Maggie - Can I help you?
Last night was a dream.
Crashing down together, I traced his scruffy eyebrow, then rubbed a thumb under his eye. I wanted to commit every line and groove in his face to memory. I wanted to fully embrace and enjoy just being with him. I had a feeling we could do nothing for the rest of our lives except lay here together and I’d be okay with it, and that made a certain contentedness come over me as I snuggled into him to fall asleep.
We finally gave into the chemistry between us.
We finally figured it out.
But why wasn’t he moving to cuddle?
“Hey,” I said, fighting off a yawn, “you okay?” I grabbed his arm and wrapped it around my waist.
“Yeah, fine,” he answered.
The only problem was that I didn’t believe him at all. I could feel the anxiety coming off him in waves.
“Sleep.” I patted his arm. “Everything will be better in the morning, okay? Things are always better in the morning.” I tried to say it with conviction, because I knew it to be true.
He was silent for a beat. His body behind me felt all tense and coiled up.
“You sure you’re okay?” I asked, trying to turn to face him, but he kept me still and pulled me against him.
“Yeah,” he rasped out.
I was wrong about the morning though… Because this particular morning turned into a nightmare.
I crumpled onto the ground in tears and stared at his empty wake for what felt like hours, trying to piece together what happened.
He left. He really left. Just like that.
But… But… Why?
________
The following week felt like I was wading through water. The only thing that kept me going was that I had a strong feeling that Ben would be back. Because he couldn’t just leave me here without explanation. He just freaked out. He just needed space. Right? That had to be it. Because there’s no way he could move on so abruptly and just completely shut down. That’d be practically inhuman… So, I convinced myself I was right– he would be back.
With Ben gone, Coleson was now in charge of the case. His large presence was now at the back of my classroom each day, but gone were his jokes and smiley nature. He kept his mouth shut and focused on the mission, and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with Gigi, so she had to stay home.
The kids missed Gigi, and they missed Ben. They didn’t say it straight out, but I could tell each time they asked where he went, and each time was like a suckerpunch to the heart.
Coleson put me on “lock-down mode” so I was only allowed at the school and then home, but this time I didn’t even care. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I was just barely making it through each school day without falling apart– it was a talent really, to be able to box up your feelings and make it through the day when you felt like utter shit– a talent that I seemingly did not have, because I cried every day at lunch.
We weren’t even truly together. I knew I was being ridiculous. But Ben became more than just a potential love interest. He became my friend. My best friend. And now he was just gone… out there somewhere… freaking out by himself.
I texted Ben multiple times and even tried to call him, but his number was now disconnected, and each time I begged Coleson to let me know where he was, he flat out refused.
The other shitty thing about this week– Hunter and Archie were missing. There were no reasons given for their absence– I asked the attendance office each day. I called their home multiple times, but to no avail.
I even resorted to asking little Emma if she knew where her buddy was. It just about broke my heart when she pouted out her little lip and said she didn’t know and that she missed her best friend. She refused to let anyone sit in his seat while he was gone.
By Thursday, I decided to track down Johnny, thinking he might have a clue about Hunter.
“Haven’t seen him.” He grimaced. “I’m worried about him though. I’d go over to his house but…” He reached up and adjusted his hat. “My mom banned me from going there because…” His face pinched. “Well, you probably know why.”
I gave him a nod and told him to contact me if he heard anything.
I knew I shouldn’t have been snooping into why they were missing, especially because Ben warned me to keep my distance, but something about the whole situation just didn’t sit right with me, and I couldn't exactly stop myself from worrying.
“Do you think…” Coleson started to ask me at the end of the day on Thursday, then he shook his head.
“Do I think what , Coleson?” I drawled.
He grimaced and shifted his weight. “Do you think maybe you’re hyper-fixating on finding the Green boys because you’re trying not to think about Cap? They could just be out of town or sick at home or something.”
I slammed my laptop shut and glared at him. “There is no correlation, Coleson. Thank you very much for making me feel pathetic and crazy.”
He sighed. “I didn’t say–”
“You didn’t have to say,” I snapped.
“Getting in trouble for my thoughts again,” he grumbled more to himself than me.
