Chapter 12 #2
“It seems he is. Did you know that he was so fond of me? I feel bad. I don’t think I’ve treated him fairly, given what I’ve learned.”
“You did call him dull,” he said.
“I don’t remember that,” I said.
“He does.”
“He does?” I asked. I huffed. “Damn.”
“Svana,” he said.
“Why do you get to say it, but I don’t?” I asked.
“I don’t say it,” he said.
“Ser Willoughby does,” I said.
“Get some rest, Your Highness,” he said. I frowned. “Sorry. Get some rest, Svana.”
“Fine. Since you’re so adamant to get rid of me.”
“I only wish to see you rest. If I had more time to spare, I’d stay to sit with you. I could bore you to sleep with the novel I’m reading lately,” he said. “But I don’t have time. I barely have time to read it.”
“Could you find time soon?” I asked. “Even just to… I don’t know. Play chess or walk somewhere else? Or! I can walk with you right now to your assignment, even. I don’t mind.”
“That isn’t necessary.”
“Then come on our ride if that would make you happy. You could see there isn’t anything to be concerned about.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t mind,” I lied.
He said, “You asked for a chance to make mistakes. I am a humbled man. I want to give you room to do what you want.”
“You want me to make mistakes?” I asked.
“No,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You want to. I want you to know that when you do, nothing changes, I guess.”
“You guess?” I asked.
He sighed. “This is what I meant about the vow on fighting,” he said. “You don’t even realize how similar you are to her. I can’t decide if it’s a blessing or a curse.”
“You could tell me of our similarities,” I offered, motioning to the room. “And then we could decide on curses together.”
He was quiet. “Another time.”
“Please?” I asked.
He said, “I’m not mad at you. Everything is fine. We’ll speak of your mother another day, I promise. Right now, I have to go. Good night, Svana.”
Elías closed the door behind me. I leaned my head against it and shut my eyes.
Things were fine, I thought. Good even, despite my desire to crawl into a hole and never come out. The room was empty and hollow, until a clear, but quiet “Whoaa, alright!” bled through the window from outside, and ignited my need to see its bearer again.
Mr. Evergreen’s voice was so enticing that I had to move intentionally to the bed and let my body sink into the edge of it.
I gripped the sheet, failing to ignore the velvet comfort of his words as he continued to corral whatever steed he argued with, but as I sent my eyes to anything else, all I saw was the bedpost. All I wanted to see was how it might feel against my body as I listened to him speak.
I felt ashamed and equally aroused by the concept, a sensation that hadn’t been there when I’d explored the venture of pleasuring myself before.
I listened first to everything in the Palace. The party was still muted from where I sat. Then I inched toward the beam and even touched the top of its roundest part. I snatched my hand back into my lap.
“Ridiculous,” I spat.
“Easy, girl,” I heard Mr. Evergreen say. “Don’t rush.”
I wondered which horse had, in her disobedience, sworn herself my mortal enemy, subjecting me to Mr. Evergreen’s silken taunt. I threw myself back onto the bed.
“Oh, please,” I groaned, burrowing into the blanket. “Why must you torture me so, Mr. Evergreen?”
I rolled around a few times, dramatically and then I broke. I had to see him.
At the door, I heard nothing—no passing bodies, no servants nearby, but when I worked up the nerve to leave, instead of a dark hall, I found Ser Willoughby. He looked equally surprised as I as the door came open.
“Are you alright?” he asked.
“I, I,” I stuttered. “I thought-Is Ser Elías here?”
He shook his head. “No, he asked I remain instead.”
“I see.” I nodded. “Good. Good then. But I…Ahem. I was just thinking a walk would be nice.”
“A walk?” he asked.
“Yes.” I pointed down the hall. “I was just going to stretch my legs.”
We both heard Mr. Evergreen repeat an order from outside. He arched his brow.
“Or I don’t have to go,” I added.
Willoughby took his time. “It’s probably better I’m here, not Elías, eh?”
“Come again?”
“That was a terrible attempt to lie. Come, you can do better than that. I’ve seen it.”
“I’m certain I don’t know what you mean,” I said.
Willoughby laughed and not ambiguously. He leaned into the wall and folded his arms. “I think it is far too late for walks tonight. Even if I accompanied you.”
“Is it late?” I asked, although I knew and I knew he knew I knew. “How silly of me.”
“Indeed,” he said. “Blame it on the hour.”
“Well, then. I’ll just…I’ll go to sleep.”
“Wiser, really,” he replied. I went to close the door and he added, “By the way.”
“...Yes?”
He hung on his reply for a moment. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, cousin.”
“What? What does that mean?” I asked.
“It means it’s too late for walks,” he explained. “A man like that should miss you.”
“I… Who could you possibly mean?”
Willoughby grinned. “Nothing good happens after midnight,” he said. “Remember our discussion on the art of subtlety?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. I tried to fool you.”
He shrugged. “I’m not offended. I might have done the same, but I’d be better at it.”
I tsked and shut the door. After a second I reopened it.
“Ser?” I said.
“Hmm?”
I took a deep, regretful breath. “Sometimes I say things I don’t mean because I think they’re funny or they take the attention off of something I’m insecure about,” I said. “I don’t think you’re dull.”
He narrowed his eyes.
“Elías told me you heard me. Back home, when we were leaving,” I said.
“And you can pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, and maybe I’ll believe you because I, too, had to place the comment, but I…
I don’t think you’re dull and I wanted you to know that.
I never have. I’ve never thought a bad thing about you actually. I’m just very mean.”
“You’re not mean,” he said.
“I am. Especially when I am nervous or angry. When I called you that, I was on my way to speak to His Majesty,” I explained. “My father makes me both.”
“Alright. No worries. I forgive you,” he said.
I pursed my lips. “Thank you,” then closed the door.