, so what do I do? Do I force myself to give this other guy a chance?”
She gave me an amused smirk. “Okay, first off, take a deep breath.”
I sucked in. “Okay, now what?”
“Breathe out, jeez, girl.” She playfully shoved my shoulder. “Second, remember this – if you’re meant to be with someone, it will be. You can’t mess up fate, you’re not powerful enough.” She shrugged. “None of us are.”
“I don’t know,” I said warily.
“Well, I do know. Believe me. If it’s meant to work out with Ben, it will work out.” She tapped her lip in thought and scrunched her face slightly. “But maybe you could give him a little nudge.”
“Nudge?”
“Yes.” Her face brightened with a mischievous grin. “This is what you’re going to do: You’re going to say yes to this date.”
“But–”
“So you can make Ben jealous.” She wagged her eyebrows. “You said he wouldn't cross that line with you? Well, you need to tempt him. Push him to cross the line with you.”
“Really? You think that’d work?”
“Yes. I know it’ll work.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “I swear, the way he looks at you. You two have unmatched chemistry. He just needs the push.”
“Okay,” I said, breathing out. “I’ll say yes to the date.”
__________
Ben was not happy about the date– actually, that was an understatement. He was downright furious.
“We should be in lockdown mode, Maggie. Why make it easier for them to get to you? This is irresponsible,” he said with a scowl on his face.
I shouldered my purse as I walked to the door. “You can protect me,” I threw casually over my shoulder. “Can’t you?”
He muttered a curse to himself and then continued to mumble about this being a terrible idea as he followed me into the hallway.
In the elevator, his body radiated tension. He was completely silent, but his jaw was working overtime– clenching like crazy– as we walked through the parking garage to the Escalade.
I wanted to scream at him that this was his fault. If only he’d just give in and let himself be with me then I wouldn’t have to go out with anyone else.
But we were at a stalemate.
He wasn’t moving, so I had to figure out a way to make him.
And he could eat his heart out at the bar by himself until he manned up.
The date was once again horrendous.
Ben shook his head at me from the bar multiple times, but I steeled my spine and pushed through it– for the greater good. For us, Ben.
While ordering, Ethan winked at the young waitress multiple times, which made me want to choke on my wine, and his icy blue eyes went straight to her ass each time she walked away.
And the conversation was even worse than last time.
On multiple occasions, I wanted to say, careful, Ethan, your chauvinistic side is showing , but I kept quiet. I nodded along like a robotic doll and let things slide with a forced smile on my face.
When the bill came, he took out his card, then nudged the little plate towards me– clearly telling me to pay my half.
Ben looked thunderous as I pulled my card out and laid it on top of his.
I was just happy to be leaving soon.
As soon as we stood from our chairs, Ethan’s arm went around me, but not in a caring way. No, his heavy arm felt possessive, and I wanted to brush it off me, but I grit my teeth and kept moving.
I was rewarded with my playing-it-cool efforts when I caught the murderous look on Ben’s face as he glared at Ethan’s arm around me.
Walking out into the cold night, my mind raced through multiple excuses as to how to refuse a kiss from him, but he never gave me a chance to even speak one into existence.
Before I could react, he planted his wet lips on mine. Cold, wet, slobbery. All fucking wrong. My body shivered in a bad way, and it took everything in me not to shove at his chest.
When he finally pulled back. He gave me a wink. “And now I'll sleep soundly, dreaming of that kiss.” He sighed and that smarmy smile was back on his face.
Barf. Barf in my mouth.
“Unless…” He cocked an eyebrow.
“Unless?”
He tsked. “Oh Margaret.” He shook his head. “You’re gonna make me say it?” He straightened his jacket and gave me a deadpan look. “You know…”
Was he serious? He thought I’d go home with him after he stared at the waitress all night?
“Ummm… Not sure that I do know?” I asked more than said.
He smoothed his hand down my spine and I was grateful for having a heavy jacket on so I couldn’t feel his contact as much. “Come back with me to my place for a nightcap. Among other… things. ” His fat tongue darted out and I think something in me shriveled up and died.
Ben cleared his throat loudly, making me jump.