But he was wrong. Because I knew with my whole heart that if Ben were here, he’d be helping me look into why Hunter and Archie disappeared.
By Friday, I went down to the office to demand they look into why the Green boys were missing a whole week of school without any explanation.
The attendance secretary just gave me a shrug. “You’re new here. This isn’t new behavior for Mr. Hunter.”
“Has his guardian been tracked down and talked to?” I asked.
“Calls have gone out.” She shook her head. “That brother of his– I remember him from when he went here– he’s trouble with a capital T. Not the type to care much about school.”
“But Hunter cares.”
She raised a curious eyebrow. “You sure we’re talking about the same Hunter?”
“He cares about art,” I told her, feeling oddly defensive for him.
Turning her attention back to her computer, she said, “I’m sure they’ll turn up come Monday. Says here that they’re on the meal plan.”
Her words were meant to ease my anxiety, but they did the opposite. Because that meant they might be going without proper food right now.
________
The weekend passed by agonizingly slowly. I didn’t even argue to leave the apartment. I was content to stay holed up in bed reading romance books with Gigi by my side. I think Gigi sensed I was sad, or maybe she was sad as well over Ben leaving. Either way, she stayed tucked close to me all weekend.
I told myself that if I was going to cry, I wanted it to be about fictitious people rather than my own situation, so I chose the most heartbreaking books to download on my kindle, hoping that the girls of Goodreads promise of making me cry would come true. Spoiler alert– they were right every time.
When I came out of my room in my pj’s and a tear-streaked face for some ice cream in the freezer, Coleson’s face turned to stone.
“I’ll kill Ben,” he said solemnly.
A pathetic hiccup-laugh blubbered out of me. “No, it’s not him. Well, it’s him, too. But… Gah, she married him and then he went and died on her and now everything they built together is just… Gone.”
He looked alarmed. “What?”
“In my book,” I explained.
“Holy shit, I thought you were talking about–”
“Rrr,” I crossed my arms over my chest, “watch your language, sir.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He blew out a sigh.
I paused. “Wait, who did you think I was talking about?”
“No one,” he responded too quickly, looking caught.
I squinted up at him. “I’m onto you, Joseph Coleson.”
He shooed me away. “Get your sad girl ice cream and get out of here.”
I marched to the fridge, grabbed my carton of Ben and Jerries, grabbed a spoon, then slammed the drawer closed with my hip.
He gave me a wink on my way back to my room. “Let me know if you need anything, Jinx.”
I almost argued back that what I needed from him was the one thing he refused to give me– a way to contact Ben– but I knew it’d be a waste of energy that I just didn’t have.
As I stared at my bookshelf of romances, I couldn’t help but think that I let my one chance, my one big romance in life, slip through my fingers.
No, he let it slip through his fingers. And now we were both miserable. Well, wherever he was, I hoped he was as miserable as I was…
___________
On Monday, I practically sprinted across the parking lot through the cold morning snow flurries and into the warm school. While the weekend weather was sunny and 60 degrees with beautiful blue skies, today, the start of the first full week of November, we woke up to snow.
November .
My day in court was close.
We finally made it.
Scratch that, I finally made it. Because Ben, who was supposed to be my partner in all of this, fucking dipped.
Ben . Ugh . My heart practically deflated as I thought of him, but I kept my pace on the way to the break room, determined to plow through this day. I could feel Coleson trailing behind me. He kept a good ten feet between us at all times, and he wordlessly chose to wait outside the break room, content to guard, but not get too involved in my day-to-day. It was probably for the best, but it just acted as a reminder of how it used to be with Ben, how we’d chat and joke together all day.
At least this would all be over on Friday, I reminded myself– so long as I survived to see Friday. I’d finally testify and I’d finally be able to move on from this nightmare of a situation.
Then again, that was probably naive of me to think… Because would I ever be able to move on from this?
This situation changed me.
The change was apparent in how I was now sipping hot chocolate instead of coffee. My screensaver was now a picture of Gigi– a dog that was mine. And as I pushed buttons on the copy machine to run off new rubrics, I could practically still feel the way Ben ran his large hands through my hair and tried to soothe the pain after the machine tried to eat me. The memory brought a sad smile to my face, which I immediately wiped off.
