19. Lira
19
LIRA
I blinked, but each time my eyes opened, the scene remained unchanged.
Nightbane had lunged over me and pinned Tavish down beside me on the bed. The wolf snarled, drool dripping from his teeth and his mouth wide, aiming for Tavish’s neck.
I’d normally fear for Tavish’s life, but his jaw was clenched from anger, not fear.
“Get off me,” he gritted, something dark brewing in his eyes, turning them onyx. “Or you will regret attacking me.”
I remembered how Nightbane had cowered in fear when Tavish had punished him for protecting me during my feeble-ass escape attempt. I couldn’t let either of them get hurt, and if I didn’t intervene, one of them definitely would, and I feared it would be Nightbane.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I said, attempting to sound soothing. I sat up and petted the back of Nightbane’s head. Tavish must have been trying to wake me from my hellish nightmare. “He wasn’t hurting me. I had a bad dream, and he was helping me. ”
Nightbane stopped snarling, but he continued to stare Tavish down, his eyes glowing with clear mistrust.
I turned over, scooting my knees underneath me so I could lean more on the animal. His fruity smell comforted something deep within me. “I’m okay. I promise.”
Turning his sizable head toward me, Nightbane scanned me for signs of injury. He huffed and moved off Tavish then sat right next to me.
I scratched behind his ear as Tavish opened his mouth and closed it, speechless.
That was a first. He should be silent like this way more often.
Between Tavish looking like a fish out of water and Nightbane’s comforting presence, some of the horrors that had been plaguing me slowly faded away.
“What’s going on between the two of you?” Tavish clicked his tongue. “He doesn’t like being touched. The relationship between you doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe if you didn’t scare him, he wouldn’t be that way with you.” I cuddled into Nightbane’s side, his body like a heater, warming me more than the blankets.
Tavish huffed, but instead of continuing the conversation, he touched my arm and asked gently, “Were you having a nightmare?”
His tenderness caught me off guard. These small moments when he showed me kindness didn’t usually last long. After my bath, he’d sat at the table with me as I ate and then created the pile of pillows between us, offering me his bed again. Even though we hadn’t talked much, I could feel the way he watched me, and it felt different … more vulnerable, like now.
Even if I wanted to lie … I couldn’t. “No. It wasn’t a nightmare.” A sob got stuck in the back of my throat, making me sound like I was gagging.
Lovely . That was worse than crying.
Nightbane narrowed his eyes at Tavish.
“If that beast doesn’t learn respect again soon, I’ll be forced to teach him again.” Tavish frowned back at the cù-sìth.
I buried my side in Nightbane, the animal relaxing at my proximity.
“If you tried for respect, that might work better.” That was the one thing I didn’t understand about him. Why did he want to rule by fear?
“What do you mean?” His brows pulled together. “I demand respect all the time. The best way to ensure people don’t act out is by having severe and absolute consequences.”
“Like giving an animal nightmares or worse?” I already knew the answer, but I wanted to lead him down a path, so he realized it himself.
“Of course.” He nodded curtly.
I rolled my eyes and patted Nightbane’s head before settling back on my pillow. “That’s ruling by fear. Your people don’t respect you. They just don’t want you to kill them.”
He shrugged. “Either way, they obey and listen. I don’t care how or why.”
“But you’d have more loyalty from them if you tried to understand them and helped to find actual solutions that prevent the need to constantly scare and control them.”
He scoffed and leaned back. “I’m trying to find a solution to our problem, but the current answer has backfired. That particular solution is lying next to me in bed, making me reconsider everything. ”
The corners of my mouth tipped upward, and I tried to hide my smirk as I settled into the pillow, getting comfortable, though I was wide awake. I didn’t want to close my eyes and risk reliving the death and destruction from the gauntlet all over again. Whatever relationship was developing between Tavish and me was comforting, and at least I didn’t have to fear him killing me anymore. After today, there was no doubt that everyone would team up against me in the second gauntlet. They hadn’t been worried about me before, but by killing one of their own, I’d moved myself up on their priority list. “Don’t worry. I suspect others will handle your problem in the next game.” I tried to sound light, but my voice came out raspy. I didn’t want to die, but there wasn’t any way to escape either.
“That’s not funny, Lira.” His features turned stony, back to the man I was most familiar with. “Finnian is coming to train with you tomorrow. That’s one reason you need to get more rest. You need to get more comfortable wielding weapons.”
