Camden
I’m going to kill my best friend. I’m pretty sure. I can’t believe I went to the homecoming dance tonight.
The game was fun. The dance wasn’t. I don’t do dances. And I don’t have a damn girlfriend to drag me to them, but my best friend does.
So I went. I bought the corsage and placed it on LeAnn’s wrist. She looked beautiful. There was never any doubt she would. She’s kind of quiet and tries her best to stay low-key in school. But that’s hard to do with a best friend like Kennedy Reeves.
And don’t I know it because my best friend is Kingston Wells.
The fucking loudmouth.
I still can’t believe I had to dress up and go to that damn dance. It was awkward as hell when Kennedy and Kingston encouraged us to dance—neither of us into each other. We just did our time and then hung out at one of the tables to wait for it to end.
After the dance, we all went back to Kingston’s to change out of our formal clothes—having left our overnight bags there—and then we headed out to the field where we hold most of our parties.
Oakley Easton’s parents live on forty acres, but most of it’s deserted land way back from the house and accessed by a separate gravel road.
Whether they know we’re having a party out there or not has yet to be seen, but my guess is they wouldn’t care. They’re all for their kids having a good time, be it legal or not. Is it right? Who the hell knows? And I’m not one to really care.
Now, I’m sitting on the tailgate of my truck with LeAnn as we watch Kennedy and Kingston make out by the fire, while everyone else dances and sings to one of the old country songs blaring from the radio.
“You think you should go ahead and stick your tongue down my throat now?” LeAnn asks, and I swear I nearly fall off the tailgate from shock.
“W-what?” Shit, my throat has gone totally dry. I barely croak the word out, but LeAnn tosses her head back and laughs before leaning her shoulder into mine.
“I’m kidding. They look ridiculous,” she says as she watches our best friends. I grimace, looking away, my gut sour.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
She turns to me, her expression sad. “It’s okay, you know.”
There’s that sick feeling again as I watch her with guarded caution. “What is?”
She looks away and lets out a sigh. “It’s just okay. I’m never going to tell anyone, Camden. I know you aren’t into me.” Her eyes meet mine, and my heart starts racing at her knowing gaze. “I know you aren’t into any girl.”
No.
My palms start to sweat, and my heart speeds up even more while I try my best to speak. To argue with her. To tell her she’s insane. But then again, I’m tired. For so many reasons, I’m so damn tired.
I’ve known I was gay for a long time. But I’ve also heard the ignorant bullshit spewed in every locker-room I’ve ever been in, in the halls of the school, at family gatherings, and at the tavern my mom works where we go to shoot pool sometimes.
It’s everywhere. Being called gay is an insult around here.
And I don’t dare tell the truth.
I don’t know what would happen if I did, but I can guess. And it would be bad.
“LeAnn, I . . .” Have absolutely no words. She’s not going to out me, is she? She wouldn’t do that.
Her small palm rests on my jeans-clad thigh, and her eyes reveal a kindness that almost calms my panic. “I’ll never tell anyone. Ever. I just wanted you to know you can talk to me if you want to. It has to be lonely.”
I want to trust her, but I don’t trust anyone. Not with this secret. Not one that could destroy my life when I’m so damn close to getting out.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say with a hard swallow as I look up at the full moon through the surrounding trees.
“Right.” She doesn’t sound annoyed at all. She even sounds like she’s smiling. “Hell, if you want me to, I can tell the whole school you totally rocked my world this weekend. Ruined me for all other guys.”
A laugh catches in my throat as I look back at her, and she smiles mischievously. “Uh . . . Yeah, no thanks. And who uses that expression, anyway?”
She laughs, shrugging her shoulder before bumping it into mine again. “Whatever. I’m just saying. There’s nothing wrong with it, you know?”
Dread swims in my gut because I know that. But I didn’t think anyone else living here did. And I’m not even sure how the people close to me would feel about it. My gaze unwillingly goes to Kingston, who’s come up for air long enough to drink some more, his big arm draped over Kennedy’s shoulders.
“Does he know?” LeAnn’s voice is quiet.
I shake my head slowly, uneasiness and guilt warring inside me. I hate that I haven’t told him, that I just keep pushing it away. That I just tell him I don’t have time to date, or I’ll date in college instead of the truth. I’m terrified if I tell him, he’ll be the one to push me away.
“You should tell him. He loves you.”
I shake my head again. “I can’t. I can’t lose him.”
“You really think he’s a bigot?” I turn my attention back to her, hating that deep down, I don’t know. I know his dad. I know I’ve heard words coming out of his mouth that were hateful and said like a joke.
I know how he was raised. The way we were all raised.
“I don’t know,” I say the truth that lies bitterly on my tongue.
She wraps her small arm around me and leans her head on my shoulder. “I don’t think he is, Cam. I think he has a good heart and you’re his best friend. He’ll want you to be happy.
“I don’t think I can handle the truth if it’s ugly.”
“Yeah, I get that.” She stays there with her head on my shoulder. “You wanna know a secret about me?”
My mouth turns up in a grin as I look down at her pretty face, a little afraid to know but intrigued all the same. “Sure.”
“I’m totally in love with Mr. Simms.”
“What?” I say a little too loud, and she sits up, putting a finger to her lips. “Shhh, dummy.”
“Mr. Simms? The math teacher? He’s old.”
She smacks my shoulder and scoffs. “He’s twenty-five.”
“You’re eighteen.”
She shrugs like it’s no big deal and hooks her arm through mine, laying her head back down, probably trying to get warm because it’s cold out here.
“Nothing has happened. He won’t let it, but I still want him.
It has to be a secret, me wanting him, even though nothing has happened.
I walk around the school sometimes just feeling it, the weight of that secret. ”
I see what she’s doing now. A secret for a secret. Lifting that weight a little for both of us, and I hug her body closer to mine. “You sure nothing happened?”
“Yup. I tried. And tried. He admits he wants me too, but he won’t risk his career for it.”
“That’s probably smart on his part.”
Her small shoulder shrugs again, and I feel her pain. Feel this isn’t just a stupid crush and that she really has feelings for him. How that happened, I don’t know, but they’re real. I can feel it.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too. But whatever. We’ll get through it, Camden. We’re both so damn close to getting through it.”
I nod my head, knowing exactly what she means.
We both have the same goal.
Finish high school, and then hopefully get what we truly want.