18. Lira
18
LIRA
I sat against the wall in the corner of the bathroom under two lamps that created the brightest area around me. There was nothing I wanted more than a bath to wash off the dirt, blood, and grime from the games, but I couldn’t bring myself to undress and climb in.
What if Eldrin came again?
After the gauntlet, guards had taken me to a regular cell that smelled like feces with the green-haired woman who’d tried to kill me. If I’d thought she hated me before, it was nothing compared to now. She blamed me for her harming Lorne.
I suspected the only reason she hadn’t attacked me was due to Finola and Torcall standing outside the cell, but that hadn’t stopped her from promising to unleash all sorts of hell during the next part of the gauntlet.
Then Finnian had come for me. Instead of his usual easy grin and flirty demeanor, he’d stood cold and rigid and demanded he be allowed to take me someplace for his own form of torture .
The guards hadn’t given him a hard time, and as soon as we’d turned a corner, Finnian’s easygoing demeanor had slid back into place. He’d brought me to Tavish’s room to bathe and eat.
All the chaos weighed on me: I’d killed a man, many people had died because I’d tried to escape, and there was the savageness of the Unseelie. Hysteria choked me, and every hair on my body stood upright, ready for yet another attack.
I might have had an easier time remaining with the green-haired girl, who I’d learned was named Rona. I deserved to be threatened and punished. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw blood spilling from the man I’d killed.
Now, in this bathroom, I swore something brushed my skin as if Eldrin were here to stab me again. I hadn’t been this frightened ever … not even when Tavish’s eyes had haunted me in my nightmares. I’d surmised that the fear I’d felt hadn’t come from Tavish but from the future that awaited me.
This hell.
A sob escaped, and I covered my mouth to hide the sound from Finnian. I didn’t want anyone to find me like this, but when my hand stuck to my mouth from the drying blood, another whimper escaped. The taste of black licorice landed on my tongue.
The door opened, and I gagged, realizing what tasted that way—Unseelie blood.
“Lira.” Tavish’s voice broke as he hurried into the bathroom. He glanced at the full steaming tub, then at me, dressed in the bloody clothes from the gauntlet and pressed against the wall like a child. “What’s wrong?”
I half laughed, and half choked, especially hearing my actual name roll off his tongue. “Is that a serious question?” I hated that seeing him lifted a weight off me. Some part of me believed that he would do anything to keep me safe, which made me want to stomp and scream. He’d been very clear since the beginning that he planned to kill me. What sort of person was I to develop this false sense of security around him? I’d never considered myself stupid, but now I was questioning everything.
He flinched. “If I’d known—”
Anger warmed my blood, and I welcomed it. I needed something to fight off the cold that had sunk into my bones, especially since I couldn’t get myself into the tub. “What? You would’ve killed me immediately instead of allowing your minions the chance to do it?”
“Blighted abyss!” He clenched his hands. “Do you not realize everything I’ve jeopardized by bringing you to Ardanos?”
I stood, allowing my anger to flow through me without regard. If I was going to die, I’d go out with dignity. “ I didn’t come here, remember? You kidnapped me, so don’t you dare try to turn this around like I’m inconveniencing you . You’ve taken everything from me. My family, my future, and eventually my life.” I needed to push him to kill me now. Not that I wanted to give up my future, but something inside me was changing. I didn’t understand how I knew, but I’d felt a spark when I’d touched Lorne—something foreign and strong. Something I didn’t understand had shifted within me. So I wanted to die as me before I became something the Unseelie made me.
“And I regret that I did it.” He ran his hands through his hair, messing it up and making it fall into his stormy gray eyes.
My breath caught. I hadn’t expected him to ever say anything like that, but his expression had twisted into one of such conflict that my lungs struggled to work.
I remembered something my mom had said more times than I could remember. “Regrets won’t make a difference. Only the decisions we act upon reveal the truth of a person’s character.”
“That sounds like a Seelie saying.” He grimaced. “Always so pompous and righteous, especially when they feel they have the wind beneath their wings.”
Here, it came back to the crux of our issue—Seelie versus Unseelie. So much anger and hate drove him, and the worst part was that I understood that and even felt sympathy toward him. Losing his parents so young had molded him into something I suspected he had never meant to become, and anger and fear ruled his decisions and emotions.
My anger vanished, and I leaned against the wall so I didn’t topple over. “Why come in here just to argue?” Tears burned my eyes. I needed him to leave me alone.