I blew out a sigh and rubbed a hand over my face. Yeah. This would be hard to forget. Because he was impossible to forget.
The first bell of the day hadn’t rang yet, so there were barely any kids in the halls as I walked through the school back to my classroom. I was mentally running through everything I needed to accomplish that day, when I came to a halt.
A familiar figure in a gray hoodie was dodging out of my classroom.
As soon as our eyes locked, his widened in panic, and then he tried to bolt down the hallway.
“Stop!” I rushed forward, dropping my bag in the middle of the hallway. “I just want to talk!”
He didn’t even look back, just continued rushing toward the back doors.
The fury of everything I experienced over the past couple weeks came rushing to the forefront of my mind, making me sprint faster. I was just so sick and tired of being left in the dark, and I was not about to lose this kid.
I hurled myself forward and blocked the doors right before he could leave. He took a shocked step backwards, away from me. His unruly hair peeked out from under his hood and I detected fear in his blue eyes.
“Are you…” I was completely out of breath and gasping for air. I held my chest. “Please don’t make me run more.” My leg muscles screamed at me as I forced a deep breath down my lungs. “Are you coming to class or not?”
He dropped his head and his wiry frame looked like it was about to collapse. “Ms. Quinn, I…” I could hear the heartbreak in his voice and it hurt my own heart.
I reached for his shoulder and he violently jerked back at my touch. Then regret swam in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I didn't mean to startle you,” I said, holding my hands up in innocence.
He shook his head. “Don’t apologize to me.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear. “I don’t-” his breath hitched like he was struggling for air, “I don’t deserve it.”
“Hunter.” I waited for him to look up at me.
From the dark purple smudges under his eyes, it looked like he hadn’t been sleeping, and the hollowness of his cheeks made me wonder how much he’d been eating.
“Do you need help?”
His sleeve-covered hand went to his face. His shoulders shook. And my heart sank to the floor. I wanted so badly to pull him into a hug, but I knew he wouldn’t want that. From years of teaching, I knew that if a teenage boy cried in front of you, he’d been pushed to his absolute breaking point and he just needed someone to listen.
“What’s going on Hunter?” I asked gently.
“I don’t want to do this.” The desperation in his voice shredded my heart. “You need to pretend you didn’t see me, okay? I changed my mind, I can't do it.” His voice hitched with tears.
“Do what?” I waited for him to elaborate. When he didn’t, I spoke in a firm voice. “Hunter. Do what?”
He lifted his head and his tear-filled blue eyes just about killed me. He glanced over his shoulder at Coleson.
I craned my neck to see Coleson regarding him with a stone face as he leaned against the hallway wall, holding my discarded bag. “Can we have a minute?” I called out.
Coleson looked unsure.
“Please.” I shot him my teacher-look.
He gave a resigned nod. “One minute,” he warned before stalking back to my classroom
My attention went back to the broken kid in front of me. “What do you mean, Hunter?”
His Adam's apple bobbed with a swallow. “If I d-do something,” he stuttered, “then someone’s going to get hurt. If I-I d-d-don’t do something, the person I love most in the world is going to get hurt.” His face crumpled into more tears and he quickly used his arm to wipe away his face.
Realization set in for me. I think I always knew it’d come to something like this.
“Can I help you?”
“What? N-no.” His body trembled. “I-I-I… Damnit.” He grabbed at his hair, clearly frustrated with himself. “I- I will figure something out. I-I always do. Just go.”
I wasn’t leaving him. “Why can’t I help you?”
He wiped his face again with his hoodie sleeve. “Because you’re going to get hurt.”
“Let me know if I have this right,” I said slowly. “If I get hurt, then the person you love most in the world will be okay?”
His face slightly cracked. He tugged at his hair again, then slowly nodded. When he finally looked at me again, tears were streaming down his face.
I took a deep breath and steeled my spine. “Well, I guess we have to go save little Archie then, don’t we?”
His shoulders caved in and he shook as he cried. This time I did reach to give him a hug, his body stiffened, but then I felt the tension drain from him as he accepted the comfort. I rubbed his back and his head came down to my shoulder so he could hide his face. My own eyes stung.
Because I knew what was going to happen.
I knew as soon as I left this warm school, I wouldn’t be coming back.