Chapter 16 #2
A pause and then, “...You mean to say…?”
“Boy, I’ve got egg on my face,” he said. His voice was worried, almost self-deprecating. “It’s your turn to forget I said anything now.”
“Are you…?”
“It’s fine, let us reroute our conversation,” he suggested.
“Mr. Evergreen.” I studied him. “Are you suggesting that… That ‘sex’ would be as if I laid with… with like, the Prince? And that…”
He ran his fingers through his hair.
“That love making would be as if… as if I laid with… you?” I asked.
“I mean, I cannot begin to presume your feelings, Your Highness,” he said. “But I do hope that I would fall a little closer to the latter, all things said. You hate Sameer.”
“Oh, I see,” I said. “Wait. Then that means…”
“Nope. No, it doesn't,” he said. “It means I misunderstood you. That’s all.”
At the very moment of his denial, I became hype-aware that he was lying. I did mean that he… I took a sharp breath as thoughts of charcoal and burning flesh polluted my mind. I could hear Elías’s voice. What would say–what he would do to poor Mr. Evergreen. I began to hyperventilate.
Mr. Evergreen appeared beside me, a hand at my back. “Princess,” he said. “It means nothing. I was just confused. That’s all. Please.”
“You cannot fall in love with me!” I hissed, clutching my skirts. “No!”
“What?”
Mr Evergeen’s face shifted, the very light of him dimmed a thousand shades, and somewhere in me, I hurt for it, and I knew I may as well have heaved his sword through his gut.
“You– I–” I gasped. “You can’t!”
“...I see,” he said
“No, I– Please, sir. Please,” I begged.
“No, it’s fine. I understand,” he pressed.
“No!” I cried. “No! You don’t! You don’t understand! They’ll hurt you! They’ll hurt you and I will never, never, never ever recover!”
Evergreen halted. He stared at me and then–for some stupid reason, his shoulders eased. They’d been so tense; I hadn’t even noticed until they relaxed. He shook his head and his hand moved from my back to my arm.
“No one’s going to hurt me,” he promised. “No one will ever hurt-”
“They will,” I said. “They will and I–? I have to go,” I hurried.
“Of course," he said. His caution gave way to sense as he barely turned. “Just let me get my-”
“No!” I said. I blinked back tears. “No. We’re not far. I?” I searched around us, considering, scared. “I’ll walk alone. It’s late. If… If someone sees you with me…”
“They’ll assume I’m escorting you back as I always have,” he said.
Still, I could not help but scan the horizon another time.
“Please,” I told him. “Please.”
He swallowed. “If you’re certain, then I won’t press it. But I will watch, Svana. For the candles in your chamber. Blow it out at the window. Then I know you’re safe. But don’t dawdle because if I don’t see them quickly, I’ll come after you. Is that… Is that a fair compromise?”
I nodded slowly.
“Thank you,” he said. He added, “No one’s going to hurt me. I promise.”
I scoffed, then grabbed my hem off the ground and escaped to my room alone.
Idiot, I thought, snatching my chamber’s candle by the sill.
I held it up to the window and blew it out.
Evergreen stood near the stables a second longer, leaned against the wall.
He waved after a moment, softly, peacefully, and devotedly as he was by nature, and I waved back though I knew he wouldn't see me.
When he walked off, I sat at the vanity, reciting the word ‘idiot,’ like an angry mantra as I unbraided my hair and glowered at the mirror.
Ridiculous. Silly girl! Idiot! I thought. I pressed my fingers to my temples, self-vowing to beat whatever madness had mutinied my brain within an inch of its life by morning. Then, through brutal, self-deflating, would-be scenarios, I punished myself for growing so close to the Sword.
What if my Willem appeared and confessed he’d waited his entire life for me?
What if he asked we run away–forsake everything and everyone, forsake Mr. Evergreen?
What if Mr. Evergreen took my panic to heart and re-declared himself to Miss Swift while I daydreamed about ostler boys who could not care less for my pity party because if they wanted to they would?
“No,” I begged myself. “No, stop.”
No fantasy was optimal. Each left me devastated regardless of what choice was made.
I could not fathom giving Mr. Evergreen away, I could not fathom losing Willem.
I couldn’t even be happy for him–I didn’t want Mr. Evergreen to marry Miss Swift!
I didn’t want him to dress fashionably and be the talk of the ton, nor love the way she made him feel or give her a chance to be more than what she’d been before their split!
I wanted him to be miserable with and without me, like he was before he had to allude to feelings!
I wanted him to take back his distinction between sex and love-making and then never speak of it again, then to take it to his grave, just as things had been going!
I wanted to ignore the fact that I did feel, deeply, and all-consumingly exactly what I could not let him say.
That I adored his cruel humor and that if I had control over everything, I would remain in his stupid, beautiful companionship forever!
“Why would he say all that!” I whined, pacing through the dark chamber like a maniac.
A tear streaked my cheek and I felt royally stupid.
Stupid for clinging to the idea that Willem, wherever or if he was, wanted me, and stupid for being a sad sack of sadder potatoes, that could not stand up to her governess when it mattered most, and stupid for silently praying that Evergreen would choose me over a life with someone who could give him more–an affair over a chance at happiness! Real happiness.
Idiot! Why would he?
“No. It's better this way,” I told myself.
If I severed the binds, cauterized the wound, and left him with nothing but a memory, he might survive, and if I did it quickly, he might not loathe me forever.
We could be friends. The past was always rosily-tinted when re-examined–even the most horrific images I kept were mere shadows of what had actually been.
I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t let them mar his perfect skin–his perfect soul. I wouldn't!
I crawled into my bed and drew the covers over my face to cry. Then I fell asleep and dreamed only bad, bad things.