I fixed a fake smile on my face. “I don’t think it’s the best idea this time.”
“Ah. So there will be a next time then, eh?”
Ben’s murderous glare went from him to me. He gave me a slight negative head shake, warning me not to agree to another date.
That had me grinning for real for the first time tonight. “A lady never shows her hand,” I said coyly.
Ethan pursed his lips in a way that I bet he thought made him look attractive, but I thought it just made him look slimy. “You little minx.” He leaned in for another kiss and I had to force myself not to recoil. At least this time it was a slobbery forehead smooch. I had to force my hand not to immediately wipe away the residue. “I’ll see you next time.” He turned to stroll away, but not before glancing at Ben and saying, “You might want to keep a better leash on your servant next time.”
I physically stumbled because I was so taken aback. “Serv–”
“I mean public servant, of course.” He shot Ben a wink before leaving and I was too nervous to look up and see his reaction.
A tense couple seconds of silence stretched between us until Ethan was out of ear shot.
“Get in the fucking car, Maggie.” His voice rumbled with a growl.
I slowly turned to face him. Oh, he was angry alright. With his brows down, and his mouth in a harsh line, Ben’s anger was practically palpable as he stalked passed me and threw open the passenger door of the Escalade. “Get. In.”
A jittery nervousness skated through my body at his demand. I had to force myself to keep cool so I didn’t blow it.
The ride home was silent and tense. His face resembled thunderclouds, but I didn't dare utter a word.
The temptation to fill the silence with words, to ease his tension and make him feel okay, was practically bursting inside me, but I needed to squelch it. If I made excuses and soothed his anger, then taking that slobbery kiss was for nothing. He needed to sort out his feelings, and I couldn’t interfere.
He didn’t say a thing until we were back inside the dark hallway in the apartment.
“Hope you’re happy,” he grumbled as he toed off his shoes in the entryway. He was stuck behind me, against the door, waiting for me to pry my boots off. “That was horrible, and you know it.”
I rolled my lips together and threw him a curious glance over my shoulder. “ What was horrible?” I asked, playing aloof as I dumped a boot on the ground.
“That fucking kiss.”
I had to stop myself from grinning triumphantly. I got him right where I wanted him. “Why? Aren’t all kisses like that?” I mumbled as nonchalantly as I could.
“What? No. That wasn’t…” He shook his head and looked away.
“That wasn’t what?” I pressed, forcing myself to keep an even tone despite my violently racing heart.
“It wasn’t right.” He finally batted my hands away and easily ripped off my right boot and dumped it on the ground, forcing me to look at him as he said, “ He isn’t right for you, Maggie.”
I arched an eyebrow. “How do you know?”
He balled his fists by his side and his jaw muscles went a little crazy, like he was gritting his teeth to hold back from saying something.
“Because that’s not fair, you know,” I said tightly.
He ran his tongue over his teeth, looking frustrated. Yeah, well, get in line buddy, I’m already at the frustration station .
“How is it not fair?” he finally asked.
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked him up and down. “You can’t just say that it wasn’t right, but then not tell me how you know.”
He shook his head and bit out a humorless chuckle. He went to move around me, but I stepped in his way.
He took a swift step back from me. “God, you’re pushing me Maggie. You’re pushing me and I don’t… I can’t…” He hand raked over his hair and his fiery eyes finally settled on me. “I just know, okay?”
“You… know?” I drawled, closing the space between us so our chests were almost touching.
“I know,” he said between clenched teeth, eyeing me with equal parts wary reluctance and desire, “because I know how I would kiss you.”
I reached out to touch his chest. His breathing seemed to quicken, but he kept both his hands braced on the walls. His eyes drifted to my lips.
“And it wouldn’t be like that,” he dropped in a thick voice.
My heart pounded against my chest as we stared at each other in the dark hallway.
“Then show me,” I challenged.
“What?” His face cracked in disbelief. “No.”
“Why not?”
His throat bobbed with a swallow.
“How will I know then? How will I know what’s right?” I was pushing him. I fully knew it, he fully knew it, but I wouldn't stop.
He didn’t budge, but his eyes jumped to my lips again.
