Camden
College is everything I’ve ever dreamed of, but it’s missing one thing. Kingston. I can’t stop thinking about his visit.
He was polite and tried to keep up the conversation with my new friends, but I could tell he was uncomfortable. And when we were alone in my dorm room that first time, and he kissed me, I let myself believe it was because he wanted me.
In that way.
The way I’ve always wanted him to want me. But then, when I asked him and he said he missed me, I knew it was just that. He only wanted to feel that connection with me and didn’t actually want to be with me. Not like that.
I should try to date. I know I probably should, but my heart is still with Kingston. I think it always will be. No one else has even come close to grabbing my attention, even though my friend Greg put it out there that he’d be up for it.
I just don’t want that. I want him.
I miss him like crazy every single day. But I love it here too.
I talked to LeAnn the other day. She’s having a great time at college. She went to an entirely different state, all the way to the West Coast. Surprising everyone because no one does that from our town.
She’s doing well, but I could hear a hint of sadness in her voice too. Yearning for someone back home is a recipe for disaster.
I’m trying to pay attention in my sociology class when my phone lights up with a message. I try to be discreet as I check it, smiling when I see it’s a picture from Kingston. Pretty rose bushes blooming in front of my mom’s house.
She tries to pay him, but he won’t let her. But she’s also trying to get the house ready to sell, because she’s moving with Lucy to Dallas in January. She was worried about uprooting Lucy, but I think she’s young enough that she’ll be fine.
My mom is totally and completely still in love with Phillip. And the feeling is mutual.
For the first time in a really long time, I feel at peace. I don’t worry about my mom and Lucy. I know they’re taken care of. The only thing I have to worry about is keeping my grades up, and that hasn’t been too difficult.
But after my classes on Friday, I drive out as far as I can from town, finding an abandoned road, just as the sun is going down. I look up, searching for the stars.
I sit on the tailgate of my truck and wonder what everyone back home is doing. What he’s doing. Mom wants me to come back for Thanksgiving break, but I don’t know about that. It’s been so freeing to be here, not having to hide who I am.
I don’t think I can force myself back into the box to return to Kensley.
But Kingston said he has to work the Friday after Thanksgiving, so he can’t make it here. And God . . . I want to see him so damn badly.
I always want to see him. Feel him. Touch him. I should have just given in and fucked him when he was here.
But that would have been selfish. He’s given me so much. He deserves to find someone—anyone other than Kennedy—to spend the rest of his life with. The nice, quiet small-town life he craves.
When it gets dark out, I look up at the sky and smile at the stars. Taking a picture, I send it to Kingston.
Kingston: Huh. Hold please.
He follows that with a very similar picture of his own dark night sky and stars sparkling in the distance.
Kingston: Holy shit. You can see the stars. Unless you’re here?
I grin at my phone.
Me: Nah. I had to drive a little, but not that far.
Kingston: Glad you can still see them.
Me: Me too.
I want to tell him how much I miss him. That I’m in love with him. That as much as I love school, I’d leave it if I could have him because he’s all I’ve ever really wanted, even though I didn’t let myself feel that.
Instead, we just chat back and forth about school and work.
About Thanksgiving. He asked if I’m coming home, and I don’t give a definitive answer.
But I think we both know I won’t. Or we both assume I won’t.
He knows how much I hated it there, but now I’m starting to think maybe it wasn’t so damn bad.
I can’t go back there.
I don’t think.
Shit. I miss him so damn much. Maybe I can.