I swallowed. I did need more training, there was no doubt, but going back to sleep was the more imminent problem. The memory of the man’s death was still so fresh that if I closed my eyes for a moment too long, the image reappeared. I stared up at the glass ceiling. The darkness was pulled back more than ever, and I could actually see twinkling dots of pink and purple that reminded me of stars and the moon shining high. It might have been peaceful if I could have found calm within me.
“Is the next game troubling you?” he asked, and his hand brushed against mine, my skin buzzing from the touch.
Some of my tension ebbed, but not the horror of what I’d done. “I wish that were the problem.” The future might hover over me like a threat, but the past was anchoring me down, and I felt like I was drowning. Then, the next words tumbled out before I could take them back. “I killed a man tonight. How can someone get over that?”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Not only had Tavish killed probably tens, if not hundreds of people, but he’d killed multiple people just because I was here. Though I didn’t relish it, I also didn’t carry guilt; I didn’t want to be here. Tavish had forced me to come, and I hadn’t done anything to deserve their violence against me.
He turned toward me, propping his head up on his arm so I could only see half his face over the pile of pillows. “Blighted abyss,” he groaned, removing his hand from mine and tossing the pillows beside him so that nothing remained between us.
My eyes burned, but I giggled at the ridiculousness of the situation.
He inhaled, and his irises lightened, causing my heart to pound in my chest.
“Are you okay?” The intensity with which he stared at me made my voice barely a whisper.
“I forgot what that sounded like.” He reached over and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. “As a young boy, I always loved the sound of your laughter.”
Loved .
The word had my chest expanding, which was absurd. It wasn’t as if he’d proclaimed his love for me … just my laugh. Still, my face warmed. “Uh … then—” I cut myself off before I finished the word. Never thank or apologize to a fae .
He dropped his hand between us. If I moved my arm just an inch, we’d be touching again.
“The first kill is always the worst.” Darkness edged around him as if to hide part of himself from me. “But you need to realize he was going to kill you . This isn’t Earth, sprite. In this realm, it’s kill or be killed. There’s no in-between. You protected yourself so you could live another day. And I need you to do it again, even after the gauntlet … even if it’s me .”
The air buzzed between us, and understanding weighed heavily on me. He hadn’t just given me permission—he’d encouraged me to fight him if he attempted to take my life. “Are you—”
“Stop.” He shook his head sternly. “Don’t ask questions. I said what I meant, and I need you to remember that. Finnian is the second-best swordsman among all the Unseelie, beyond me … even better than Finola and Torcall. If you stop fighting the training and open yourself up, your memories may come back, along with your magic.”
I nodded as Nightbane settled at my feet. The bottoms of my feet pressed into his side, and his body warmed them until I realized they’d actually been cold. Huh, maybe I was getting used to the cold temperatures around here. “I’m not sure how regaining my memories will help in battle, but I wouldn’t be opposed to having my magic and wings.”
“You are the Seelie princess.” Instead of bitterness, a faint smile tugged at his mouth, making him appear more like a breathtaking man instead of a godlike statue. “You were trained to fight, including with slings, swords, and daggers, by the best in your lands, beginning at the tender age of five. That’s when you were able to access your magic and fly.”
That had to be why I felt comfortable using the sling. He was right; maybe I was overthinking everything and holding myself back. “Still, that means I’ll be expected to kill more people, and I’m not sure I can. They have people who love them. ”
“You want to believe there is good in these people, but there isn’t,” he said, and his fingertips touched my arm.
That was the second time he’d touched me, not including the way he’d tucked my hair behind my ear, which created two gigantic problems. I enjoyed each brush more than the last, and I didn’t want him to stop. I was setting myself up for heartbreak and ruin, but I couldn’t find it in myself enough to care. Who knew how many more stolen moments like this we’d share?
“Every single prisoner, aside from you, has either blatantly disobeyed me or tried to rise up against me. They are traitors who don’t worry about harming innocents or finding the best way to get our people back to our rightful lands.” He interlaced our fingers. “Sprite, these aren’t just people who insulted me. They wanted to kill for nothing more than their own personal gain and cared nothing about the repercussions for our people. The people in all of Ardanos—not just Cuil Dorcha—are ruthless and won’t think twice about stabbing you in the back. We’re immortal, sprite. We don’t value life the same as humans do.”
I froze, and my jaw dropped. “Immortal?” That couldn’t be possible. How could we all live forever? “How?” Could that be why my supposed Seelie parents had been okay with me growing up on Earth? But they’d still missed part of my childhood.
