Camden
So yeah, that happened. I can’t believe I let it happen, but I can’t bring myself to regret it. It’s been a few days since we got off together in my bedroom, coming in our jeans. And yeah . . . no regrets.
Maybe I should be worried because he’s straight, and I know that. But he’s also my best friend. Him saying it was a safe space opened up something inside me I didn’t even know I had.
It made me want to take something for myself. And he’s right, I know I’m safe with him. That he would never do anything to hurt me.
But I also know it’s going to hurt when this ends. When he gets his confidence back or deems me totally experienced in all things gay and setting me on about my way while he finds another girlfriend or, God forbid, goes back to Kennedy.
Still, I can’t seem to make myself stop. I don’t want to, I realize.
This week has been busy with practice and a few odd jobs I picked up to help with the upcoming heating bills when it gets stupid cold.
Tonight is our last game, and my side is feeling a lot better. But I can still feel Kingston’s watchful eyes on me, wondering if I’m really okay.
I want to reassure him, but we’re in the locker-room, surrounded by all the other guys on the team. As much as I still hate myself for it, I’ve been cautious since the locker-room blowup the other day.
I don’t want any more attention brought to Kingston and me.
We haven’t fooled around since that night, but nothing seems off either. Everything seems totally fine and the same. He’s still the same Kingston around me, and I’ve still been mostly fixated on helping my mom and doing well in school.
And this game.
I want to win this last one. I may not be obsessed with football like the rest of the town, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to win. Maybe a small part of me will even miss it.
We all finish getting into our uniforms and listen to our coach give one last rousing speech about how much he’s enjoyed coaching us and how it’s the seniors’ last game. How he’s watched us all grow and how hungry we are for this win.
We’re all pumped up as we head out of the locker-room, Kingston shooting me a wink as he pulls his black helmet on his head. I pull mine on too, and we run outside. My chest expands with pride, watching my team flood the field and listening to the home crowd cheering for us.
Some hold signs with my jersey number, and some have the other team members’ numbers. It’s a beautiful sight of black and red in the stands with the scoreboard lit up and ready. The lights illuminate the field, and our opponents run outside, no doubt feeling the tension in the air.
It’s the last game of the season for all of us.
The last game forever for some of us.
I think about my first time on a field like this one, shaking like a leaf with all eyes on us, not knowing what the hell I was doing. Listening to my mom tell me in my head that I should just have fun but wondering if maybe my dad would be proud if I do well.
We lost. All of us ran around aimlessly. Kingston giggled and played his heart out but had a blast. His grandparents were in the stands with his parents cheering him on. My dad couldn’t be bothered to show.
He left not too long after that.
Not that a peewee football game had anything to do with it, but I don’t know. Maybe it made me push harder after that. I wanted to have fun like Kingston and the other guys, but I had something to prove too.
I needed to be the best.
And when I throw a pass deep downfield straight into Kingston’s arms right before he gets tackled oh, so close to the goal, I feel like I’m on a high, knowing we have two more plays to get ten yards. Knowing we’re going to score.
I feel like a king out here.
That’s the truth. When Oakley runs it in for a touchdown next, I cheer with the rest of the crowd and ride that high.
Our last game is almost over.
High school is almost over.
And okay, yeah, I guess out here in the cool night air, watching my breath puff from my mouth, I do feel nostalgic.
This is part of the town, part of this life I’ll miss.
Because it’s really the only time I can feel free.
That—and now, when I kiss Kingston.
It feels like flying in a way I’ve never experienced before.
And God help me, I don’t want it to end.