I cocked my head to the side, studying his sharp cheekbones, his puffy lips, the birthmark under his right eye. “You know what I think? I think you’re a wimp, Ben Capretti.”
Air punched out of him as he gave me one last dark look.
I cocked my head to the side, baiting him. “Yeah,” I nodded, “You’re a wimp.”
He snapped.
In an instant, his palm slid to my jaw, his fingers curling around the base of my head, and his warm lips crashed down on mine.
The world practically tilted on his access, and it was like he was breathing me back to life as he teased my lips apart with his tongue, causing an electric current to zip through my body.
He pushed deeper into the kiss, tugging my hair with one hand, pulling my body closer with his other hand.
Suddenly, he whirled us around, so my back was to the wall, and he jammed his knee up between my legs, pinning me there, making me feel even more, making me want even more.
And as quickly as it happened, he was pulling away.
My eyes stayed closed for a fraction of a second.
“Fuck.” He looked rattled, his chest heaved with uneven breathing. His dark eyes went from my lips to my eyes, and back again. His voice was hoarse when he said, “I’d kiss you like that. Every damn time.”
And then I launched at him, kissing him back just as fervently. One hand grabbing a fistful of his shirt to bring him down to me, the other racking over his buzz cut. I never wanted to stop, and the way his hands explored me, he wanted this just as badly as I did.
He mumbled against my lips, “Are you sure–”
I kissed him harder.
He broke away from my mouth only to lightly suck and bite down my neck, making goosebumps erupt over my entire body. Attraction bloomed inside me, through me… This. This was passion. He sucked hard on my neck then, making me release a moan, which seemed to encourage him, and he found my lips again.
He walked us backwards, but I guess I wasn’t fast enough, because his hands went to my thighs and he was lifting me, all while not breaking the kiss.
He roughly plopped me on the counter and spread my legs to make space for himself and then his forehead rested on mine. “God, I love this.” His hands jutted up into my hair. “Your hair drives me crazy.” His eyes jumped all over me. His thick hand trailed down my neck. “Everything about you drives me crazy.” He swallowed. “Maybe we shouldn’t be– ”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into another kiss. “Don’t you dare stop,” I mumbled against his lips.
We were a frenzy of limbs then. He tugged my shirt down and his hand quickly found exactly where I needed him. His fingers twisted, making me gasp into his mouth from the mixture of pain and pleasure.
“Bed.” He said against my lips.
Then he was picking me up again. I sucked a spot on his neck, making his whole body shiver. “Fuck,” he rasped out. “Keep doing that and this will be over before it’s started.”
I laughed against his neck.
“That too.”
Suddenly I was tossed back on my bed. His arm muscles moved impressively as he climbed toward me.
His large hand settled on my stomach. “Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes finding me in the dark.
Was I sure? I was a relationship girl. Usually I needed a conversation before any action occurred. But what if I never felt this again? There was something special between us that I’d never had before, and I didn’t want to let it pass me by.
And it was Ben.
I felt safe with him.
I wanted this. To feel fully connected to him.
“Yes,” I whispered, smoothing my hands down his rigid muscles.
His hands found the exact spots I needed him, making it feel like he knew my body better than I did, making me understand what good spice felt like for the first time in my life.
My hands went to the bulge in his pants, and I gasped into his mouth.
He broke away breathlessly. His brown eyes filled with concern. “You good?”
“You’re big,” I panted, my eyes wide.
He grinned and dipped his head, kissing down my neck, taking his time as he made his way all the way to my breast, where his tongue swirled, making my back arch. He sucked and my hips bucked against the mattress.
“You can take it,” he said.
I reached for his pants again, but he smoothed my arms over my head and continued kissing me.
“I don’t know,” I said warily, my eyes fluttering closed from the pleasure. “What if it doesn’t fit?”
“It will,” he said confidently, his hands trailing down my body, teasing me until I felt on edge.
When he finally slid in, he went all the way to the hilt, shocking me. A mixture of pleasure and pain hit me all at once, and he went still.
“Breathe baby,” he soothed.
“You do have to say that to me a lot,” I rasped.
He grinned wickedly. “You okay? Can I move?”
“Yes.” I needed him to move. I wanted more. I wanted everything with him.