Zach
Ineed to get it together. I feel way too close to totally losing it. But I don’t understand how Adam can be so damn calm around ignorance. No—not ignorant—just plain stupidity.
They were talking shit about his brother and….
No.
I need to shake this off and not think too hard about why I got so pissed off this morning. I also need to smooth things over with my best friend before he tries to make me talk more about it.
I don’t want to talk about it.
I don’t want to think about it.
I want to ignore.
I’ve done okay with that plan so far. Well. Sort of. Not really.
But I can’t do this. It’s senior year. I’m almost out of high school and even though I don’t plan to leave Kensley, I do plan to follow my dad’s footsteps and go straight into the oilfield after graduation. And no one will be paying close attention to me then.
I’ll be able to breathe without someone having something to say about it. Without walking down the halls of the high school and hearing whispers knowing they’re talking about me and Chloe.
Chloe.
I try to push all memories of her away. You’d think they would have more to talk about than us. But Chloe seems hellbent on keeping the gossip fires burning and I still can’t bring myself to blame her.
I fucked up.
Big time. I know that.
I hurt her and I have to live with that every day of my life. She won’t let me talk to her. I want to apologize, but also at the same time I don’t because I know an actual apology will have to include an explanation and I won’t let myself go there to do that.
So I’m just in this limbo-ish hell.
But I can’t risk losing Adam. I won’t. I just need to get my shit together and stop freaking out.
I want to go over to his place after school, maybe help him out with chores, but my mom’s at work and Elliot is home so I need to be there with my sisters. I drive them both home after school and when we walk inside the shithead is just sitting on the couch with a beer in hand watching television.
He doesn’t seem concerned with our presence so I quickly make a snack for Mary and set her up in her room while Anna joins her, avoiding Elliot completely. When they’re settled I head into my bedroom, but I leave the door open so I can hear if they need me.
I stay there until it’s time to make dinner—just simple spaghetti because that’s pretty much all I know how to make—but the girls don’t complain. Elliot of course does. Grumbling the entire time he piles food onto his plate and then takes it into the living room.
Plopping down in front of the television to eat, I breathe a sigh of relief as the girls and I sit at the table.
I hate this.
I remember dinners with my family when my dad was still alive. He wasn’t a talker, not really. But his presence was a happy one. He was content to just sit at the table with us and listen to our stories. Listen to my mother as she told him about her day.
I hate that Anna and Mary won’t have memories like that.
None at all.
This is what they will remember. Tiptoeing around their own home to try to avoid their asshole stepfather. Trying not to set him off so we don’t have to listen to him rage for the next hour or so as we lock ourselves in our rooms.
I try not to think about it as I shovel food into my mouth and then my mind wanders to Adam’s face this morning. How he pled with me to tell him what’s going on with me. As if I could actually speak the words out loud.
As if he doesn’t know how shitty my life is. Even without knowing my biggest secret. I’m tired. So damn tired and I’m only eighteen.
I can’t take the ignorance of the town. The gossip. Shitty father figures and dead dads. Zombie like mothers. I’m over it all. I’m happy for Zach’s brother—that he got out and he’s truly happy.
And yes, I know that actually hitting the stupid motherfuckers today wouldn’t have done any good and we would have just gotten into trouble, but every part of me wanted to take out my frustrations on them.
I wanted them to feel even an ounce of pain that their stupid ass words inflict on people whether they know it or not. Whether they even mean to or not.
At least it would have been doing something. Something to let people know this shit doesn’t fly. That it’s not funny nor is it okay to say things like that. But no. We had to stay silent. Adam had to be the good one. The bigger man.
I’m really tired of being the bigger person. Of keeping my mouth shut and just barely existing.
I can’t take the fact that I’m stuck here. And the fact that Adam knowing every bit of it, if I unleashed the hell inside of me and just spewed every single dark truth that’s bugging me, I know he would want to fix it.
He would want to protect me. It’s just who he is. Even if he didn’t understand what I told him. Even if he secretly didn’t like it. He would still want to protect me. I can feel it deep in my bones.
But he can’t.
Not from this.
Not really from anything.
My reality isn’t something that can be fixed.
I just need to hold on for a little longer and keep it together. Put on a brave face for a little longer and push everything down.
I can do this. I have to do this.
I just hope Adam won’t be too damn stubborn about it and will let me.