His wings folded behind him, and he hung his head. “My intention was to check on you. I heard you were upset, so I feared something was wrong. I … I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
I hated how my chest warmed at his concern. “I’m …” I tried to say fine , but my mouth wouldn’t allow me to form the word. Tears welled in my eyes, clouding my vision.
“Lira—” he said softly, again using my actual name. “Why aren’t you in the tub? It will make you feel better.”
I hated how it sounded better than any folk song I’d ever heard and how he knew that water calmed me. “Please, don’t be nice to me.” I already struggled to remember not to feel anything nice toward him, but his unguardedness risked shattering everything. “I need you to be mean and distant.”
He nibbled on his bottom lip. “I’ve been struggling with remaining that way toward you, and there’s no blasted way I could be that way toward you now. Why aren’t you bathing? You need to get the dirt and blood off so you can eat and get some rest. The next trial isn’t long from now.”
The image of the man I’d killed flashed in my head as if he lay right in front of me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, trying not to fall apart again.
Hands touched my face. My eyes popped open and connected with his. The buzz immediately started on my skin, and some of the horrors retreated. No matter what my mind screamed, I felt safe with him. I couldn’t get myself to move away from him.
“Who did this to you, sprite?” he asked in a low rumble. His eyes focused on my chest where Eldrin had cut me not too long ago, and he winced like it pained him.
Even though my shirt hid the cut, a chill of warning shot through me as if he could see my scar. I swallowed, knowing that if I didn’t force my lips closed, I could tell him what happened. But I couldn’t take that risk. Eldrin had threatened to hurt my family if Tavish ever learned what happened.
“Your silence is louder than any words,” he gritted out. “Were you in the tub when it happened?” He glanced over his shoulder as if the person responsible would materialize.
I had to say something. It was as if he could read me. Silence hadn’t been the right answer. With words, I could at least deflect. He seemed to like to argue. “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already determined my fate.”
“Sprite, there are only a handful of people it can be if you were in here.” His nostrils flared. “My wings are bound if it’s one person in particular, but nonetheless, I still need to know.”
“Why?” The question left my lips before I could stop it. With it already dangling, there was no point in not continuing. “It shouldn’t matter to you.”
“You’re right, it shouldn’t.” He pressed his lips to my forehead and whispered, “But someone dared to hurt you. For the sake of my kingdom, I cannot show you any favor, yet something in me still responds to your scent and your voice. It reminds me of a future I used to envision. One long dead.”
Butterflies fluttered in my stomach more intensely than ever before, and I desperately wanted to tell him who’d hurt me, though I didn’t understand why. “I need you to promise me that you won’t say or do anything to him because he’s threatened my family. I don’t care what happens here, but I need them to stay safe, and I don’t want to cause more problems between you and your people.” This was foolish, but this way, I could have some control over my life before it ended.
“I can’t make that promise,” he rasped, tilting my head up so our gazes remained locked.
“Then I won’t tell you.” I refused to give in. He had so much control over me, and I couldn’t hand my family’s safety over to him without his promise.
His jaw clenched as he examined my face. Then, his expression slipped into a mask of indifference. “Fine. I promise if that’s what is required for you to confide in me.”
“You promise? You won’t act differently toward him?” With my understanding that a fae couldn’t lie, I had to be precise with my words to bind him to our agreement.
“Yes, I promise. I won’t change how I react to him or treat him differently while I count the days until I can provide justice for what he’s done.” He exhaled. “If it’s who I suspect, I need to know.” His irises darkened, reminding me of the night sky. Before I could say a word, he asked, “Was it Eldrin?” He flinched, prepared to hear the answer.
My stomach dropped. I hadn’t expected him to suspect his own family. I opened my mouth to say no, forgetting it wouldn’t work. He seemed to be bracing for betrayal, and I didn’t want to do that to him. But then I couldn’t make a sound, no matter how hard I tried, so I only had one choice, to tell him the truth. I nodded. “He hid in the shadows, and I didn’t see him until he attacked me.” My voice broke.
His chest heaved and his nostrils flared. He released me, stepping back as his face turned faintly purple. Then he pulled his hair at the roots like he was crazed. “He had to try to test me once again, and I can’t do a blasted thing about it.”
Heart hammering, I regretted telling him. The turmoil on his face had me wanting to close the distance between us, but the blood crusted all over me kept me in place. “Forget I said anything.”
“I can’t.” Tavish’s wings expanded behind him, their size massive and commanding. “The wildling doesn’t deserve his affinity to darkness. He’s not worthy of that power, not after what he’s done to us.” Darkness ebbed around his body, blending pieces of him into the surroundings. “But my hands are tied.”