“Our magic keeps us young and healthy. The only time we face death is at the hands of someone else and the occasional strange accident.” He yawned and lay back on his pillow. “We can talk more tomorrow. Tonight, we need rest.”
A lump formed in my throat. Sleep was the last thing I wanted. Even though I believed him, I still struggled with what I’d done. I’d seen the way the man had fought me and the desire to kill me in his eyes. Tavish was right, but I didn’t want to become hardened and cold.
“Look, I’ll make sure I keep the nightmares away.” He winked. “I have an affinity for that. I can sleep and watch your dreams. If I notice anything that might deter your sleep, I can redirect your thoughts for you.”
“What do you mean? Isn’t your magic nightmares?” I still remembered his eyes from my dreams on Earth, always watching and waiting, so much hatred shining through, but the man before me wasn’t the same one who’d haunted me.
“Nightmare illusions come most naturally to me, but I can also deflect the fearsome thoughts,” he reassured and squeezed my hand comfortingly. “I just don’t do that very often, but I would have to access your mind. Are you okay with that?”
The thought both thrilled and petrified me, but I trusted him … no matter how foolish that made me. A good night’s rest would help me to survive. And it wasn’t like he hadn’t accessed my thoughts almost nightly for the past twelve years. “Okay.”
His shoulders relaxed as if he hadn’t expected that answer. “I’ll make sure nothing but good images remain.”
I expected him to release my hand, but he didn’t. Instead, we turned to face one another as Nightbane gently snored down below. With my hand in his, I quickly drifted off to sleep, feeling safer than I ever had before.
The next day flew by with Finnian training me as promised. I tried not to overthink, hoping like hell that my magic, wings, and memories would return to me. But no matter what I did or tried, Finnian kicked my ass .
We trained hard all day, and when Tavish returned to his bedroom, Finnian left, and we spent the night together, similar to the last. We were still holding hands in the morning, and I foolishly lay awake, watching him sleep. His face was relaxed, and stubble coated his chin. He didn’t look like a man burdened with ruling or wondering who might screw him over next. He looked like he could very well be happy.
Someone knocked urgently on the door, and Tavish’s eyes flew open. Luckily, his attention shot directly to the door, so he didn’t catch me watching him sleep.
“Yes?” he shouted groggily, then cleared his throat.
“The prisoners are being called to prepare for the next game,” Torcall answered from the other side of the door. “The people are being alerted that the games will begin this morning before they start their duties.”
My lungs stopped working. I’d expected to start in the evening again. “What? Why?”
“To catch the competitors off guard.” His jaw clenched as he flung off the covers and climbed out of the bed. “I’ll find you something to wear quickly—I need to be with Eldrin when the people arrive. I’ll go see what else we have of Moth—”
“No.” I followed his lead, standing. “I don’t want to wear something of your mother’s. I want the same clothes as the other prisoners.”
He spun around and tilted his head. “Their clothing is worn and doesn’t offer protection. You should at least wear leather to protect you and keep you warm.”
That was part of the problem. They saw the Seelie princess wearing their former Unseelie queen’s clothes. “Please. Just trust me. Besides, it’ll help me blend in better.”
“Sprite, you could never blend in anywhere you go,” he rasped. “That’s—”
“When I’m covered in dirt and blood and surrounded by gas, I’d have to disagree. I want to wear what they do. Eldrin is counting on me standing out.”
His head jerked back, but he nodded. “You’re right. Fine.” He then shouted for Torcall or Finola to grab me something from the prison.
Wings fluttered, telling me one of the two had left, obeying his command, and he headed over to me. He kissed my cheek, his lips lingering there as he said, “Stay safe. Fight. Kill. Do whatever it takes for you to come back here tonight. I’ve got to go, but I’ll be there, watching.”
My mouth went dry as I watched him spin and leave me alone. I realized I hadn’t responded.
The door shut, leaving me feeling more alone than I’d felt in my life, my heart cold and empty.
Minutes later, Finola returned and handed me dark-gray clothing that smelled faintly of urine and feces. I regretted asking for these clothes, but it’d been the right decision.
I held my breath and dressed, and then Finola and Torcall led me to the prison cells.
I missed a step when I realized what the guards were doing.
They were chaining people in pairs so they’d either have to move in harmony or fight one another. Of course, Rona and her brother had been split up, and there was only one person remaining who wasn’t chained to someone. His partner would be …
Me .
When my eyes met the prisoner’s, I realized no amount of training could have prepared me to survive this .