Chapter Adam
Adam
Ishould probably feel weird about talking to my best friend about my dick and well… his, but I don’t. It actually feels a little freeing. I’ve felt like this for so damn long, that admitting to him that I think I’m broken has been liberating.
I mean, I still don’t understand what the hell is wrong with me and why I don’t want to fuck everything that moves, but Zach doesn’t seem that worried about it. He’s been more like himself lately than he has in a long damn time.
We joke and laugh at school, pretty much keeping to ourselves, but hanging out with the crowd too. We haven’t had any run ins with Chloe since she was suspended for three days after that shit she pulled at the pep rally.
Things just seem to be better in a way I can’t really describe.
After practice, I need to head home for chores, but Zach asked if he could bring his sisters over and help out. There was no way I was going to say no to that. Not only does my mom love having the girls over, my dad loves having the extra help.
We grab the girls from the after school program they go to and head to my place. His sisters riding with Zach and following out to my families farm. We both showered after practice so once the girls are settled with mom inside, we head out to the barn.
There’s always a lot that needs done around here, but we start with shoveling fresh hay into the stalls. It’s getting colder at night now. Zach is quiet at first as we work, but then he suddenly blurts out, “I did some research.” And I stall in my movement and look over at him.
His cheeks flush and god damn it, he’s cute.
Cute?
Huh. That’s a weird thought. But how else can I describe him with his hair all tousled on his head, but matted down with sweat at the same time. His cheeks a blazing red and his eyes all wide.
It’s cute and I’m sticking to it.
“Research?” I ask.
He nods and then walks closer to me, keeping his voice low. “Like on the internet. Don’t worry, I just used my phone and I don’t think my search history will like go on the bill or anything. If it does, I’ll tell them…”
He’s stuttering like he does when he’s nervous and I place a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t think your search history goes on your phone bill either, but it’s okay. What did you find?”
I hate that he’s so nervous about what he searches for, but in this town with his parents, unfortunately I get it. “Well okay… so….”
See? Cute.
“Zach.” I say, trying to ground him. “Tell me.”
His wide eyes meet mine, “Okay so maybe you’re asexual.”
“Asexual?” I ask, playing with the word on my tongue. “Like not interested in sex at all.”
He nods, “I think? But like there’s a scale. You can not like sex like at all. Or a little bit. Or only sex by yourself.” He points at me, his words starting to run together a little bit with nerves.
That kind of sounds like me. But I don’t know. “A scale?”
He bobs his head, “Yeah. There’s even like a gay scale. Like how gay you are.”
“What?”
His eyes widen again, “I mean. That mine not be the right way to say it. I mean… this Kinsey Scale, it rates how close you are to being heterosexual and homosexual. The way I figure it, I’m almost all the way if not totally homosexual.
But you….” he raises his hand, “Uh well…. I don’t know.
Maybe it doesn’t apply to you at all if you’re not sexual.
” His shoulder slump. “Shit. I thought I had it figured out.”
Damn, there he goes looking really damn adorable.
I’ve noticed that more and more lately. I wouldn’t say it’s a sexual thing.
My dick isn’t hard. But I notice myself watching him a lot.
And he makes me feel kind of warm and fluttery sometimes.
Like right now when he’s doing his best not to put his foot in his mouth and can’t seem to help it.
“You did this research for me?”
His eyes are locked on mine and his lips part slightly when he uses his pink tongue to trace them nervously.
And huh. I find myself watching the movement closely.
“Well, I just don’t want you to think you’re broken.
Like I think mine was more clear cut even if I fought it.
I knew that guys were making my dick hard and no matter how much I fooled around with Chloe, it wasn’t. ”
He looks ashamed again and I don’t like that but before I can comfort him he’s speaking again, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
“Anyway, I found this too. Hold on.” He’s searching for something and then must find it because his eyes light up, “There’s um…demisexual.”
“What’s that?” I’ve never heard that term before.
“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which an individual does not experience primary sexual attraction.” He reads from his phone, I’m assuming Google.
“A demisexual personal can only experience secondary attraction—the type of attraction that occurs after the development of an emotional bond.” He looks at me, “Um… there’s more but it kind of makes my head hurt. ”
I chuckle at that, but I think that over. “So the person needs a strong bond before they’re interested in sex?”
“Yeah.” His head bobs excitedly again, “So maybe you have to be in love first. Or maybe you are asexual. Or graysexual. Or so many things. There are so many ways to identify, Adam. So many more than we’ve ever been taught.”
He looks excited and bright at the moment, his smile wide. I like this side of him. I like it a lot.
“My point is….” He must realize he was getting a little loud with his excitement because he moves closer to me and lowers his voice, “You’re not broken.
Not at all. There are a lot of people out there just like that.
The world has tried to make it seem like we’re the freaks, but we aren’t.
Not even close. I mean…” He’s rambling again and I like it.
“If you are demi and you do need that strong connection to have sex isn’t that what we should all be striving for anyway? I don’t know know, but I think so.”
I smile because I can’t help it. “Thank you for doing that research for me. Maybe that’s what I am.”
“Maybe.” He says, his eyes lighting up. “But no matter what, just like I’m Zach, you’re Adam. And there’s nothing wrong with you.”
I grin at that, feeling that warm and fuzzy feeling. “So there’s hope for me yet?” I ask playfully.
He sighs softly and then moves to take a seat on the nearby hay bale. “Yup. So for now we’re just two guys stuck having sex with only our hands for god knows how long.”
For some reason that makes me frown. “You know there are gay people around here. Plenty of guys into other guys. Just look at my brother.” Ick. I don’t like saying that and it’s not just because I don’t want to think about my brother’s sex life.
He just shrugs his shoulders at that though. “It doesn’t matter if there are or aren’t. I can’t go near them.”
“Why?” I hate how hopeless he sounds.
His eyes meet mine, “You know why. It’s one thing you knowing, but no one else in town can. It can’t get back to Elliot.”
I want to say so many things, but I know at the end of the day he’s right. Elliot is a homophobic asshole. He’d make Zach’s life even more hellish if he knew. “You’re almost out of that house.”
He laughs, but it’s sad. “My sisters aren’t. I can’t get kicked out or banned from there. I’m already getting hives thinking about the day Elliot tells me to get out. That I’m eighteen and can’t stay there anymore.”
I want that for him, but I also know that the girls will be in danger. So I don’t. “We’ll figure it out, Zach.” I try to reassure him even though we’ve been saying that for a long time.
His grandma is great for overnights, but she can’t take them on full time. Her health isn’t steady enough and neither is her energy. “Yeah.” He says sadly, but I know he doesn’t believe it. “Only ten more years in the closet.” He says so damn sadly, my heart cracks open.
That’s not fair.
I may not exactly like thinking about Zach hooking up with some guy—or anyone at all—but it’s not fair that he has to wait for ten years because of his stupid, asshole of a stepfather. And his useless damn mother.
And this fucking narrowminded town.
Damn it. I need to find a way to fix this for him.