“What do you mean?” Despite not being around Eldrin and Tavish together often, even I could tell that Eldrin disagreed with most of Tavish’s decisions. He scowled or frowned, and I couldn’t remember him once ever offering praise.
He looked at me. “He saved my life, and I owe him.” His head and wings hung like the weight of the world was bearing on him. “I owe him, and he reminds me of that often. If I didn’t, he’d already be dead. Now he’s taking advantage of the situation … and my wings are clipped.”
I stared at Tavish. Was he regretting the way he’d treated me? I wanted to ask him more but now wasn’t the time. I was barely hanging on to my sanity.
“What can I do to give you a piece of your safety back?” Tavish placed a hand on his chest and leaned toward me. “Other than ensure you’re never left alone like that again? Someone I trust will always be on the other side of the door when you bathe so you can call for assistance if you don’t feel safe.”
I blinked, unsure how to respond. Maybe I’d be safe here, yet I’d soon be heading into the second part of the gauntlet. I suspected I wouldn’t make it out alive, though I had no intention of not fighting. “Nightbane.”
“Nightbane?” He froze and raised his brows. “The cù-sìth?”
“He’s tried to protect me several times, and I don’t want another person in here while I bathe.” Not only did I trust Nightbane, but I feared what trouble he might be in for protecting me.
“I’ll make it happen.” He headed out into the bedroom, and I heard the bedchamber door open. Tavish growled, “Bring Nightbane to me. I heard what happened earlier and need him brought here.”
“Yes, Your Highness,” Finola replied, and the door shut again.
With Tavish nearby and knowing that Nightbane was on his way, my entire body felt lighter. My pulse leveled out when Tavish carried in a dark-gray gown. He placed the dress in the closet, allowing it to hang down. “It appears you forgot something in the room where Finnian remained,” he said tersely.
I mashed my lips, trying not to smile. I had no doubt he was thinking about when he’d walked in on Finnian attempting to help me get dressed when the skirt got stuck to me. “I was going to ask Finnian to hand it to me. I didn’t want to touch it.” I raised my hands, emphasizing the blood on them.
“You could wash them off.” He leaned back and scowled.
Point taken. “True, but between Eldrin and today’s events, my mind was elsewhere.”
I hurried to the sink and turned on the water then scrubbed my hands. I’d rather not bathe in blood-soaked water.
I looked in the mirror, taking in my blonde hair, which seemed brighter and fuller despite not getting any sunlight. My emerald eyes seemed brighter too, and my complexion had turned a shade darker … or was the dirt on my face providing that illusion? I’d go with that, especially with the honey-toned blood that had dried on my face.
Another reminder to them that I was Seelie and proof I couldn’t claim to be human. Not anymore.
Someone knocked on the door before it opened. A familiar snarl sounded as Nightbane entered the room.
“He’s here, Your Highness,” Finola called out. “And angrier than usual.”
“Don’t worry,” Tavish answered. “I’ll handle him from here.”
The door shut, and Nightbane sniffed. Before I realized what was happening, the enormous animal came rushing into the bathroom. His glowing lime eyes faded to a normal color as he ran to me .
I smiled and bent down, petting the animal. A warm zing shot from inside me, through my hand, and into Nightbane.
“I’ll be right out here,” Tavish said, and he shut the bathroom door behind himself.
After scratching Nightbane’s ears, I stood and removed my clothing. As soon as I peeled the layers from my body, I eagerly stepped into the water, ready to wash off the day.
And if I spent part of the bath wondering about a certain aggravating fae king who became more contradictory and ornery the more time I spent here, well, that was my secret to keep.
I spun the sling then jerked my wrist forward. The ice spike swirled around and hit my attacker in the neck. Blood squirted, and his eyes widened as he reached up to stop the bleeding.
“Lira,” a way-too-soothing voice called from far away.
I needed to save the guy I hadn’t meant to kill. The ice spike was supposed to hit lower, in a spot that wouldn’t kill him, just harm him. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do, but this time, I couldn’t allow him to die.
“Wake up,” the same voice said, and I recognized who it belonged to.
Tavish.
Why was he interrupting me when I was trying to save one of his people? I pushed away and said, “I’m sorry. Let me help you. I didn’t mean to.”
The ground shook as if to keep me away, so I pressed harder. I just needed to close the distance between us to reach him, but every time I moved a step, the man I needed to save moved farther away.
A deep growl caught my attention, followed by a weight being flung off me. My eyes popped open, and I yelled, “Stop!”