Chapter 11 #3
“No.” He stepped closer, tentatively sliding his hand into mine. “No, I don’t, but my mistakes have shaped me into a man of reason, Your Highness. I don’t leap before I look. I can’t. I must be sure there’s somewhere to land.”
His face was half-obstructed by the falling shadows of the moving sun, half-highlighted by its shine. Every sharp feature, somehow more handsome, was hopelessly defined, especially in the moment of candid vulnerability.
“I am, as I have repeatedly confessed, attracted to you, Svana. Incredibly. But I’m not… I’m not ready for such immediate intimacy. I need time. If that bothers you-?”
“It doesn’t,” I cut him off. “It doesn’t bother me. I understand your hesitation. I feel it myself. And because I am so… Well, I understand.”
“There’s more.” He paused. After too long, he sighed, and added. “Lydia and I parted mutually, but not painlessly.”
“Oh. I… I’m sorry,” I said.
“We were together for some time,” he explained.
“Was there someone else?” I asked.
“Yes.”
I was injured for him by the simple word, but he continued.
“On my part,” he said.
“You…? On your part?” I asked. “You were unfaithful? But, you’re Oreian. And before, you said-”
“No, I was not unfaithful, Svana. Not exactly.” Mr. Evergreen took a deep breath. “There’s another woman, but not in the way you think.”
“I don’t think anything. I don’t understand,” I said. “If you cheated, I-I’m not sure I… Is there to be someone besides me?”
“I didn’t cheat on Lydia; I ended things because… Because I realized that if the opportunity arose to explore another option, I might wish to.”
“So, you ended your engagement because you worried you would stray?” I asked.
“That I would want to,” he said. “I don’t think I would, but if the desire is there, then what’s the point?
I didn’t end our engagement because of my nature or any character flaw.
What I’m saying is, for the right person and for the right reason, I could behave badly, and that is not the man I wish to be, nor how I wish to treat a woman who trusts me. ”
I considered his words.
“I…” He exhaled. “I don’t wish for you to see me as some uncontained beast. I wish to be transparent. And further, so that you and I are clear, I am receptive to this relationship. Whatever it is, whatever you want from me. I’ve spent a lot of time considering what it would mean if we…But.”
“I don’t… Mr. Evergreen, I don’t understand. You and Lydia parted because you said you would stray.” My hand trembled; he stilled it. “I don’t want to be with a man who—”
“Yes, but-” He groaned. “Fine, Svana… I will lay it out there—expose my jugular to you—but you cannot hold it against me.”
“Hold what?” I asked.
“What I meant was, Miss Lydia and I weren’t each other’s match. Does that make sense?”
“You didn’t get along?” I asked.
“No. We got on just fine. Quite well, actually,” he said.
“Then you weren’t attracted to her? Or her to you?”
“No.” He frowned. “We’re not- We’re not meant to be married to each other, and if I were to encounter the woman I was to be married to…”
“You’re not…?” I wove his words and then gasped.
“Please, be kind,” he said.
“Are you— You aim to suggest that you and Miss Swift are not soulmates?” I asked.
“That’s a word for what I mean, yes,” he said, rolling his eyes. “We weren’t—”
“You believe in soulmates!” I croaked. “You saddled me with foolish guilt! Mocked me for my feather! You fiend! You’re a dirty, dirty romantic!”
“Alright, alright!” He patted the air. “Enough of it. I don’t know what I believe.
I just know Lydia wasn’t my person. She deserved better than what I could give her once I realized that.
She deserves a man who will love her and only her forever and knows that he could.
I’m not saying I’m incapable of that kind of commitment; I’m saying that I could not give it to her. ”
“Did you tell her that?” I asked. “Good lord, sir!”
He looked curiously at me, but dismissed the question.
“As I was saying, this… Us? You and I? I want you to know that I am aware of its lifespan. Very aware. I imagine that is something you need from me, but if we are to allow ourselves to continue whatever it is we are doing here, then from you, I need you to consider more discretion.”
“Lifespan? What do you mean by that?” I asked.
He squinted. “You’re marrying another man in mere months.”
“Yes,” I said. “I am.”
His eyebrows rose.
“Ah. I see. So this will end with that? That’s fair,” I said.
“It’s not that I want it to; it’s that it will. I’m not sure what I can give you that you will not get with Sam once the words are said, and again, he is my closest friend. I don’t even know why I’m considering this now.”
“I see,” I said. I felt a corrosion in my gut.
“Still… Is that alright? That we take this slow?” he asked.
“Why bother if it should end?”
“Because. Because the idea of ignoring it—of never knowing—is worse.”
“…I don’t wish for you to have other friends,” I told him. “Not while we are… friendly.”
“Done. Am I allowed to ask the same of you?”
I made a face. “Yes. Though that is not something you should be concerned with. I barely wish to be your friend. I can’t imagine making others.”
“That’s a flattering statement,” he said.
“No, I meant… I just meant the circumstances are sad,” I said. “I hadn’t expected to make any friends at all. I wanted a husband.”
“Alright. Then you and I will be close friends, exclusively, and we will decide what that looks like slowly?” he checked.
“Slow is good,” I said. “Slow is safe. Slow is… Slow is probably the most respectful and considerate thing you have offered me. Thank you for your patience.”
“Thank you for yours.”
“This is an odd conversation. And, you should remember, I am not an expert on speed in this field of study. And, Ser Elías tells me I’m quite impatient. So, consider the reins yours, Mr. Evergreen. I’m not the person to lead this expedition. You must tell me when I am too quick,” I said.
He swallowed with a curt nod. His thumb brushed over my knuckles, a sweet, simple gesture.
“I’ll trust what you decide,” I added.
The words led to an impossible closeness; we backed into the gate. Edith rustled, next to where my head landed, and Cyrus jestfully moved her face away from mine.
“Some privacy, love,” he told her.
He braced the freed hand behind us, latching to the fence. Soon the smirk, the air, and the ambience that made the man Cyrus Evergreen returned in full bloom to kiss me.
Parting from my lips he said, “And you are special, Princess. Just so it’s known. That’s why I don’t wish to ruin our time together and why I feel so protective of our connection.”
“I see,” I whispered. “Ugh. It worked on me anyway!”
He was pleased. He curved his fingertips along my ear and neck, drawing a long line until it swept from my collarbone, then his hand caressed my jaw and he pulled me back into a kiss.
When we parted. He said, “You’ve gotten me alone. We’ve talked. I’ve kissed you more than once. Are you satisfied, Princess?”
I nodded.
“Good. Then I’ll find your cousin,” he said. “I’d hate to abuse his faith in us.”