Jameson
Ipull on my baseball pants and fasten them. I can’t believe it’s already baseball season, but I’m ready for the first game of the season. We’re getting closer to the end of the year. Graduation is looming, which means soon, it’s going to have to end with Dixon.
It just is. I can’t let my dad find out about us.
It’s not like he’s going to build us a house on his land.
He expects me to find a wife, not a husband.
And as archaic as that expectation is, it’s always been there.
Something deep-seated inside me. Something I was always told was going to happen.
I don’t think I can fight it. It’s my legacy.
I’ll be letting my entire family down if I don’t go through with it. Have sons to farm the land after I’m done and all that bullshit. My heart isn’t in it, but my head tells me it’s what I have to do.
One of the loudmouth juniors opens his mouth. “Did you guys hear about Wells and Prescott?”
This grabs my attention instantly, pulling me away from the melancholy of my destiny and apparently Garrison’s too because he asks, “What about them?”
“They’re totally fucking gay together,” the kid says, and heat races through my body, my palms sweating as my eyes lock with Dixon’s.
I can’t believe he just said that. And it was said with a wrinkling of his nose, like it’s the grossest thing he’s ever heard. It makes my stomach twist up even more.
“Shut the fuck up,” Adam says, and I swallow hard, bile rising in my throat because I feel sick. Adam glances my way quickly as if he’s checking on me.
“No, I’m serious,” the guy goes on, Sandy Sherman totally saw them making out at the gas station at Thanksgiving. And now, Kingston is moving to live with Cam.” The guy’s eyes are wide and almost comical with as much as he’s talking.
The other guys all grumble, but it feels like my head is about to explode. My ears whoosh with what I’m hearing. It could just be a rumor, but I hear the chatter in the locker room about how fucked up that is and no way it could be true. Some horrific words are being tossed out freely.
I feel like I might pass out, and when I look at Dixon, all I see is rage on his face. “Why don’t you all shut the fuck up.” I shake my head in his direction, but he doesn’t listen. “It’s none of our goddamn business what they do. If they want to be together, what the hell does it hurt any of you?”
“You sound pretty gay there, Dixon.” A sophomore teases, and everyone laughs like it’s a goddamn joke, and I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe, and it feels like I’m floating above the room, just watching this all play out.
“What if I am?” Dixon says, and everyone—I mean every damn one in the room—freezes. All eyes are on him. My entire body is stiff. My feet are planted to the ground as if my cleats are glued there.
Oakley stands up from the bench, where he was tying his shoes and shoves him, a laugh in his throat. “Shut the fuck up. You aren’t gay, you dumbass.”
Go with it, Dixon.
Please. He’s giving you an out.
“I am.” Shit.
I stand there, staring at him, my eyes wide and fear deep in my gut. Oakley grips the back of his neck with his hand. “Shut the fuck up. That’s not even funny.”
Some of the other guys agree, dismissing him, and God help me, I want them to. I want them to just chalk it up to Dixon being a loudmouth and making a joke, even though it’s not fucking funny. Being gay isn’t a joke, but in this town, it is.
“I’m not being funny.” Dixon sounds as serious as I’ve ever heard him. “I’m gay,” he says firmly. “And if they are too, it’s none of your business. None. You all need to shut the fuck up and realize that the real world is bigger than Kensley.”
Oakley looks fucking hurt. Angry. No. Not even angry. Fucking furious as he removes his hand from Dixon’s neck and steps back. I wince because that’s his best friend in the world, and he’s clearly abandoning him.
I catch Travis’s eyes, and he looks so fucking scared right now, like Dixon will out him. But I know he won’t. He’s not dumb. He’s not selfish or clueless. He isn’t going to out anyone but himself. He isn’t going to say anything except that he’s gay.
And he stands there in the locker room, around all our teammates, who look stunned, and I don’t move to stand beside him.
My hands lock into fists at my side. I’m so damn mad at him, I can barely see straight. I can’t believe he just did that. Brave or not, this is going to have so many consequences.
And he just does that. That’s so fucking him. Even coming out, he doesn’t even think about it. He just leaps.
And it terrifies me.
I’m a coward, standing along with the other guys with him in the middle. I don’t say a word.
He moves back to get dressed, and everyone else does the same, no one saying anything. I want to comfort him, to tell him how brave he is and how amazing what he just did was. But I’m paralyzed by fear.
If they know he’s gay, and with how much time we spend together, will they put it all together?
Did he just unintentionally out me too?
Goddammit. As mad at him as I am, I’m even angrier at myself.
Because I should have had his back, and I didn’t.