Ben - Whispers of forever
Being with her was like a dream come true.
Coming down from our high, the thought popped into my head that I could do this forever. I could be with her forever, I could make her make those breathy noises forever, I could just lay here with her forever.
It was a moment of pure bliss.
But that’s just it.
It was just a moment.
And now that I was laying beside her in the dark, I couldn’t stop the thoughts from bombarding me.
“Hey,” she said sleepily, breaking into my inner world. “You okay?” She smoothed further into me and grabbed my arm to wrap it around her waist.
I hoped she couldn’t tell I was shaking and on edge of a panic attack. “Yeah, fine,” I forced out.
She patted my hand. “Sleep. Everything will be better in the morning, okay? Things are always better in the morning.”
That might be true. But that also meant I had to get through hours of darkness. Hours of my brain going crazy on me. And that felt… daunting.
“You sure you’re okay?” she asked again.
Tell her, tell her, I shouted at myself. You’re not okay.
But I couldn't.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yeah, fine,” I forced out the lie.
It felt like I loved her and doomed her all within the same breath. And it was all too much.
Because this thing between us, these feelings of forever… they were dangerous. The most dangerous thing in the world. Because that meant we’d destroy each other before we left each other.
And it was already happening. Every second I spent in her bed was me destroying her, because that was a second away from working her case.
I wanted so badly to just be with her. Why couldn't I just fucking be with her like a normal person? I just wanted to love her. But my head, my guilt, my fear, it wouldn’t shut up, it wouldn’t let me. As hard as I tried, I couldn't box up my thoughts. And it was so damn tempting to wake her up, to ask her for reassurance, but I couldn't do that to her.
I wouldn’t expose her to this panic that consumed me, coursed through me, made my whole body fucking tremble.
My head and heart were in shambles while she slept soundly next to me.
Come morning, I’d never be able to focus on work.
My hand traced down her smooth body. I’d never have a clear head when it comes to this case again. Maybe I never had one in the first place, and that’s why it was so fucked from the start.
I cared.
I cared way too damn much.
I wasn’t focused enough on the situation because I was too focused on her, and I was missing things. If I didn’t leave her alone, I’d do more than just break her heart. I’d take her light. Her death would be on my hands.
This was why romantic relationships were off limits for me. Focusing too much on one person was a bad thing, a dangerous thing.
I crossed a line with her that I couldn’t uncross, and because of that, I knew what I needed to do.
________
“Ben?” The hardwood floor creaked. “Where are you?”
No. My eyes slammed shut. She wasn’t supposed to be up yet.
I cleared my throat. “Coleson will be down in a few minutes.”
Silence, then, “Coleson? Why?” She had her throw blanket wrapped around her as she tiptoed into the cold hallway.
I hung my head.
“Why… Why do you have a bag?” her voice went shaky.
I needed to rip off the bandaid. I squared my shoulders to face her, but I couldn’t meet her wide green eyes. I kept my gaze trained above her head. “I’m no longer on the case.”
Her mouth dropped open and she rushed toward me, but I smoothed a step back, shocking her.
She swallowed hard. “Why?”
My jaw clenched. This was too hard. I couldn’t–
“Ben, I asked why,” she snapped.
Tense silence stretched between us.
I licked my lips. “Lock doors behind you. Don’t stay in your car after you drive somewhere, go inside immediately. Make sure you look behind you before you back up in cars. Make–”
“Ben, no.” She looked stricken.
I needed to power through this. To power on. “Make sure you–”
“Stop.” Her chin quivered and it felt like a knife to the gut. “I don’t know what you’re doing.” Her eyes jumped all over my face, searching for the answer. “We can talk about this. You don’t… You don’t have to leave.”
“Make sure you give Gigi enough water and take her out as soon as she nears the door.”
“Don’t do this,” she begged. A tear escaped and streamed down her face. She looked so small, smaller when she wrapped her arms around herself. I wanted so badly to go to her, to hug her and never let go. But that was the problem– I'd never let go.
“And make sure you tell the kids I said goodbye,” I said with finality.
“No, Ben.” Her face crumpled as she cried harder and it just about killed me.
“I’m sorry,” I rasped out, turning for the door.
“I won’t kiss you again, okay? I’m sorry I kissed you. I’m sorry–”
“No, no, Maggie.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I wanted–” Damnit this was too hard. “It was my fault, okay?”
“I won’t do it again, I promise,” she whispered.
I dropped my head. “It’s not that.”
“Then what? What is it?” she asked desperately.
“ I won’t be able to stop, Maggie. All I can think about is kissing you again, holding you, keeping you.”
“What’s wrong with that?!” the agony in her voice, in her eyes, killed me.
I shook my head. She didn’t get it. My next step toward the door seemed to light a fire of anger in her.
“ You’re a liar ,” she screamed at me.
I paused in the doorway, biting my inner cheek so hard it could draw blood. I deserved this. I deserved these words from her.
“You’re a liar. You said you wouldn’t leave me. You promised you’d protect me, but you’re just leaving me here? Alone?” Her teary voice cracked.
I’m leaving in order to protect you.
“I’m sorry, Maggie.” I swallowed hard.
I couldn’t look back at her or I’d break my resolve and never leave her alone. And she didn’t need that. She didn’t need me. She needed someone fully focused on keeping her alive .